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Newborn Septuagenarian Obediently Jingles Rattle Father Bought Him
New York, NY— In an effort to please his ever increasingly uncomfortable father, young Benjamin Button humored his father by mindlessly shaking his new rattle.
Button, who had just been inexplicably born days before into his withered, hunched, and hoary-haired five-foot-six body, said he’d rather have a comfortable rocker and the evening news than such an infantile accessory, but, in an effort to please his furtive, agitated father who was, to say the least, less than elated by the esoteric oddity of fathering an aged, elderly archetype of a man, Button obediently and methodically shook the toy, releasing from it the music of the infants.
Button’s father stated that it was “sweet respite” from Button’s usual cranking and complaining about his aching joints and brittle bones. Said the elder Button, “My wits were at an end with the boy. I don’t see this [Button’s playing with the rattle] as a cure-all—the boy still looks like Methuselah’s grandfather—but I see it as a step in the right direction.”
Cases of this type are rare and generally occur fewer than once in every 100,000,000,000 births. In the months since Button first took up rattle shaking, he has found a kindred bond with the elderly folks at the local senior rest home where he enjoys repeating the same joke four or five times a day.
-The Editors
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Man Neutralizes Kitty Situation, Finally Gets Some Sleep
Warren, Mich.— Local hero Jim Tralli reasserted himself as master of the house and king of his castle when he, in quite a literal sense, took matters into his own hands and removed the mewing kitty from his wife’s and his room Wednesday morning.
The Trallis have been married for four years with one six-month-old boy to show for their troubles, and have had a brown, orange, and white tabby cat that they call “Kitty” for most of that time.
“Kitty is a good cat for the most part,” said a well-rested Tralli, “but every morning she gets on our bed and keeps meowing because she wants milk or for one of us to fill the sink with water for her. She doesn’t even drink out of her bowl anymore; she has turned into a water snob, and she comes into our room earlier and earlier demanding her morning beverages. She will stick her nose right up to my face and meow, then she’ll walk over us and eventually onto my pillow, crouch, and jump onto my tall dresser, bouncing my head on my pillow. She jumps up there as though she is going to find something new, sniffs around for a few seconds, then jumps back onto my pillow. This whole process starts usually about an hour before I am going to get up, and she won’t quit until one of us gets up. The wife says she doesn’t wake up, and that I make it worse when I get mad and swipe the stupid cat off the bed, but she is keeping me awake for hours, and it really ticks me off. Then I tell [my wife] that I am going to open up [Kitty’s] throat for her from ear to ear or take her out back and end all our misery once and for all, but she gasps and angrily tells me that she doesn’t like me to even say that, even if I’m joking, and I assure her that I am not joking. One time I put the cat in the fridge because she was meowing so loudly for milk, but the wife foiled that plan by letting her out. She was mad at me for a while after that one. And you know what she said recently? She said that if I just ignore her she will stop, and that it is my fault because throwing her off the bed is encouraging her by touching her. Easy for her to say because the dumb cat isn’t jumping on and off her pillow like an Olympic diver.”
Tralli said that Kitty was keeping him awake again Wednesday morning and, after throwing Kitty off the bed “over three times,” Tralli grabbed her around the middle, ignored his wife’s panicked demands about what he intended to do with her, and threw her onto the basement landing before locking the kitty door.
“I heard her trying to get back through the kitty door,” said Tralli triumphantly, “but she couldn’t outsmart the lock and was trapped down there with no food, no water, and no milk.” Tralli appeared gleeful and began to stare into the distance in a peaceful and much-deserved reverie. “She has her kitty litter box down there, so she’s fine. And best of all, I got some peace and quiet.”
Tralli claimed he would start locking her down there at night so he wouldn’t be awoken in the morning, but his wife snorted and called him crazy. “That cat likes to roam and explore at night, and I’m not going to let him lock her down there just because he can’t handle her for a few minutes in the morning.”
Kitty seemed unwilling to give a statement, and, looking at our reporter with vacant eyes, meowed plaintively, then stalked away leaving behind a tuft of floating fur.
-The Editors
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Rockford, Ill.— Edna Platt, a spunky and feisty senior citizen who remains active in her bridge circles and weekly bingo games at ninety years old, decided to have one last hurrah out on the freeway four days ago to celebrate her latest milestone.
“I poured myself a glass of that Mountain Dew,” said Platt in a brittle yet confident voice, “and took the elevator down to the first floor. I always keep my car parked out front in case I need to go to the drug store, but the past ten years or so I have found it easier to just take the bus. When I woke up on my birthday and had watched the news, I saw that the weather was nice, so I thought I’d drive out to the grocery store and pick up a few things.”
Eyewitnesses say they saw a blue LeBaron traveling north on the freeway at nearly a crawl and that people were driving up behind her slamming on their brakes. “There were nearly a couple accidents when she was just over a hill and cars came up over the hill at seventy miles per hour behind her and had to slam on their brakes. She had a line of nearly fifteen cars behind her trying to merge, but they were going so slow that they couldn’t get into traffic.”
The situation came to a culmination when a news helicopter picked up on the situation and Platt made the evening news. Platt seemed to relish in her newfound fame and related the several people who recognized her at the grocery store in recent days as “that lady on TV.” Platt says that people at church “won’t stop talking about it” and that the minister even mentioned her from the pulpit. Platt doesn’t know what new adventures are on the horizon for her now, but she does plan, should she still be alive and able, another drive to the store when she reaches her centennial. “Hopefully,” said Platt, “people won’t make such a fuss next time.”
-The Editors
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Man Mistakes Jet Engine For Ceiling Fan, Sends Mobile Home Soaring Through Sky
Cadillac, Mich.— Lum Wagner, an some inexplicable mix-up, somehow got his hands on a working jet engine and installed it in his kitchen with disastrous results.
Wagner said that his air conditioner window unit had recently gone “to the fritz,” and so he decided to install a ceiling fan in his trailer to cool his kitchen “slash” living room. Wagner proudly exhibited photos of the swiveling rocker\recliner he had at his kitchen table which, as he explained, he could use to eat at the table, reach into the fridge, and watch TV, with “just the flick of an ankle.”
“I didn’t see no need to be gouged at Home Depot or Wal-Mart, ‘specially when I know a good scrap place down 26.4th street,” said a surprisingly calm Wagner, “so I picked up what looked like one ‘a them Dyson bladeless deals, only it was industrial, or whatnot, and I purchased it for $15 ‘n’ took her home. I began to install it, but I seen it didn’t have no ‘lectrical hookups ‘n’ she says, ‘Jet Fuel Only,’ so I went ‘n’ got some. I fired her up, and next thing I know I’m flyin’ clear out the window and rollin’ through the dust, much to the barkin’ of Killer, m’ dog, and then I look ‘n’ see my home-sweet-home liftin’ up off’a the ground jus’ like in Wizard of Oz. There was a blue flame shootin’ out the bottom, and I figure it must’a shot clear through m’ kitchen table and m’ floor. I look up hopin’ my rocker might fall out and render me the one comfort in this life I have, but it didn’t, and then I seen my trailer gettin’ smaller ‘n’ smaller, and I says, ‘Oh well, Lum. What kin ya do?’ ‘n’ that’s m’ story.”
Neighbors are shocked and feel Wagner’s loss has left a hole in their neighborhood. “To think,” said Joe French, a close friend and neighbor, “it coulda’ happened to any one of us. It’s a soberin’ thought. I told Lum he’s welcome to stay at my place with my woman and younguns, but that he better not get any ideas ‘bout installin’ a fan!” French laughed good naturedly and turned back to his TV.
Wagner has since been staying with French and is waiting for his “payday” from his insurance company, who refused to comment on the likelihood of this type of catastrophe being covered under Wagner’s policy.
-The Editors
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Mason City, Ill.— Phillip Wright, a sixth grader at Jefferson Middle School, has a dream to someday build the world’s first known time machine, but he is not getting much support from classmates.
Ever since Wright can remember, he has been more interested in computes, time travel, and quantum physics than most boys his age, and it has been his dream to someday build a time machine and navigate time with it. Wright, ever since reading Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, has been contemplating the Theory of Relativity and its possible practical applications in the field of time travel.
Classmates of Wright, however, have been less than supportive of Wright. Said Ethan Harper, “Phillip is such a dork. He keeps talking about building this time machine, and he thinks because he gets all A’s and knows a lot about computers that he will be able to travel through time. What a nerd. He kept saying, ‘It’s theoretically possible!’ when we were telling him it was impossible, and our teacher said to him from her desk, ‘Phillip, it is not theoretically possible.’ He didn’t argue with her, but I could tell by the way he shook his head and glared at her that he still thought it was.”
Wright said with earnest confidence, “These kids are going to be sorry. One day I am going to build [the time machine], and they are going to be begging me for a ride, but I will say ‘no.’”
Wright plans to use his time machine to travel to the future and enjoy his wealth and fame before going through the grueling process of patenting and marketing his machine. “Let my past self deal with all that nonsense,” said a dismissive Wright.
One classmate, Joel Noec, has come out in support of Wright “just in case.” Wright has yet to begin work on the machine, but he is actively researching relativity and time-bending elements of physics.
-The Editors
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Warren, Mich.— David “Dopey” Scaczynski wasn’t expecting to be mocked for his age by some fifteen-year-old punk while playing Online Halo: Reach.
While playing this popular interactive first person shooter game, players can wear headsets that allow them to verbally engage other players. Last Tuesday, Scaczynski was getting a quick three hours in before dinner to warm up for his evening session when his wife, Karen, called him for dinner.
“She called me once, and I was in the middle of a game,” said Scaczynski, “so I didn’t say anything; then she kept yelling down to me, and I was like, ‘All right, Karen!’ Then this kid I was playing against asked who that was, and I told him it was my wife. He was like, ‘You’re married? How old are you?’ and I said, ‘twenty-nine,’ and he started laughing. He was still laughing until I walked up behind him and blew his head off with a point blank shot from my rocket launcher. Then I switched to my focus rifle and started methodically and remorselessly cutting down his little friends one by one. They were all swearing and whining about it because some of them were on my team, but I told them that’s what they get and that they can have fun at school tomorrow. Then I launched a couple grenades at them when they came back and went to eat.”
Scaczynski seemed ambivalent about whether his victims would seek revenge that night after dinner but seemed fairly confident that his wife would let him stay up longer than their moms would allow them on a school night. “It’s sad,” said Scaczynski. “It was a completely avoidable tragedy. No one likes killing their own teammates, but those kids needed to be taught a lesson.”
Scaczynski, who famously quipped “Kids will do anything for pizza” on the local news following a political sign-stealing debacle, seems a vast cistern of wisdom on the habits of adolescents but said he couldn’t take the time to compile his wisdom into a book because he was “too busy playing Xbox 360” and because “books are stupid.” Despite this allegation, Scaczynski is rumored to have read and even cried after reading Marley and Me.
-The Editors
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