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Recent College Grad Begins Job Interview By Putting Palms Out, Stating, “Picture This”
Southfield, Mich.— Greg Thielemann described to his potential future employers the golden horizon of their company should they wisely choose to hire him.
Thielemann, who considers himself an expert job interviewer thanks to the various top-ten lists on the Internet of things to do or not to do or say at a job interview, feels his interview went “well to extremely well.”
The company with whom Thielemann was interviewing is a financial consulting firm called Feuer, Maffa, Stone, & Co. Don Grier, one of the vice presidents of the company, described the situation like this: “Mr. Thielemann, although quite confident and energetic, seemed to have absolutely no experience in the line of work in which he was seeking a job. In fact, he had little education at all, with none in finances or even business. I got the impression that Mr. Thielemann knew little if anything about finances in general.”
Grier stated that he did not plan to hire Thielemann but that he wished him the best of luck in his pursuits.
Thielemann, undaunted from the rebuff, plans to continue to “paint the positive picture in other interviews of what a company could be with [him] onboard.”
-The Editors
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Northern Hemisphere Salesperson Of The Year Awkwardly Accepts Award Following Tirade
Southfield, Mich.— Debra Lynn Taylor-Biltmoore, recipient of the Northern Hemisphere Salesperson of the Year award, should have waited a few moments before grabbing the microphone at the company banquet and lambasting executives for under-appreciating her.
CosmicCom, the international communication company that Taylor-Biltmoore works for, holds an annual appreciation banquet to recognize the sales exploits of its employees. Last Friday, when CosmicCom president Gerald Caruso announced that Jamil Rana was the North American salesperson of the Year, Taylor-Biltmoore stumbled onto the stage, pushed the pocket-sized Rana away from the podium as he was about to state a few words upon receiving the award, and launched into an obscenity-laced tirade in which she slammed her immediate supervisor for not noticing her “years of tireless toil for an ungrateful monster of a company that chews up and spits out its employees.” Following the tirade, Taylor-Biltmoore systematically trashing each supervisor in the company all the way up to the “cosmically inept” President Caruso.
Taylor-Biltmoore, wife of the recently disgraced owner of Biltmoore Construction (“We Built More For You” ®) Timothy Ward Biltmoore, went on to complain that the company chose Rana, a first-year employee “just because he was foreign” and that it wasn’t her fault she had “a privileged American background.” Taylor-Biltmoore pointed out that she was with the company for over thirty years and that she had broken into the “Billion Dollar Club” three times in her tenure there, more times, she claimed, than any other employee of the company. Taylor-Biltmoore made further claims that back when Rana was “still hanging at his mother’s dress and begging for a diaper change and more humus” she was selling more in one month than Rana did his whole rookie year.
Eyewitnesses say that after patiently standing by for the entire tirade, Caruso calmly stepped forward, took the microphone from Taylor-Biltmoore, and said in a dry, even tone, “And now I’d like to present our most coveted award ever, one we had to invent this year because none of the old awards truly captured the magnitude of value this employee holds with our company. I am proud to announce that our first ever recipient of the Northern Hemisphere Salesperson of the Year award is Ms. Debra Taylor-Biltmoore.”
Caruso handed Taylor-Biltmoore the enormous glass trophy and the microphone and stepped back while Taylor-Biltmoore stuttered and stammered her thanks and what a joy it has been to work for CosmicCom. Attendees shifted uncomfortably in their seats as Taylor-Biltmoore tried to play off the last five minutes as though they didn’t happen.
Eyewitnesses allege that Taylor-Biltmoore’s husband slumped forward in his chair and buried his head in his arms during his wife’s debacle. Biltmoore said after the banquet, “I have no comment. I have more important things on my mind right now.” Biltmoore, whose son has scorned the family company in favor of a life of vagrancy, is now lamenting his son’s newest direction in life and wondering what will become of Biltmoore Construction (“We Built More For You” ®).
-The Editors
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Hakuna Matata Lad Continues Loafing Life Of Leisure, Accepts Government Job
Hazel Park, Mich.— Eric “Tom” Biltmoore didn’t think his lifestyle could get any more sedentary until he accepted a position for the government.
“We were just very impressed with his ‘go-get-‘em’ attitude and thought he’d make a great addition to our team,” said agent F. L. Bailey of the nondescript, ambiguous government agency that hired Biltmoore.
Biltmoore, who now works in a cubicle in the cavernous vastness that takes up several city blocks in middle Warren, said he sometimes goes days at his job without seeing or talking to anyone. With no running assignments or general reason for being there besides clocking in and out on the honor system and collecting his semimonthly check, Biltmoore has begun learning German Online but spends most of his hours reading hackneyed vampire novels, “messing around” in the company gym, going on several-hour-long lunch breaks, and texting freshman college girls he met last year in his eleventh semester at Hope College.
While the Michigan economy remains in shambles and good, hard-working people try to eke out a living for themselves and their families, Biltmoore looks forward to “doing as little work as possible” and enjoying the sanctioning of his new employer, the federal government, on his indolence.
“This way,” stated a smug and superior Biltmoore, “I can do nothing and get paid good money by my fellow Americans for it.”
Biltmoore’s father, Timothy Ward Biltmoore, the industrialist who owns Biltmoore Construction (“We Built More For You” ®), refused to comment and slunk back into the safety of his opulent Rochester mansion with a new and seemingly permanent slump in his shoulders.
-The Editors
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Madonna Opts Against Wearing Depends As Outerwear In Super Bowl Show
Indianapolis, Ind.— Despite the fashion trends the music mogul set in the eighties, Madonna decided against wearing her Depends adult diapers as outerwear during Sunday’s halftime festivities.
Madonna, who is now old enough to be your grandmother, has been miraculously preserved thanks to the marvels of modern carbonite freezing and trick photography. One thing that she can’t gloss over though, is the fact that she has come full circle and is back in diapers. “It’s not as though I’ve lost full control,” said the semi-incontinent icon in a mysteriously British accent, “but some of those high kicks just aren’t as easy as they used to be. I’d hate to have an accident in front of 100 million viewers.”
Despite the urging of certain geriatric agenda pushers, Madonna did not make the bold statement of using her position and influence to employ product placement for the adult diaper juggernaut Depends. The company allegedly offered the pop superstar millions to wear her Depends over her costume as a tribute to her then controversial popularizing of turning underwear into outerwear in the nineteen eighties. The company believed that having a magnate like Madonna proudly wearing Depends would help to remove a little of the “inexplicable stigma” associated with wearing adult diapers.
“Our product were flying off the shelf back in ’07 when it was reported that astronaut and American hero Lisa Nowak wore a pair when she raced over nine hundred miles to confront a romantic rival in a space love triangle gone bad,” said Depends C.O.O. Ralph Gruner. “We had hoped that Madonna would give us another such boost, but we don’t fault her in her decision. Ultimately, it is up to her.”
-The Editors
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Rochester, Mich.— In a deranged, last-ditch effort to place the blame of his mounting domestic deterioration somewhere else, Timothy Ward Biltmoore has filed a frivolous suit against The Satirical Rogue.
In a barely legible, handwritten motion, Biltmoore cited “gross misrepresentation of the truth” on the part of the editors of TSR in their recent handling of his wife’s public ignominy at a company banquet and his son’s loafing, loitering, prodigal existence and recent job acquisition from the government.
The motion, a hodge-podge of crossed out, ink-blotched, rewritten, randomly capitalized, vituperative berating, castigated The Satirical Rogue in the strongest barely coherent, excoriating jeremiad the editors and judge have ever seen. Unfortunately for Biltmoore, the number of eyewitnesses who saw his wife bring shame to the family and the fact that his son’s job is made public record through the Freedom of Information Act threaten to stop this irresponsible, reckless, unfounded, and malice-filled attack on the good name of TSR.
Judge Thomas Basson, who presides over the 52nd District in which Biltmoore filed the suit, stated that he doubts the suit could possibly go to trial and that, as far as he knows, the sterling reputation of The Satirical Rogue remains unsullied. Furthermore, he believes that Biltmoore, in the face of all he has endured in the past several months, is to be pitied but not to be seriously considered.
The editors of TSR stated that they hold no contempt for Mr. Biltmoore and his ranting about college dorm buddies jumping out of second story windows and smoking hashish in circles along the shores of the Red Cedar but that they stand by their scrupulous reporting without apology.
-The Editors
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Pizza Parlor Hires, Trains Chimps To Do Menial Tasks
Warren, Mich.— The supervisor at a local pizza chain restaurant decided to prove a point to her indolent and inept teenage subordinates by replacing several of them with trained apes.
Thea Rorty has been the supervisor at this particular location for eight years now and has, over the years, encountered all sorts of lazy, shiftless, unmotivated adolescents who execute tasks and charges around the store with not even the slightest bit of motivation or pride in accomplishing a job well done. Rorty, who screams her frustration at them, ordering them to “Get the lead out” and “Quit shuffling your feet,” has snapped on many occasions at someone rolling dough or washing dishes, “I could train chimpanzees to do that job faster and more effectively than you!”
Never buying into the “positive reinforcement” crock pushed on empty-headed morons by bleeding heart elites, Rorty believes that the only way to motivate a spoiled, lazy American teenager is to point out his inability to efficiently carry out menial tasks, and now, in the ultimate display of putting her money where her mouth is, has decided to prove her point quite literally by turning hyperbole into reality.
The chimps, whom Rorty purchased early this week and has been training to work the ovens, roll dough balls, and chop vegetables, have been taking to their assigned tasks with ravenous industry and indomitable energy. “I have never had employees who are so quick to comply with my orders and who can do something correct every time after only limited training,” said Rorty. “In time, I hope to train chimps to work the register and make pizzas. The only thing I would actually need people for is to answer the phone, although we are hoping our new Online ordering will eliminate most of that need. Soon I hope to be managing an entire crew of primates and never again have to deal with the privileged, spoiled good-for-nothings I’ve had to hire. Let them go work for the government.”
The public is reacting with reserved optimism to this experiment, although some argue that such necessary right-of-passage jobs should not be squandered on animals when mindless, low-paying jobs are in such high demand for American youths in need of a few extra dollars to burn on black The North Face jackets.
Rorty, however, plans to plow ahead with her training. Her goal is to delegate most of her authority to chimps by early 2013 and be able to run the store remotely by that summer.
-The Editors
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