Volume XL May 5, 2012

Nation’s Internet Shoppers Don’t Bother Dressing For The Day

Millions of Amazon and eBay shoppers, along with those trolling the other major Online retailers, just didn’t have the drive or motivation to get dressed on Monday.

Around 11:00 a.m. when most of the nation’s unemployed, Online-shopping slobs roll out of bed to check the mailbox for their government checks, they usually struggle to find the appropriate pair of grease-stained sweats and clashing, torn sweatshirt from a 1996 walk-a-thon. This Monday, however, in a collective shrug of futility, they remained in their various stages of sleepwear and surfed the Web with greasy, disheveled hair and bleary eyes.

Most experts believe it was inevitable that such a thing should happen, but few claim to understand why Monday was the day it all came together.

While Online orders neither rose nor fell Monday, letter carriers everywhere wait on tenterhooks praying that the Online shoppers will don something decent before coming to the door to sign for the packages they have ordered.

-The Editors

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Clarence Tomlinson Named Village Idiot

Galena, Ohio— Pomp and circumstance marked this joyous occasion as almost the entire 300+ population of the small village in central Ohio finally settled upon an idiot.

Tomlinson was somewhat of a Cinderella story as he rose through the ranks of the village’s most inept and half-witted simpletons with shocking alacrity until the mayor named him the official Galena Village Idiot.

Tomlinson’s wife was not surprised by the outcome. “I knew he was the biggest idiot in the village for years,” she said, adding only, “I guess that makes me the First Idiot for marrying him.

Tomlinson, who works at the Galena lumber mill where he has lost three fingers and an earlobe, has bumbled his way into the hearts of the Galenites, and there isn’t a man, woman, or child about town who hasn’t laughed at or mocked Tomlinson derisively. On most days, Tomlinson can be seen walking to work with a gaggle of impudent youths following him and mocking his ambling walk by aping and swaying stupidly, much to the delight of their school-bound mates.

Tomlinson accepted the award with an uncomprehending, gaping stare, grunted, then shuffled back into the crowd as villagers sneered at the string of toilet tissue dragging behind him.

-The Editors

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Indian Man Writes Own Vows, Assures Bride She’ll Learn To Love Him In Time

Conspicuously absent were the sappy, hyperbolic platitudes that populate so many of the common self-written vows of today when Haamid Jhadav pledged his love to his new bride Haniya.

Members of the wedding party claimed that the two looked at each other with vague recognition when Haniya met Jhadav at the front of the aisle as they waited to begin their new lives together. “I think they met once when they were children,” said Jhadav’s cousin Carl.

Witnesses say that Jhadav “worked hard to get Haniya’s eye contact” before he took her uncertain hands and said, “My dearest Haniya—is that how you pronounce it?—I do not expect you to love me now, but in time I am confident that you will learn to love me, or at least be highly fond of me, for I have many admirable qualities. Also, I vow to love you too so long you are skilled in keeping house and preparing delicious meals.”

After the exchanging of the vows, witnesses say that aged and young guests throughout the auditorium were sniffling and drying their eyes due to the “poetic nature” of the vows.

The Jhadavs plan to sell the rights to their fairytale love story to Bollywood producers and hope to have another hit that rivals Slumdog Millionaire.

-The Editors

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Francisco Spino Is A Jet, But Only Part Of The Way

New York, NY— Conventional wisdom to the contrary, Francisco Spino alleges that he has been living as a partial Jet for years, with only a half-hearted commitment to the youth gang and a grudging tolerance for the Sharks.

After participating in all forms of song and dance in which he pledged his unflagging and wholehearted allegiance to the Jets, Spino claims he “only sang it because everyone else was” and that he “really couldn’t care less” if he was a Jet or not.

Spino claimed he feels no contempt for those who are Jets “all the way,” but says he simply doesn’t feel being a Jet “all the way” is for him regardless of how much he enjoys snapping his fingers and stepping in sync with his words.

The recent revelation came as a shock to the Jet community, and although many believe having a member like Spino goes against everything that it means to be a Jet, they have yet to ostracize, discipline, or denounce him and his desultory ways.

-The Editors

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Youth Issues Boast Of Sweeping Video Game Supremacy

Warren, Mich.— Thomas Marlippo, whose aggregate collection of video game systems is the envy of all his cousins, felt confident enough to invite them to “pick any game [to lose at].”

The cousins, still smarting over their hoodwinking by “Playful” Uncle Ronald, sought video game respite at the house of Marlippo where they enjoyed playing NHLPA free of familial interference while eating pretzel rods and viennetta.

“Tommy just plays these games constantly until he beats them all,” said David “Dopey” Scaczynski. “It’s really not fair because all we have is an eight-bit NES while he has a SEGA, an N-64, and a GameCube. Plus our mom won’t let us play our Nintendo more than twenty minutes a day.”

Scaczynski alleged that Marlippo will often sweep his hand grandiosely over his vast video layout and smugly invite them to “pick any game!” anytime any of them intimate any suggestion that Marlippo might have vulnerabilities in his more obscure games.

“He thinks he’s invincible,” said Scaczynski, “but I know I will start beating him regularly.” Scaczynski said he will do “whatever it takes” to beat Marlippo, “even if it means graduating from college, getting a job for the government, and playing Halo Reach eight hours a day with only brief breaks to stop at Meijer” in order to hone his video gaming skills.

Marlippo seems unfazed by the threat and remains, for the time being, able to make his broad and boastful solicitations.

-The Editors

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Jumping The Shark Jumps The Shark

Social favor is a fickle beast, and as of recently, she has arbitrarily decided that declaring something has “jumped the shark” is no longer in vogue.

For years, people have displayed their pop culture prowess as they pretentiously said about this show or that, “Oh, that show jumped the shark when . . .” or “I hope that show just calls it quits before it jumps the shark,” referring to the idiom coined by Jon Hein in his lucrative, multi-volume allusion to the 1977 Happy Days episode in which Fonzie literally jumped a shark while water skiing, marking a departure of the show from the original plots that developed real, relatable characters.

TV aficionados will now have to find another phrase to express a show’s descent into gimmickry because “Jumping the shark” has, for all intents and purposes, jumped the shark.

-The Editors