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Hazanavicius Generously Offers To Spare Lives Of Academy Voters When His People Return To Earth
Hollywood, Cali.— When Michel Hazanavicius gave his Oscar acceptance speech for best director last Sunday, audiences seemed puzzled by his magnanimous offer.
Witnesses say the award-winning director of The Artist strode confidently to the stage just before his name was announced and accepted his Oscar while leisurely and gregariously greeting people along the way and “yucking it up” with the emcees onstage.
During the course of Hazanavicius’s rambling, semi-coherent speech, in which he randomly shifted from English to French and vice-versa, listeners were somewhat confused when he stated, some allege, “You have made right choice. I tell my people—they spare lives of Academy voters when they return to earth. Thank you!”
Eyewitnesses say Hazanavicius then waved kisses around for several minutes following the speech, then, still smiling, leaned in to the microphone and added, “The rest of you will be mercilessly slaughtered. Thank you!”
After a slightly awkward pause, the audience seemed to collectively shrug and applaud with polite enthusiasm as Hazanavicius made his way back to his seat.
Hazanavicius’ people have yet to return, however, causing some to question whether he even has the authority to adjudicate who will live and who will die should they indeed come back.
-The Editors
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“Occupy Stall” Movement Fails To Gain Traction
Blue Springs, MO— Stephen Bempechat, fed up with the service at his local Olive Garden restaurant, decided to take action by planting himself inside one of the bathroom stalls and loudly urging other patrons to join him in adjacent stalls.
Bempechat claimed the final straw was when his waiter told him that his order had been mixed up and would be an additional ten-to-fifteen minutes after Bempechat had already waited over an hour to be seated. Free appetizer vouchers notwithstanding, Bempechat decided it was time to send a message to corporate Olive Garden that they would never forget, and so he took to the stalls with no intention of leaving.
Diners reminisced about the loud screams they heard reverberating throughout the restaurant as Bempechat shouted slogans and rally cries from his stall, which, witnesses say, claimed in red letters to be “occupied.”
Despite Bempechat’s invitation to others to occupy the other stalls, restaurant manager Greg Altenberger claimed that as far as he knows, “Nobody other than Mr. Bempechat used our stalls for anything other than their intended purpose.”
Altenberger said that when employees informed Bempechat that the restaurant was about to close, they saw the occupation indicator change from the red “occupied” to the green “unoccupied,” signifying the end of the first ever Occupy Stall movement at a Blue Springs area Olive Garden. Employees say that Bempechat exited the stall, scowled at them, and quickly left the restaurant, leaving behind vitriolic Occupy Stall (OS) propaganda scrawled across the stall’s inner walls.
Despite fears that Bempechat would begin a diners’ revolt against sub-par service and mediocre food, the Occupy Stall movement seems to have gained no traction and is, for the time being at least, effectively over.
-The Editors
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Samsun, Turkey— Robert Panasyuk lead an expedition that painstakingly excavated a Byzantine-era ship lying on its side and half buried in the sands several miles off the southern coast of the Black Sea only to make the most stunning and important discovery of the hip-hop age.
Spending hours to gently pin down pieces of the ancient ship against the sea floor so that they can be recorded, mapped, and digitally reproduced, Panasyuk and his crew discovered writing across the side of the ship that had been miraculously preserved by the sand. “We just got lucky,” said Panasyuk “that that was the side that became buried first. At first we assumed it was the ship’s name or some form of ancient advertisement, but then as we began studying the complexity of the letters, it became clearer and clearer that the words formed a sort of taunt. We have theorized that ancient merchants and soldiers traversing these waters would hang enemy carcasses or paint taunts on their ships’ sides in an effort to intimidate and menace competitors or enemies into hopeless despair.”
The words on this particular ship, according to Panasyuk, would be the equivalent of the Byzantines’ assuring rivals that there was, in fact, no storm coming—it was just their obese mothers blotting out the sun.
Experts are hailing the discovery as “the most important link between ancient [Byzantine] and modern cultures in the past half century” and hope to open brand new inroads of understanding into the life of the Byzantine that has remained so elusive in the past. They also hope to make the Byzantine “more approachable and accessible to the modern gangsta-rap consuming, back-talking, Web-surfing youth.”
-The Editors
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Hollywood, Cali.— Academy officials, beaming with smug and child-like excitement, announced Monday that they would be completely revamping the Oscar ceremony for next year.
Officials say a fifty-foot tall image of the half-man, half-goat pagan deity will sit on the red carpet in lieu of any actual celebrities, giving the public a chance to still blindly worship at the feet of the something deaf and blind to their cares, concerns and trivial lives, but significantly cutting down the length of the Oscars ceremony in the face of increasingly shrinking viewer attention spans.
“Idolatry is nothing new to the Oscars,” said Academy representative Fred Franconi, “and we will just be channeling the public’s idolatry in a slightly different direction.”
Franconi and his cronies claim that “most of the celebrities are on board [with being replaced by the idol]” and that “a large majority of them offer sacrifices to Baphomet or Molech on a regular basis anyway.”
The press will still be allowed prime access to the newest red carpet celebrity to snap photos and shoot videos, but they will be encouraged to bring small gifts such as fruit, gold, or slain pets to lay at the feet of the giant statue.
During the actual ceremony, celebrities will cede the stage to the image, which will be wheeled into the theater and onto the stage, and all Oscar awards will be offered to the pagan god by the host.
“Longwinded and verbose acceptance speeches have always marred the viewers’ enjoyment of the ceremony by unnecessarily prolonging it,” said Franconi, “and so this will eliminate that problem as well.”
It is not clear yet who will be contracted to construct the fifty-foot worship object, but already its formation has become the latest buzz to hit celebrity gossip shows nationally. Oscar-night planners claim that the event will project “a reverent attitude of worship, complete with candles, hooded and robed druids, and dark, sinister rituals.”
-The Editors
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Mathematicians Finally Discover What Randy Plus Amanda Equals
Boulder, Col.— Some of the greatest mathematicians in the world combined their brilliance to put to bed once and for all the elusive mystery sum of Randy plus Amanda.
The sum, which experts have struggled to find for decades, was discovered after a major breakthrough late Thursday evening when Cory Hobbs, professor of Mathematics at the University of Colorado, noticed a formula etched into the campus park bench he was resting on recumbently after an all-day brainstorming session with fellow mathematicians at his home university.
“I was lying there in repose, just wondering what we were missing. Something nebulous seemed to be just hovering just outside my consciousness, obfuscating what I should have seen years ago—then there it was, carved before me by the scrawling hand of a love-deranged college coed with a penknife. I ran back into the laboratory and immediately called back the ladies and gentlemen who had retired to their various resting facilities and told them that I’d found it. They were reconvened in minutes, and, with the major breakthrough, we achieved the finished solution in under three-quarters of an hour’s time. We are proud to announce, and with confidence, that Randy plus Amanda equals Love.”
Experts believe that with this missing piece of the puzzle in place, world peace may be one step closer to reality in our lifetime, and many are calling this discovery “The groundbreaking formula of our time” with obvious parallels being drawn to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.
So far Randy has been unavailable for comment, but Amanda released a statement denying that Randy plus her equaled love anymore, although she claimed to have genuinely believed the veracity of the statement when she and Randy were star-struck teenagers.
Hobbs remained undaunted and plans to begin a nationwide tour to tout his new discovery. He also plans to have a book on the subject published this spring.
-The Editors
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Teacher Reprimanded For Graduation Day Taunt
Dublin, Ohio— District officials are calling foul on Coffman High School world history teacher Mark Barbetti’s unorthodox tactics at last year’s graduation ceremony.
Barbetti, who has been teaching at Coffman for twelve years now, stunned those in attendance when he broke ranks among the teachers as high school senior Jacob Golzio, Coffman’s own all-state quarterback, walked up to the stage to receive his diploma.
As most students and teachers at Coffman High are aware, Barbetti and Golzio have had an on-going, four-year feud over grades. Barbetti had long complained that other teachers gave Golzio a pass on grades because of his athletic prowess, and he refused to make any exceptions for Golzio, causing Golzio to fail a semester of history. Because of the failed semester, Golzio was to receive an empty diploma holder in lieu of an actual diploma with the understanding that he could earn his diploma by completing a summer history class.
As Golzio ascended the platform stairs, eyewitnesses allege that Barbetti ran to the front of the stage donning a pointed hat that had a long, white beard attached to it, gripped a staff with both hands and, when he had planted himself between Gorzio and school administrator Perry Evans who was holding the diploma case, slammed the bottom of the staff onto the stage and shouted, “You shall not pass!”
After Gorzio made several hesitant movements to circumvent the taunting teacher, Barbetti adamantly repeated the action and the assertion with increasing vehemence. Finally, just when witnesses say the tension in the gym was mounting to uncomfortable levels, Barbetti allegedly dissolved back into the sea of teachers and took his place quietly as though nothing had happened.
Gorzio, who has since made up the credits and is now attending Kent State University on a football scholarship, said of the incident, “That guy was whack. I just want to move on with my life.”
District officials have released a statement condemning Barbetti’s actions and have issued him an official reprimand. While Barbetti avoided any unpaid time off, he will be required to attend counseling classes to help him make more constructive connections with students.
-The Editors
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