Embedded Files
Girl In Tim Hortons Commercial Played By Cyborg
Oakville, Ontario— Representatives from Tim Hortons headquarters have confirmed that the girl on the commercial welcoming viewers to Tim Hortons Café and Bake Shop is really a robot.
The acting gig is Ingeborg Hirstein’s first onscreen role playing a human, but the Japanese-made bot already has three other roles lined up in the field of advertising. Human Cyborgs International, the company who owns Hirstein and oversees marketing of the up-and-coming actress, said that they are “pleased with [Hirstein’s] debut performance” and that they look forward to seeing cyborgs break into the larger Hollywood market. “Humanoid cyborgs,” stated an HCI representative, “represent endless possibilities on the big screen. We foresee a time in the not-too-distant future when human actors will be obsolete.”
Already, special interest groups are forming, some in support and some voicing their opposition to cyborgs’ entering the workforce.
Humans for the Fair Treatment of Cyborgs, or HuFaTCy, has already lodged a complaint on behalf of Hirstein with the US Department of Labor citing unfair working conditions, low wages, and long hours. “Just because she has a synthetic flesh over a titanium exoskeleton and a microprocessor instead of synapses doesn’t mean she should not enjoy the same rights any person is entitled to when working in the United States,” said Marcene Penatac of HuFaTCy.
Outside the studio where Hirstein filmed the ads, however, a spirited but growing handful of protestors shouted and waved signs reading, “Get Your Bot Off My Screen!” and chanting “Hey hey, ho ho, get the cyborgs off my show!”
While Hirstein got all her lines right the first time through, executed the ad flawlessly, and required no food, rest, or smoke breaks, polls show that many Americans are still uneasy about seeing robots taking over jobs traditionally held by humans and cute pets.
-The Editors
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Gamer Abandons English In Favor Of Video Game Vernacular
Roseville, Mich.— Octavius Bussert no longer speaks traditional English. He has formed a new language using only words, phrases, and coined terms from video games in his day-to-day communication.
Friends and family of the thirty-two-year-old who lives with his parents and spends most of his time on his computer or playing video games say he greets them with expressions like, “It’s-uh me, Octavius!”
One friend said that Bussert often drives at high rates of speed on the highway screaming, “Killing spree!” as he passes other motorists. When Bussert grows angry, he sometimes enters “Beast mode,” said his mother, Margery Bussert. “Octavius sometimes grows impatient when I don’t bring him his pizza rolls fast enough,” she alleged, “and then he yells ‘Ma, I’m reaching the limit break!’ and when I bring them to him, he says, ‘I guess I should be thankful.’”
When Bussert argues with people he deems less intellectual than he, he might limit himself to “slappers only.” Sometimes Bussert enters and room and says, “It’s quiet—too quiet” or shouts at dinner for his parents to “do a barrel roll.”
When finished with a conversation, Bussert says, “Finish him,” and walks stone-faced from the room.
Although Bussert speaks only gamerese, friends and family say that the transition was so gradual that they barely noticed when he began speaking it exclusively. Friends estimate that his language comprises quotes from over 900 video games and that he speaks in entire sentences and thoughts of strung-together video game quotes in addition to the interjectory words and phrases he often blurts during his daily activities.
-The Editors
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Singer’s Vibrato Ranges Three Octaves Per Note
Syracuse, New York— Roger Alonso has developed his voice into a surprisingly agile and long-range instrument that resonates throughout entire buildings as it soars to dizzying heights and breathtaking lows—all while he is holding out one note.
Alonso began his singing career singing special numbers in his church but quickly cut a record deal with a local recording studio and never looked back. His claim to fame is his quavering, crooning, tremulous vibrato that makes Pavarotti’s sound like the steady, even hum of an old rusty air conditioning unit.
“I have always had a lilting vibrato,” said Alonso, “and I knew that someday it would bring me fame.” Alonso’s “fame” includes playing the role of Julius Caesar in Community Theater, singing the lead in several local musicals, and singing the National Anthem at a minor league baseball game.
Alonso claims that his vibrato ranges three octaves per note thanks in part to the fact that he never breathes air above seventy-eight degrees or below sixty-one. Citizens of Syracuse often spot Alonso with his trademark bottle of honey water, running from his car to the entrance of some building while holding a scarf over his mouth so as not to ingest the pernicious, polluted air that the rest of us breathe.
While Alonso believes his vibrato to be the most dexterous and broad-ranged of all New York singers, he believes he can yet break the threshold of four octaves per note. “In time,” stated Alonso, “my vibrato will be the most wide-ranging vibrato in the world.”
-The Editors
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Stooges Come To Sobering Realization That All Three Put Yeast In
The jovial and celebratory mood three beer-brewing buffoons were enjoying was shattered by the sickening reality that the great experiment of their lives was smirched when a miscommunication lead to their using three times too much yeast.
The stooges, stymied by the nation’s prohibitory laws and their own deficient funds, decided they would brew their own beer. The plan seemed foolproof, and the three followed the ingredients meticulously when a twist of fate lead to each of the three dropping into the mixture the three cakes of yeast that the recipe called for without the others realizing it.
The trio discovered the gaffe when the tub of beer began frothing and bubbling over until they eventually had to scoop the excess into a conveniently available bathtub (the suitcase, oddly enough, just didn’t seem to be working out). After much wildly mischievous behavior and buffoonery, the panic subsided and the stooges were able collect their wits. At this point, they began earnestly trying to determine what had caused the tub flub. Each asserted he had followed the directions, even to the point of putting the correct number of yeast cakes in: “We followed the directions; I put the yeast in myself,” said Larry. “You’re crazy, I put the yeast in,” said Moe. “You’re boith crazy, I put the yeast in,” said Curly. The stooges then chorused slowly, “We all put the yeast in!” with stunned realization. They made the best of the fiasco by bottling the rest up, selling one bottle, and getting thrown into prison.
It seems these three delinquent derelicts were destined to suffer, and although they always seem to be free from previous predicaments, the stooges may never overcome the slapping, eye poking, and hair pulling long enough to succeed at anything truly great.
-The Editors
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Bigfoot Actually Tired, Out-Of-Work New Jersey Bus Driver In Gorilla Suit
Bluff Creek, Cal.— The gig is up for Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Yowie, Yeren, Almas, Barmanou, Skunk Ape, Mande Barung, Ban-manush, Orang Pendek.
This Wednesday, Charlie “Chip” Howery, an ex-New Jersey bus driver, turned himself in as the legendary and hairy humanoid primate biped spotted all across North America and even throughout parts of Europe and Asia over the past century. Howery, a tall, soft-spoken man now in his mid 80’s said he was “just tired and ready to come clean.”
Howery spun the remarkable tale of being at the end of his rope after losing his job driving buses following World War II when he got the idea to rent a gorilla costume and perform at parties and social events. The fact that he was mistaken for the creature that would grow into the legend it eventually did was purely accidental. Howery claims he pulled over in Bluff Creek back in ’67 because he had to use the bathroom and didn’t feel like dealing with the stares and questions at a gas station he would surely endure in his costume, so he made his way into the woods. Howery alleged it was at this point that he heard a horse whinny and turned to see two men, one of whom, Howery later discovered, was Roger Patterson who would dismount and film the most famous Bigfoot-sighting film to date—the Patterson-Gimlin film.
Howery claimed he lumbered away from the two men toward the safety of the forest because he “thought they were forest rangers or something” and didn’t want to have to explain his business in the woods to them. After losing the two, Howery made his way back to his Ford pickup and continued to the birthday party he’d been booked for. He claimed he thought nothing more of the incident until he began hearing about it from locals and eventually on the news. Soon Howery began “appearing” in the forest and arranging for close family members and friends to be there to film or photograph him. The photos and films produced so much profit that Howery was able to begin traveling to other states and eventually foreign nations to keep the legend alive.
Howery said he finds people’s attention and rabid devotion to proving Bigfoot is real to be amusing, but after nearly half a century of mystery and intrigue, Howery ended the legend in the same city as it began, Bluff Creek.
When asked about his future plans, Howery said he might sell the movie rights and will probably write his memoirs which he plans to title Reflections on Being Bigfoot. “I don’t know,” said Howery, “I’ll miss the excitement, but it’s time for me to find me.”
-The Editors
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Congratulations Loser, You Are Reading TSR’s 150th Article
If you are reading this, you probably have a head packed with useless information.
A quick recap of what we’ve learned on this site is that David “Dopey” Scaczynski is unhealthily obsessed with Meijer and Halo, Marv DeScall loves pogs and sugary cereals, black The North Face fleeces hold ethereal powers of magical toastiness, Lawrence Taynandez is a crooked, mealy-mouthed politician with a filthy kitty litter box, Joe Sherman is a terrible speller with a penchant for pinkie-picking his nose, intolerant teachers ridicule and psychologically pester their students, Thomas Marlippo is a house-sitting male nurse, the only sensible thing to do about the Wisconsin problem is to dislodge that barren carbuncle from the union with nuclear warheads, nerds have run amuck, Joliet is incredibly muggy and has a house with an infinite attic, and anyone who regularly feeds on this rubbish is an indolent, shiftless idler.
In the final paragraph of this milestone article, the editors, as is their custom, will bite the eyes that read them like Denethor’s cherry tomatoes.
-The Editors
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