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Special Edition: Drugs And Our Youth
Girl’s Friends Sick Of Her Claiming To Be Addicted To Vicodin After Getting Her Wisdom Teeth Pulled
Julie Harding’s friends are beginning to wish she had never had her wisdom teeth pulled because of the obnoxious thing Harding has been repeating since the procedure.
Approximately four days ago, Harding went to the dentist for a routine wisdom teeth removal and was pleasantly surprised to learn she would be on Vicodin for the next week or so. High school senior Janie Summers says that this pleasant surprise for Harding wasn’t so pleasant for her and Harding’s other friends, however. Said Summers, “OK, that’s fine if she needs Vicodin for the pain or whatever, but every single day she is all like, ‘Oh my word, I am so addicted to Vicodin!’ It’s super annoying when she says it; I mean, I guess it was funny the first time, but she has said it like three times an hour for the past three or four days now, twenty-four/seven.”
Junior Patricia Leigh Everett confirmed Summers’ allegations and added, “She kept going on about how everything seemed so much more mellow, and nothing mattered when she was on it. She was like, ‘I can’t go more than like twenty minutes without taking a pill! I gotta have the doctor prescribe more.’ She even talked about finding a doctor who would if hers didn’t. I mean, does she think she is the first person to ever take Vicodin? I had it when I was having migraines a year ago, and trust me, it’s not as big a deal as she makes it out to be.”
Although Harding has no known history of drug abuse and the Vicodin prescription is valid, her mother has been keeping a close eye on her and said she is “nervous about [Harding’s] taking such a strong drug.”
Harding’s swelling seems completely gone, and her dentist, who refused a formal interview, did state that he prescribes Vicodin for only limited periods to help alleviate the intense pain that often accompanies the days of convalescence following a tooth removal. He anticipates Harding will recover completely with no long-term dependency on Vicodin.
-The Editors
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FDA To Announce New Recommendations For Serving Temperature Of Revenge
For years, people have cleverly quipped that revenge is a dish best served cold, but that serving temperature could be history now as years of conventional wisdom have been shockingly discredited in a recent release from the FDA.
In a startling, 2,000-plus page report, the FDA has recommended that those serving revenge bring its internal temperature to at least 140 degrees Fahrenheit first. Page 342 of the report stated, “Revenge served cold might prove unsanitary and could be a breeding ground for thousands of dangerous bacteria.” The report went on to cite a ten-year-long Johns Hopkins study that found a link between revenge served cold and diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer’s, MS, Muscular dystrophy, Mad Cow Disease, Hoof and Mouth, Asian Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Syphilis, Fugues Dystrophy, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, hemorrhoids, childhood obesity, oldness, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
Critics, however, call the report “inconclusive” and “sensationalizing nonsense.” One critic accused the FDA of purposely trying to “incite widespread panic” and recommended people go on serving revenge at whatever temperature they deem fit for themselves and their families.
The White House released a statement in a live, televised press conference announcing that “while people have been serving revenge cold for many years, Americans should consider making changes in light of this new information, much the way they did when they discovered smoking was dangerous.” President Obama awkwardly stubbed out the cigarette he had been smoking after saying this and continued, “We would advise using extreme caution when serving revenge. Please use common sense, and follow the FDA recommendations for revenge temperature.”
The FDA promised further studies and many years devoted to exploring these new findings. They then requested that Congress allot them an extra $40 billion over the next three years for further study, which Congress promptly voted to do.
-The Editors
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Father Tells Son That Animals On Side Of Road Are "Taking A Nap"
Young Samuel Middleton wonders if he will ever be able to trust his father after discovering his dad had been lying to him for years about the animals they often saw lying on the side of the road.
Each summer, the Middletons take family trips to different US destinations such as Washington D.C., the Grand Canyon, and Disney World. While driving to these places, Young Samuel would often see furry, fuzzy critters lying on the side of the road, and he would ask his Father, Walter Middleton, why they were there.
Samuel said, “Dad said they were taking a nap, and I believed him. It got to the point where whenever he saw one, he would just say, ‘Well that seems like a bad spot to take a nap!’ but then last year when I was eight, I saw a cow laying in a field and it was big and round with flies around it like the animals on the side of the road are, and I knew that it wasn’t sleeping because cows sleep standing up, and I was thinking about it this year and realized that the animals on the side of the road really aren’t taking a nap, they are dead. I don’t know why daddy has been lying to me, but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.” Young Middleton added with a sniffle, “Now I know why they didn’t wake up and run away when those big ugly birds were biting at them.”
Samuel’s older brother Jonathan said, “That kid really believed him? Man, what a baby. We all laughed when dad said it, it was like a running family joke. Sammy is such a mama’s boy.”
Samuel’s mother, Carol Middleton, said, “Walter is always saying those kinds of things. No joke of his ever runs its course, and now he is paying the price for his juvenility.”
The Middletons are planning a trip to Colorado this month, but young Samuel claims he will not be attending. “Every time I see an old tire or a branch on the side of the road now, my heart jumps because I think it is another dead animal. I don’t think I can take that all the way to Colorado.”
Walter Middleton stated, “He’ll go. He needs to learn that road kill is part of life. Plus, it’s not as though possums, raccoons, and skunks are endangered.” Middleton proudly boasted of ridding the world of several squirrels on his commute to work this summer alone.
State highway officials agree that the highway is no place for critters and admit to thousands of furry fatalities a week with no solution in sight. MDOT spokesman Marv Harriman wondered aloud, “Does the kid know about Santa yet?” The Middletons were unavailable for comment on that issue.
-The Editors
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Wife Walks In On Husband Openly Weeping While Watching Peter, Paul, & Mary PBS Special
Elizabeth Mercado was in for an unexpected and horrific surprise when she walked into the living room last Thursday evening and saw her husband John’s eyes wet from crying as he held his smiling baby while watching a Peter, Paul, & Mary PBS special.
Thirty-three-year-old John Mercado, a local businessman and new father, stated, “I was just flipping through the channels and there was nothing on, so I stopped on the PBS special. I have always liked ‘Puff the Magic Dragon,’ and little Johnny and I were watching them sing that and ‘I Know an Old Lady.’ It just reminded me of when I was a kid, you know? But then when Mary had her granddaughter on her lap and was singing ‘A Baby Song’ to her, I just felt all the love she had for her, and I teared up. I mean, I wasn’t weeping and howling or anything—if anything, I was smiling, but my eyes did well up.”
Elizabeth Mercado said, “I had just finished brushing my teeth and I walked into the living room to see him bawling there. I mean, I want a sensitive man, and I didn’t mind that he cried when Johnny was born, but if a simple old lady singing to her granddaughter would elicit the same reaction, maybe his crying is just him being overly emotional. I think it’s a little much.” She went on to further decry the juxtaposition of man and baby by saying, “Come on, who would you expect to walk in and see crying, your full-grown husband or your six-month-old baby? And Johnny was laughing while this buffoon is crying his eyes out. Buck up, for heaven’s sakes!”
Said John of his wife’s remarks, “That ice queen just doesn’t appreciate good music.”
John planned to set his VCR to tape the PBS segment on Simon and Garfunkel scheduled to air the next day and wasn’t sure whether or not he would become emotional while watching it.
-The Editors
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Ben Foley of Portland Oregon and his wife Suze were enjoying a once-in-a-lifetime trip to New York City when they encountered a shady street merchant selling items of dubious origin.
When Foley arrived in Manhattan, he had hoped to see Ground Zero and be able to take home something as a memento of the occasion to someday share with his children and grandchildren, even if it were something as simple as a stone or a piece of metal. When he arrived, however, he realized that the fencing around the construction site completely prohibited his approaching the area. Foley said, “I can go into a museum or whatnot, but looking at a picture in a building or seeing something behind felt rope just isn’t the same.”
Foley and his wife had seen the various street vendors throughout the day, but that evening he thought he had had a lucky break when he saw a man on a corner just off Times Square with a blanket spread out and various metal and brick items amassed upon it advertising “Take Home a Piece of 9-11. God Bless America.”
When Foley approached the man and asked how much for a twisted piece of metal, the vendor quoted him a price of $120 for a big piece or $70 for a small one. Foley said he looked at his wife and shook his head disappointedly before turning to leave but was stopped by the vendor who said, “For you, my friend, I sell big piece for $25.” Such a quick price reduction immediately made Foley skeptical, and Foley recalls wondering what would precipitate such a dramatic drop. He then began examining the products more closely, and that’s when he noticed one with the remains of a Transformers movie poster on it.
“That’s when it hit me,” said Foley, “that this guy might not be legit. I knew Transformers came out well after 9-11, so I asked him to prove to me that these items were actually taken from the 9-11 site, and that’s when he was like, ‘You can’t prove they are not really from 9-11, boss.’ We were very disappointed, and I told him he should be ashamed of himself, but I’m not sure he was because he immediately offered me a big piece for $5.”
Foley’s “9-11 memento” sits on his desk in his Portland office anticipating children and grandchildren.
-The Editors
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What Matthew Horne of Belleview, Michigan, sees as playful repartee, his wife Bridget finds grating and obnoxious.
Bridget Horne, mother of three and wife of eleven years to Matthew, said that she doesn’t mind cooking and cleaning and other such household tasks. She even acknowledges that Matthew often helps her and is a loving husband and a doting father. “I don’t know why it bothers me so much,” said Bridget, “but ever since the first time he said it, it irritated me, as if I don’t do these things every single day. I probably cook a full meal four out of seven days, and each time I cook or I say he looks nice in a suit, he opens his eyes real wide like a dope and says all surprised, ‘Who are you and what have you done with my wife?’ I know he is joking, but it just gets old. And now the kids are old enough to start picking up on this stuff. Yesterday my six-year-old second-born son, when I fed him his lunch, looked at me and said, ‘Who are you and what have you done with my mommy?’ I thought Matt was going to die of a heart attack he was laughing so hard, which will only encourage [the children] to do it more.”
Matthew said, “She knew my humor when she married me, and she still did it, so I guess anything I say or do can’t be held against me.”
Bridget added, “I try to say things like that to him to show him how it feels, but he just laughs and looks at me like I’m from Mars. I thought the joke would grow old if I just ignored it for a while, but I never counted on his perseverance. It’s as if the more I ignore it, the funnier it is to him. I just can’t win.”
The Hornes have yet to come to a mutually favorable solution, and Bridget fears she will have to put up with his lampoonery indefinitely.
-The Editors
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