Embedded Files
Woman Not Upset So Much With What Husband Said As With What He Left Unsaid
In a long-standing feud between Maureen and John Schleggington, Maureen feels John has failed to say some pretty basic things.
The Schleggingtons have been more-or-less happily married for over thirty years, and so a terse disagreement is no stranger to these veterans of matrimony. Maureen does, however, have complaints about John’s noncommittal approach to resolving these conflicts. “John doesn’t say hurtful or manipulative things to me—he knows better than that. What really irks me, though,” said Maureen while violently chopping a carrot, “is the fact that he’ll never admit he was wrong, even when I prove where he contradicted himself. All he does is grunt and say, ‘oh, well,’ and slink off to the garage to watch TV.” Maureen, at this point, stopped chopping to motion toward the garage with the knife, emphasizing her point as she went on, “I know he’s not working out there, and I also know he knows he’s wrong. But then he just wants to go on like nothing ever happened, like a lunk.”
Our reporters could not confirm what John was doing in the garage because he refused to open the garage door when they knocked. They did, however, hear the muffled, playful banter and canned laughter of a sitcom emanating from underneath the door.
-The Editors
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In Unexpected Plot Twist, Franco Goes All “Green Goblin” On Apes At End Of New P.O.T.A. Movie
(Spoiler Alert!)
Not many moviegoers this weekend expected the strange marriage of arachnids to apes, but in true Hollywood fashion, The Rise of the Planet of the Apes delivered spectacular effects, breathtaking suspense, and a surprise ending.
Fans of the P.OT.A. franchise have been waiting with frantic and rabid excitement for the release of the latest installment in the long-running series. The new picture is, in fact, a prequel to the Heston version from 1968. In this new movie, apes begin the evolution to the advanced, intelligent creatures they are in the original. With a star-studded cast, this film was sure to be a box office smash, but nobody expected what happened with one of the movie’s biggest name near the end.
In a scene of ensuing panic in which the Apes were attacking humans everywhere, James Franco, apparently confused about his character’s role in this movie, came flying onto the scene dressed as the Green Goblin, riding his “Goblin Glider,” and tossing goblin grenades into the hoards of savage apes while screaming, “I’ll save you, Pete!” and, “Get your paws off them, you [expletive], dirty apes!”
While this scene was charged with excitement and tension that left everyone in the theater on the edges of their seats until the very end, some question the appropriateness of such a scene and wonder how it will affect the reputation of the franchise.
Regardless of the final consensus, all moviegoers agree, it sure was spectacular!
-The Editors
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Man Franticly Searches For Sunglasses Until Pro Shop Associate Points Out That They Are On His Head
Pet store owner and avid golfer Trevor Pearson had a close call this Thursday when he feared he had lost his sunglasses for good this time.
Pearson had nearly abandoned all hope of ever seeing his shades again, fearing he had left them in his cart, or, worse, had dropped them on the course. “Yeah,” said a still-shaken Pearson, “I was like, what in the world did I do with them? I paid like twenty bucks for them at American Eagle, and I wasn’t about to go buy another pair. I just knew there’s no way I’m getting them back—some dude just scored a new pair. But then I remembered that they have a lost-and-found in the pro shop, so I went in and asked.”
Phil Clement, the associate on duty that evening, remembers a distraught Pearson walking into the pro shop with a harried look on his face. Said Clement, “I knew something was definitely wrong when he came in, then he asked me if anyone had turned in a pair of sunglasses. I had to do a double take, because I saw he had a pair resting on his head. I thought at first he must have a second pair or his girlfriend’s pair that was lost, but I said, ‘You mean the pair on your head?’ I mean, I’ve seen these things in the movies or whatever, but I couldn’t believe it was really happening here in front of me. Then he looks up, grabs them, and starts shaking his head and says, ‘Oh man, it’s been one of those days.’ I was relieved that he had found them, and I laughed aloud, probably more out of relief than humor, but I was just glad it all worked out.”
Clement went on to say that most lost-and-found items usually go unclaimed, some of which are rather expensive, and so it is a “cool thing” anytime these things find their owners, even if their owners had them all along.
-The Editors
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Mother Alleges Baby’s Bib More Full Of Rice Cereal When Dad Feeds Baby Than When She Does
Charles and Kathy Gitto, proud new parents of a five-month-old baby boy, have to agree to disagree about which parent is neater when feeding little Charles III.
Within the past two weeks, Baby Charlie has begun eating rice cereal, which his parents eagerly spoon into his ravenous maw as he holds it open like a baby vulture awaiting shreds of decaying road kill. For the most part, Kathy has fed little Charlie the cereal, but when she was cleaning in the kitchen one evening this past week, Charles II decided he’d take the initiative to feed Charlie himself. Kathy, who had been hearing Charles laughing out loud while feeding Charlie, decided to come into the living room to observe the feeding frenzy when she noticed the filthy, smeared face and bib of Baby Charlie.
“I just had to laugh,” said Kathy, “because it looked like there was more cereal on his face than in his mouth. I told him that he is way messier than when I feed him, but I guess it wasn’t affecting his appetite any.”
Charles II took issue with her claim, however, and stated, “It wasn’t that messy. I was scraping it from his bottom lip as fast as I could and putting it back in. I’d say at least 95% of the cereal got into his stomach. Plus I don’t think he’s any cleaner when she does it than when I do. She just thinks she is because she is the mother, I guess.” Then he added, “And if she doesn’t like the way I feed him, she can do it herself from now on.”
Kathy claimed that she hadn’t meant anything as a “slam” on [Charles II’s] feeding abilities, but that she just thought it looked “cute and kinda funny.”
Baby Charlie seemed ambivalent and had no comment.
-The Editors
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6th Grade Teacher Gives Student Ultimatum: Grow Up Or Get Out
Veteran teacher Darlene Macpherson presented a harsh requisition to 6th grader Tommy Winnager this Friday morning.
Macpherson, who prides herself in her orderly and disciplined classroom, stated, “I want to have fun just like every other teacher, but my main job is to teach, and if someone is creating a distraction in my classroom, I will not hesitate to remove that child. Tommy is a good kid, but he had been very active all week, and he just pushed me too far that morning, so I gave him a choice, ‘Grow up, or get out—what’s it gonna be, bud?’ and he wisely chose to grow up.”
Macpherson believes that sometimes a child must be called out publicly when his infractions are public, because “if the others don’t actually see the teacher dealing with the problem, they will think they have the green light to go ahead and [act inappropriately] themselves.”
“A well-timed look or stern statement of recrimination,” added Macpherson, “can be a powerful deterrent to classroom chaos.”
Winnager’s parents refused to allow him to be interviewed, but fellow classmate Erika Zimple said, “When Miss Macpherson stopped and said that to him, I was hoping he’d say ‘get out’ so she’d really blow, but he was pretty good for the rest of the day after that, which is more than I can usually say about him.”
Macpherson has been teaching 6th grade for nineteen years and is a well-loved and well-respected teacher at Eisenhower Middle School.
-The Editors
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Stanley “Stosh” Haralson Shocked Upon Accidentally Attending His Church’s Contemporary Service
Stanley Haralson, or “Stosh,” a nicknamed given to him by his K. of C. comrades, was quite astonished when he forgot to “spring forward” and found himself smack dab in the middle of his church’s “contemporary” service.
Haralson, a long-time member of The Solid Rock Bible Church, has been going to the traditional service an hour earlier ever since his church began making a distinction in an effort to reach out to a younger generation of parishioners.
Haralson said, “I don’t understand what all these kids need so much noise for. It’s all a bunch of loud racket to me.” Haralson also stated that he preferred the “regular church songs, like ‘Rock of Ages’ and ‘A Mighty Fortress,’” but lamented the fact that “these kids wouldn’t know what to do if you pulled their hands out of the air, opened their eyes, and took away their bongos.”
Churchgoers in the contemporary service noticed Haralson wandering around and looking for his pew. Derek Peterson tried to help Haralson. “Dude, I thought he was a visitor or was confused or something, and when I asked him if I could help him find a seat, he was all, ‘What’s goin’ on here?’ right? I mean, ‘What are you kids all doin’ here?’ or something. It took a minute, but then I figured out what must have happened with the time switch and all, so I asked him if he usually attended the traditional service, and he was like, ‘Yeah.’ Luckily one of the ushers knew him and was able to help him.”
When asked if he had stayed to attend the contemporary service, Haralson said, “No, I got out of there and went home. I was already frosted about missing my service, and I don’t think jiving with those kids would have made things any better.”
The reverend Bill Jacobs, head pastor of The Solid Rock Bible Church, says that such mix-ups are rare, and that their attendees, regardless of what style of worship they prefer, are still serving the same God. Also, he emphasized that the two services have been coexisting quite smoothly for many years now, and they anticipate they will continue to serve the Lord together until the Lord sees fit to bring them home.
-The Editors
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