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America Prepares To Start Caring About Swimming Again As Olympics Loom
Pounding football tackles, devastating hockey checks, and acrobatic slam dunks will, for a few weeks, take a back seat to the ancient sports that involve people running, jumping, swimming, and heaving—just not at the same time.
For nearly four years, Americans have gone blithely about their business giving no more than a passing thought to competitive swimming, but now Americans are suddenly finding the desire to watch athletes swim blindly back and forth across a pool in skimpy outfits that would make even Richard Simmons blush.
Nobody knows quite why swimming passes so quickly out of American consciousness after the summer games conclude, but pass they do, and for four years, Americans who had followed each aquatic race with hope, eagerness, and finally ecstatic exuberance are perfectly content not to watch or inquire of even one swimming/running/heaving/vaulting event until four earth years have passed and they are inundated with commercials tempting them with events they have not had the slightest interest in for years.
For now, Phelps will continue his one-man mission to take away the one thing Jared had in his life—Subway commercials—as he pushes avarice to new heights by attempting to win even more gold medals.
-The Editors
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Carwash Attendant Grows Weary Of Customers’ Demanding He Stop Barking At Them
Roseville, Mich.— Chad Lonquist is fed up with the abuse he has been taking and has threatened to quit his job if his customers insist on continually demanding he stop barking at them.
“It’s just rude,” said Lonquist of the caviling customers “and I wish they would be a little more professional about it.”
Lonquist alleged that one minivan-driving man threatened to “put [Lonquist] to sleep like a mad dog” if he barked at his kids one more time.
“Now that’s just rude,” said Lonquist.
Lonquist, who has been working “about twenty or thirty hours a week” at Aces Carwash on Gratiot for nearly two years now, said that his nerves are shot because he never knows when the next customer is going to yell at him or harass him. Lonquist said that he really needs the job because he owes some guy “like eight hundred dollars.”
Lonquist said he plans to continue working at Aces unless the conditions become intolerable; then he began barking.
-The Editors
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Cruise Goes On Tower-Buzzing Rampage In Wake Of Split
Miramar, Cali.— Coffee again befouled clean, crisp shirts as the screaming engines of Tom Cruise’s F-14A Tomcat “buzzed” the tower while controllers looked at each other and inquired just who gave him permission to do so.
Cruise, who recently split from his doe-eyed, side-talking wife Katie Holmes over a minor disagreement about the appropriateness of child Scientology cruises, even if the child has Cruise blood coursing through her veins, is said to have radioed the tower while buzzing it and demanded whether or not they “ordered the Code Red” before laughing maniacally and screaming, “hail Zenu!”
Nobody knows for sure how Cruise got his hands on the $38 million fighter jet or how he learned to fly it, but nobody doubts it was him.
“It was him,” said Corporal Lenny Mason who suffered severe coffee stains from the incident. “Or I guess, technically, it was ‘he.’ Well, ‘It was him’ sounds a lot better though. But Tom Cruise was flying that plane. I would recognize that million-dollar smile anywhere.”
After the tower-buzzing incident, sources claim Cruise tracked down Holmes in a preppy Navy hangout and began accusing her of losing “that loving feeling.”
-The Editors
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Local Man’s Endurance Put To Ultimate Test As Donut Shop Closes For Vacation
Ferndale, Mich.— Alexander Husock tried to be understanding during his favorite donut shop’s temporary suspension of activities for their annual vacation, but he has been finding the donut dearth untenable.
Each summer, the family-run Dancing Duchess donut shop closes for two weeks, announcing their annual sabbatical with a handwritten sign in the front window. The Dancing Duchess shop has been serving the metro area’s most delicious donuts and remains one of the neighborhood’s best surprises to visitors who hear of the fabled shop and experience their first encounter with the sweet, light, and unique donut delicacy before being hooked for life.
Husock, who names Ignatius Reilly as one of the most influential people in his life, has lived in his Ferndale home for thirty-five years and makes at least one pilgrimage per day to the sacred shrine of sweet cakes except in the arduous weeks when the shop shuts down to do who-knows-what instead of making Husock’s donuts.
“I try to wait,” said a visibly agitated Husock, “I try to be patient, but after a few hours the first day I—I always swear I won’t do it—I go to one of the chain donut shops. They are loathsomely disgusting, and it is all I can do to choke down the round repugnance they insultingly serve.”
Husock questioned the morality of the Dancing Duchess people’s absconding into oblivion when his very health and fragile psyche depend on his having a dozen or so Dancing Duchesses per day.
“I always forget what time of year it is,” said Husock, “until I see that sign and my heart nearly fails me as though I’ve just been told my dearest love is dead.”
Husock, like his hero, lives alone with his mother and the daily reminders that hope springs eternal on July 16th.
-The Editors
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Park Ranger: Bears Don’t Intentionally Kill People; They Just Get Carried Away Showing Affection
Moorcroft, Wyom.— Ranger Thomas Enyeart of the Keyhole State Park announced that the “Great Bear Scare” of Keyhole was blowing out of proportion a few “unfortunate accidental maulings” by a few well-meaning and otherwise harmless bears.
Campers at the placid and breathtaking spectacle of natural wonder have been wary to spend the nights in tents after several reported incidents involving alleged gruesome bear maulings and removed faces. In the wake of the above-average number of bear-related deaths in the park this season, Ranger Enyeart released his statement, essentially naming the bears’ overexcited gregariousness as the motive behind the attacks. “Really, they think they are playing,” said Enyeart in his statement to the press.
Some critics aren’t buying it though. One potential camper who asked not to be named said, “They aren’t playing; I’ve seen Gentle Ben, and I know what a playing bear looks like. Ripping faces off and crunching bones like iPhone 4 screens is not playing. This is just a desperate ploy by the state parks to get more campers out and to feed the bears cheaply.”
While some controversy still remains about the bears’ alleged attacks, many brave campers are still determined to camp Keyhole “bears or not.”
-The Editors
Pooh Bear Tires Of Honey, Devours Piglet In New Pooh Movie
Critics and parents are skeptical about the plot of the upcoming sequel to the popular 2011 Winnie the Pooh movie.
“This is, admittedly, a much darker film in the saga,” said writer and director Stephen Anderson. “We wanted the audience to see the angst and emotion Pooh surely endured as a misunderstood, overweight bear who is constantly badgered and belittled by the condescending Christopher Robin.”
Anderson went on to say that he felt the Pooh franchise had been giving children a false concept about how real bears in the wild act. “The last thing I want is for a child to think that bears are really fluffy, cuddly, stuffed with fluff animals who eat only honey and then go up to [a bear], try to cuddle it, and get ripped to pieces,” said Anderson after revealing that the new film would be including a “gruesome mauling in which Pooh messily devours his friend Piglet.”
“In the wild, bears are quite temperamental, and we definitely aren’t shying away from that aspect of the wild in this film,” said Anderson.
The cartoon, which some critics are saying should be categorized as a documentary rather than a children’s movie, will probably get a PG13 rating and is scheduled to hit theaters just in time for Christmas.
-The Editors
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