Embedded Files
Correction:
The Satirical Rogue would like to address an inaccuracy in last week’s edition (Volume VIII): In the article “Local Man Donates Pog Collection To Smithsonian, Tries Out For Biggest Loser” TSR alleged that two dozen donuts were missing after DeScall exited the building. Further investigation revealed, in fact, that the number was closer to three dozen.
Man Yells To Portly White-Bearded Pedestrian, “Don’t Put Me On The Naughty List!”
Southfield, Mich.— Clifford Nieves’ impetuosity got the better of him when he was riding with his brother Andrew and saw a fat, bearded man with rosy cheeks crossing at the intersection where they were stopped.
The Yule-tide Doppelganger was riding his bike eastbound on Ten Mile Road and was crossing Southfield Road where the Nieves brothers were stopped at a red light. Andrew Nieves, realizing he was too far into the intersection, put his car in reverse to allow the hoary-haired, plump bicyclist to pass in front of him, but he realized that the car behind him was too close, forcing the suspiciously St. Nickly sojourner to veer around the front of Nieves’ car to cross the road.
“He didn’t seem upset,” said Nieves, “but I rolled my window down and yelled out to him, ‘Sorry!’ He kinda nodded, then I added, ‘Don’t put me on the naughty list!’ but he kept on riding and acted like he didn’t hear me. My brother Andy was laughing his head off though, and I think some of the people at the light near us were laughing too.”
The purported Pere Noel could not be found to confirm whether this was a true sighting of the fabled Father Christmas or just a Hoteiosho hoax.
-The Editors
______________________________________
Congratulations, Loser: You Are Reading TSR’s Fiftieth Article
Nothing screams a lack of profitable things to do like spending an hour or two perusing nonsense sites on the Internet, and today you the faithful have reached a milestone of prodigality.
TSR editors estimate conservatively that a casual to careful reading of one volume of TSR, which averages over 2,000 words per volume, would take the typical reader about fifteen to twenty minutes. “For those unfortunate enough to be with us from the beginning,” said TSR’s chief editor, “that would mean over two hours of their lives have been spent in the pursuit of a meaningless, vapid, waste, and they have frittered their valuable time on something that, at best, could be an insipient substitution for real literary pursuits, and at worst could be turning their minds to mush or costing people their jobs if they are reading on company time.” The editor went on to say, “To tell you the truth, we don’t even know why anyone would read this drivel; it is the sort of vacuous, fatuous, low-brow nonsense that gives the Internet its bad name.”
Most readers of TSR began reading the news source because they felt obligated to do so out of familial compulsion. The average TSR reader is more than likely the editor’s doting mother, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle, or old college friend. Most people with any sort of literary sense, however, avoid the site on principle.
The grandmother of the editor, who wished to remain anonymous so as not to be embarrassed among her bingo partners, stated, “I don’t know why [the editor] continues in this dead-end pursuit. He has thoroughly shamed our family on a forum open to the entire world. Thank heavens most people with any sense wouldn’t accidentally trip onto that site to save an infant’s life.” She went on to assure us that in all other pursuits, no matter how trivial, she has supported her grandson because she loved him, but that her scruples will not allow her to stamp approval on this undertaking. “I still have love for him somewhere down deep, I suppose,” she said, “but these are the actions that try a sweet little old grandmother’s loving and patient soul.”
TSR, a relatively new site, has faithfully churned out six senseless articles a week since its incipient Volume I which came out August 6, 2011. While the site has definitely evolved a style and “voice” of its own, most readers tend to find the articles verbose, wordy, loquacious, and a bit pretentious. The editor, an English grammar and literature teacher and failed writer who tired of constant rejection of his sub-par writing in favor of publishing himself, seems to personify the saying, “Those who can’t, teach.” An appropriate addendum to the much-adduced apothegm might, in this editor’s case, be: “and make up their own Websites, lowering the standards to fit their own abilities.”
In any case, the future of this site seems questionable at best, and the real joke is on you the reader who not only reads these tedious articles but also accepts insult while doing so. One must wonder, though, how much patience can the faithful handful of readers have for a beast that proverbially bites the eyes that read it?
-The Editors
______________________________
Housewife Haunted By Eleven-Year-Old Comment “It’s Humid Out”
Joliet, Ill.— Christina Vellner can never forget the fateful day that she made a passing comment to her neighbor on a particularly muggy spring day in Chicagoland.
It was a day that would go down in infamy for the furtive future mother of two who, along with her husband Phil, was hosting her brother and his roommate for the weekend before they headed back for their final few weeks of college in Wisconsin. “Tim just can’t let things go,” said an exasperated Vellner, “and when I said to Julie [the neighbor] that it was humid out, for some reason I just knew Tim was going to mock me. Sure enough, he started going on and on about the humidity and mugginess, and then the next time they came to our house almost a year later, I happened to be outside talking to Julie again after a fire truck came to our house because there was a gas leak and then [the truck] took out a huge limb on our front tree with its bucket. Tim comes up and starts going on about how humid it is out, and it was 10:00 at night in the middle of December. Julie looked at him like he was an alien, but he just kept on going on. I was afraid she thought he was mocking her.”
The Vellners have recently moved to the Detroit area where her tormentor and her brother, both now married, reside with their families. Vellner, a nurse, went on to allege that Tim still brings up humidity and mugginess in casual conversations regularly over eleven years later. She said it is not at all uncommon to receive random texts and social network messages about the humidity from Tim who still gets his kicks from beating a horse that’s been dead for over a decade. When questioned why she thought he still kept the gag going, Vellner, replied, “I don’t know. My brother originally laughed at it, and he probably still thinks it’s funny, but half the time he’s not even there to hear it. My husband doesn’t stop him, he just shakes his head and kind of laughs and calls him an idiot, but Tim is incorrigible and can feed off the smallest amounts of encouragement. If it were something else, you’d almost have to admire his persistence, but he can be so obnoxious.”
“Tim” was unavailable for comment, but he did reply to our e-mail claiming that “due to the severe and unseasonable humidity and for numerous personal reasons,” he would unfortunately not be available to answer our questions. Vellner, meanwhile, looks forward to the clear, cool, crisp days of autumn when she hopes she will get a small window of reprieve from Tim’s antics.
-The Editors
___________________________________
Fourth Grade Teacher Instills In Students Healthy Hatred For Hitler
Muskego, Wis.— Martha Goldston has been teaching fourth grade faithfully for over thirty-five years now, over the course of which she has churned out hundreds of students who appreciate the American Revolution and who appropriately despise Hitler.
One former student, William MacMahon, stated, “I remember watching Johnny Tremain and really having the Revolution come alive for me. I have enjoyed reading about it ever since. I do remember Mrs. Goldston talking about Hitler when we learned about World War II. I just remember that she was very angry, and we were all quiet, and she said, ‘There is a hot place in [expletive deleted] for people like him.’ It was a very solemn time that I will never forget. We didn’t make any jokes about it, and I didn’t really understand why she was so angry about it until I grew up a little and was able to more fully appreciate the depths of evil Hitler went to.”
Goldston vehemently defended her attitude and position stating, “Sometimes there are despots who are just sick and evil, and those people do not deserve our sympathy or understanding, they just need to be exterminated like the animals they are.” Goldston went on to express surprise that MacMahon remembered so vividly her words since he is now in his early thirties. “It is encouraging yet sobering to think that what I say makes such an impression on these kids,” said Goldston.
Goldston plans to retire in a few years, but fully intends to continue teaching until then as she always has with regard to Hitler and other past persecutors.
-The Editors
______________________________
Friendly Game Of Kickball At Company Picnic Turns Violent, Ends In Bloody Massacre
Allegan, Mich.— Residents of this quiet, safe town of 4,838 were shocked to hear about the resulting bloodbath at Allegan’s scenic Dumont Lake Park.
Allegan County boasts a multinational consumer healthcare company whose mission is “Providing the world with quality, affordable healthcare products.” Last Saturday, this company held its annual company picnic at Dumont Lake Park in Allegan, taking advantage of its well-constructed pavilions, play areas, and beautiful lakefront.
The picnic featured its first annual kickball game, pitting salespeople, administrative assistants, managers, and other office shoulder rubbers against each other in what nobody could have predicted would become the bitter, hateful struggle of life and death it developed into.
Eyewitnesses say that tensions had been running unusually high between administrative assistants and their supervisors when things came to a boiling point late in the fifth inning. There are differing stories about who actually started the assault, but everyone agrees that once the onslaught began, it was a no-holds-barred free-for-all in which any stick, stone, or metal base anchor would do in the kicking, gouging, punching, handfuls-of-hair-pulling mêlée.
Lana Boyle, a saleswoman who didn’t participate in the game because of her deep vein thrombosis, said, “It was a perfect day for a kickball game. The sun was shining and it was about seventy-two degrees out. All the conditions were perfect until the admins thought the managers were cheating because they were putting a spin on the ball when they pitched it. There were several close calls, and the managers were saying ‘that’s part of the game!’ but the admins were getting mad because they couldn’t kick [the spinning balls]. Then in the fifth inning Jan Gilliam rushed the mound because John Buckner, who was pitching, laughed when she missed a pitch and fell on her bottom. When she rushed, her whole team did too. I guess their nerves were just strung out, and they were ready. It was like watching the perfect storm take shape and strike. At first several people tried to rush in to stop the fight, but then you couldn’t tell who was fighting and who was peacemaking, and then within a minute or so the blood began to flow.” Unfortunately Boyle could not continue because of the traumatic nature of the report and because her veins were throbbing.
Police and EMS arrived within fifteen minutes of the initial brawl, but already three were dead and another twenty-four were critically injured. Police made fourteen arrests and are trying to sort out the sordid details of who is to blame, but regardless of the outcome the small community will remain stunned by this unexpected butchery that rocked them to their very core.
-The Editors
__________________________________
New York— In an unprecedented move, the new TV crime drama on the self-proclaimed “America’s Network” stunned viewers with the revelation that the main character of their primetime crime drama may not be the play-by-the-rules cop we all thought he was.
Gone are the days of stand-up cops who follow the rules and always get their man. This drama has ushered in the hero who is as likely to use subversive and questionable methods to find out the truth as he is to use traditional police work. “We wanted to bring America the gritty truth of what our inner city crime fighters have to face on a day-to-day basis,” stated a spokesperson for “America’s Network.” “We aren’t here to preach ethics and an idealistic view of what a good cop should be in a perfect world of crime fighting; we are going to give it to the people hard, raw, and real.”
Viewers of the show claimed it wasn’t the grittiness that scandalized them so much as it was the fact that hints were dropped of the top cop having a mysterious, shady past with dark shadows that threaten to come back and topple the small measure of order and stability he has acquired in his recent years as a crime-fighting detective. “One thing I never saw coming was that this guy would have old enemies that might come out of his past in later episodes and threaten to ruin his life and the lives of those he loves,” said show enthusiast Joe Guthrie. “It’s a novel concept as far as crime dramas go.”
Critics have called this bold new plot idea “revolutionary,” “experimental,” and “groundbreaking.” Although many question the wisdom of bringing into question the hero’s past, time will be the judge of whether this audacious gamble pays off and if modern audiences, who usually demand moral uprightness on TV so stridently, are ready for a crime-fighting hero who may have a few chinks in his proverbial armor.
-The Editors
Google Sites
Report abuse