Volume LII Aug. 6, 2012

Landscape Of Old Man’s Mind Littered With Baseball Cards, Love Mementos, And Rusty German Panzers

Canton Township, Mich.— Edward Bryson described the arid, dry, dusk of his mind as he plods onward through what must assuredly be the final days of his aeonic life.

Bryson, who chased but never caught his soulmate, claimed he sees “mementos of unrequited love from floor to ceiling” in the small, three-bedroom bungalow of his mind that he has called home for over sixty-five years.

“I always dreamed big when I was a squirt,” said a pensive Bryson, “until I got back from the war. Then I just wanted to marry Elsa Lou Hastings, but she would have none of it. I pursued her till about fifty-seven, then she was too old to marry and became a live-in caregiver for those that can’t control their bodily functions and what-not.”

Bryson claimed he completely lost interest in Hastings after that and has no idea if she is still cleaning up after the incontinent or even alive.

Bryson said about the current state of his mind, “All it is now is just a dusty and dark landscape of perpetual dusk filled with only cold, foreboding barbed wire, barren, dusty fields, and rusted-out skeletons of Panzers tanks. I used to have some really swell baseball cards that would probably have made me rich enough to woo Elsa Lou, but my dingbat mom threw them all away while I was out hazarding life and limb in Algiers. Now they are part of the dust and ashes that float in the wind that drives the sadness deep into the hidden recesses of my mind.”

Bryson has expressed little hope that anything on the horizon would bring him happiness in the near future.

-The Editors

_____________________

Girl Wakes Up To Horrifying Realization That The World Doesn’t Revolve Around Her

Shelby Township, Mich.— Shortly after Carol Biltmoore’s twenty-first birthday, she awoke with a jolt and a shock as the sickening comprehension of her own inconsequence struck her with violent force.

For years, claimed Biltmoore, her father Tom Biltmoore of Biltmoore Construction (We built more for you®), who did not build his construction company through hard work, determination, long hours, thankless years of devotion and sacrifice but evidently thanks only to the government’s graciously allowing him to use their roads and bridges to bring his construction materials to his job sites that he stomped to on the backs and necks of hard-working Americans everywhere who worked just as hard as Biltmoore as he got richer and they got poorer until Biltmoore—so it is alleged—spent long hours sitting in bathtubs filled with hundred-dollar bills, throwing them up over himself and allowing them to flutter down and tickle his back hair, flushing some down the toilet after using them as toilet tissue, and screaming his detestation of the loathsome proletariat with maniacal laughter and avaricious glee, would try to explain to her that she had a lot of growing up to do and that someday she was going to “wake up to a world outside [her] home and realize the hard, cold reality that the world doesn’t revolve around the little Queen of Shelby.”

After angrily stomping out the door and burning Mercedes rubber off the driveway, Biltmoore returned to college and demanded an increase in allowance which, after receiving, she used to purchase camping supplies and took a semester sabbatical from her Ivy League college to protest with the 99% the injustices of the 1% whom the government had hand selected, groomed, allowed to cross their bridges like spiteful trolls, and then lavished with billions of dollars to keep the plebeians at bay.

“It was after we all looked around and realized we were living like animals,” said Biltmoore, “that we decided to reenter the umbrellas of our trust funds and return to college like little prodigals. We had already shot all the YouTube videos we could of run-ins with the cops, so we just figured, what’s the point anymore? And then, you know, it was back to college. That next summer, I got my first job and was horrified to find that I had to be in my chair at 8:30. That’s A.M. I thought, who do these people think they are? And so I quit.”

Two days after beginning her third job, from which she was summarily dismissed, Biltmoore had her epiphany, and now languishes in her room wondering what the point would be to go finish her last year of college when the world is full of such obtuseness.

-The Editors

____________________

Man’s Last Words Lament Having Revealed Gun Safe Combination To Wife

Warren, Mich.— Timothy Sherman, in the final violent throes of a horrifyingly painful and drawn-out death, gurgled that he “should never have shown [his wife] the combination to the family gun safe."

Sherman, a former gun enthusiast and outdoorsman, owned a plethora of handguns and rifles, legal and otherwise. Sherman’s wife, Dania, showed little interest in her husband’s passion and would have rather he spent his time “shooting his jockey shorts into the hamper instead of leaving them on the bathroom floor.”

Sherman allegedly confided in his brother his suspicions that his wife was becoming increasingly unstable, and he once stated that he feared she would do something “drastic.”

At about 11:15 p.m. last Tuesday, Sherman entered a quiet house after an evening of bowling with his buddies when he allegedly sensed something was wrong. “There I was,” said Sherman in the final moments before he died when he was miraculously able to hang on just long enough for an interview, “unbuttoning my bowling shirt when I heard a creak. I looked over and saw her eyes gleaming in the darkness of the hallway. I said, ‘Hi, honey, you’re up late,’ just like that, but I knew something was wrong. All she said back was ‘Yes Tim. I am,’ then I saw the glint off the barrel of my 9mm luger and she began firing at me at point-blank range while laughing like a crazy woman. Unfortunately for me, she had always refused to go shooting with me, and consequently she was a horrible shot. First she shot my leg, then my hand, then my foot, then my ear, then my thigh. Three of the bullets missed, and so it was time to reload. She knew how to drop the clip but was struggling to load the new one, so I had to tell her she had it backwards, and so she flipped it upside down, and I said ‘no, backwards, not upside-down,’ and she flipped it back right-side-up and then forward and it went in, and she began firing again as I screamed for someone to call the police.”

It was one of the bullets from the second clip that struck Sherman’s abdomen and eventually became his mortal wound.

“I said,” said Sherman as paramedics worked feverishly to keep him alive, “I said, ‘Man, I should never have showed you that combination, woman!’” Then Sherman gasped and passed as his wife looked on with malignant satisfaction.

-The Editors

______________________

NFL Players Fear Copycats Of Dark Knight Rises Football Scene, Demand Safety Harnesses

When players from the NFL watched the recent Batman movie, most couldn’t help thinking, My goodness, that could have been me as the earth swallowed up the entire Gotham Rogue team to initiate Bane’s reign of terror on the city. Some players, as a precaution, are now demanding steps be taken to ensure they don’t suffer a similar fate.

While most players acknowledge that the movie was fictional and that the actual threat of being swallowed up by the earth is extremely minimal to real players, some fear that rabid fans of the movie might incite copycat incidents by trying to detonate a device near or under current NFL stadiums that could plunge entire teams to their untimely demises. For this reason, a spokesperson from the NFL Players’ Association has demanded that each player be equipped with safety harnesses that would, in the event of a detonation, keep players suspended over the crumbling crevasse rather than plummeting to their doom.

“It may seem far-fetched,” said Indianapolis Colts running back Joseph Addai and strong supporter of the safety harnesses, “but if even one player is lost due to the negligence of the owners and league officials to prevent such a tragedy, that is one player too many.”

“In essence,” said Super Bowl loser Tom Brady of the New England Patriots, “if we go out there sans safety harnesses, the terrorists win.”

Although Brady’s logic seems dubious at best, most players agree that a lack of action on the part of the league could put the entire season in jeopardy.

-The Editors

_______________________

Mother Of Terrorist Admits To Having Occasionally Negotiated With Son

Talibah Acklahmed admitted that as she raised known terrorist and Great Satan hater Mandhur Acklahmed, she occasionally negotiated with him over everything from his bedtime to how many bites of hummus he had to eat before leaving the table.

“Acchh!” said a visibly upset Acklahmed, “he was always such a devout but strong-willed boy.” Acklahmed admitted that she should have connected the dots when she noticed his extremely militant views on Islam, his fraternizing with known terrorists, and his affinity for improvised explosives, but maintained that “hindsight is 20/20” and regrets having negotiated with him.

A spokesperson for the Department of Defense released the following statement about Mandhur Acklahmed’s recent threats to enact terror on The West and the long vitriolic diatribes Acklahmed posted on his YouTube channel IHateGreatSatan62: “Haters gonna hate, but it’s our job to keep the people safe.”

While US intelligence admits that Acklahmed now sets his own bedtime with impunity, they believe they are close to nabbing him before he is able to enact any of his terrifying threats.

-The Editors

_____________________

Man Refuses To Leave Bed After Discovering He No Longer Craves White Castle

Madison Heights, Mich.— White Castle’s signature catch phrase “What you Crave” has never rung truer than for Todd Whittaker until the day he realized in horror that he no longer had any desire to eat the sliders.

“I used to eat them by the Crave Case™,” said a woeful and confined Whittaker. “Everyone at my White Castle knew me by name, and once a year they renamed their store Whittaker Castle and let me make burgers and greet customers.”

Whittaker claimed he has eaten an average of 12,400 sliders per year for the last eighteen years, but all that came to a screeching halt Thursday when he woke up and felt completely uncompelled to satisfy his craving with a soggy square of holey non-meat. “At first I thought I had already eaten my White Castle breakfast and had fallen back into a deep satiated sleep after being completely fulfilled, but then I realized I had not, and the sick cold slap of reality hit me that for the first time since I discovered White Castle sliders when I was twelve, I didn’t crave them.”

Whittaker said he stayed in bed all day hoping and praying that his craving would return, but it never did. Friday morning brought hope and optimism for Whittaker until he awoke to the dark post-crave world that is now his continual and unrelenting nightmare. So far Whittaker has been in bed for five days in a row and claims he would prefer to just “be done with this life” if he cannot enjoy his White Castle anymore.

-The Editors