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Teenage Couple More In Love With Each Other Than With Idea Of Being In Love
Richmond, Ind.— In an age known for shallow, selfish, teenage infatuation, Brittany Serrano and Jeremiah Montoya have been in a loving, meaningful dating relationship for over a month now.
The odds were against Serrano and Montoya’s ever getting past the first several weeks of dating, but as they continue well into their second month, they have become a shining example to other teenagers of what a high school couple can be. Parents and teachers warned Serrano that she was wasting her time, that Montoya just wanted a cute girlfriend at his side, and that he had no future or ambition, but Serrano remained confident that Montoya was serious and committed to her as a person.
“J. Bear is so sweet,” said Serrano, “and I know he totally loves me. We were at the mall, and I saw a sweater I really wanted, and he bought it for me right then and there with his money he was going to use to buy a new dirt bike. He texts me like a hundred times a day just to say he loves me.” Clearly this couple has attained a level of sacrificial devotion often lacking among other steadies their age and are well on their way to proving spiteful, cynical adults everywhere to be egregiously and woefully wrong.
Serrano and Montoya are in their junior years at Richmond High School where they can be seen mooning amorously at each other; they plan to be married shortly after graduation with or without parental consent.
-The Editors
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Housewife Haunted By Yet Another Eleven-Year-Old Comment
Joliet, Ill.— A nurse, wife, and mother of two could never have realized that her passing statement would elicit so much derisive delight from her husband, her brother, and his friend for the following decades.
Christina Vellner, profiled in TSR’s Volume IX for another comment she has been mercilessly lampooned for, laments the day she passed on a bit of historical information about one of the stately old houses in her former town of Joliet. “Somebody told me that one of the huge houses had a skating rink in their attic, so I said it as we passed the house when my brother and his friend Tim were visiting from college, and they just laughed. To tell the truth, I should have known better after the whole ‘It’s humid out’ incident [See “Housewife Haunted By Eleven-Year-Old Comment ‘It’s Humid Out’” Volume IX], but I was just trying to make small talk.” Vellner alleges that at this point the torrential teasing began, and the boys began an onslaught of uninhibited hyperbole aimed at ridiculing her that continues interminably through today.
“Every time they came back in town and we passed that house,” said Vellner lugubriously, “Tim and Joe would ask if that was the house with the amusement park in their attic, or they would say, ‘I heard they built a mall and a parking lot up there along with a professional football stadium.’ I remember one of them saying that there was an airport and even a small town up there. I mean, I got the point that they thought it was ridiculous that there was a roller skating rink up there, but they just wore it into the ground. I wasn’t trying to say it was a full-sized, commercial skating rink—it was probably just a small little thing they put up there for their kids, but they have to take everything way too far. According to Tim, there is, let’s see, an in-ground, Olympic-sized pool, a mosque, a state penitentiary, a skyscraper, a zoo, a big top, three-ring circus, a dairy farm, Jimmy Hoffa, a private island, a university, Atlantis, a battleship, of course the football stadium, amusement park, and airport, and, oh yes, an exotic rain forest in the valley of a mountain range—all in that attic. One thing I can say about him, he is definitely creative and committed to mocking me. We have been living in Michigan for three years now, and he still talks about that house and asks about the new things they have built in their attic. I just say ‘yes, Tim, whatever you say,’ but he is inveterate.”
Vellner continues to resign herself to the fact that her husband and brother and their friends just derive joy from her humiliation; she claims there are “worse things in the world to worry about.” Vellner, a self-avowed health food nut, worries constantly about the pernicious chemicals and various steroid-fed livestock being surreptitiously pumped into her children by malevolent food corporations and spends her days planning healthful and bland meals for her family using no sweeteners or any other tasty delicacies that would test the effectiveness of the hospital she works for.
-The Editors
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Community Opens Chinese Restaurant, Stray Cat Population Declines
New Haven, Ind.— Recently, New Haven proudly announced the grand opening of its premier Oriental dining experience, Imperial Ping Chinese Restaurant and Buffet.
Known for its agriculture and steel, New Haven has always been a quaint, family-friendly town with plenty of enjoyable restaurants for its residents and guests. Although Imperial Ping is not the first Oriental restaurant in New Haven, it is certainly the largest-scale Asian diner in town with an authentically Chinese cuisine. Lin Wong Goh, a first generation American, has brought to New Haven “Real Chinese food. So good.” Wong Goh went on to say, “You come eat Imperial Ping, we serve good Chinese food like real Chinaman eat.”
So far, Imperial Ping has enjoyed good reviews by the residents of the downtown area of New Haven, but some are wary of the restaurant claiming some sort of nefarious subterfuge, although nobody has been able to connect the dots. “I went there and I enjoyed the food,” said long-time New Haven resident Jordan Parker, “but something just didn’t seem right. Then I was watching TV and the local Fox affiliate announced a decrease in the stray cat population of New Haven. While this would typically strike me as good news because of the menace these cats have become down there, something just didn’t sit right with me. I can’t put my finger on why, but the idea of eating at Imperial Ping again suddenly sounded unappealing. I know it is unfair to the new owners since I have no sensible reason to feel this way, but something about the way they boast about serving the food the same as they do in China . . .”
Imperial Ping announced inexplicably this Thursday that they “love cats” and invited other “cat-loving” patrons to come try their delectable new dishes including “Siamese Delight,” “Kung Meow Chicken,” and “Sweet and Tabby Pork.”
Imperial Ping also introduced a credit system in which patrons will be allowed to eat for free, but their children and grandchildren will be charged for the meals years in the future with an exorbitantly high interest rate tacked on. So far, nearly every diner has taken advantage of this novel system.
-The Editors
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US Army Descends On Quiet Amish Community, Commences With Large-Scale Attack
Lancaster, Penn.— Few members of the quiet, family-oriented Amish community will forget the day the “Englishmen” invaded, mostly because so few survived.
Eyewitnesses say that the Amish men had taken a break from a community barn-raising and were enjoying a home-cooked lunch served by the submissive and servile women when the tanks came into view. “Men were fanning themselves with their hats and tugging at their beards discussing the crop and the upcoming harvest when we heard the whirring and clicking of machinery in the distance,” said tourist Harry Tanner who had come to observe the spectacle with his wife of thirty-seven years. “The first thing we saw was the glint of the sun off the tanks as they came up over the hill and rolled down toward the half-built skeleton of a barn that began to seem more like a portent of destruction than a symbol of new lives being welcomed by a gentle, peace-loving community. I won’t lie to you, the sound of fifty thousand boots marching toward the Amish in perfect unison sent a chill down my spine that made me proud to be American. When the firefight was over, most of us were on our feet chanting, ‘U-S-A! U-S-A!’”
Other spectators complained that the Amish seemed woefully unprepared and failed to put up more than the most pitiable defenses. “They watched the army descend the hill, and most just stood there dumbfounded,” said Jerry Pacheco. “When the troops and tanks began to open fire, the Amish folks just started running around like they were caught completely off guard. One or two heaved a couple pitchforks toward the soldiers, which I found very unsporting, but other than that, they didn’t even fight back.”
Army spokesperson Elian Santiago said, “This was a confidence-boosting victory for the United States that every citizen shares in. Today we beat back the tide of quiet, hardworking pacifism and subdued our enemy in a way that will cause the world to take notice. The battle is over, the victory is complete, and the strategic execution was flawless.”
Santiago went on to describe US plans to help with the reconstruction of the decimated community and released a photograph of the process already underway. The photo shows US soldiers, sleeves uprolled, working alongside several of the Amish survivors helping to rebuild the barn that was destroyed in the battle. Army officials remain confident that further similar cooperation is possible and that the US can work alongside the Amish to improve relations and avoid the necessity of similar slaughters in the future.
-The Editors
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Scottsdale, Ariz.— Students of Fred Niemeyer are not fooled by Niemeyer’s antics of playing dumb with them.
Niemeyer has been teaching social studies to ninth graders for nine years now, and when he is not confiscating notes from students and fabricating the contents while reading them aloud to the others, he is cleverly sidestepping the never-ending torrent of nonsensical questions that students demand of him.
Hannah Foley, one of Niemeyer’s students and a basketball player, said, “Whenever someone asks Mr. Niemeyer a question, he just lies and says he doesn’t understand the question. Like the other day I asked him if we could just do the odd problems in our homework assignment, and he was like, ‘I’m not sure I understand the question,’ so I asked him again, and he just kept looking at me all confused. I knew he understood exactly what I was saying because he couldn’t hide this dumb little smirk on his face, but he kept sticking to his story.”
“Some of their questions are just ridiculous," said Niemeyer, "and sometimes they are asking me things I’ve already made clear a hundred times. They will ask if we can postpone a test, or they will start complaining about how little time they had to do their homework. Sometimes it is a question about if they can go study with another student or do something I’d just prefer they didn’t do, and so I find it easiest to just avoid the question.”
School administrator Michael Ingram refused to comment and claimed he “wasn’t sure he understood our reporter’s questions.” Despite the caginess of these public servants, Saguaro High School continues to perform well, and few parents have complaints about Niemeyer or Ingram.
-The Editors
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Mother’s Commands To Child Evocative Of Mortal Combat’s Scorpion
East Grand Rapids, Mich.— When Meijer shopper Keith Overby heard Sarah Glass tell her child to “Get over here,” his mind instinctively raced back twenty years to long, gruesomely happy hours of playing Mortal Combat on his Sega Genesis.
“It must have been the lilt and cadence of her intonation when she said it,” said a redolent Overby as he recalled the incident in all its nostalgic resplendence. “It just brought me immediately and lucidly back to my childhood days of ripping binary heads off and tearing spines out on my Sega. My favorite character was Scorpion because he had that little rope with the hook that he would pull people toward him with for a punishing uppercut. He would say as he pulled the person across the screen toward him, ‘Get over here!’ and I knew that there was nothing they could do but wait for my punch. Anybody who heard ‘Get over here’ during the nineties couldn’t help but automatically associate it with [Scorpion].”
Eyewitnesses say that the child had been misbehaving and that his mother was becoming frustrated with him, but that when the child finally did obey his mother, she neither punched him nor finished him, Overby’s temptation to urge her to do so notwithstanding.
“Sometimes,” said Overby, “a thing just gets so ingrained in your head via repetition that the strangest things can recall it at the most unexpected times.” Overby is a financial planner who works in Grand Rapids and helps people plan for their retirement.
-The Editors
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