Embedded Files
Special Halloween Edition
Run On Bathrooms At Local Rest Home Turns To Tragedy
Roseville, Mich.— Surviving residents at the Clara Barton Nursing Home would never be the same if they could remember what took place just hours ago.
It all started when residents wheeled, wobbled, and walked into the sitting area to slurp Jell-O and attempt to play bingo. Nobody is quite sure how it all started, but at some point, a panic began at one of the tables, and several residents hobbled toward the bathroom at a breakneck shuffle shouting that the bathrooms were being temporarily closed for cleaning.
Those cognizant enough to realize the danger immediately began moving toward the bathroom before it was too late, and those who didn’t understand just got caught up in the general atmosphere of electrified excitement and began throwing bingo chips everywhere and shoving wheelchairs, some peopled and some empty, into walls.
Resident Harriet Taylor described the situation like this, “You took my pearls. You rebellious punk. You took my pearls. Someone forgot to take the trash out.”
Apparently an errant “Temporarily Closed for Cleaning” sign was the cause for the hysteria. The sign, usually folded and placed behind a table, was allegedly plainly visible, causing residents to fear the nearest bathroom would become unavailable.
The name of the janitor is not being released at this time, but she has been suspended with pay pending further investigation, as is normal procedure in situations like this.
-The Editors
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Local Fat Boy Puts Debate To Bed For Good: Life Imitates Artistic Teasing, Not Vice Versa
Warren, Mich.— Marv DeScall, admitted victim of fraternal teasing, has grown to resemble the jeers and taunts flung mercilessly at him during his formative years.
As far back as DeScall can remember, his callous and calculated older brothers, no doubt jealous of his coveted birth-order position, forced their shame on him by calling him mean things like “fat.” Always the teasing was creative, clever, and appropriate for the occasion. Some nicknames included “Fat Boy,” “Fatty,” and “Fatty McFat.” A plethora of related names like “Sow” and “Fat Pig” completed the aggregation. After years of toiling at these somewhat tedious names, the brothers, all of whom refused to comment, shortened his nicknames to one all-inclusive acronym, the apogee of all insults, “TPP,” which, DeScall alleges, stands for Tattle-Pot-Pain, because, as he alleges his brothers claimed, he was “a tattletale, had a pot belly, and was a pain.”
Throughout the years, DeScall, who was never actually obese, dealt with the attacks by either annoying his brothers or alerting his parents to their activities. It wasn’t until he had been married for several years that he actually turned to binge eating for comfort.
DeScall, who now has a more-or-less normal relationship with his brothers, all of whom are in their thirties, was at one of their houses to get a haircut. When DeScall removed his shirt, his brother gasped in shock at the massive protuberance above and resting over DeScall’s waistline. DeScall, who had been covering his corpulence with oversized shirts and sarcasm, was left exposed to his brother, tormentor, and barber, and his brother pulled no punches.
After his brother had sufficiently derided Fat Bo . . . er, DeScall for his embonpoint, DeScall assured him that he was aware of the situation and had it “under control,” to which his brother allegedly replied, “Looks like the only thing you have under control is your mastery of the phrase ‘super size it.’”
DeScall again claimed that he was on the mend and sat defiantly awaiting his haircut despite his brother’s informing him that “getting a haircut is not a quick, easy way to lose weight.”
While DeScall was unclear about the methods he is engaging in to alleviate some of the pressure on his knees and bed frame, he stuck to his claim that he is actively losing weight, and he vociferously rejected offers for a free trial at Medical Weight Loss Clinic.
-The Editors
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Classmates Say Real Life “Ghoul’s” Forehead Vein Glows When He Becomes Angry
Clinton Township, Mich.— Classmates of Charles Salvatore say he has a vein running up and down the center of his forehead that pulsates and allegedly glows when he grows angry or becomes happy.
Students of the local high school first noticed the vein when Salvatore entered the eleventh grade. Salvatore, who always dresses snappy and prides himself in his even-keeled temper, laughs quietly and haltingly at most everything and only occasionally becomes upset. When he does, however, classmates say his vein becomes prominent and obtrudes almost as far as his nose.
“I think I saw it pulsating like the giant heart at the end of Contra,” said classmate Austin Riley, referring to the once popular Nintendo Entertainment System game. “We decided to do an experiment once and turned out all the lights after someone told a joke, and a bunch of the kids say they saw an eerie red glow coming from Charles’ general area. Either that vein was glowing or the little green men visited us at that exact moment.”
So far medical experts remain baffled at the incident, and many are skeptical. “There are no known medical causes for such an occurrence,” said Dr. Peter Mancillio, “nor are there any documented cases of glowing veins to date. We would have to examine this subject before developing a theory or confirming the phenomenon.”
Presently, Salvatore awaits examination and resists publicity.
-The Editors
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Madison, Wis.— A new study out of the University of Wisconsin finds that a majority of young people buying black The North Face fleeces believe that the fleece material holds ethereal powers to warm them beyond the physical attributes of the fibers.
The federally funded research began as a hunch by behavioral scientists who saw countless youths spending most of the non-summer months wearing black The North Face fleeces, adding no layers or additional coats even in the severest of conditions.
“We have seen elementary children through college-aged men and women skiing in single-digit weather wearing a flannel shirt and a black The North Face fleece,” said Dr. William L. Penhurst, professor of psychology and expert on human behavior. “The skiers were shivering and looked downright miserable, some even showing signs of hypothermia, but when questioned, they all invariably said, ‘[The fleece] is actually really warm,’ contrary to all common sense and logic, as though the fleece fibers in these particular light jackets had some magical powers just because they cost upwards of $120 per jacket, easily costing four to five times more than the same jacket purchased from a lesser-known store, and so we decided to campaign for federal funds to conduct this ground-breaking study.”
Most researchers were surprised not at the fact that their hunches were correct, but at the sheer number of grown men and women who believe that black The North Face fleeces have these innate, mystical abilities and were willing to justify spending hundreds of dollars on a fleece that probably cost The North Face about $2.50 to manufacture in one of its Chinese or Bangladeshi factories.
Spokespeople from The North Face deny ever implying or claiming their product has supernatural abilities, but a company spokesperson did claim, “The savvy customer recognizes the higher quality and craftsmanship of our product and prefers the genuine Gore-Tex and Polarguard fabric over the inferior nylon or polyester fabric of similarly styled but inferiorly constructed outerwear and is willing to pay extra for having the best. He should not be impugned by public universities with the backing of federal dollars for exercising his right in a free society to make a wise and conscientious purchase.”
Critics, however, maintain that regardless of the patented fabrics found in “genuine” The North Face products, no amount of Gore-Tex or Polarguard should justify the exorbitant prices or the insistence of many to wear the light jackets as winter coats.
-The Editors
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Teacher Uses Subversive Tactics And Puns To Trick Students Into Reading
Schaumburg, Ill.— First grade teacher Beth Pendleton isn’t afraid to ignore the rules of human decency in her ever-advancing agenda to get her students to read by crook or by hook.
This subversion comes in the form of a propagandistic bulletin board employing subliminal messages to the impressionable youths in her class.
An outraged mother of one of Pendleton’s students brought the controversial message to the attention of authorities when she stormed into the school office Thursday demanding that school administrator Michael S. King require Pendleton to remove the offensive material from the bulletin board.
The bulletin board, which reads, “Fall into a good book,” shows colorful leaves falling from a paper tree into a pile of leaves and books. Shown laughing jovially are happy children jumping into the leaves and books, with the obvious pun on “fall” the season and “fall” the verb. The controversy comes with the way Pendleton flagrantly used this pun to try to make reading appear “fun” and to associate reading with enjoyable outdoor activities that obviously would never accompany real-life reading.
King agreed that the bulletin board was ethically questionable at best and has ordered Pendleton to remove the offensive board. Pendleton, however, stands by her message claiming it is a “harmless and effective way to engender a thirst for reading” in her students and has refused to remove the board, resulting in her suspension.
Pendleton’s attorneys have filed suit citing gross violations of Pendleton’s First Amendment rights. Pendleton’s trial is slated for November fourteenth.
-The Editors
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Teen With Driver Personality Could Really Get Used To “The Truck”
Beverly Hills, Mich.— A teenage boy’s dream of borrowing his uncle’s truck was realized last Thursday when Tim O’Leary, owner of O’Leary Construction, allowed his sixteen-year-old nephew to borrow his truck for a day to work on O’Leary’s construction site.
Although Joe Sherwood had driven the truck before, having the powerful GMC pick-up for the day to haul tools and work in his big-boy construction boots made him feel as though he were a man—mature, independent, and hard working.
Sherwood’s younger brothers claim that when he got home that night, he was “covered in dust and wouldn’t change or take off his boots because he thought he was so cool” and that he regarded his brothers with insufferable condescension, exuding an air of superiority as he brushed past them and ignored their pleas for him to join them playing Nintendo. The brothers claim he then superciliously called his uncle and allegedly said, “I could really get used to ‘The Truck’” and then brayed pretentiously “as though he thought Uncle Tim would just hand over the keys and say, well here you go—it’s yours.”
Sherwood’s brothers say that after the conversation that did not result in a change of hands of the truck’s title, Sherwood went up onto his top bunk, called his friend Matt, and picked his nose with his pinkie.
Sherwood, who hopes to follow in his other uncle’s steps and become an accountant, dreams of one day owning a GM truck or SUV of his own so that he can “do handy work and stuff.” He also collects umbrellas as a hobby and hopes to one day get one from South Carolina.
-The Editors
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