Embedded Files
Confused KKK Members Rally Against Black Friday
Meridian, Miss.— The Klan reared its hooded head again last Friday to protest all the media attention given to Black Friday.
Apparently, local Grand Wizard Jared Hendricks of the Meridian chapter of the KKK misunderstood the news broadcasts touting the popularity of Black Friday. Hendricks immediately flew into action and staged a protest in front of city hall where stalwart soldiers of the old racist guard dug in their heels and prepared for a battle that never materialized.
“We usually have to mobilize a large portion of our police force to these rallies,” said Mayor Stanley W. Morrison, “but as it turned out, our officers better served our community that day at Wal-Mart than at the Klan rally. As I understand it, nobody even bothered to protest the protestors this time because they were all trampling each other at the stores.”
Hendricks stated, “We will not stand for another day given to [African Americans]. We’ve already gave them the whole month of February—what’s next? Black Decade?”
TSR reporters tried to explain to Hendricks that “Black Friday” actually refers to retail businesses’ finally getting into the black as opposed to red ink, but Hendricks replied, “I don’t care! We shouldn’t be using black pens anyway! What’s wrong with white pens with white ink?” Reporters tried to explain to Hendricks the concept of paper/ink contrast, but Hendricks didn’t seem to follow and soon joined in a chant with the small group of protestors who had joined him: “Friday, Friday, gotta take back Black Friday!”
Eventually the protest fizzled out with no major incidents. Meanwhile, three people were hospitalized after a brawl broke out at the local Wal-Mart.
-The Editors
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Class Nerds Run Amok While Bully Convalesces
Columbia, MO— Students at Winchester Middle School never imagined they would be counting down the days until classroom goon Jason Fourné recuperated from influenza and resumed his reign of terror over currently unchecked dweebs and dorkwads at the school.
For the past four years, Fourné, an eighth grader who repeated sixth grade once that his mother admits, has used his size and weight to intimidate local nerds into turning over their lunch money to him and cowering in silence. Most students took Fourné’s job for granted—that is until Fourné, who teachers complain is “never sick,” took ill and missed the latter half of this past week of school.
“Suddenly it was like the nerds came out of the woodwork,” complained Ryan Busharon, a jock at Winchester. “You walk down the hall and they are everywhere chattering about calculators and science fiction and stuff. I will shove a few into the lockers or scatter their books,” said Busharon, “but I just don’t have time for them all. It gives me a whole new respect for [Fourné] and the indispensible job he has dedicated himself to these past few years. It’s amazing how quickly things unravel in the nerd population when his stabilizing presence is removed.” Busharon speculated that Fourné must have skipped over half his classes to thoroughly harass the nerds and praised Fourné’s devotion.
Busharon’s awe and newfound respect was echoed by many teachers who complained of fatigued hours spent answering relentless questions by information-hungry nerds during class in Fourné’s absence. “Usually a simple look of disgust from Fourné was enough to stop these socially backward nerds from taking up all my class time,” said Mrs. Hargreaves, a veteran science teacher at Winchester. “Without his influence, these nerds feel emboldened to bore us all, flaunting all the things they learned on science shows and the Internet. I just want to get through the lesson and get home to my cats,” Hargreaves continued, “and Fourné made that possible. I desperately hope he is back on Monday.”
Fourné’s mother stated that he would “more than likely” be back to school Monday, causing teachers and students to breathe a bit easier knowing that the school nerds will soon be back in their places while the school returns to its normal routine.
-The Editors
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Household Mice Squander Opportunity While Cat Away At Checkup
New Baltimore, Mich.— The old saying notwithstanding, several mice in a family residence spent the afternoon in sedentary loafing in the absence of the family cat.
Skimbleshanks, a frisky calico, was taken to the vet for his annual checkup last week, leaving his post in the family’s living room for the first time in months. Normally, the mice in the house would be scurrying and skittering around the house looking for crumbs and other tasty morsels carelessly left lying around, but for some reason the mice just stayed burrowed in their dens completely frittering away the precious few hours they had to roam the house unmolested by the tyrannical Skimbleshanks.
When the family returned with the kitty, the mice found their opportunity had expired, and the age-old struggle for survival resumed.
Skimbleshanks received a clean bill of health from the vet and shows a renewed vigor for making the lives of the home’s mice as miserable as possible.
-The Editors
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Ethics Professor Raises Moral Questions
Mayville, North Dakota— An instructor spouting stumpers supposing stretched scruples subsequently set several students squirming squeamishly.
Professor Marvin VanHoyster, the bewhiskered, cardigan-wearing instructor of ethics at Mayville State University, made quite a stir recently when he posed certain ethical questions to his students in an effort to get them to think and examine their core beliefs.
“Professor V asked us like what we’d do if our kid was dying of a disease and our neighbor had medicine to save him but wouldn’t share,” said Mayville State student Rich Peccant. “Would we forcibly take it or let our kid die. I said I don’t even have a kid, but if I did, I’d just go find someone else who had [the medicine], and that my neighbor wouldn’t let my kid die anyway because my kid would probably be buddies with his, but he said I was missing the point.”
Another student alleged that VanHoyster described a situation in which a prisoner in a concentration camp had to choose between participating in the execution of his own son who was caught in a failed escape plot or having the guard kill the boy along with another innocent inmate.
While many students claimed that they would likely never face those sorts of dilemmas, VanHoyster stubbornly insisted that the exercises are simply designed to help the students think and explore their moral bases.
-The Editors
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Slain Runner Proves Ancient Axiom: “Those Who Live By Looking Down Die By Looking Down”
Richmond, Kent.— Mourning family members remember the difficult choice that led to William Johnson’s death.
Family members say that William “Willy” Johnson was an avid runner who ran several miles each morning to keep his figure trim and twerpy. “He loved running,” said Johnson’s brother Philip in their Kentucky twang. “One time he happened to look down and find a five-dollar bill, and so he told us he made a decision that day to always look down at the road as he ran. We tried to tell him that was a bad idea because the roads are mostly hills and twists and turns out here with no sidewalks, but he would always talk about the things he found by looking down. Mostly junk by my evaluation. Momma would say to him, ‘Willy, you are going to get yourself killed!’ all the time, but he just laughed it off and went on talking about how someday he was going to hit the jackpot and find Andrew Jackson or Ben Franklin staring up at him.”
Johnson never achieved his dream because at approximately 6:29 a.m. Wednesday morning, Willy, presumably looking down and scanning the street for cash or other discarded and lost valuables, was smashed into the grill of an oncoming semi truck.
“He died doing what he loved,” said a tearful Philip Johnson. “We always told him, Willy, you live by looking down, you gonna die by looking down, and he willfully made his choice.”
Johnson was survived by his parents, a brother, and two sisters. Funeral arrangements are to be determined, although family members say they plan to uphold Johnson’s request to be buried in his running shoes.
-The Editors
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Bearded Loser Rekindles Long-standing Friendships After Shaving Beard
Holland, Mich.— After college student Eric O’Malley shaved his “No-shave-November” beard, he was surprised to have several friends and acquaintances come up and introduce themselves to him.
O’Malley, a single, fifth-year senior at Hope College, decided to stick it out one more semester to see what this year’s crop of freshman girls offered, but he succeeded only in making friends with many of the guileless, philistine freshmen boys who saw him and his grizzly beard and disheveled hair as somewhat of a novelty and a source of congenial merriment. In truth, his huge, lolling mane of hair and tangled, unkempt, slovenly beard became a singularity that drew many mischievous and puerile boys to him with the curiosity that draws young boys to the ten-cent freak show at the circus.
When O’Malley returned home for Thanksgiving break, his mother forced him to get a haircut, shave his beard, and start wearing his new glasses. O’Malley, away from his worshipful, servile freshman following, obeyed his mother immediately and obsequiously, as is his custom. When he returned to school the following week, however, O’Malley appeared a different person.
“For the first few days,” reported a confused O’Malley, “Some of the freshmen would come up to me at lunch or in the dorm and stick out their hands and introduce themselves to me. I thought they were kidding, but they kept it up even after I laughed and said, ‘It’s Eric.’ They’d look at me funny until I said ‘Eric O’Malley.’ Even then some of them didn’t believe me, and I would show them pictures of me with my beard on my phone.”
O’Malley alleged that some of them seemed “disappointed” and grew cold, leading him to believe that several of them cared about him only if he was wearing his ridiculous beard. Others treated him with polite but distant deference as if he were “just a token of their memory of me.”
O’Malley plans to remain clean-shaven for the remaining weeks he has before his final semester is up this December; he hopes to possibly “snag a girlfriend” before heading home to his mother and her piercing cry, “EEEEEEEERRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!”
-The Editors
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