Seven Dwarfs Succumb To Mercury Poison After Snow White Insists They Switch to CFLs

One of Snow White’s visits to her old friends the seven dwarfs proved fatal just weeks after her departure, casting a dark shadow over her still-incipient happily-ever-after.

In an ever-increasing attempt to make the modest miners’ humble hovel greener and more friendly to the surrounding animals and forest, Snow White brought a box of CFLs back with her and changed out all the light fixtures in the home with compact florescent bulbs, explaining to the dwarfs that they stood to save nearly 18 cents per month.

At first the dwarfs seemed skeptical, but after Snow White sang them a warbling and stirring song about the importance of maintaining their forest home in an environmentally responsible manner, they acquiesced and allowed her to make the change. Snow White spent the next several hours busily unscrewing old bulbs and dismantling oil lamps and then screwing in the modern, environmentally friendly CFLs.

When one CFL proved to be a dud, Snow White instructed Dopey to fetch a replacement bulb from the cupboard and make the switch. “I heard a crash and then the tinkling of glass,” said White, “and immediately I knew I should have done it myself. By the time I got to the kitchen, Dopey was unconscious, his face in the mercury powder and glass shards. It was horrible. I spent the next hour pulling glass out if his face and round head, but he never regained consciousness. One by one, each of the other dwarfs began vomiting and passing out. Apparently their kind is severely intolerant of mercury.”

White said she has no idea how he smashed every single bulb at once when they were individually wrapped, but then stated with a chuckle, “If anyone could mess up that simple of a task, it was Dopey!”

The guilt of the dwarfs’ deaths weighs heavily on White and has adversely affected her enchanted life with Prince Charming. While Charming refused to sit for an official interview, he said that White has become “cold and distant” and will allow no light bulbs in the palace.

Ironically, Snow White, after being freed from her eternal bed-prison by Charming’s kiss, spends most of her days and nights in her bed with the curtains drawn, taking Prozac and reading Sylvia Plath.

Charming, who never cared much for the dwarfs to begin with, intimated that he blames them for Snow White’s condition, calling them “grotesque and repugnant creatures of the shadows who can’t even handle their mercury.”

-The Editors