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Employee Restroom Signs Defaced
Huntington Woods, Mich.— A shocking crime spree by a mysterious perpetrator threatens to close down a local golf course.
This August, employees of one of southeast Michigan’s premier public golf courses reported signs appearing in the employee restroom like crop circles in an Iowa cornfield. Nobody could explain their origin, but some conjecture that the signs are a result of one ranger’s frustration at continually finding an empty bathroom with toilets that haven’t been emptied.
Seen here are some of the signs the mysterious grammar-challenged vigilante left (See below).
Already someone had added “If it’s yellow, let it mellow” on the sign adorning the stall that enjoys the highest volume of visitors, but within days, people began adding impolite messages to the signs (See below).
The general manager of the course remains baffled by the graffiti and promises swift repercussions when he finds those responsible, but he secretly fears this mystery may go unsolved since so many different people have added to the unauthorized writing.
Despite the tomfoolery, there remains at large a person, presumably a man, who has reached a point of such desperation in his disgust for the flushing failures of his coworkers that he has put on display for the world his fragile grasp of grammar, spelling, and punctuation, evidencing just how far he is willing to go to get people to send their business, regardless of its color, to the Detroit River. One must wonder how far this man will go when the added comments finally push him over the edge.
-The Editors
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Governor Snyder To Appear In Gardner-White Commercial
Warren, Mich.— Michigan Governor Rick Snyder will do his part to stimulate the Michigan economy by appearing in one of Gardner-White’s famous TV spots.
Said Gardner-White spokesperson/marketer Al Feaslip, “I’ve been in a marketing slump ever since we ended the “We’re known by the money you keep” campaign. I was actually the one who had the idea to have a hand with several bills in it and then another hand reach toward it, palm out, and shake their hand as if to say, ‘We don’t want your money.’ For some reason that picture just struck a chord with many customers and made them realize that we are not charlatans after their money but are really just a group of friendly, knowledgeable folks who want to see you in the highest quality but lowest priced furniture in southeastern Michigan. Then I was watching a commercial lamenting Governor Snyder’s handling of the roads and the proposed bridge to Canada, and it struck me, wouldn’t he be the perfect spokesman for Gardner-White? Well, I made a few phone calls, and it turned out that Snyder used Gardner-White exclusively to furnish his office, which really surprised me. I thought he’d go more high-end, but anyway, he agreed to do a fifteen-second spot for us as soon as we got an approved script out to him. I thought about having the camera start out on the hand refusing the money as a throwback to the old spot, and then zoom out and you would realize that the hand is really Governor Snyder’s; that could be a double-edged sword signifying that we are not after the customer’s money and Snyder’s not after the taxpayer’s money to build his bridge, but some of the others on [the Gardner-White marketing team] thought we should steer clear of anything that smacks of partisanship so as not to alienate half our clientele.”
The commercial is set to air on all local stations beginning as early as November first pending approval by the Snyder camp.
-The Editors
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Whitehouse Staffer Reports Accidentally Seeing Obama’s Plans To Get A Haircut And Invade Iran
Washington, DC— Obama may have some splainin’ to do after reports were leaked that he plans to invade Iran just before the 2012 elections.
This Tuesday, Whitehouse staffer Patrick Budreau inadvertently saw the words “Invade Iran, Get haircut” scrawled across the August 23, 2012 slot on the President’s day planner in President Obama’s script.
“I was rifling through his desk for his ChapStick because he always wants it before press conferences,” said Jimmy Ontanuchi, “when I knocked his day planner onto the ground. It fell open to August, 2012, and when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed the entry. I didn’t know if it was ethical for me to say anything, but I thought the world should know what’s coming, especially if he gets his kids names shaved into the back of his head like Dennis Rodman did back in the 90’s.”
Ontanuchi is currently looking for a new job and blames Obama’s economy for his failure to be immediately hired. “Oh yeah, start a war right before elections, that’s original,” said a disgusted Ontanuchi.
Ontanuchi went on to claim that other entries included “Don’t forget to pay b. cert. forger” and “Go on expensive vacation on taxpayers’ dime.”
None of these entries have been confirmed, and Obama’s spokespeople could not be reached for comment.
-The Editors
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Body Builder Too Beefed Up, Joins Biggest Loser In Attempt To Atrophy
Livonia, Mich.— Yvan Svensen, Swedish legal immigrant and contender for Mr. Michigan bodybuilding title, has gone too far in his attempts to beef up.
Contest officials said it is not at all uncommon for finalists to spend over eight hours a day in the gym bulking up, flexing in front of mirrors, and tanning, but they realized Mr. Svensen might have a problem when they heard reports that he had begun riding a Hoveround® powered wheel chair into the gym because he was too bulky to walk from his car to the weight machines.
Officials conferred with Svensen who, in broken English, adamantly denied having a problem and stamped his mighty feet at the thought that he could be taking things too far. Officials then offered him a cup of coffee, but Svensen couldn’t fit his fingers in the handles because they were too muscular. “At that point,” said contest official Brett Pinkerson, “Yvan broke down and began sobbing, sending ripples all throughout his body and tremors through the room. He must have been holding it in for a long time, because he became a slobbering, tearful mess. His powerful lower lip quivered potently and he said, ‘I vant to vin so bahdly, and I cahn’t stop verking out.’ We couldn’t understand anything else he said, but we did hear that of late he has auditioned for Biggest Loser in a desperate attempt to bring his muscle mass down to a reasonable and manageable rate.”
While such a move seems wildly last ditch and unorthodox, Svensen believes the routines generally followed by the “losers” on that show would cut his muscle mass in half in less than a month. Svensen reports that he has begun seeing a professional therapist to help him ease out of his rigorous workout routine and into a more normal existence.
-The Editors
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Modern-Day Genghis Khan Raids, Terrorizes School Lunchroom
Shreveport, La.— Students at the J S Clark Middle School huddle together in terror awaiting the next attack by the alleged Mongolian ruler.
Over the past several weeks, lunchtime has been horrifying for many sixth through eighth graders. Witnesses report that foreign exchange student Batukhan Williams has taken to running along the lunchroom tables, kicking people’s food and drinks in all directions, and grabbing any food he wants, brandishing a large club and grunting his name “Batukhan,” leading many students to nickname him “Genghis Khan.”
“Genghis Khan is such a freak!” said a wide-eyed J S Clark seventh grader named Tiffany Padilla. “He grabbed my Hot Pocket right out of my hand and shoved it into his mouth, then threw it back on my plate, but there were long mustache hairs all over it. Then he tried to kiss me, but I ran away.” When asked why nobody stops him, Padilla said, “All the teachers are afraid of him because he has that club and grunts at them. They can’t even understand him, so they just pretend like they don’t see anything as he rampages through lunch every day, stealing food and overturning tables.”
Some are even alleging that several boys have begun following him now, and that these hordes of miscreants just rove unchecked throughout the lunchroom raining down destruction and mayhem and leaving a trail of broken tables and chairs and food messes in their wake. With no solution in the foreseeable future, parents, students, and teachers have been voicing dread about the debacle, and some have refused to come to school.
District officials have not officially recognized that the problem exists and say they are “looking into” any incidents. Many, however, say that the officials have been threatened and are too afraid to act. Others believe that nothing short of bringing in the National Guard will work to quell the situation. One thing remains clear: any action to solve the problem remains to be seen, and the city of Shreveport remains in terror, waiting to see what “Genghis Khan” will do next.
-The Editors
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Online— Somebody on the Web has staked his credibility on the certainty of the grand duping of the general public through seemingly harmless events and objects that people have traditionally regarded with very little suspicion.
“It just goes to show,” said Ollie Matztuffet, frequenter of the Internet and conspiracy theory enthusiast, “That you can’t trust anyone or anything,” seeing no irony whatsoever in his statement despite getting all his information from unsubstantiated claims of obscure and partially insane, middle-aged single people on the Internet sending out their lunacy from deep in the bowels of their aging mothers’ basements.
“It’s so obvious,” said Matztuffet. “Just look at the Kennedy assassination . . .” He then began pontificating about the connection between 9-11, Kennedy, the moon landing “hoax,” and the founding of America.
Although some remain skeptical of the swirling pools of swill on the Web, people like Matztuffet are taking no chances and have dug out and reinforced bunkers in their backyards to live out the imminent Apocalypse.
-The Editors
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