Embedded Files
Disney To Release Album Of Classic Racist Songs
Burbank, Cal.— Disney announced this week that they would be raiding their vaults for their upcoming release of the “finest compilation of latently and overtly racist songs ever written for children.”
Some songs to be included are “When I see an Elephant Fly” featuring Jim and the Crows, “Arabian Nights,” “Under the Sea,” “What Made The Red Man Red?,” “We Are Siamese,” “Colors of the Wind,” “Savages,” Various songs from Song of the South, “The Pastoral Symphony” from Fantasia featuring Sunflower the Centaur, and other lost or forgotten gems that are sure to raise the ire of some people group or another.
Disney spokesperson Ben Mahanta said, “The Walt Disney Company has always been about diversity. We are equally insensitive to all ethnicities, national origins, and races, from Native American to African American and from Arabic to Asian. We wanted to release something that captures an essence of the rich history of racism that only [The Walt Disney Company] can boast. What other social institution can trace its roots in racism from the height of nationally-accepted blackface right up through the politically correct-driven culture of the present?”
The record, slated for release this May, will be available in stores everywhere and for download at major Online music stores.
-The Editors
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As It Turns Out, Nobody Asks To Hear About “Samwise The Brave”
Middle Earth— Despite Frodo’s claims otherwise, Samwise Gamgee’s popularity never did rival Frodo’s among youths asking for a bedtime story.
Years after the ring episode, Hobbits and people everywhere revel in hearing and retelling the story of the courageous Frodo and his exceptional exploits in his quest to destroy the ring of power. Unfortunately, despite Frodo’s attempts to mollycoddle Sam by alleging that people would be clamoring to hear the story about “Samwise the Brave” and claiming that “Frodo wouldn’t have got far without Sam,” most children disregard Sam and his story in favor of the romance surrounding Frodo and the ring.
“I don’t know,” said one bedtime story enthusiast before his mom tucked him in. “I just relate more with Frodo. Sam seemed more—blasé—more predictably consistent. I mean, he ended up home in the Shire in an average Hobbit dwelling, married with kids. Frodo, on the other hand, was more raw and troubled. His trip to The West at the end, in many ways mirrors my struggles and journey thus far through life.”
Descendants of Gamgee see the whole thing as somewhat of a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy and place blame for their beloved ancestor’s obscurity on Frodo’s comments. “Frodo was, in fact,” they maintain, “making fun, and the audience picked up on his subtle condescension. He took advantage of [Gamgee’s] good nature, and now Sam’s legacy suffers for it.”
So far, despite the recent successful Hollywood films, Samwise Gamgee’s popularity has remained at barely a blip, threatening to dampen Gamgee spirits everywhere.
-The Editors
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Detroit, Mich.— In a city rife with crime, corruption, debt, crises, abandoned buildings and neighborhoods, record deficits, rumored but never-proven parties, mounting expenses, embattled ex-mayors, record unemployment, and the unwillingness to accept any outside help, the Detroit city council has toyed with a plan to bring hope and optimism amidst mounting despair and demoralization.
The council, who have consistently resisted anything smacking of sound counsel or wise advice for decades and have seen their city go from “The City That Drives the World” to “The City Whose Population Doesn’t Even Register As a Major City Anymore,” finally found something they could unanimously support: dyeing all drinking water green for Detroit and its surrounding suburbs this St Patrick’s Day.
“Well, I just thought the good people of Detroit would have a welcome surprise,” said Councilwoman Monica Courval, “when they turned on their faucets and saw green coming out. Green baths, green sinks, green stools—it would all be green!” Courval, who famously went on a tirade in which she repeatedly called city council president Kenneth Compton, Jr., “Shrek,” (the famously loveable green, grumpy, animated ogre) in an infantile, televised council session, seems obsessed with anything green. On an unrelated note, readers might enjoy footage of this actual Detroit city council meeting.
Although the mayor struck down the idea after some deliberation, council members maintain that the green drink would do much to raise the fledgling spirits of those in and around the city despite the mayor’s fears that people might grow “concerned” at seeing green water gushing from their faucets.
The plans to asperse emerald water to unsuspecting utility recipients have been tabled—for this St. Patty’s Day, at least.
-The Editors
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C-3PO Finally Concedes Damage May Have Looked More Significant Than He Originally Let On
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away— Over the millennia since the Rebels’ uprising detailed in Star Wars: A New Hope, droids C-3PO and R2-D2 have feuded like cantankerous old retirees over a passing comment C-3PO made after being jettisoned in an escape pod from a beleaguered rebel vessel.
The original comment, “That’s funny; the damage doesn’t look as bad from out here,” claimed 3PO, elicited an immediate contradiction from his snarky, contrary counterpart, R2-D2, who maintained that the damaged exterior reflected almost exactly the level of damage visible from the interior.
The ensuing feud, which has alternately boiled and simmered over the past several thousand years, seems to have finally settled into a steady, if precarious, truce after C-3PO finally admitted to R2-D2 that a thorough analysis of his memory banks revealed that the damage may have appeared greater than his comment initially allowed and that he was “more or less trying to make small talk in the awkwardly cramped quarters [of the escape pod].”
So far, this tentative armistice has kept the two disputing droids from further quibbling, although critics believe given enough time, and considering the droids’ history, the two will find something else to spat over.
-The Editors
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Disclaimer: The following article was submitted by a freelance contributor, and although the editors find the article to be in keeping with the high standards and principles upon which TSR is founded, they proudly admit having never seen a second of the show alluded to in the article. Any potential, however unlikely, inaccuracies or misstatements must therefore go uncorrected.
Unborn Reality Star Under Heat For Future Actions
New Jersey has a new face that criminals fear, and that face belongs to the Honorable Judge Steven Bell. Judge Bell is a newly appointed “No Nonsense” criminal judge with zero tolerance for crime or insubordination. It’s his latest stunt however, that has many Italian-Americans along the Jersey Shore saying “Mamma Mia!”
Popular reality star “Snookie” is furious that her unborn child has been sentenced to 180 days house arrest, and 100 hours of community service for reasons yet unknown. Jersey Shore’s “Snookie,” famous for quips like, “I have no idea where Italy is on the map, but I do know what shape it is, and it’s like a boot,” claims all this prejudice is because “Well, they’re like, always picking on us Italians.” Fellow Jersey shore cast Mike “The Situation” was spotted getting a new haircut and had only this to say about the matter: “Not now, Chief, I’m in the zone!”
Judge Steven Bell proudly stated, “I’d do it all over if I had to. These young punks nowadays have no respect and are constantly trying to push the envelope of the law. This is the first of many of my rulings against the unborn for future crimes. I currently have a watch list and am keeping a close eye on the rest of the cast of Jersey Shore for birth announcements, along with the majority of the Kardashian and Hilton family, amongst others.”
A spokesperson for MTV released a statement saying the unborn baby’s forthcoming reality show has been put on hiatus for the time being. “We cannot start filming a show with someone confined to his own four walls. Also, future actions of the fetus have raised concerns about legal liabilities the child could present us with.”
-Contributed by TSR’s Las Vegas Freelance Correspondent Michael Enzo Uttoveggio
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Romance Novelist Accidentally Writes Literary Masterpiece
Burlington, Vermont— Stephanie Pershan, known for her steamy zombie love sagas, quite inadvertently wrote, edited, and published a novel with literary power and artistic beauty unsurpassed in modern writing.
Pershan, who has kept tween and teen girls in angst-filled, heart-throbbing, longing suspense in her multi-volume zombie tome as they vacillate in their support of the heroine’s falling in love with either the brooding, mysterious zombie or the erratic, unconventional and completely spontaneous wolfman, says she is confused about what happened when she wrote the new novel (which has nothing to do with zombies or other creatures from B movies) and is mostly unimpressed with its merit.
“I was just trying to pass some time,” said Pershan, “when I began writing this story. It began as a short story, but it dragged out into a really confusing, twisty-turny kind of real-life drama that looks more like corporeality than the stale, flat, fantastic claptrap my regular audience clamors for and I glory in giving them. I don’t want to be known as some stodgy, boring old writer that no one wants to read because they don’t understand them. I mean, who actually reads Hawthorne, Steinbeck, or Hemingway? I don’t write like them—I write books people actually want to read, not ones that kids skip in favor of Cliff’s Notes. And now, people are comparing me to them—saying things like, ‘She is the next Mansfield or Woolf’—whoever they are. I really regret ever writing that story and just want to put it behind me with the upcoming release of my next zombie romance thriller: Zombie Dawn: Brain Food—due in bookstores this spring.”
Despite Pershan’s writer’s regret, literary critics everywhere continue to shower her fluke novel with unprecedented and unrelenting praise, hailing it as the next big thing to hit American literature.
-The Editors
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