Embedded Files
Area 51 Leak: Egg Carton Technology “Borrowed” From Aliens
Mojave Desert, Nevada— Air Force officials are scrambling to quell the egg situation along with the numerous puns about the word “scramble.”
Allegedly, a disgruntled former Area 51 employee spoke with media members last week and explained that much of our most jealously guarded national secrets led to the compact yet sturdy design of egg cartons in grocery stores across America.
Dean Vitkoski, an engineer previously employed by the US government at Area 51, stated to press, “When we opened up the first crate—that’s what we called them alien spacecraft—we seen a whole mess of the green guys in these little pod things, and Johnson says, ‘Hey, they look like a buncha’ eggs settin’ there!’ An’ we all agreed that the design would make a great way to carry eggs—safe ‘n’ economical. Anyway, we sent the patent off and became rich after the big stores bought it. We still earn about five cents for every ten dozen eggs sold in our patented egg cartons—which is pretty much all eggs except those bulk ones they sell with a few dozen in a box.”
Media agents questioned Vitkoski about any further technology stemming from the alleged alien spacecraft: “Naw,” said Vitkoski, “Them buggers were pretty much useless other than the whole egg carton idea. There were a whole buncha buttons that said, what we think was the equivalent to ‘Do not push under any circumstance or certain destruction will befall you in fifty years.’ We pushed ‘em all, of course, but nothing happened. Nope, we pretty much got nothing for the taxpayers’ billions except the egg carton idea, which, I would say, is not too shabby, considering.”
When several reporters pointed out that the first modern egg cartons appeared in 1911, Vitkoski waved off their claims and remained adamant about his invention.
While government records do confirm that Vitkoski spent several decades working for the Air Force from the early 60’s through the late 90’s, no records exist indicating he has any patents out on egg cartons.
-The Editors
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In Moment Of Weakness, Aragorn Lets Slip He Tossed An Dwarf
Bree, Middle Earth— After a go at being king of Gondor and ruling men, Aragorn decided he wasn’t cut out for a life in the limelight and returned to his wandering, vagabond ways.
Reports out of the small village of Bree place Aragorn in a Barliman’s Best-induced stupor at The Prancing Pony Inn, awkwardly flirting with female servers and letting loose with “a torrent of foul language and state secrets.”
Eyewitnesses claim hearing Aragorn say to the innkeeper who had come to try to calm him, “Blasted dwarves! Dwarves are responsible for all the wars in the history of Middle Earth. Are you a dwarf?”
After the innkeeper warned Aragorn, witnesses say the disgraced, former king became increasingly belligerent and said to him, “I own Bree! I own all of Gondor!”
After a small tussle with the innkeeper, Aragorn threw him off and allegedly said, “Don’t you know I tossed a dwarf? That’s right! I tossed that greasy, filthy, mead and beef-breath dwarf right onto the bridge at Helm’s Deep!” causing everyone in the inn to gasp in horror and shift quietly and uncomfortably in their seats. After law enforcement agents were called and Aragorn was subdued, patrons went back to their ale and tried to forget the whole debacle.
Last Friday, however, Aragorn released the following statement:
“After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I ranted about tossing a dwarf when I should not have, and was stopped by The Prancing Pony innkeeper. The innkeeper was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was apprehended, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies and dwarves involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health.”
Although Aragorn seemed deeply moved when delivering the apology, many dwarves question his sincerity. Gimli, the dwarf Aragorn purported to have tossed, reacted in horror and refused to speak with anyone about the incident.
Aragorn has checked himself in a rehab center just outside Esgaroth.
-The Editors
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Arm & Hammer Guy Dies Penniless After Bicep Is Hopelessly Typecast
New York, NY— John Dwight, co-founder of the Arm & Hammer brand and model for founder Austin Church’s picture of the hammer-wielding arm, died in 1903 without a penny to his name, despite co-founding the ultra-successful cleaning product company.
New information about the entrepreneur has recently surfaced indicating that Dwight shifted his focus from household product development to arm modeling, but because of his well-known and widely-recognized bicep, he found he was unable to attain any serious attention for anything other than his signature bicep-baring hammer grip.
While most Arm & Hammer enthusiasts know that the familiar logo is meant to represent Vulcan, the Roman god of fire, few are aware that Dwight sat as the arm model for the logo. Even fewer know that he walked away from the family fortune to pursue his dreams of arm modeling, only to have his success as the Arm & Hammer model ironically stifle any major achievements in the arm-modeling field. After he got some small-time jobs, everyone interested in hiring him wanted to use his famous arm in the familiar pose holding a descending hammer.
“It was his great disappointment,” said Arm & Hammer historian Charles Deinard. “He never was able to come to grips with the limits his previous success placed on his ability to flourish as a profession model, and thus he never learned to embrace and exploit them. He spent his final days accepting party gigs and cleaning ads that always had him holding a hammer and flexing just to pay the bills. It broke his spirit so completely that in ’03, John just gave up.”
Deinard contends that, although much mystery surrounds the exact cause of Dwight’s untimely death, Dwight more than likely overdosed purposely on a fatal alcohol-opium cocktail. Police reports from 1903 indicate that Dwight was found with a hammer in one hand and a list of modeling agencies in the other, leading many to surmise that Dwight was symbolically crushing his dreams the way his life’s one success destroyed his ability to thrive as a model.
Meanwhile, Arm & Hammer has burgeoned into a household name that comprises a whole line of household products, including toothpaste, laundry detergent, and a number of subsidiaries.
-The Editors
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*SPOILER ALERT: Do not read this article or the title if you have not read the Steinbeck classics yet.
In a little-known alternate ending of the famous novel Of Mice and Men, Steinbeck allegedly had George miss just wide of the back of Lennie’s head in the mercy killing scene before he reloads and attempts to fire again.
On the second attempt, Lennie turns to see the commotion after his rabbit utopia fantasy bursts with the click of the hammer, only to see the barrel of George’s gun pointing right at his face. George, after gritting his teeth and pulling the trigger anyway, comes to the sickening realization that his gun has jammed, and has to awkwardly drop the clip out of Carlson’s luger and clear the jammed cartridge before reloading and pointing at Lennie again. By this time, Lennie’s huge, horrified eyes realize that George has finally flipped his lid and has gone stark-raving mad, and he begins begging pathetically for his life.
When the posse arrives, however, Lennie is lying face-down in the stream just as he is in the original text.
Steinbeck, as freshly-surfaced information suggests, was dissuaded from that ending after his publisher gently suggested a more merciful end to the big oaf, resulting in the currently accepted ending of the now-classic book.
One can only conjecture how different the impact of the controversial but enduring novel would have been had Steinbeck had his way and stuck with the original ending.
-The Editors
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Swedish Farmer Formulates World’s Final Fresh Hyperbolic Chuck Norris Fact
Södertälje, Sweden— Hedvig Yrjan, a farmer just outside Södertälje, is given credit for finally exhausting the last possibility of Chuck Norris jokes.
Ever since the first exaggerated, satirical Chuck Norris facts exploded onto the Internet back in 2005, people everywhere have been trying to outdo each other with such quips as, “When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t push himself up; he pushes the world down” and “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door” and “Chuck Norris can divide by zero.”
Although Norris himself denies he himself is capable of several of these feats, many cult followers of the Walker Texas Ranger phenomenon believe it is the quintessence of Norris that makes these things possible and have continued to invent new and wildly hilarious facts and assertions about him.
For years now, Chuck Norris experts have been predicting the exhaustion of the Chuck Norris fact “well,” but nobody expected it would dry up this soon and in the place it did. Last Tuesday, at approximately 8:43 p.m. EST, Hedvig Yrjan posted what many are calling the last possible original Chuck Norris joke on his Online blog after herding his sheep.
Yrjan, who has lived until now in relative anonymity, has always enjoyed a good Norris joke and often incorporated them into his blog about life in his little farming community outside Södertälje. Even Yrjan didn’t know what he had done, however, until his front porch was filled with reporters from all around Europe and North America the following day asking him how he felt about writing the final original Norris joke.
“I feel very very surprise,” said Yrjan. “I am happy but also sad to make last joke, but I hope Chuck Norris is pleased with me.”
Yrjan claimed that after the elation settled in, life went on and his cows still needed milking. He has no plans to leave Södertälje, but he hopes to someday be able to meet the Total Gym ® spokesman and Texas hero in person.
-The Editors
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Teacher Fired For Ridiculing Ghost Student She Created Online
Bloomington, Indiana—The administration at Ross Park Middle School were not impressed with the raillery and mocking Heather Pulliam unleashed on an imaginary student she created in her Online grading system.
The grading system, which parents and students can log into to check student grades at any time, has been a beneficial tool that has received almost unanimous praise by teachers and parents who wish to stay better connected and informed—except for parents of students in Pulliam’s sixth grade language arts class.
Allegedly, Pulliam created a “ghost student,” whom she named Harold Hick, and gave his log-in information to each student to familiarize them with the process of logging onto their own accounts. Hick received grades and comments just as the rest of them did, and Pulliam began talking about him in class as though he were an actual person there with them, some students claim.
Student Justin Meesharu said, “She would stop talking and say, ‘Harold, are you getting this?’ or ‘Harold, get your finger out of your nose and pay attention.’ Usually we’d all laugh or whatever, but then she told him to stay after class, and we saw her through the window yelling at an empty seat.”
Students claim that when they’d log onto Hick’s account, they would see paragraphs of hate-filled tirades in which Pulliam would rant about Hick’s weight, his intellect, and his socio-economic status.
District officials released the following official statement regarding the issue: “We in the Greater Bloomington District officially repudiate the actions and words of Ms. Pulliam. Our official policy is and has always been that each student, real or imagined, has a right to be treated with respect, love, and nurturing, and we will not tolerate the actions of a rogue teacher intent on destroying the self confidence of cyber students, even if she invents them. Ms. Pulliam is a cyber bully, and as a result, we had no choice but to let her go this week. We hope Ms. Pulliam gets the help she needs and is able to become a functioning member of society again. We deeply regret the pain and suffering her words and actions may have caused to any actual or pseudo students.”
Pulliam is in the process of appealing the district’s decision and claimed she will sue them if they fire her. Furthermore, she places all blame for her firing on Hick.
-The Editors
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