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Special Brooding Spartan Fans Edition
Wisconsin Deemed Barren Wasteland Unfit To Support Life
Cambridge, Mass.— Scientists and professors at Harvard scratched their heads in disbelief after finding that human life is unsustainable in Wisconsin.
“We knew it was bad,” said Professor Peter W. Yantulavic, “but we never expected to find such paradoxical results.” Yantulavic said that researchers hypothesized that life in Wisconsin was the dreariest of all the states, but they still believed sustainable human existence was possible. When the ten-year study concluded this past month, researchers were shocked to learn that human life in Wisconsin is unfeasible.
When asked to explain the thousands of humans allegedly living in the state, a spokesperson for the scientists behind the study replied, “We can’t explain that at this time, but we are working on a theory involving rabid, unhealthy obsession with football teams as inoculation against the harsh, unforgiving elements. Even if people actually do live there,” he continued, “what kind of lives can they lead? How can they stand the constant stench of fresh manure wafting across the state?”
Another scientist stated, “Or it could just be a miracle.”
While scientists remain baffled at this phenomenon, they maintain that their findings are accurate, and, for all intents and purposes, no human should be able to survive for more than a few seconds when exposed to Wisconsin air.
-The Editors
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Winning Record Or Not, Lions Remain Most Pathetic Team In League History
Allen Park, Mich.— The Lions, despite a 5-0 start, have proved once again that when it comes to serious-team status, these tantrum-throwing kitty cats continue to claw their way out of contention.
As the Detroit Lions grunt and sweat and toil away in their luxurious practice facility, it is as though they are completely and blissfully unaware of just how bad they are. While they run patterns and practice plays, their shouting and fraternal rear smacking following a good catch would give any onlooker the impression that these professional ball players have actually put together a championship team at some point in the Super Bowl era.
Over the past several decades, the Lions have garnered a reputation for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory—expertly inventing cunning and Promethean methods to lose games that have been wrapped up and delivered to them. The real losers, however, are the faithful Detroit fans who come back year after year after year, believing, contrary to all information, logic, and history, that this year will be different. Promising prospects, hot draft picks, and talented rookies are no match for the black hole of horribleness that permeates the entire organization from its owner down to the bratty children, shoving refs, stomping people up and down the field, and then ramming their classic Detroit muscle into trees.
The Lions enjoy one of the finest stages in the league for their football farce. Ford Field, home of Super Bowl XL, boasts all the amenities of the best modern domes in America, minus a decent team to take the field. The only good teams Detroit fans watch at Ford Field are the ones the Lions often meet in front of national audiences who don't just want to win, you know. They want to bury Detroit. They want to humiliate them and prove to the whole world that any Detroit win was nothing but some kind of a . . . a freak the first time out. And they do.
Regardless of the years of psychological abuse the Lions have dealt the city year in and year out, the few, the faithful, the middle-aged, balding, overweight, beer hat-wearing Lions fan goons continue to pay to see their impuissant pussycats pushed, pummeled, and pilloried until they enter the long offseason yet again with nothing to show but their wounds.
-The Editors
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Experts Agree That All Dreams Die In Wisconsin
Whether it’s working on a muddy, filthy dairy farm or manning the counter at a local Pick’n Save, life in Wisconsin sucks the life out of even the most ambitious dreamers.
While nobody born in Wisconsin dreams of staying there for the rest of his or her life, few Wisconsinites muster the willpower and drive to actually leave once they are of age. Much like the frog in a pan full of hot water gradually increasing toward boiling, most don’t even realize they are becoming yet another victim to the slow, oppressively suffocating grip of life in Wisconsin until, like the frog who finds himself boiling alive without the strength to move, they succumb to the dreary, tenebrous, wretched hopelessness and buy a small farmhouse on the outskirts of town within yards of several bars and honky tonks.
No doubt these young dreamers see the futility in ever imagining they will be free of the cheese wheel shackles, and so they throw themselves rabidly behind their football teams to take their minds off the days between games spent toiling away to keep milk and yogurt flowing to America. From February to August, most Wisconsinites have little excitement in their lives and should therefore be pitied and excused for their fanatical frenzies during football season. Many of them wander around like the living dead on the off season, sometimes mistaking a neighbor’s arm for a block of cheese, and nearly always wandering absentmindedly into convenience stores to pick up little green-and-yellow knickknacks to add to their Green Bay Packers shrines.
While Packers fans seem to have something to cheer about this holiday season, the sobering fact that they must live in Wisconsin tempers that joy and brings dejection with little hope of amelioration.
-The Editors
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Madison, Wis.— Wisconsin Badger fans making the “W” sign with their hands may not fully grasp the meaning of the gesture.
With all the extra time Badger fans have on their hands when they are not milking cows or curing cheese, they have come up with some creative ways to show support for their favorite college football team. One method is by shouting or writing the inventive and unique verbal cry of encouragement, “On Wisconsin.” The inception of this phrase is believed to have come after a Badgers fan listened to the opening of the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” and, playing on the school’s colors and the color of Rudolph’s nose as well as on the word “on” in the word “Wisconsin,” substituted “Wisconsin” for one of the reindeer’s names.
Another act of support Wisconsin fans often utilize is making a “W” with their hands by touching the tips of their thumbs together and holding their index fingers out. Unfortunately, however, most Wisconsin fans who make this gesture believe they are helping the kicker know where to kick a field goal or point-after attempt.
In elementary and middle schools across America, bored students have for years folded pieces of paper into triangle “footballs” and attempted to flick them through the improvised uprights a friend formed with his fingers. Apparently, most Wisconsin fans think that the practice is an actual part of football and take their responsibilities behind the goalposts very seriously as they “guide” the kicker’s kick between the uprights.
Until recently, most football fans assumed the Badgers were just trying to make “W’s” with their fingers to support their team until a local reporter began interviewing students and fans and realized they all believed their actions were literally helping the team’s kicker.
University officials have stated that they have no plans to disillusion the fans and students and said, “If they want to believe they are helping, why should we stop them? On Wisconsin!”
Wisconsin will be going to the Rose Bowl for the second year in a row despite having a worse record than MSU. Fans hope their faithful finger formations will be the advantage their Badgers need to actually win this one.
-The Editors
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Kenosha, Wis.— Edna Collins, Packers fan for life, chooses to hold on to the Favre of the early 2000’s.
When Favre retired from the NFL the first time, family members say Collins was devastated. “She acted as though she had lost a husband or son,” said her daughter, Amy Pike. “She drew the shades in her house and refused to go out for over a week. Then one day, she all the sudden came out and acted as if nothing were wrong.”
Pike, although initially encouraged by Collins’ about-face, soon discovered that her mother had simply denied reality and had begun talking and acting as if Favre were still taking the snap in Green Bay. “She sat there and watched Wrangler jeans commercials all day Saturday, then she’d watch the football games on Sunday and cheer for Favre as though he were still on the team. I think in her mind she actually saw a number four on Rodgers’ jersey, and she would scream, ‘Come on, Brett!’ every time Rodgers was about to throw.”
Pike described some flustering bouts of confusion and frustration when the Packers played the Vikings in ’09 and Collins would alternately cheer for each team before screaming something unintelligible about Real. Comfortable. Jeans. Allegedly, Collins now believes that Favre led the Packers to the 2011 Super Bowl and is undefeated in the current season.
Collins sleeps in a room adorned with a life-size Brett Favre poster in addition to the customary Green Bay Packers shrine she has built up in her sewing room.
-The Editors
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Wisconsinites Associate Smell Of Manure, Farm Animals, And Two Other Things With Green Bay Packers
La Crosse, Wis.— From the cradle to the grave, all good Wisconsinites enjoy the same rabid obsession with the Green Bay Packers.
If one were to take a quick trip to a Wisconsin neighborhood Kwik Trip, he would see a minimum of four Packers shirts or trucker hats. La Crosse resident Albert Soronsen stated while filling up his pickup, “I love the Packers. When I smell gasoline, I think about the Packers because I always have to get a tank before I go up to see a game.” Soronsen went on to claim that he also associated the smells of fertilizer, cheese, and apple pie with the Packers.
Soronsen, like most other Wisconsinites, spends most spare minutes thinking and talking about the Packers and uses most of his spare money to invest in more items for his Packers shrine. “I don’t really miss Favre too much,” Soronsen offered without prompting. “I mean, he was good, maybe one of the best, but this kid is fun to watch, plus they are winning Super Bowls, so, you know.”
TSR reporters, after spending a depressing week of information gathering in the dairy state, walked away from the interview while Soronsen was still pontificating about the Packers and left the state with hopes of no further special editions involving Wisconsin.
-The Editors
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