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Student's Schoolyard Songs Receive Dismal Reception From Faculty At Holiday Talent Show
Jefferson City, Missouri— Ethan Nelson’s renditions of puerile playground parodies landed him in some hot water at his local elementary school.
Every year, Thomas Jefferson Elementary School holds its annual holiday talent show in its auditorium. Students are encouraged to showcase their various talents and abilities in a venue where they will be encouraged and applauded.
“Most students will sing popular songs, perform karate or magic routines, or similar type acts in what we like to call “The Disparagement-Free Zone,” said Principal Suzanne Aikens, but this time Aikens found herself torn between committing the ultimate breech of etiquette by cutting short Nelson’s soulful crooning or allowing his inappropriate singing to go unchecked.
Student Breanna Hanely said, “I thought Ethan was really funny. We knew the songs and started singing along.”
Hanely went on to identify the songs Nelson sang as the popular holiday parodies, “Joy to the World, Our Teacher’s Dead” and “Deck the Halls with Gasoline.”
Nelson stated, “I was really excited to be able to sing these songs, but when I looked at the teachers, they were all giving me dirty looks, especially when I got to the part about barbequing her head and watching the school burn to ashes—and that really hurt.” Nelson claimed that this was his first time participating in the talent show, but that if he was to expect such a cold reception, it very well may be his last.
Although Nelson’s songs enjoyed almost unanimous approval among the student body, one student, Leslie Peterson, did take issue with his choice of lyrics. “When he sang ‘Deck the Halls,’ he said ‘Strike a match and don’t be seen.’ It’s actually ‘Strike a match and watch it gleam,’” said Peterson snootily.
Nelson however, stands by his lyrics and stated adamantly, “Regardless of which is the original lyric, I purposely chose ‘Don’t be seen’ because I think it suggests the surreptitiousness associated with the act. No one intent on burning his school down,” Nelson stated knowingly,
“would stop to watch a match gleam. I’ve heard that version, and I think it’s stupid. They would, though, try not to be seen.”
Aikens stated that, while the faculty certainly wanted to cultivate and encourage talent, there comes a point where the “performance itself can be disparaging.”
-The Editors
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Young Dreamer Disillusioned To X-Ray Vision
St. Paul, Minn.— Clark Henderson dejectedly realized that X-Ray vision would be a wasted wish.
Henderson, like many pubescent boys his age, often wonders what the greatest superpowers would be in case he is ever accosted by someone or something capable of granting him one. Henderson was able to narrow his choices down to either flying or X-Ray vision, and was, until his recent epiphany, leaning toward the latter.
“I always thought,” said a disconsolate Henderson, “That I would be of the most use to society if I were able to look inside bags and trunks and other things where people might smuggle explosives or drugs. I mean, flying would be my first choice, but it would be a selfish one because it is more to amuse myself. X-Ray vision could actually save lives.”
Henderson then explained how he came to realize that his dream was an otiose and inefficacious exercise in futility: “It was when I saw an ad for a safe that it dawned on me. We had just been learning in school about how there can be no color without light, and I wondered about what the inside of a closed safe would look like. Then it hit me like Captain Janeway’s proton phaser that if I were inside the safe, I would see nothing, so what good would it be to see into the inside? All I would see is blackness because no light would be entering. Then all my dreams began collapsing like dominos. I could see inside a closed briefcase, but without any light inside, I’d see nothing but darkness. I could look under the jacket of someone suspected of having a bomb, but all I’d see is darkness unless the jacket was thin enough to allow light through. It was a sickening realization, and, quite frankly, it was devastating. All that stuff on Superman was just Hollywood nonsense, and they shouldn’t get away with it.”
Henderson has not had enough time yet to process all the implications of this discovery, but he said he has begun leaning back toward flying as his number one choice of superpowers.
-The Editors
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Woman Finally Learns Word Pique, Pleads With English Teacher Husband To Teach His Students
Aberdeen, South Dakota— After a lifetime of misspelling pique, Dana Jakonovic begs her husband to teach the next generation the truth.
Jakonovic and her husband Tom were lying in bed watching TV last week when Tom pointed out that a retro TV network ad misspelled the word pique in the phrase “peaked his interest.” Tom, with his acute and ever vigilant grammatical error-spotting eye, immediately spotted the gaffe and excitedly pointed it out to his wife in disbelief.
Tom stated, “I said, ‘Look! They misspelled pique!’ and she looked up as if she didn’t see it. I said, ‘They spelled it P-E-A-K-E-D!’ and when she still didn’t register the horror I felt was warranted by the egregiousness of the solecism, I explained to her that the correct spelling is P-I-Q-U-E-D in that context. I explained how most people think it means peak, as in the peak or climax of a mountain—i.e. their interest was brought to its highest point, but that is simply a malapropism for piqued. At that point she told me she had never heard of the word pique before, and she, who always prides herself in her knowledge and recall of grammar from her prep school on the rich side of town, said, ‘Tom, you must tell the students about this word! Teach them, Tom; teach them so they never have to endure the humiliation I just did. Teach them, Tom, for the love of all that is right and grammatically correct in this world, TEACH THEM.’ She then began sobbing quietly and resignedly until she fell into a fitful sleep.”
Tom alleged that on the following Monday he did weave the word pique and its correct spelling and usage into the lessons in all his classes. He stated that he was surprised how few students had previous knowledge of the word, but he was determined to ensure that the students from this little school on the wrong side of the tracks had one nugget of truth that the rich kids didn’t—a proper understanding of the word pique.
-The Editors
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Teacher Successfully Attempts “Trump Week”
Ferndale, Mich.— Steve Simmons perfectly executed a full week of unbroken Trump ties to the amazement of his students and community.
Simmons, a snappy and natty dresser, has, in the past several years, added several Donald Trump Collection ties to his wardrobe. “I like them because I know they will always be classy,” said Simmons. “They have great designs that stand out and match classic colors in a bold way. Sometimes when I am teaching, I will stop midsentence and say, to no one in particular, ‘What’s that?’ and grab my tie and flip it over and say, ‘Yeah, it’s a Trump.’ You know, the kids really get a kick out of that, and I try to wear at least one of my Trumps per week, but then a student suggested I wear one every day for a week. We’d always talk about it, and a couple times I set out to do it but wasn’t able to complete an entire week.”
Last week, however, Simmons made history when he became the first teacher in county history to successfully go an entire week wearing only Trump Collection ties. “I was elated. It was just so surreal,” said a euphoric Simmons. “I started by wearing one to church on Sunday, then all the way through Friday I wore only Trumps. It was spectacular, and the funny thing is, I didn’t even realize I had exactly six Trumps! The kids were so excited, and I was happy that they were able to share it with me; they have been so supportive. They deserved it, and I am dedicating this week to them.”
Simmons has become somewhat of a local celebrity, and school officials are pushing Simmons to become an official paid spokesperson for the Trump Collection. Donald Trump was not available for comment, but an official from the Trump brand stated that he knew of no plans to hire or otherwise compensate Simmons for his efforts.
-The Editors
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Wife Accuses Husband Of Having The “Face That Munched A Thousand Chips”
Morgantown, WV— Trailer dweller Charles Beaumont appreciates the clever allusions and creative fecundity his wife employs in her insults.
Beaumont was watching the Mountaineers when his wife went into another of her “half-deranged tirades” about his worthlessness and laziness.
“She derides me and nags me with the best of them,” said a chuckling Beaumont, “but she does so with pizzazz and surprising lucidity. Many of her insults are rich in allusion and literary depth. For example, the other day while I was watching football, she looked at me from the kitchen and said, ‘There’s the face that munched a thousand chips!’ I was amused, to say the least. Then she continued deriding me by asking if I would be switching my allegiance to the Trojans or if I would just sit there doing nothing until everyone around me goes crazy. I thought about suggesting that that process may have already begun, but I thought better of it and ate a few more chips. She sure is cheeky.”
The Beaumonts have been married for thirty-two years and are both avid bowlers who rarely miss a Nascar race. While Beaumont admits he does occasionally indulge in potato chips while reclining before the “flickering Molech,” he claims that he would be hard pressed to put an exact number on how many chips he has consumed. Moreover, he believes his wife was speaking hyperbolically when she alleged he had eaten a thousand chips.
-The Editors
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Teacher Follows Through With Threat To Severely Threaten Students
Lancaster, Penn.— Students of William P. Moncilino will never doubt one of his threats again after his swift execution of his threat to severely threaten them.
The threat came shortly after Moncilino began his fifth hour biology class at George Reynolds High School when several of the girls were talking and laughing back and forth to each other as Moncilino collected homework.
“I said to the young ladies,” said Moncilino, “‘No talking please, or you will be severely threatened,’ to which one of those snotty-nosed freshmen said with impertinent impudence, ‘How can you severely threaten us?’ to which I replied, ‘I just did.’ She looked confused, crinkled up her nose, and looked to her friends for support, but none of them had anything to say because they were having a hard time following the logic. It was the equivalent of sending a dog chasing a slab of meat that is hanging in front of his face from a stick attached to his back. Normally these girls can argue without fatiguing for a surprising amount of time holding onto the barest shreds of reason, if any at all, but this time the logic was just too incomprehensibly luculent for them to wrap their minds around. She said, ‘Are you threatening me?’ and I replied that yes, I was threatening them. I think their minds froze up and they had to reboot, so to speak. It did give me an enjoyably quiet and distraction-free hour as they brooded over the comment and tried to figure out what they were angry about and how they would use it to bring me down in the ever-impending, imaginary lawsuit they always harangue me with.”
Principal Matthew G. Hullender said, “[Moncilino] is a great teacher, but sometimes I think he can be a little more cynical than the situations warrant. Those girls can be exasperating though.”
The girls, finally deciding that they did not feel threatened by the threat, purposed to ignore any further threats of threats and continue talking until the threats yielded more than threats to severely threaten with threats.
-The Editors
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