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Special Animal Lovers' Edition
“Big Leather” Laments Decline In Corporal Punishment
After years of the media’s poo-pooing the practicing of paddling, the sale of thick leather belts has plummeted, causing many in the leather business to wonder if our society may have been a bit rash in its decision to blindly follow the teachings of Dr. Spock.
“Ever since the eighties,” said Leather Unlimited spokesperson Frances Von Welch, “thick leather belts haven’t been an automatic sell to American patriarchs. Nowadays when a child misbehaves, the father’s instinctual reaching toward the belt clasp probably wouldn’t even be comprehended as a threat by the errant child.”
Von Welch went on to bewail the departure from “the days the thick leather belts were flying off the shelves like hotcakes when a parent had but to tap his belt to strike fear into the hearts of degenerate offspring.”
The secret, according to Von Welch, to large leather belt sales in America during the corporal punishment hay day was the constant beatings the belts endured and the regular erosion that resulted from the leather striking the resilient rear ends of reprobate rascals. “Anyone born before 1990” Von Welch continued, “can remember the fear they felt when a parent entered the room, whipped off his belt, folded it over, and began popping the two halves together to intimidate [the child].”
All those beatings and belt-popping noises naturally took their toll on the leather, causing the conscientious parent who was committed to discipline to return to Sears Roebuck & Co. over and over to pick up new genuine leather belts. “It was a different time in America,” said Von Welch. “A happier time. But between the decline in whippings and the rise in faux leathers, the [leather] industry is struggling to stay afloat.”
Von Welch declined to comment about possible government bailouts for the leather industry saying, “Hopefully it won’t come to that. Hopefully America turns back to its roots and we can help them whip—so to speak—things back into shape.”
-The Editors
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PETA Activist Electrocuted After Throwing Red Paint Onto Bug Light
Council Bluffs, Iowa— Family members mourn the loss of Todd Fletcher after his rabid devotion to protecting all creatures non-human led to his untimely demise.
Neighbors claim to have found Fletcher Tuesday morning lying defunct, charred, and “slightly smoking.” Fletcher’s burnt fingers were still clutching the can of red Glidden paint that he had apparently thrown onto a neighbor’s bug light in the early hours of Tuesday morning.
“I lost power at about 2:00 a.m.,” said Paul Morrison, the owner of the bug lamp, “but I didn’t think much about it because the wind had been blowing all night. Then when I got up that morning, I opened the patio door to let the dog out and saw [Fletcher] lying there covered in red paint and smoking a little. I had no idea what had happened, but I remembered him dropping hints about the bug light—tell the truth, I thought he’d been joking—but turns out he had a bleeding heart for those mosquitoes and flies. I know he was a member of PETA, and I guess he was trying to send me a message about the deaths I was causing, but it turns out I got about the most jarring message a person can get in his bathrobe at 7 a.m.”
Police are ruling the death an accident, and Morrison said he will not be pressing charges against the Fletcher estate for Fletcher’s trespassing, but he did express disappointment that his bug light has been rendered inoperable. “I guess I can live with that,” said Morrison, “since it cost Todd his life.”
On the upside, Morrison was able to salvage over a pint of the paint which he plans to use on his garage.
-The Editors
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PETA Rep Claims PETA Does Not Really Stand For “People Eating Tasty Animals”
Hampton Roads, Virginia— PETA spokesperson Jeff Reid has spoken out against rumors that PETA actually means “People Eating Tasty Animals.”
Rumors surfaced when Michigander Karl Korwinski reported having seen a bumper sticker advertising the slogan while traveling north on I-75 toward Clarkston.
“The sticker said ‘PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals,’” said a vehement Korwinski. “I know what I saw. Then I remember thinking, that’s not right—I thought PETA was all about saving the baby seals and whatnot, and immediately red flags began going off in my head. I tried to get the license plate number, but he pulled away in traffic.”
Soon after the alleged incident, local Clarkston news affiliate KQRP picked up the story which quickly went viral Online. After several days, PETA spokesperson Jeff Reid released the following statement: “PETA has always and only ever stood for ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Most PETA members are vegetarians, and we certainly believe that a lifestyle glorifying the slaughter of our innocent friends is reprehensible. If Mr. Korwinski did indeed see such a message, he and all others reading it need to understand that it is fraudulent and is in no way affiliated with our organization, nor does it reflect our message or mission.”
Korwinski, however, remains skeptical, provocatively and incontrovertibly pointing out that if what Reid claimed is true, PETA would actually be called PFTETOA.
-The Editors
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PETA Speaks Out Against Native Americans For Their Part In Annual Turkey Massacre
Hampton Roads, Virginia— In a paradox of political correctness, PETA officials have strongly condemned Native Americans for the part they played in helping to begin the tradition that led to the slaughter of billions of turkeys over the course of American history.
As most of America gears up to fill their dinner tables with dazzling feasts of biblical proportions in just a few weeks to celebrate the blessings early settlers received that first Thanksgiving, a shadow has fallen over the tradition as PETA cries “fowl” by running a campaign to liken the gentle inquisitiveness of turkeys to that of domesticated dogs on billboards aimed at youths.
The billboards are just one phase of the general blitz, and PETA officials have officially condemned the Native Americans who, many say, were pivotal in the celebration that led to “the uninhibited mass murdering of millions of gentle creatures each year.”
While it is generally unpopular to disparage Native Americans in this new millennium, PETA officials are remaining true to their bedrock principles that soulless beasts should always take precedence over creatures created in the image of God, even when those creatures are setting aside a day specifically to thank their God.
“Those Indians should have known better,” said Warren Bixley, PETA writer and representative. “They knew what the Europeans were capable of, and they still played a part in the animal slaughter that still haunts us today. As far as I’m concerned—ah never mind.”
PETA officials plan to run a commercial this holiday season that involves a Thanksgiving turkey named Iron Wattle Cody standing atop a slaughterhouse with a single tear running down its cheek.
-The Editors
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Menomonie, Wis.— Nobody quite knew what to do last Sunday after a newcomer broke into loud clapping following a solo at First Baptist Church.
Eyewitnesses described the scene as horrific, shocking, startling, and unwarrantable. In the quiet city of Menomonie, most parishioners at First Baptist are content to voice an “Amen” or “Praise the Lord” after a special number so as to give the glory to the Lord and not the singer. “We believe the focus should be on the One being worshipped, not on the talent of the worshipper,” said Pastor Calvin Douglas. “Traditionally we have not applauded those giving special numbers for that reason, although we certainly don’t take issue with churches that do.”
The time-honored and placid serenity was shattered last Sunday, however, when members say a visiting family member of the one singing a solo “immediately broke into loud clapping when [the soloist] finished her last note.”
Other members described the clapping as “strident,” claiming the sounds “were like staccato explosions that went right down to the bone.”
Said member Kim Reeves, “I nearly jumped out of my seat, and just when I thought he was done, he doubled down with more furious and determined applauding as though to make up for the stunned silence and lack of clapping from the rest of us. At first I felt embarrassed for him because I figured he didn’t know, and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable, but the lack of clapping accompaniment seemed only to encourage him.”
After the soloist made her way to her seat, members allege that Pastor Douglas assumed the podium and immediately launched into his sermon “as though nothing had happened whatsoever.”
The alleged applauder thus far remains anonymous, but deacons say that, should he repeat his performance, they may have to inform the gentleman of the church’s tradition in order to “help maintain the decorum of the worship service.”
-The Editors
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High School Freshman Relentlessly Pursues Title Of Most Obnoxious
Gary, Ind.— Franklin Davis, a focused freshman at East Side Leadership Academy, is driving his teachers and fellow classmates to distraction with his antics.
Throughout most of his schooling, Davis has garnered most of his attention by class clowning and acting obnoxious. Most people in the school are aware of him when he walks down the hall because he runs up to the people who want to deal with him the least and hugs them, laying his head on their chests and forcing them to push him away, sometimes requiring large amounts of physical force.
Davis, an impish and gangly boy, ambling awkwardly into situations in which he is often unwelcome, has been described by exasperated teachers with an inexhaustible number of creative adjectives like “incorrigible,” “obnoxious,” “irremediable,” “brackish,” “relentless,” “unremitting,” “pertinacious,” and “dogged,” to name a few.
The questions Davis asks are rarely serious until he sees that he has pushed a student or teacher just over the line, at which point Davis will suddenly sober up and try to diffuse or deflect by asking some serious question to throw the teacher off his tracks. Sometimes Davis has even been known to deliver preemptory apologies to a teacher who Davis senses is going to punish him.
Davis has had an on-again-off-again romance with a sophomore named Veronica King who seems to be able to tolerate him for spurts before needing a break from him. Friends of King wonder how she can endure him at all, but perhaps he is one who best proves that maybe there is indeed someone out there for everyone.
-The Editors
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