Embedded Files
Lost City Of Atlantis Discovered, Rezoned For Commercial Development
Greece— Archeologists have confirmed the location of Atlantis in the Aegean Sea just off the coast of Santorini Island and plan to turn the entire submerged island into a retirement resort paradise.
After the historical discovery, researchers learned that the Atlantans, who once ruled much of Europe and were sophisticated beyond their time, knew of their impending doom and took steps to preserve their city for future generations by constructing a giant glass dome over the island before the island sank.
When the island finally did sink, the Atlantans had already adjusted to life in the dome and were figuring out ways to create fresh oxygen to keep their underwater city thriving as it has been for the past five thousand years.
Despite many people who hoped to see the ancient civilization studied and left alone so that it might continue to flourish in its miraculous habitation that has eradicated crime, poverty, and disease, commercial developers bought the land from the financially struggling Greek government and have slated most of it to be razed within the month to build senior high rises, malls, restaurants, casinos, hotels, and golf courses.
“The Atlantans are welcome to move, and they will be compensated for their land at a very fair rate,” said developer Baxter McCaslin. “The inhabitants have lived there for a long time and really have little to show for it. Most of them were snobs anyway, and many Greeks are eager to turn the newly discovered real estate into profitable space that stimulates the Greek economy.”
Many of the Atlantans seem reluctant to move, although some have shown sense enough to begin assimilating into modern culture before the bulldozers arrive in the unspoiled utopia.
-The Editors
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President Obama: “No More Tributes Will Die On My Watch”
Washington, DC— President Obama, upon hearing his fourteen-year-old Malia’s harrowing reckoning of her latest trip to the movie house, has issued an executive order calling for the “immediate cessation of sending youths to fight to the death for the entertainment of the elite.”
The order, which has touched off a firestorm of controversy among political pundits from both sides of the aisle, has stopped any plans to harvest and exploit tributes from any district in the immediate future pending a review of the Constitutionality of the order by the Supreme Court.
Opponents of the order are calling the order “unnecessary,” alleging that “no such practice has ever occurred in real life” and accusing the President of making a hasty decision without checking on all facts and data.
Key Democrats have lauded the President’s decision, stating that it is “about time America got serious about the threat of nationally televised child-slaughtering games,” claiming that the President showed “immense foresight and courage” in his “seemingly preemptive order.”
The President, suffering significantly from recent polls suggesting that 40% of Americans “strongly disapprove” of the President’s performance while only 27% “strongly approve,” could use a decisive victory to bolster his ratings as he enters the upcoming election season.
-The Editors
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Newspaper Alerts Readers To Existence Of News
Mount Clemens, Mich.— The Macomb Daily, Michigan’s premier daily newspaper, has dutifully alerted its readers that compelling, hard-hitting news exists, should anyone care to go find it.
In a break from The Macomb Daily norm, the editors interrupted their steady stream of typos and unsubstantiated rumors to alert readers that important political news is transpiring. Readers, who generally bypass the news section of the paper in favor of the coupons and celebrity gossip, were shocked at such a claim. Some even voiced a faint desire to go on the Internet and find out what that news is, but most, when faced with the decision to act, chose the same path of laziness that explains why most still haven’t canceled their subscriptions.
Chief Editor Tom Mulindi stated, “Concerning the reason we decided to alert readers to the existence of news: there is a very good reason we did so.”
The Macomb Daily enjoyed a marginal bump in subscriptions after The Detroit News and Free Press announced they would be cutting back their daily delivery to just several times a week but have done absolutely nothing different to capitalize on their accidental fortune.
-The Editors
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Vonnegut’s Body Reanimated For Tralfamadore Zoo
Indianapolis, Ind.— The remains of Indianapolis’ native son were revisited for a groundbreaking process of cellular reanimation, a technology new to Earth but practiced on the planet Tralfamadore for millennia.
Vonnegut, the dark satirist and humanistic author of many novels including Slaughterhouse Five and Cat’s Cradle, was buried in Indianapolis’ Crown Hill Cemetery after an accidental fall in Manhattan in 2007. Vonnegut’s family placed him at rest with no inkling that only five short years later representatives from the planet made famous in their patriarch’s novels would come inquiring of his body for reanimation.
“When weighing the options of allowing him to rest in peace or turning him over to the alien zoo to be studied, gawked at, and admired as a singularity, the answer seemed obvious,” said the family member acting as spokesman for Vonnegut’s legacy, describing the reasoning behind turning the body over. “Plus the only other option was complete annihilation of the human race. We think [Vonnegut] would have wanted it this way.”
Vonnegut’s body is currently in Tralfamadore possession and slated for reanimation next Thursday. While reanimation gives movement and simulation to the body, Tralfamadore scientists are adamant that reanimation “is not actual life” and that Vonnegut will be a moving, breathing shell but will have no consciousness as we understand it.
Although Tralfamadorians extended a blanket invitation for earthlings to visit the Tralfamadore Zoo to see their beloved late author, few Earthlings plan to take them up on the invitation due to constraints in Earthling space travel technology.
-The Editors
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Bathroom Floor Tiles’ Warning Of Imminent World Doom At Slight Variance With Mayan Projection
Topeka, Kansas— Experts are scratching their heads wondering if they should continue to propagate panic over the purported paroxysm in December of this year or if they should turn their attention to the tenebrific tiles in a South Topeka truck stop off I-470.
The tiles, which allegedly create a cryptic mosaic announcing the imminent demise of the world in February of 2013, were discovered by a truck stop janitor who said that he suddenly saw the tiles as a single picture of many individual messages and symbols that incontrovertibly spelled out the world’s doom.
Scientists and historians have begun the arduous process of studying the various patterns in the tile to verify the janitor’s story, but celebrities and key political and media personalities have gone on record lending their support to the veracity of the prophecy, giving the green light to people eager and ready to begin panicking and burying school buses.
“I already have an old-fashioned, claw-footed bathtub full of bottled water and non-perishables,” said apocalypse enthusiast Janet Colley of Muscatine, Iowa. “Henry is stockpiling rifles and ammunition, and we are ready for the roving bands of merciless scavengers who kill without remorse.”
The Colleys admit that they plan to have their end-of-the-world supplies ready for December “just in case,” but that they really expect things to get hairy in February.
-The Editors
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Monrovia, Indiana— Heather Pulliam is at it again, and this time she’s moved on to actual students, inventing new and ingenious ways to belittle them.
One student in particular, Nate Mulroy, whom other students describe as “reserved, kind hearted, hard working, and genial,” has attracted the full attention of her aping.
Just over three weeks ago, Pulliam was fired from her former teaching gig in Bloomington for mocking a ghost student she created Online but was almost immediately picked up by the Monroe-Gregg district to fill a hole in a freshman composition class after its teacher took maternity leave.
“It’s almost as if Miss Pulliam immediately zeroed in on Nate,” said a classmate who didn’t wish to give her name. “Every day she would come up with names for him. At first they were funny and harmless, but then she started to get vindictive and hateful.”
Students say she invented a new term for her mocking of Mulroy called “lampunnery” because she lampooned him using puns with his name. In one such “lampun” she asked the class what Nate did when he fell asleep on the Internet. When they were at a loss, she informed them he would “cybernate”—a play on “hibernate” and Mulroy’s name—in a deep state of sleep because nobody on the whole Internet liked him.
While some students laughed nervously, most wondered what elicited such a disparaging attack on a kid that most everyone likes.
District Superintendant Scott Hodgson stated, “We deeply regret the emotional harm that Ms. Pulliam may have caused any students. We had hoped giving her a second chance would encourage her maturity and professional behavior, but we now, obviously, regret having hired her and are taking steps to replace her.”
Enraged parents, however, believe the problem was one that never should have been in the first place and that administrators hired Pulliam because they needed to fill the position and didn’t want to go through the process of finding someone qualified.
To those parents, Pulliam replied, “What do you call a slimy, deceitful politician with no morals or scruples? A Natesman.”
Other lampuns include “hesi-nate” “Nate-glass window,” “Nate and Nate Plus Nate,” “Nate & eggs,” “abomi-Nate,” “accele-Nate,” “companio-Nate,” “concili-Nate,” “intoxi-Nate-ed,” “investi-Nate,” “penulti-Nate,” “phosphoglycer-Nate,” “supersatur-Nate,” “Vacci-Nate,” and “eviscer-Nate,” but students insist an exhaustive list is probably impossible.
Mulroy, when questioned about the unwanted attention, shrugged and obvi-Nate-d—er—obviated the question.
-The Editors
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