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Charlie Sheen, actor, comedian, and family man, has announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential ticket in 2012.
Sheen’s official statement began, “I guess I just heard one too many people telling me, ‘Hey, Sheen, why don’t you run?’ and I thought, yeah, why not?” The statement went on for another twenty-seven pages of incoherent rambling with the occasional mentioning of “Seven-gram rocks” and “Tiger blood.”
While Tea Party members remain skeptical, the Republican Party as a whole seems to have embraced the candidacy wholeheartedly. Speaker of the House John Boehner released the following statement: “I think Mr. Sheen would make an excellent President. He clearly brings the articulate confidence a President would need, his dad made a great President, and he, like the current President, smokes.” Boehner went on to point out the fact that Sheen has never once in Congress voted against the Second Amendment or immigration reform, nor has he voted for any bills promoting abortion, gun control, or environmental whackos.
Sheen is currently the frontrunner of Republican hopefuls.
-The Editors
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Lennie Enjoys Holding Soft, Fuzzy Things
Much to George’s irritation, Lennie has developed a propensity to hold and caress soft, fuzzy things like mice and ladies' hair.
George stated, “Nothing soft and cuddly is safe around that dumb buffoon.” George’s irritation at his fellow traveler and close companion’s habit had been steadily waxing until it burgeoned into a huge rift that threatened to tear apart their sometimes-strenuous comradeship. George admits to having berated Lennie for hours, going off on hour-long, “half deranged,” obscenity-laced tirades about Lennie’s malfunctions.
Lennie fears this latest fissure in their already-strained relationship could effect a waning in George’s regaling him with stories about the rabbits.
Lennie and George are currently between jobs and trying to avoid any soft, fuzzy temptations.
-The Editors
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Every Car In Warren To Drive Down Wagner As Local Woman Tries To Back Out Of Driveway.
As local shopper and mother of three Linda Maczyski prepares to get the kids all packed up and cart them off to her mother’s for the afternoon, every other driver in Warren plans to drive down her street simultaneously.
Maczyski suspected that they had conspired to attempt this before, but this time they are organized, mobilized, and ready to go. The phenomenon of all these cars driving down her street only, allegedly, when she wants to back out, has baffled and amazed her for some time.
“Yeah,” said Maczyski, “I would be pulling out of the driveway, and no one would be coming. Then, BAM! All of a sudden, it seemed like every single car in Warren decides that they need to drive down Wagner at the same time. And just when I think I can go, another car comes around the bend, and I am stuck there with three screaming kids in the van. There have been times when twenty minutes went by, and I hadn’t even left my driveway yet! I swear they do it on purpose sometimes. I mean, it’s not like I live on some main thoroughfare or something.”
Little does Maczyski know that this time the good citizens of Warren really are planning to do it “on purpose.”
Although Mayor Fouts could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson for the “Warren Wagner Cruise” as it is being dubbed, stated, “It just seemed like something funny and attainable that we could do as a community, and the more it got around, the more people got on board with it. I see this as a positive thing for our city in a time of political upheaval and economic turmoil. This could be the perfect thing to give us all a feeling of camaraderie and accomplishment. I just wouldn’t want to be in [Maczyski’s] shoes!” The spokesman then began laughing and braying at the thought.
The cruise is scheduled for the next time Maczyski plans to go anywhere.
-The Editors
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Louis Sings “Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam” At Grandma’s
During a Sunday afternoon birthday party at Grandma and Grandpa Taylor’s condo, Michael “Louis” (pronounced either Lewey or Lewis) Taylor broke out into focused, uninhibited singing.
While the cousins were playing bowling in the hallway with Grandma’s plastic bowling set, as is their custom, Taylor, still wearing his Sunday best and side-spiked hair, spontaneously broke out into light, angelic, if somewhat raw and prepubescent, melody to nobody in particular, singing out “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam.”
While no one knows for sure what brought on this sudden Sunday serenading, some cousins conjecture that he had just sung it in Sunday School, and that it was “stuck in his head.” Whether that was the true reason or not, all standing within earshot agree, Louis sure can sing.
-The Editors
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Local Man Finally Gets To That Saturday Afternoon Project
Suburban homeowner Charles “Chuck” McLaughlin proudly displayed his handiwork this Saturday evening after finally having accomplished what “The Wife” had been riding him about for months now.
McLaughlin stood with an unflappable grin on his face as he explained the intricacies of first cutting off the large branches of the overgrown picker bushes, and then digging out the roots and laying them out on the curb for Monday morning haul away. McLaughlin remains confident that his neighbors will not complain about their [the bushes] being on the curb a full 24 hours too early since most neighbors have been dropping casual hints to him for over a year now that the bushes were an eyesore.
Said McLaughlin, “Yeah, I think the wife has been in cahoots with them neighbors about those bushes. I said, ‘Yeah yeah, I’ll get to ‘em when I get to ‘em,’ but nothing’s ever good enough for that woman. She nags and nags until all I can do is put a pillow over my head and turn up the TV. Eventually, though, I just got so sick of her blasted cranking that I told myself one Saturday morning, why not? Then once I started, I says, this ain’t so bad. And here I am.”
Cindy McLaughlin, McLaughlin’s wife, said, “Oh yeah, I been after him for over a year about those bushes. All he knows how to do though is procrastinate. ‘Oh Cindy [in a high, inflected voice, mocking] I’ll get to them soon, I just can’t today.’ An’ so on an’ so on. And this went on for most the summer, mind you. Well when I come home from the grocer and see him with his grimy clothes on, yanking at those bushes, I about had a coronary. But I’m glad it’s over. For a year now we been the biggest eyesore on the block.”
McLaughlin, after exulting in his accomplishment, stated that he wasn’t sure what project he’d tackle next, but he thought he’d take some much-earned time to rest, and “enjoy the view.”
-The Editors
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Credit Rating Co. Removes Customary Smiley Face Sticker From Report
In the S&P’s recent downgrade of the US credit rating, one slight that seems to be spooking Wall Street traders the most is the fact that with the report, Standard & Poor's withheld the customary smiley face sticker they usually affixed to the top page next to the Triple A+.
Economists sat in shocked and stunned confusion when they received the report sans sticker. “This is by far the biggest blow to our economy yet," said one economist. "In a time of uncertainty and stock market turmoil, now is not the time to throw salt in the wound. It was bad enough to be downgraded after Congress had worked so hard to come to a compromise, but then to not get the smiley face? It’s almost too much to bear.”
Sentiments seemed about as dismal everywhere as news of the absent sticker sent shockwaves throughout the stock market over the past several days.
A spokesperson from S&P announced today that they didn’t feel the US had earned the sticker, and therefore they (S&P) weren’t obligated to include it. He went on to state, “If the US wants a sticker, they can work a little harder so that they don’t get themselves into this sort of bind next time.”
The S&P remain firm in their decision and have thus far resisted anxious pleas from US politicians and economists alike to reconsider their decision that many are calling “cold,” “calculated,” and even “virulent.”
-The Editors
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