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“No Fat Chicks” Bumper Sticker Creates Several Awkward Moments During Blind Date
Moline, Ill.— Paul Suttell never thought twice about his tongue-in-cheek “no fat chicks” bumper sticker until he found himself on a blind date with a plus-size beauty.
Suttel, who has proudly and whimsically displayed the bumper sticker on his white ‘96 Honda since his junior year of high school, is now a senior attending community college in Moline. Friends set the two up on a blind date citing similar interests and assuring Suttell that she was a model, but after Suttell drove to Rebecca Harrow’s apartment to pick her up, he realized upon meeting her that the young woman was a big & beautiful model of plus-size clothing.
“I thought she was very attractive, and, to tell the truth,” said Suttell, “I would rather have a date her size than rail-thin. Not only that, but she was smart and funny and completely self confident. I really enjoyed our date and can see myself going on a second, although I never saw myself dating a, uh, larger woman.”
Suttell went on to say that he was a little embarrassed about his bumper sticker and tried to avoid walking her past the rear of his car in hopes that she wouldn’t see the bumper sticker and be offended. “I am going to scrape it off with a razor before I take her out again,” said Suttell. “I don’t want her to feel bad about herself just because she’s big.”
Harrow claimed she saw the bumper sticker but took no offense. “What really didn’t sit well with me was how hard he kept trying to lead me around the front of the car hoping I wouldn’t see the sticker. I would have laughed at the sticker—I really do have a good sense of humor about those kinds of things—had he not reacted so nervously about it. Clearly his discomfort about the bumper sticker said more about how he perceived me than anything he could have said. What I think he fails to realize is that I have broken up with guys far more successful and better looking than him and that he was doing me no favors by taking me out, regardless of my size, which, by the way, I am actually quite proud of.”
Harrow said she doubted she would go on a second date with Suttell and said she “wouldn’t be surprised if he tried scraping [the bumper sticker] off with a razor” before asking her out again.
-The Editors
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Italian Community Left Reeling After Twenty-Eight-Year-Old Boy Runs Away From Home
Chesterfield Township, Mich.— It was the nightmare every Italian mother dreads when fifty-two-year-old Giachetta Terracini found her son Giuseppe “Peppino” Terracini missing from the room in which he had spent only twenty-eight formative years.
Neighbors and family members say Terracini has been inconsolable since Peppino abandoned home and struck out to make his fortune. “It’s a horrible!” lamented Terracini. “He was not even a thirty years old! Who’s a going to feed him food? I feed him, I do his a laundry, I pay for his a car. I don’t know where a he go!”
Peppino’s father, Giuseppe Rolando, said, “Aaahhh! Why you gotta make a so big a deal? He need a to move out an get a job!”
Peppino, who has held jobs at a local florist, a fruit market, a pizzeria, and a used car lot, has never been able to support himself because of his habit of quitting his job after the first week when he got bored. Some family members claim, however, they have seen Peppino with a girlfriend at the Italian-American cultural center and theorize that Peppino may have gotten a job with her father, an influential friend to local politicians, businessmen, and store owners in the area.
While no one can be sure what could have been done to avoid this tragedy, Giachetta holds as her only consolation the promise her thirty-four-year-old son Vito made to not move out for at least another five years or until he gets married.
-The Editors
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Lawrence Massacre To Be Renamed Duck® Brand Duct Tape Massacre
In a groundbreaking effort to breathe some life and excitement into the dull and drab world of history, historians will be inviting corporate sponsors to lend their names to famous historical events and wars.
The first company to jump onboard was the Duck® brand duct tape company, although historians anticipate the imminent addition of Geico, Coca-Cola, and Verizon to the history sponsorships.
“We feel kids will find history more relatable,” said history revisionist Ed Horwitz, “if they can associate the historical event with something modern and applicable to their lives, plus it gives these struggling companies a chance to get their names out there on venues other than just sports arenas.”
While Duck® was partial to the massacres of the American Civil War, companies can choose from any event from the incipience of civilization to the most recent terrorist attacks, wars, and famines. “That’s the beauty of this campaign,” said Horwitz. “It is both educational and profitable.”
While there has been some pushback from kill-joys who intend to keep history pure at the expense of progress, proponents of the idea call this resistance “negligible and insignificant.”
-The Editors
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St Louis, MO— “Throw away that useless sunscreen and quit worrying about cancer!” experts hired by top tanning bed manufacturers urge.
In a study that brought into serious question the conventional wisdom about the harmful effects of the sun, the experts cast aspersions on all proponents of the “killer sun” theory and instead claimed that the sun has no provable link to skin cancer or premature aging and that, furthermore, there is really no consensus about whether either of the two (skin cancer and premature aging) even exist.
Experts who conducted the study suggested a government hoax meant to keep the populace indoors and watching government-run TV networks in an effort to suppress and constrain the masses.
The study then went on to suggest that tanning beds posed no risk to users, Patricia Krentcil notwithstanding, and provided lists of tanning parlors in local areas that used beds manufactured by the backer of the study.
While the government scrambles to release an official statement responding to the serious claims, many American beach goers and sun worshippers have had confirmed what they always suspected and will carry on as usual with no regard to the danger, real or imagined.
-The Editors
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Old Man Hikes Pants Up To Dizzying Heights
Warren, Mich.— Harry Lombrozo is not afraid of heights, and neither are his pants that he pulled up nearly to his chest on his afternoon walk this past Friday.
Lombrozo, an avid walker and garage tinkerer, is a retired WWII vet whose outfit of choice consists of creased blue dress pants, a white, short-sleeved polyester shirt, and brown suspenders that help him keep his pants well above his navel’s sea level.
As Lombrozo walks down his street for exercise and for “something to do,” he ignores the snickers of the “young punks” who “wear their pants down below their bottoms” and heads to Aco Hardware where he will putz around for hours.
Lombrozo claims that his mind, when idle, often takes him back to the happy days of the forties and fifties when “men were men and knew where their hips were.”
Lombrozo also enjoys hard candy and shooing whippersnappers off his lawn.
-The Editors
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Cheerleading Squad’s Spirit Called Into Question
Carmel, Ind.— Carmel High cheer squad has spirit, yes they do, Carmel High cheer has spirit—or do they? Not so fast, say the peppy pom-pon pushers of Westfield High who claim the Carmel High girls really have very little if any true spirit after all.
For as long as any of the girls from either school can remember, the two schools have been mortal enemies in the arena of cheerleading, so much so that they forego the customary postgame exchanging of popsicles and juice boxes in favor of dirty looks, sneers, and disparaging comments.
The feud escalated until it reached a tipping point during a game this past season in which the Carmel High squad began the traditional “We’ve got spirit yes we do; we’ve got spirit how about you?” cheer, to which the Westfield High girls, rather than responding in kind or chanting the acceptable rebuttal, “We’ve got more,” began chanting, “No you don’t!” repeatedly, drowning out the Carmel girls’ chanting and frustrating them.
The Carmel girls, not knowing how to respond to the vicious and unprecedented attack, fell into chaos, sources say; some even began crying as others shook their ponytailed and be-ribboned heads in confusion.
Carmel High basketball team captain Jim Gorelli, when asked about the incident, said, “Huh? I don’t know. We played a hard game and were happy to come away with the victory.”
Gorelli’s relationship with the captain of the cheerleading squad, incidentally, fizzled and died shortly after the game.
While faculty and parents from both sides agree that something must be done to quell the animosity, neither side has offered any real solutions for the team whose very reputation for team spirit is on the line.
The Editors
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