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Gun Shop Owner Makes Disparaging Comment While Watching Obama’s Speech
Roseville, Mich.— Gun shop owner Tom Benning shocked patrons by unleashing a snide and sardonic comment toward the TV during coverage of Obama’s speech about the new jobs bill.
At approximately 4:15 in the afternoon this past Monday, Terry Steulauker entered Tom’s Indoor Shooting Range and Gun Shop on Gratiot Avenue in Roseville, Michigan, looking forward to breaking in his new Smith & Wesson 642 Centennial Airweight. As he paid for his range time and picked out targets, he noticed that a TV behind the counter was playing the news. “I grabbed my eyes and ears and made ready to enter the range,” said Steulauker, “when I looked up to see Obama making an impassioned plea for Congress to pass his new jobs bill. Then, to my astonishment, I heard [Benning] say with a snort, ‘Don’t read it, just pass it,’ and I knew he was referring to the whole healthcare bill that nobody read and they just rammed through against the general public’s wishes. I mean, I felt the same way [as Benning], but I never dreamed I would hear my views articulated at a gun range.”
Steulauker, who is a member of the NRA and has a concealed pistol license, did not vote for Obama, nor does he support Obama’s policies, but he usually enters gun shops and shooting ranges bracing for the onslaught of liberal, left-leaning viewpoints he will encounter from the “gun-toting, liberal kooks” that usually frequent such establishments. Steulauker continued, “It was a breath of fresh air to go shooting among people who saw things as I do. I will definitely be going back.”
Benning, upon hearing of Steulauker’s shock, stated, “Seriously? A right-wing gun shop owner—who knew?”
Steulauker enjoyed breaking in his revolver and recommended that other like-minded people frequent the firearm establishment.
-The Editors
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Class Nerd Brags About New Graphing Calculator
Hagerstown, Maryland— Class nerd Charles Manre caused quite a stir yesterday among fellow math dorks and dweebs after announcing his acquisition of a TI-89 Titanium graphing calculator.
Said one math detester of the incident, “[Manre] was all snotting and snorting about this new calculator he got, and he had it in a locked case. All his nerdy friends were salivating over it when he opened it. A couple football guys tried to stomp it, but the combined shrieking and wailing of the nerds went up so loudly that [the football players] had to slink away to avoid trouble with the authorities. You would think they were going to string up a human child or something.”
Manre, who claims he can now die a happy man so long as he is buried with his pocket protector and taped-up horn-rimmed glasses, spoke quickly, nasally, and excitedly and made several pointless, drawn-out math equations to prove that his calculator was better than the HP 50g. Said Manre’s calculus teacher Matthew Finney, “I think it’s a great calculator. I have a TI-86, but I use it mostly for Tetris. That kid is a real nerd.”
Undaunted, Manre has begun working on a new solution to the debt and housing crises, poverty, and war, all of which he believes can be solved on his new calculator.
Traditionally, nerds like Manre have been some of the biggest customers of Texas Instruments, and Manre himself dreams of someday going to work for TI.
-The Editors
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Fisherman Credited With Coining Phrase “Smooth As Glass”
Bloomfield Hills, Mich.— Historians have made an exciting discovery about the tired, worn-out cliché “smooth as glass.”
While most people think they are being creative and helpful when describing something as “smooth as glass,” few people realize that the phrase is one that dates back centuries to the earliest years of pioneers settling the Michigan wilderness. Local historians unearthed a long-forgotten interview with a certain Alfonze Tuckett who settled in a log cabin on Square Lake in what is now Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. Tuckett allegedly enjoyed fishing for pike, muskellunge, walleye, and bass in the early morning calm of Square Lake before he had to head home to the cabin to spend the afternoon and evening defending him and his from “[Native American]” attacks and bears.
One day while fishing, he recalled looking at the water after a low-hanging mist had receded and thinking, “Well, I declare if they laid down a sheet of glass it couldn’t be smoother than this lake is right now.” The next time he got together for bridge with other area pioneer families, he tested his new phrase to overwhelming approval and gained temporary hero status in the territory. Soon, however, his fame, along with the patience of other pioneers around him, began to wane, and his sapient saying became nothing but a colorless cliché.
Today, historians and lovers of language everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief that another mystery of a once-brilliant phrase has been put to rest, so to speak.
-The Editors
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Local Man Donates Pog Collection To Smithsonian, Tries Out For Biggest Loser
Warren, Mich.— For years the Smithsonian Institute has shamefully lacked an important piece of Americana, without which their collection of artifacts could never be complete—that is until local stingy hoarder Marv DeScall released his Pog collection from his greedy, chubby grip and acquiesced to turn all his Pogs over to his nation’s most celebrated museum of objet d'art.
Lovers of art and fine American historical pieces across the country lauded DeScall’s move as “noble” and “hugely [pun intended] magnanimous.” DeScall, whose collection comprised several hundred random Pogs from the mid 1990’s and several heavy plastic and steel slammers, one of which was the coveted “Red Power Ranger Pog,” declared, “I don’t care about Pogs any more than I care about my G.I. Joe robot. If the stupid Smithsonian wants them, they can have them.” DeScall went on to decry the pathetic nature of his family. “My real concern,” said DeScall, “is using this whole Pog ordeal to get me in the good graces of the producers of The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.”
DeScall, who recently took a job as a computer networker, refused any further questions citing a dearth of decent coffee and stated, “[The Satirical Rogue] is stupid.” After DeScall left, reporters noticed over two dozen donuts were missing from the break room. DeScall’s Pog collection will go on display at the Smithsonian this coming spring.
-The Editors
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Politician Makes Openly Honest Statement
Washington, DC— People everywhere fidgeted nervously, not knowing how to react to a statesman’s flagrant, willfully honest statement last Wednesday.
After a long-standing tradition of lies, deceit, and arrogant treachery among Washington leaders, a prominent politician shocked the political community to the core with a wanton, reckless display of outright honesty. Pundits decried the perfidy immediately as an overt attack on Washington convention and called for the politician’s immediate resignation.
“It’s a disgrace!” cried an understandably outraged member of Congress. “Are there no depths that this man will not go under the guise of ‘forthrightness’? His actions reflect negatively on us all.”
Other politicians, many from the truthful official’s same party, showed similar distaste for the ostentatious display of truthfulness and immediately distanced themselves from his comments.
“When people think ‘American government,’ this is not the picture they are accustomed to having evoked,” said the candid candidate’s party chair. “[The truthfulness] is nothing but bad political posturing and will be the downfall of his political career.”
Political upheaval is apparent, and strong winds of mutinous aggression are charging Congressional meetings and political debates everywhere. Some have even suggested an end to politics as usual in America, but most doubt things could ever go that far and warn against panic.
-The Editors
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Woman Feels She Is Losing Battle For Husband’s Heart To Meijer Thrifty Acres
Warren, Mich.— When David “Dopey” Scaczynski isn’t slaughtering pre-pubescent boys on Xbox 360’s Halo: Reach, he can usually be found wandering the aisles of his local Meijer.
Scaczynski’s wife, Karen Scaczynski, fears that her ever-vigilant efforts to woo him with gourmet cooking, flashy “Royal Oak” style jewelry, and thoughtful vacations to small towns that boast dog-themed restaurants have all been in vain. “I was wearing a brand new dress and had prepared him his favorite meal,” said Mrs. Scaczynski dejectedly, “and as I walked into the living room to invite him to dinner, he kept trying to see around me and look at the TV. I looked and realized that he was watching a Meijer commercial and probably didn’t even notice I was there. Then, as the commercial ended, I think I saw him wipe a tear from his eye and say reverently under his breath, ‘I love that place.’ I just feel like I can’t compete with the long, wide, brightly-lit aisles teeming with reasonably-priced, top-quality home goods, electronics, groceries, and sporting goods. He will go to pick up a light bulb or something and end up staying for hours at a time, wandering the aisles and picking up things he neither needs nor intended to get. It’s like he loses control when he is there and just walks about in a trance-like stupor of loving and awed surrender to the power of Meijer. When he realized several years ago that they were going to build a Meijer a half mile from us, he just cried for hours in disbelief. He is very weird. He has his own pump at the Meijer gas station, and if someone is using it, he will wait for them to finish, even if every other pump is free. I am convinced that I am vying for his affection with a regional hypermarket, and I don’t think I am winning.”
Scaczynski attributes his unnatural attachment to the shopping center to his years as an employee working in the Meijer bottle department. “I guess I had always hoped I would meet my wife there, and when I didn’t, I sometimes dreamed of getting married in the Meijer men’s clothing department,” said Scaczynski. “What little boy doesn’t dream about getting married in his favorite shopping center?” Scaczynski recalled fondly the many dates in the Meijer cafeteria he had with high school crushes.
Scaczynski’s brother, Jose, thinks he knows why Scaczynski is so fixated on Meijer: “When Dopey was a kid, he spoke with a lisp and couldn’t pronounce ‘shopping center’; it came out something like, ‘thopping thenter.’ I think after he went to speech therapy as a boy with Miss Budgio, whom he hugged so that no air passed between them upon graduating and learning to pronounce his S sounds, he was subconsciously never able to get over the fact that we had made him say ‘thopping thenter’ repeatedly and had laughed at him, and so he would continually go to a shopping center in an effort to validate himself and his newfound ability to say and even physically experience a ‘shopping center.’ He is really messed up.”
Jose, despite this analysis, makes his living not as a professional psychologist, but as an accountant who himself struggles with spelling and nose picking.
-The Editors
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