Volume XLVIII July 1, 2012

Youth Delivers Timely And Snappy Comeback

Naperville, Ill.— After years of thinking up the perfect retorts to his neighborhood nemesis’ disparaging gibes just twenty to thirty minutes too late, Bernard Hollyer replied almost immediately with the perfect riposte that left his attacker shocked, shamed, and thoroughly belittled.

Witnesses say that the scene unfolded the same way it had time and time again as the neighborhood tough Magwitch Peskin began peppering Hollyer with putdown after putdown, giving the rest of the neighborhood kids along with Peskin’s cronies a good laugh at Hollyer’s expense. Suddenly, however, Hollyer unleashed an acerbic, well-timed comeback that shut Peskin up immediately and hushed the taunting crowd.

Neighborhood children straddling bicycles and holding skateboards respectfully told of the event with wonder and awe. Witnesses claimed that the ensuing silence after Hollyer’s comment comprised “some of the most uncomfortable seconds of [their] lives” as Peskin’s gang looked around in confusion and waited for their champion to take the repartee and spike it home with something devastating and final. After Peskin hesitated, however, it seemed all over for him as his henchmen saw weakness and began beating Peskin in their confusion. Unfortunately, when they had left Peskin a bloody heap in the vacant field in which they’d initially surrounded Hollyer and looked around for Hollyer to be their new leader, Hollyer had run home leaving his library books, his graphing calculator, and a small puddle.

Although Hollyer has yet to rise up and assume his rightful position as neighborhood bully, his one shining moment will forever be etched into the memories of all there to witness his great comeback.

-The Editors

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Eisenhower Edges Out Romney And Obama In Retirement Home Poll

Tiffin, Ohio— The residents at Nightingale Retirement Home still like Ike and are prepared to stand behind their preferred candidate no matter what the ballot says.

In a poll that included only two choices, residents gave Dwight Eisenhower a comfortable cushion over the two actual candidates at the quiet rest home full of pinochle-playing, cookie-throwing, Jell-O-slurping seniors. The poll was a secret ballot vote in which each resident was given a slip of paper with President Obama’s and Governor Romney’s names on each and were asked to circle the name of the candidate of their choice. When Nightingale staffers collected and tallied the votes, they ended up with fourteen votes for Obama, twelve for Romney, twenty-eight write-ins for Eisenhower, and several pieces of chewed-gum.

While staffers know that Eisenhower has little chance of actually being reelected President this fall, they received a hearty ovation of hands and fists beating trays and tables when they named Eisenhower victorious in their little poll.

Staffers say that partying continued well into the evening and that they were still sweeping up wigs and teeth after 8 pm.

-The Editors

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Dyslexic Robber Claims To Have Money, Demands All Of Bank’s Guns

Champaign, Ill.— Bud Judycki’s strange demand threw tellers at the First State Bank for a loop, though they complied quickly and efficiently.

When Judycki entered the bank, teller Glenda Orfield said she found his tan trench coat a tad suspicious in June, but she greeted him with a smile and a “How can I help you?” anyway. Orfield claimed that Judycki then approached her window and slid a piece of paper across the counter to her.

“My heart was beating like a drum,” said Orfield, who illustrated the sound by thumping her chest with her knuckles. “I always wondered what it would be like if I was robbed, and then I knew this was it. I wondered if I would ever see my family again. I read the note which said, ‘I have money. Give me all your guns,’ and sure enough he pulled back a flap of his jacket to reveal wads and wads of hundred-dollar bills stuffed in the inner pockets, so I calmly walked into the back room and filled two canvas sacks with all the guns I could find and brought them out to him. I didn’t think I’d make it out alive, but he just took the sacks, yelled for everyone to get down, and showered the waiting area with bills. People began to panic as they realized what was happening and hit the floor while he made his getaway.”

So far police have been unable to get any leads on the unusual robber’s whereabouts, but they are confident that he will be brought to justice soon.

-The Editors

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Former Wal-Mart Greeter Publishes Greeting Card, Draws On Years Of Experience

Hazel Park, Mich.— Ed Garnick capitalized on his twenty-three years of experience as a Wal-Mart greeter by converting his knowledge of the greeting business into a lucrative tell-all greeting card.

“Ever since I entered Wal-Mart for the first time and was greeted by someone,” said Garnick, “I always thought that it would be a dream come true to be able to just say hello to people and get paid for it. At that moment, I began dreaming of someday becoming a Wal-Mart greeter myself, and eight years later, I became the youngest greeter in Wal-Mart history at only forty-seven.”

At seventy years old, Garnick has retired from the Wal-Mart greeting racket, but he hasn’t quit greeting. In a four-line greeting card now on sale at Hallmark stores across America, Garnick has compressed all his accumulated grasp on all things greeting into an epigrammatic greeting that greeting-card critics are hailing as “The greatest and most original greeting card since the introduction of the sympathy card.”

While Garnick collects no retirement benefits from Wal-Mart because they kept him at exactly 39.5 hours per week for twenty-three years, he says that card sales are booming and that his thirteen cents per card royalty is more than sufficient to fund his ever-increasing prescription-drug habit.

-The Editors

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Ninety-One-Year-Old Skydiver Snoozes Mid-Dive

New Baltimore, Mich.— World War II Navy veteran Bud Lamarca, who has been celebrating his birthday with a airplane evacuation for the past sixty-three years, fell asleep at the ripcord last Friday.

To mark his ninety-first birthday, Lamarca dove headlong toward the earth from a single-engine plane over his beloved New Baltimore while family members watched anxiously from the ground via a live streaming video fed from a camera attached to Lamarca’s helmet. The family initially laughed nervously as Lamarca screamed “Geronimo!” while exiting the plane, but their titters turned to trepidation as the nonagenarian began to peacefully and rhythmically snore while plummeting like a wrinkled, Neolithic meteor toward the earth.

The family watched in horror as he fell until several of them ran out of the hangar where they had been viewing the spectacle to try to see Lamarca in the air. Lamarca’s daughter Pam McMillan said, “We thought this was it. I know it would have been how he wanted to go, but we nevertheless began screaming for him to wake up. Then mom piped up louder than I’ve ever heard her, ‘Bud! The TV’s too loud!’ and that’s when they said he snorted and pulled the ripcord.”

Lamarca floated gently to the ground without incident and was greeted by his family who smothered him with affection and relief while he protested that he was “only resting his eyes.”

Whether Lamarca will make the leap next year remains to be seen. His children have stated that if he insists on doing this again, they will send a remote controlled alarm clock with him to avoid another soaring snooze.

-The Editors

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Child OK With Having Really Disappointed Parents

Conway, Ark.— Fourteen-year-old Jacob Feigenbaum reacted with a shrug and a unemotional nonchalance when his parents asked him if he knew how disappointed they were about his final eighth grade report card.

Said Feigenbaum, “I really don’t mind if they are disappointed because I never really cared for school as much as they apparently do. I only go because they make such a big deal about it, but frankly, I plan to start a band and make millions of dollars on tour, so none of this really matters anyway. They just don’t understand, and there is nothing I can do to make them.”

Feigenbaum’s parents claimed that they were “really disappointed” and that this was Feigenbaum’s worst report card ever. “His grades are looking more and more like Peppermint Patty’s grades—D minuses across the board. At least she had baseball to fall back on. Jakey, all he ever does is listen to music and talk about starting a band, but he doesn’t even know how to play any instruments. We tried to give him drum lessons last summer, but he quit after his second lesson and said it was ‘lame.’”

While Feigenbaum has yet to pick an instrument to learn, he remains confident that his parents’ lame disappointment is only temporary and that they will someday praise his wisdom in not “getting all nuts about school,” which he believes would ultimately be a distraction from his true calling.

-The Editors