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ABC To Air Special About Something More Boring Than The Royal Family
This week ABC viewers will be treated to a special that will test the very limits of their mind-numbing television viewing.
After viewers last week gorged their minds on the tedious daily nonsense of people and events that can and will never affect their lives personally, the fawning faithful will be able to tune in to the some of the most wearisomely pedantic programming in television history next week that, experts predict, they will watch—to their credit—without blinking, complaint, or changing the channel.
With literally thousands of books available that could entertain, enlighten, and educate, these viewers will choose to bide their time in banality, as they did last week when filling up on facts about which royal figures married whom and what rifts these romances sent rippling through the royal ranks.
A spokesperson for ABC said, “We are pleased to offer [the special] and are confident that viewers will choose watching our program over doing anything worthwhile.”
-The Editors
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Contestant Forgets To Remove Potatoes From Sack, Finishes Last In Sack Race
Marshalltown, Iowa— After Fen Laris prepared all year for the annual Marshallfest potato sack race, one minor oversight cost him the victory he had dreamed of since his boyhood.
Each year Marshalltown holds a festival that most residents attend at which residents can debut and sample delicious foods, play games and participate in competitions, and be entertained by local singers and small-time celebrities. Of all the competitions, the annual potato sack race is traditionally considered the pinnacle event. The winner of the race receives a gold cup, a picture in the town hall, and the worship and adulation of adoring and gushing townspeople until the next year’s race when he or she will be cast aside like a fat kid’s used-up inhaler.
Laris, a thirty-eight-year-old computer programmer, has dreamed of winning the competition since his youth and almost realized his lifelong dream last year when he finished second last year in a somewhat controversial call after the first-place winner dived for the finish line while stretching out with one hand, forcing officials to implement a finish-line ribbon for this year’s race.
Laris claimed he trained daily this year, forcing himself through a grueling and demanding training regimen that began each morning at 4:30 and lasted nearly two hours. “I changed my diet, eating only things that would help me turn my legs into human springs to power me to a decisive and overwhelming victory,” said a mournful Laris who collapsed into a hysterical sobbing mess after the race.
Laris claimed he suspected something was wrong when all his fellow competitors jumped out to an early lead, “even the fat ones who didn’t train at all.” So nervous was Laris that he continued hopping, even as onlookers pointed and shouted, “He’s forgotten to empty his potato sack!”
“It was about six heavy hops into the race,” said a dejected and lugubrious Laris, “when I knew something was horribly wrong and stopped hopping to check for problems. It didn’t take me long to realize that the sack was about two-thirds full of potatoes. In my excitement for the race, I had forgotten to empty my potato sack.”
Witnesses say an anguished Laris stepped out of the sack, “flinging potatoes in every direction” while screaming maniacal ebullitions and weeping uncontrollably.
Witnesses say Laris then reentered the sack and headed for the finish line, although by that time the slowest competitors were already crossing.
While townspeople seemed baffled by Laris’s neglectfulness of a seemingly basic step to potato sack racing, they are confident the mistake will never be repeated in future Marshallfest sack races.
-The Editors
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Insane Escape Artist Recommitted To Asylum Ninth Time This Week
Belmont, Mass.— Legendary escape artist and raving lunatic Vincent Sever was recommitted to McLean Hospital’s insane asylum again and again this week after several breathtaking and seemingly impossible slips.
Asylum staffers cringed when Sever, renowned for his twenty-seven-second straightjacket escape, was introduced to the thriving community of loons, whackos, and nut jobs just three months ago and have been scrambling to keep him confined ever since.
Asylum warden Jeffrey Kornbrot said that staff frustrations peaked this week when Sever escaped and had to be corralled back inside the cold, antiseptic steel walls of the asylum for the ninth time. “To him it is a game,” said Kornbrot. “It’s as though he is performing his life’s masterpiece, and we are the pawns enabling him.”
Kornbrot claimed they have tried all the traditional horrific methods of controlling crazies, from electrotherapy to Chinese water torture to strapping him to a bed and administering heavy doses of brain-dulling tranquilizer, but each morning they enter Sever’s room they are greeted by an empty bed and the crude drawing of a maniacal smiley face in the wall.
So far Kornbrot and his staff have few ideas to stave of the errant escape artist from absconding, but they do plan to up his dosage of drugs to levels dangerous to even the most impervious and lusty humans.
-The Editors
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Romeoville, Ill.— Sandra McGee had no idea who the smiling young face was on the graduation announcement she found in her mailbox on Thursday thanks to a small mix-up in the space-time continuum.
McGee, who lives in 2012 Romeoville, said she was a little puzzled when she opened her mailbox and received a graduation announcement for a Katherine Roegner. The odd thing was that Roegner, whom McGee had never heard of, was to graduate in 1988.
“I looked at it,” said McGee, “and thought, ‘well who could this be? One of my husband’s relatives’ kids?’ But he had never heard of the name, and I had never heard of the name, and then I noticed the graduation was to take place at Bolingbrook High on May 27—of 1988.”
McGee said she immediately suspected a glitch in the space-time continuum, citing her expansive knowledge of all things Back to the Future. Postal officials validated Mcgee’s claims, stating they had not ruled out the possibility that sorting-case shelves might occasionally serve as portals to alternate realities, dimensions, and universes. They stated, however, that they cannot comment conclusively because government funding into further research was regrettably cut when the Postal Service stopped turning a profit and bureaucrats decided the money “would be better spent on pensions than portals”—the teachings of Doc Brown notwithstanding.
McGee said she felt guilty about not being able to at least send a card and a check but stated she “had no idea how to address [the card]” and hoped that the Sandra McGee of Roegner’s universe would somehow learn of the joyful and momentous event despite the mix-up.
-The Editors
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Bully Enjoys Temporary Adoration After Angelic Rendition Of “Ave Maria”
Holland, Mich.— Gary Paynter's usually gruff, menacing voice soared in ecclesiastical ecstasy Friday when he favored his schoolmates with a stunning and emotional rendition of “Ave Maria” at an all-school talent show.
Students say that after the six-foot, fifth-grade bully finished singing, they all sat in awed silence for a moment as the final ringing of his beautiful voice reverberated through the rafters and floated away like a summer cloud at twilight. “It was a stark contrast from the way we are used to hearing his voice angrily and threateningly demand our lunch money,” said little Pigtail Polly Laisne of the fourth grade.
Some teachers were reportedly seen wiping their eyes and commenting about how nice Paynter looked clean shaven.
Paynter’s fame was short lived, however, as he kicked a dork on his way back to his chair and then pulled the chair out from under another student who was sitting down after giving Paynter a standing ovation. Paynter then continued his regular extorting and abusive ways immediately after his the show before going home to his secret and misunderstood life.
-The Editors
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New Bern, North Carolina— During an informal interview outside his beach home in New Bern, Nicholas Sparks leaked some telling spoilers about the latest book he is working on.
Audible gasps from scandalized fans expressing shock at the apparent departure from Sparks’ normal modus operandi rose to a crescendo as the news swept from coast to coast on Monday’s news wire.
“This is a bold move for Sparks,” said book critic Todd Freimont of the Dallas Morning Star. “Sparks’ bread and butter has been sticking to a safer fare. I think this is an audacious and desperate move by the aging author who hasn’t converted one of his books into a major motion picture in over five weeks and has probably done some soul searching to see where he lost his way. I applaud his courage in departing from the ordinary, but I don’t know if this type of romance will pay off in the long run. It ultimately depends on whether or not there is an audience and a demand out there for stories that are peopled with characters that could exist only in fiction and that are designed for one purpose: to squeeze money out of females through their tear ducts.”
Sparks has published fourteen books already and hopes to begin a new chapter in his career as he blazes new trails in the romance genre.
-The Editors
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