Embedded Files
Plumber Nicknamed “Liberty Bell”
Waterbury, Conn.— Colleagues of Bill Saulnier gave him the nickname “Liberty Bell” because of his contribution to perpetuating the stereotype involving plumbers’ trousers.
Saulnier, who has been making up names for plugged-up drains to bilk unsuspecting customers of hundreds of dollars worth of unnecessary charges for nearly nineteen years now, boasts that he has never bought a pair of full-posterior-covering trousers in his entire plumbing tenure, a fact that has ranked him in high esteem among the elites of his wrench-wielding brethren.
Contrary to many people’s understanding of plumbers, they are not blissfully unaware that large sections of rear end real estate are on display as they grunt and twist under their customers’ sinks, but rather they take great pride in flourishing their fannies. Several plumbers, who refused to go on record, claimed that making their customers uncomfortable by disporting their duffs or brandishing their breeches was more or less a right of passages among plumbers—some even went so far as to allege that among plumbers, showing daring amounts of derriere earned them respect and bragging rights.
Despite the mainstream’s reticence to pick up on the plumbers’ prideful practice, most plumbers claimed they had no intention of covering up.
-The Editors
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Female Politician Bows Out Of Race Citing Splitting Headache
Olympia, Wash.— As the gubernatorial race heats up in Washington, the favored candidate for the Republican Party shocked reporters at a impromptu press conference when she announced her official withdrawal from the race.
Witnesses say that Nancy Anselin massaged her temples and declared, “This race is giving me a splitting headache. I’m done.” before walking offstage in search of some Tylenol. Anselin, who has complained of “terrible migraines” before, seemed to have also taken her staff by surprise as they began scrambling and trying to answer questions that they themselves must have had.
The Anselin camp stated that Anselin “lay down with a cool washcloth on her forehead and asked for all the curtains to be drawn.”
It is not clear who will be taking her place or whether she will try to make a comeback after the “horrible pressure” subsides.
-The Editors
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Spelling Suggestion Program Gives Up
Warren, Mich.— Does your smart phone give up in despair after desperately trying to fix your egregious spelling errors? Joe Sherman’s Droid does.
Sherman, who has endeared himself to readers with his deplorable spelling, pinky-picked nose, Hardy Boys books, and longing for “The Truck,” finally pushed his smart phone past its ability to do what it had been programmed to ungrudgingly and unfeelingly do.
Tech support experts at Droid remain baffled about Sherman’s Droid’s refusing to correct any more of his spelling errors in his texts and tweets, stating that they “can only conjecture that [the auto-correct spelling program] just got exhausted from overuse and entered a deep state of depression.”
“We never anticipated the volume of misspelled words the program has been getting [by Sherman] in endless torrents. It truly is flabbergasting how poor a speller he is,” said one spokesperson.
Droid representatives insisted they were doing everything they could to solve the problem but added that they couldn’t promise any program would have the kind of stability, stamina, and dogged assiduity required to reckon with Sherman’s “reckless misspelling.”
Sherman’s family and friends, who have learned to look past his spelling challenges, remain confident that Droid will fail.
-The Editors
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Lone Boy With Bat To Owner Of Broken Window: “It Wasn’t Me”
Belton, Missouri— Little Tommy Dicesare returned his neighbor’s accusatory stare with steadfast defiance as he maintained he had no part in the broken window.
Dicesare’s neighbor, Old Man Padgett, said in a gruff, stern voice, “I know it was him, that no good little urchin.”
Padgett went on to say that the ball had the message “Please return to Little Tommy Dicesare at 375 Maple Lane” written on it in Dicesare’s cheery cursive.
“I showed it to him with his name and all, and he still said it wasn’t him,” said Padgett. “So I got out the video tape and showed him himself hitting the ball and the ball sailing through my plate-glass window. There was no other kid out on the entire block, but he still says, ‘It wasn’t me.’ I finally called his parents, but they just said ‘Our Little Tommy never lies, and if he said it wasn’t him, then some of the other mean boys in the neighborhood must be playing a trick on him. How dare you torment our boy!’ as that little cretin sniffed and sniveled in the background.”
Old Man Padgett fears he has little recourse if Dicesare’s parents won’t accept responsibility for their delinquent little reprobate and decried “the shameful times when the street grump can’t even inspire a little fear in children anymore.”
-The Editors
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“Casual” Mike Memphis Excited About Office Casual Day
Merrillville, Ind.— “Casual” Mike Memphis felt as though things were finally starting to fall in place for him when his small insurance office announced the implementation of Friday “casual days.”
Memphis, who has long basked in his reputation among family and friends of being a laid-back and casual guy, for years petitioned an implacable management for a more relaxed dress code to no avail. He claimed he had “all but given up on those tight-fisted, mealy-mouthed goons when low-and-behold, a memo came across his desk that the company would be implementing a casual day and that all employees were strongly encouraged to participate for the sake of group morale.” Memphis continued as his face grew progressively redder, “I had been trying to get this for years. Nearly got an ulcer over the whole thing, and now, when I had finally given up all hope, they pull this. I’d like to get the ear of some of the stuffed shirts working up there.”
Memphis stated that although he was excited management were finally doing something smart, he toyed with the idea of wearing a full suit each Friday just to show his conscientious objection to their waiting so long.
-The Editors
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Internet Shopper Feels World’s Merchandise Is At His Fingertips
Ray Township, Mich.— Art Dininny rolled out of bed at one in the afternoon on Friday with the cheery and affable feeling that this brand new day offered him endless possibilities of Internet shopping.
Dininny, a stay-at-home bachelor who owns his own trailer and an Internet connection thanks in part to his winnings at the off-track betting in town, scratched his mussed hair and his chest under a stretched-out collar of a yellowed T-shirt, yawned, and sat down at his computer while scrounging on the ground for remains of his pizza dinner from the previous night.
Some of Dininny’s favorite shopping sites include, but are not limited to, the following: Amazon.com, eBay.com, and Midtowncomics.com.
Dininny said he gets “a feeling of euphoria” when he logs on in the morning, “as if the shopping possibilities are endless” and each new day brings him a new opportunity to land that great Internet treasure that will bring him permanent happiness.
Dininny, who watches for the letter carrier each day like a kid who sent off for a ball cap, continues to troll the Web daily for intransient contentedness.
-The Editors
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