Embedded Files
Man Heeds Bad Feeling, Averts Possible Disaster
Moline, Ill.— Robert Munoz, who has no known history of prescience, was glad he had the good sense to regard the premonition he felt this week.
Munoz, who regularly takes to the neighborhood sidewalks for exercise, was eating breakfast and thinking about where he would run that morning when he said he had “a bad feeling about that day’s run” and “wrestled with” whether or not he should still go.
After finally concluding that the possible risks outweighed the benefits of a morning jog, Munoz opted for a comfortable seat in front of the Today show rather than the strenuous activity he had planned.
“In the end,” said Munoz, “I am glad I didn’t go. There are literally thousands of things that could have happened to me that morning that didn’t. For example, I could have been mugged or hit by a produce truck, or I might have had a heart attack, but none of those things happened because I actually listened to the bad feeling I had and didn’t go.”
“There are a lot of stories out there about people who get hurt or killed and later say they had a bad feeling about what they were about to do but did it anyway,” explained Munoz, “but thankfully, this is not one of those stories, and here I am as proof that listening to your instincts is always the smartest choice.”
Since that near-fateful day, Munoz has safely taken to the sidewalks again but without the bad feelings.
-The Editors
________________________
Man Shares Lesson With Friends: Never Plunge Toilet With Mouth Open
London, Ontario— A good-natured, patriotic Canadian with a bland sense of fashion and an allergy to select perfumes learned a valuable lesson about toilet plunging and passed his new wisdom to his friends.
Jason “The Canuck” Shanes found that his perfectly legal 3.6 GPF (Gallons Per Flush) toilet, while usually up to the task of ushering his business out of his home to become someone else’s problem, struggled with the abuse he gave it following a particularly cornucopian Christmas. Shanes knew he was in trouble when he flushed and heard “nothing but running water rising to alarming levels” before he could safely vacate the seat.
After “what seemed a lifetime,” Shanes alleged he was able to secure a plunger and begin attacking the clot head on. It was at this point that Shanes related the revolting repulsiveness of realizing he had made a hasty and grave mistake. “When plunging away at a pestiferously clogged toilet,” said a reflective Shanes, “greet that magical moment of success with pursed lips. You’ll thank me later.”
Shanes, who has been peddling his new philosophy with friends and loved ones, claims he is seeking a larger forum to reach a broader audience with his message. “People need to hear,” said Shanes. “Nobody should ever have to endure what I did.”
-The Editors
_______________________
Man Adopts Hakuna Matata Philosophy, Becomes Burden To Society
Hazel Park, Mich.— Tom Biltmoore, heir of the Biltmoore Construction (“We Built More For You” ®) dynasty, moved to a trailer park in Hazel Park upon graduation from college rather than following his father’s footsteps in the construction business.
Tom, who grew up in the opulence of his parents’ Rochester mansion, opted to abandon his father’s dream of keeping the family business in the family. “I just didn’t want that life,” said Biltmoore. “I was a senior at Lawrence Tech and realized that when I graduated, my life would be completely mapped out for me.”
Biltmoore graduated with a degree in engineering this December but took the little savings he had and bought a trailer in Hazel Park where he now lives carefree with little to no expenses, watches TV, and spends time with his pit-bull.
“I guess it all goes back to when I was a kid and I watched The Lion King,” said Biltmoore. “Simba seemed so happy when he was living Hakuna Matata, and, quite frankly, I always wished he would have stayed with Timon and Pumba. So I am going to live without the burden of everyone’s expectations.”
Biltmoore now draws unemployment, welfare, and food stamps from the government without contributing anything. In essence, his father and those like him continue to support Biltmoore even though Biltmoore graduated with honors and had several legitimate job offers in the field of his degree.
-The Editors
________________________
“Man” Begins Majority Of Article Titles In Latest Volume
The editors of The Satirical Rogue, often mistakenly maligned as misogynists, have begun most of their current article titles with the word “man.”
Of the first four article titles in the current volume, statisticians suggest that four have begun with the word “man.” The trend clearly indicates a lack of variety in the introduction of ideas and a tendency toward a glorification of the machismo, allege media watchdogs. The editors at this particular “news” outlet have been accused of being repeat offenders in their tacit deferring to stories centered on males.
The chief editor at TSR stated, “I don’t accept the premise of this accusation. We are not misogynistic here—perhaps a bit unoriginal, but not misogynistic. How could I be? My best friend is a woman!” The editor then dissolved into schoolgirl—er, schoolchild-like giggling and said, “Yeah, OK, maybe a little.”
Despite these clear affronts to modern feminism, TSR continues to enjoy a large percentage of female readership, although to be fair, the chief editor’s mother and aunts make up nearly half the regular readers.
That issue aside, TSR remains firm in its commitment to churn out world-class news for all to enjoy, claiming to report news as it happens, “regardless of which gender it focuses on.”
-The Editors
_________________________
Popular News Outlet Quietly Skips Week Of Articles Much To Chagrin Of Nobody
As people all over the globe celebrated the ushering in of a new year, most lived in complete ignorance of the fact that the presses had stopped at one Internet news source.
Editors of The Satirical Rogue closed their proverbial shutters like a pre-spirit-visited Scrooge the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day as though the news takes a vacation. Readers, however, lodged no complaints over the week-long suspension of articles. Complaints readers did not submit include that of one man named Hector Varghese who did not say, “What kind of a second-rate organization is so small that one man’s vacation means the whole place shuts down?” Other complaints that readers did not level against the un-embattled TSR included allegations that the editors’ devotion lies no deeper than his convenience and that TSR has let them down in some of the most news-rich times in history.
TSR editors, who have traditionally preferred intense love or intense hatred over phlegmatic insouciance, claimed they would welcome any hateful complaints from jilted and disgruntled readers because the rancor would “at least make us feel alive.”
Although TSR plans to resume normal production, discerning readers everywhere are not saying, “Too little, too late.”
-The Editors
_______________________
Editor’s Ironic Inter-Article Allusions Wearisomely Heller-esque
The editor of a public news site on the Web seemed to lean a bit too heavily on allusions to his own articles, creating a paper house barely supported by anything but his lightly-veiled circular Hellerisms.
“[The news source] is way too wrapped up in their own writing,” said one on-again-off-again reader and critic. “The editors over their have failed to heed the number-one rule in news reporting: never make yourself part of the news, just report it. The clever self denigration does little to mitigate the obnoxiousness.”
The news source, struggling to maintain readership, has been criticized for its alleged sensationalizing and continued introspection in a last-ditch, desperate effort to stay afloat and generate excitement at any cost. Most of his allusions and references would go unnoticed, claim critics, if he didn’t point them out himself in ironic mockery meant to highlight his own cleverness.
Despite the attacks, the news source plods on, muddling its way into a new year, defying critics who see no point in the Web site’s existence.
-The Editors
Google Sites
Report abuse