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Man In Right Lane Really Digging For Gold During Rush-Hour Standstill
Livonia, Mich.— A paunchy man in his early thirties driving a blue Chevy Trailblazer engaged in a Jacobean struggle in which he wrestled an obstinate booger into reluctant submission on I-696 last Friday.
The booger was allegedly extricated at 5:43 p.m. (EST) after the highly emotional and suspenseful phlegmy fracas to the disgust of eyewitnesses who, regardless of their discontent, watched the contest with rapt and gruesomely morbid fascination.
One eyewitness, a Berkley woman driving her young teenage daughter home from school, claimed that she and her daughter were not the only spectators to the filthy fray. “I saw several people in cars around him pointing in disbelief,” said Carol Klaassen. “He didn’t even try to hide it,” she continued. “People everywhere were watching, and I think one guy was dry-heaving after craning his neck to get a better look. [The nosepicker] had to have known he had an audience, but it’s like he just didn’t care. He wasn’t going to give up or surrender until he got what he was after.”
The unnamed picking perpetrator was unable to be identified—although he seems to match the description of the spelling-deficient Joe Sherman—but he continues to sear the image of his submerged digit into the minds of those witnessing his snot-subjugating achievement.
-The Editors
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Housewife Channels Lady Macbeth While Laundering Shirt
Farmington Hills, Mich.— A spaghetti sauce-stained shirt drove Julie Barclove to near insanity as she paced her laundry room into the wee hours of the morning imprecating the spot and urging it out.
The stain, a result of her husband Sam’s dropping a forkful of pasta on himself at dinner, seemed to be permanently imbedded in the fabric of the shirt and proved impervious to OxyClean, Shout, and all other stain removing products Barclove assailed the shirt with.
Sam claimed he realized “sometime after midnight” she wasn’t in bed yet and stole to the laundry room where he heard her muttering to herself and to the spot, urging it “out,” and mumbling that she “didn’t know one forkful could contain so much sauce.”
“I think she was sleepwalking by that time,” said Sam. “I was tempted to go get her and bring her to bed, but when she gets like this, it’s best to just leave her alone.”
Sam claimed that the next day he woke up to find Julie in bed clutching the shirt that was spot free but had a gaping, ragged hole where the stain had been.
-The Editors
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Fiddle Dee Dee, The Fly And Bumblebee Face Some Tough Hurdles In New York
Albany, New York— After pressure from insect-rights lobbyists, lawmakers proposed a landmark bill that would give insects the right to legally wed in the Empire State.
In what many have described as a long-overdue and progressive decision, lawmakers on the heels of another landmark marriage act seemed to have collectively thrown up their hands as if to say, “Why not?” Insect-rights lobbyists argued compellingly that two loving, consenting adult insects, regardless of their order, should be able to live with the same rights as anyone else.
“Love knows no class and order barriers,” stated insect-rights activist Barry Szerencsi emphatically as he spoke to a large group of supporters on the steps of the New York Capitol Building. His supporters screamed and stamped their approval as he continued, “Our children sing songs about flies and bumblebees getting married, yet we still barbarically forbid these gentle creatures from recognizing their love and deny them the most basic of rights!”
Opponents of the bill, however, have voiced opposition to the idea stating that this bill is “beyond the pale,” “poppycock,” and “nonsense,” and pointing out that wedding bands alone would pose an insurmountable obstacle to insects wishing to wed.
New York legislatures are set to vote later this month on the controversial bill that, if passed, will go before the Governor to be signed into law.
-The Editors
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Colorblind Teacher Unable To Distinguish Students’ Races
Mt. Clemens, Mich.— Terry Abramson’s colorblindness culminated in humiliation when he mistook a white student for a black one.
Abramson, a white man who has always boasted to his predominantly black students that he is “colorblind in the truest sense of the term,” playfully made a joke about laundry being the “final frontier of segregation” and bragged that he washed all his clothing together because “running colors don’t bother [him] in the least.”
After the alleged aphorism, Abramson allegedly looked at junior Jerome Durham and said, “You’ll never hear ‘whites only’ in my laundry room!”
Students claim that Durham started, looked from side to side, and then said, “Why are you looking at me?”
Allegedly, Abramson then stuttered, hesitated, and said, “Well, aren’t you—you know . . . ?”
Although Abramson never said “black,” students immediately understood his blunder and began shaking their heads disapprovingly or tittering nervously.
“Although my condition ensures I never have any trouble with discrimination,” said Abramson, “I maintain that total colorblindness is more of a curse than a blessing, as evidenced by Tuesday’s incident.”
-The Editors
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“Ah, Y’ Idiot!” Exclaimed Vehemently
Warren, Mich.— David “Dopey” Scaczynski, after getting snapped with a rubber band, let go of the lawn mower he was using, hurdled his father’s perfectly anodyne earmuffs at the driveway, and expostulated, “Ah, y’ idiot!” to his brother.
Scaczynski, whose OCD demands he mow the lawn in straight, undeviating lines while singing “I Can Show You the World” at the top of his lungs, was mowing his course while executing slight hops and singing loudly when his brother Tim sneaked up behind him and snapped him hard in the back of the neck with a rubber band. Scaczynski immediately grabbed his neck, turned around, saw his hulking brother, and assaulted the earmuffs while shouting his implication.
The earmuffs in question bounced off the cement driveway, spraying pieces of plastic everywhere, before they struck Scaczynski’s father’s brand new Chevrolet Colorado pickup truck, leaving a streak of grey along the side.
Scaczynski’s father stormed out of the house and demanded, “What is going on?” as his forehead vein threatened to burst through the skin. He walked to his new truck and allegedly stated, “Aw, great. I can’t have anything nice around here! Nice going!” before fuming back into the house and testing the mettle of the hinges.
Scaczynski’s brother walked to the truck and rubbed the grey plastic streak from the side of the truck with a slightly guilty look on his face. Scaczynski, on the other hand, stewed and seethed and showed absolutely no remorse for his unprovoked assault on the innocent earmuffs and truck.
After the earmuffs were replaced and the truck washed leaving no evidence of the ambuscade, things calmed down around the Scaczynski home with only a smarting red welt on Scaczynski’s neck to remind them of the unfortunate incident.
-The Editors
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Wind Abates, Answer Finally Flutters To A Rest
The blustery and pestiferous wind that has so long left unperceived the answers to life’s greatest mysteries has calmed, allowing experts to finally be able to say with authority that the number of ears one man must have before he can hear people cry is two.
For close to three generations the answers to the above and other similar questions regarding the nebulous number of times a man must experience certain things before accomplishing freedom, peace, and manhood have been blowing around just out of the common man’s reach, but all that changed as a placid, easterly breeze made all the answers suddenly and finally accessible.
For years, harsh, grating voices have sung songs that long for the answers that have recently become ubiquitous. They have mournfully and soulfully scratched their voices and harmonicas into the vinyl of America’s hearts only to seemingly resign themselves to lives of thwarted frustration. Much doubt exists about whether the youth who now have ready access to these answers will even regard them or understand the angst and dismay their parents and grandparents experienced in their futile efforts to discover the answers.
Those who have examined the now-available answers have by and large agreed that they [the answers] seem pretty obvious and that they don’t really understand what all the fuss was about.
-The Editors
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