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Alien Divorce Rate Spikes After Conquest, Settling Of Hollywood
Hollywood, Cal.— The assault on the Martian nuclear family is one unintended consequence of invading Hollywood, aliens are finding out the hard way.
As aliens have begun to grow accustomed to their new lives among the Hollywoodians who survived the initial carnage when Martian ships wiped out large portions of the Mecca of decadence, they have realized that the lifestyles of the Hollywood natives have begun to rub off on them.
“Business has really been booming for me,” said local marital counselor and psychiatrist J. Bingham Fernwellian. “These aliens have never dealt with the kinds of dilemmas and pressures they are receiving from society and all forms of media around here and are completely unable to cope. Many of them have run straight into the arms of drugs, alcohol, and infidelity. They fit in rather nicely with their earthling neighbors, actually.”
Fernwellian described one Martian couple who had been happily espoused for 454 earth years before moving to Hollywood only to watch their marriage crumble after they learned that differences could be irreconcilable. Both took jobs as extras in Will Smith’s latest alien picture where they met, fell in love with, and married other aliens on the set. Unfortunately, after only a few months both second marriages failed as well.
In addition to marital trauma, several aliens have made the unfortunate discovery as well that hotel rooms and “accidental overdoses” just don’t mix.
While Martian leaders and earthling leaders alike have promised to address the problem and help aliens make a smoother transition to life on earth, many aliens have already begun talking about leaving earth for a more family-friendly environment back on Mars.
-The Editors
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New York Mills, Minn., Quietly Concedes, “Sinatra Wasn't Singing About Us”
After over thirty years of obdurately insisting that Minnelli and Sinatra were singing about the 1.2-square-mile city in western Minnesota, the people of New York Mills finally announced that the song “New York, New York” was not about them.
When Sinatra popularized the theme song in 1980, local newspapers in New York Mills were abuzz with claims that they had “made it” and that they were finally on the map. The 972 residents of the city began creating banners and even had a parade in which they constructed a twenty-five foot papier-mâché likeness of Sinatra that promenaded down Main Street to the obstreperous accompaniment of the city’s newly adopted theme song. Unfortunately, Sinatra did not attend the parade to receive the key to the city or ride with the monstrosity, despite the hundreds of letters the city’s residents sent requesting his presence.
While city leaders admit they have privately acknowledged their blunder for several decades, they were silent about why they finally chose to go public with their admission. Mayor Gene Spring said, “Our residents still hold their heads high with pride and with some ambiguous association that links their proud hamlet to one of the premiere singers of the last century.”
Although Sinatra never answered any letters from the small city or even acknowledged he was aware of its existence before his death, New York Mills residents like to think he reserved a special place in his heart for them.
-The Editors
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Life Alert Asks Elderly To Fall Only During Business Hours Mon-Fri
Encino, Cali.— With economic cutbacks looming, the geriatric juggernaut Life Alert has decided to limit their service visits to normal business hours.
No longer will slipshod seniors be able to fall in the shower at their own leisure and expect someone to come running to their aid at all hours of the day or night. “What this forces the aged customers to do,” said Life Alert representative Al Knutson, “is to use discretion with their spills. We have seen a large spike in unrestrained and wanton mishaps among our customers, and it has really been costing [Life Alert] a lot of money to have people on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. We hope that after we implement our exciting new policies we will be able to pass a portion of the savings along to our senior customers.”
Knutson cited the familiar and oft affectionately parodied commercial in which an aged woman lies on the bathroom floor and clamors, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” while depressing her pendant as the reason so many expect responders to immediately answer their distress calls. “Actually,” Knutson said, “That was another company called LifeCall. Our registered trademark catch-phrase is a bit different. It is, ‘Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’ but I can understand why people might confuse them.”
Knutson said that Life Alert doesn’t foresee any problems with the new policy and believes seniors will acclimate to the idea of relegating their falls to normal business hours or will learn to keep family members on call for after-hour falls.
So far there has been no noticeable loss of customers, but the policy has only gone into effect last week.
-The Editors
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Newborn Remains Unphotographed Into His Fourth Hour
Kalamazoo, Mich.— Nurses and residents expressed shock and outrage at the Borgess-Lee Memorial Hospital when first-time parents Cary and Glenn Salgado allowed their newborn baby live for nearly four hours unphotographed.
“When I think of the precious memories that were not immortalized by their dereliction,” said Bobby Hanssen, male R.N., “I wonder if maybe the state laws about who can have and raise children shouldn’t be a whole lot more stringent. I feel bad for the kid in this situation—he is the real victim here. I don’t see how he has a chance in life with parents like that.”
For nearly four hours friends and family eager to follow the first moments of the infant’s life vicariously through photos were stymied by a barren Internet in which they would be more likely to see rolling sagebrush than pictures of Baby Salgado. Salgado’s profile page still displayed her last update about a particularly enthralling anecdote from a dining experience several days before the birth, and for nearly four hours, for all followers of Salgado knew, no baby had been born whatsoever.
For four hours, Salgado posted no pictures, emailed no updates, texted no friends, and, worst of all, didn’t even take photographs or video of the child for posterity. While hospital officials say they have never encountered such brazen neglectfulness in new parents, they don’t believe the parents have technically broken any child abuse laws, although they believe this event should be a wake-up call to lawmakers in the future.
The Salgados, who offered no reasons or excuses for their four-hour failure to photograph, assured reporters that they have indeed taken pictures now and offered social media sites as proof, but many people are saying that it is too little, too late.
-The Editors
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Stossel Insures Mustache For $65 Million
New York, New York— Stossel’s latest strategic move became a revealing divulgence regarding just how much of his professional success he owes to his thick and alluring signature ‘stache.
“When we look out at the fading art of growing well-groomed and urbane mustaches among our Hollywood and media elite,” said Hollywood mustache expert Johann Andron, “only a few truly noteworthy upper-lip adornments come to mind, including those of Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, and John Stossel. Even Alex Trebeck has thrown in the towel and denuded his upper lip, souring Jeopardy! For thousands of little old ladies across America who ‘always thought he looked nicer in a mustache.”
Stossel has kept his lip-plumage insurance numbers rather close to the chest until this year when one of his publicists leaked the dollar amount in an interview about Stossel’s time so far at Fox News. Stossel, who substantiated the number, said that he no longer minded if people knew that he feels a large portion of his professional success depends on his cookie duster. “It actually feels a bit liberating, and I am not ashamed to admit the number,” said Stossel in an interview with his former home, ABC News. “My mustache is as much a part of me as my winning smile and advocacy journalism.”
Stossel, the former 20/20 star, has enjoyed continued success at Fox News as he rides the mustache train and enjoys its “limitless opportunities.”
-The Editors
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Housecat Unimpressed When Owners Bring Home Second Baby
Lee’s Summit, Missouri— Laune and Kevin Stevenson were unprepared for the chilly reception their second child received when their kitty “Gus” walked past him without so much as a curious sniff.
“Oh great,” thought the American shorthair tabby cat when the Stevensons brought home their second child Max, “two more hands to grab my tail.”
It is true that the Stevenson’s firstborn son Matt has, on occasion, used Gus’s tail as a noisemaker, tugging until Gus screeched and ran for his life. Matt, in response, generally squealed in joyous rapture and chased Gus until all that was visible of Matt was his be-diapered bottom high in the air as he held the dust ruffle up and peered under the bed at the glowing eyes of the crouching kitty cat. One time, claimed the Stevensons, Matt grabbed Gus’s tail while they were on the couch and held on as Gus abandoned the couch, pulling Matt headfirst off the couch and onto a pile of pillows Matt had thrown down earlier.
The Stevensons claim, to Gus’s credit, that he has never batted at or nipped at Matt, but they expressed uncertainty about why Gus continues to make his tail available to the toddler. They remained baffled, though about Gus’s behavior upon meeting Max. “I guess we just figured he’d want to see who his new ‘brother’ was going to be, but he wanted nothing to do with him.”
Gus, who wonders when he is going to be consulted about major household changes and additions, remained aloof and had little to add other than some annoyed mewing that he had not been given his daily milk yet.
-The Editors
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