Armed Toddler Calmly Demands Nose Back

Moline Acres, Mo. – Gideon Nichols, a fun-loving and sometimes precocious toddler who evidently has ready access to firearms, took issue with his Uncle Ron’s purloining his pug at a family birthday party and decided to take action. Tensions rose quickly after the three-year-old left the room where his schnoz had been stolen and returned brandishing a loaded Sig Sauer P227 Nitron.

“At first we thought it was a toy gun,” said Nichols’ uncle Peter Harrison, a local law enforcement officer. “But the closer I looked at [the firearm] the more I realized it was real – and judging by the way he was holding it, he wasn’t messing around. I said, ‘That thing’s real, and he means it!’ By that time we were all a little nervous, and my foremost thought was to deescalate the situation before anyone got hurt. I knew the quickest way to do that would be to get Ron to concede Gideon’s nose and apologize for taking it in the first place. I said as much to Ron, but he can be a real stubborn idiot when he wants to be, and he just kept waving his hand around with his thumb protruding between his forefinger and middle finger knuckles as though it were Gideon’s nose.”

Harrison alleged that Ronald’s face changed quickly, though, when Gideon fired a warning shot through the ceiling. “That’s when Ron finally understood that the kid wasn’t messing around.”

Eyewitnesses claim that Ronald sheepishly pushed his hand toward Nichols’ nose and unfolded his hand, revealing that the nose was no longer in his possession and, presumably, back on Nichols’ face.

“It could have ended much differently,” said Harrison, “and it almost did. I’m just glad Ron finally gave in and returned the nose. He should never have taken it in the first place.”

-The Editors