Embedded Files
Henpecked Husband Welcomes Tinnitus
Burbank, Ill.— Henry Reddington knew for some time that something was wrong with his ears, but he chose to let the problem fester rather than receive treatment to help him hear his overbearing wife in crystalline clarity.
Reddington long guessed the problem before his otolaryngologist confirmed his suspicion and advised Reddington to begin treatment immediately. For Reddington, who believes a man should be able to spend his golden years with some modicum of peace and quiet, the decision was simple: he would allow the soothing waves of ringing and rushing in his ears to drown out his wife Gloria’s “constant nagging and caterwauling.”
Dr. Pellichero, who prescribed the treatment, said, “Ultimately the decision is his. People have varying degrees of tolerance for tinnitus, and apparently Mr. Reddington, whom I may or may not have treated due to doctor/patient privileges, is desirous to endure one noise over another.” Furthermore, Dr. Pellichero denied taking offense to Reddington’s recalcitrant refusal to regard his Rx remonstration.
Reddington alleged that his wife began screaming at him when he explained the outcome of the exam and his decision, to which he replied, “Eh?”
-The Editors
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Black Saddle Boots To Continue Making The Boots Real Cowboys Want To Wear
Rio Rancho, New Mexico— Since 1857, the Black Saddle Boot Company has boasted of making the boots real cowboys want to wear, and they assure their faithful customers that they will continue to make fine quality, handcrafted leather cowboy boots—from their new factory in China and under the new management of Wal-Mart.
For over a century, the discerning cognoscente of fine cowboy boots has demanded the quality workmanship, comfort, and dependability of the Black Saddle brand boots that, up until recently, have been custom made in Rio Rancho. Many Black Saddle enthusiasts, however, have expressed dismay and misgiving about the recent Wal-Mart acquisition of the cowboy boot juggernaut.
Cowboy Ed Vanderleeden of Texas said, “I reckon I don’t care too much for Black Saddle shipping oversees and getting bought out by Wally World. It seems to me the quality will plummet after the merge.”
Vanderleeden has worn Black Saddles exclusively in his time as a cowboy but fears he will have to find a new brand of boots now after more than thirty years of being a real cowboy.
“Black Saddles was like ridin’ on a cloud of marshmallowy cotton out rustlin’ cattle,” said Vanderleeden, “but they was tough as nails—tough as nails . . .” Vanderleeden trailed off as though speaking of a cherished loved one recently departed. “I tell you what, pardner,” Vanderleeden continued with renewed gusto and determination, “I’m gonna wear these babies until they fall off,” he said as he pointed to his current pair of Black Saddles. “Then . . . then maybe it’s time to hang up the lasso and call it quits. Me and the missus been talking for years about buying an RV and touring the country.”
Despite Black Saddle’s continued efforts to assuage their customers’ fears, many real cowboys feel the way Vanderleeden feels and fear they will have to find a new boot.
-The Editors
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With No Leads In Grisly Murders, Police Proudly Announce Clever Title For Killer
Lenexa, Kansas— With child-like excitement, authorities breathlessly announced at an impromptu press conference Thursday that although they had no leads on the numerous killings that have recently rocked this picturesque community, they have settled on a nickname for the slaughterer—the Lenexa exterminator.
Officers assured the public that countless hours of arguing and wrangling went into the decision, and numerous bulletin boards with pictures of similar slayings and the corresponding killers’ nicknames were spread throughout the department with care before the officers finally came to a consensus.
“It was a grueling twelve hours or so,” said police chief Rod Goodarzy, “and for a while it was touch-and-go when we were all wondering whether we’d settle on a name we could all get behind or not. With the media and family of the victims breathing down our necks with unrelenting pressure to put a name on the faceless killer, you can imagine how seriously we as a department took our task and how tense the emotions were among the officers. I am proud to say, though, that the brave men and women of the Lenexa Police Department delivered what I think to be a spectacular serial killer nickname, and we are proud to share that name with you today.”
The chief’s announcement of the name was greeted with jubilant cheers from the citizens who had been living in suspense for weeks now, with nerves stretched to the breaking point as they wondered whether they’d ever have a generally accepted name for the unknown killer.
“We hope that with this decision behind us,” said Chief Goodarzy, “friends and family of the victims can get some degree of closure and start to rebuild their lives.”
-The Editors
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Mother Assures Her Baby That His Detractors Are “Just Jealous”
Warren, Mich.— Each week, Marv DeScall compiles an itemized list of all disparaging remarks made to him by either his brothers, his coworkers, his wife, or his mother-in-law, and submits them to his mother who summarily dismisses each as pure jealousy of her precious.
DeScall, whose daily outfit includes a green hunting cap and snowmobile boots, has been brutally vilipended for his affinity for vended hot dogs and acerbic sarcasm but knows that each time he is verbally assaulted he can take refuge in his mother’s soothing assurance that such attacks are effectuated by hearts filled with jealous rage over the fact that DeScall is her precious and they are not.
DeScall, who rests confident that these assuagements are completely true, lords the news over his critics each week, announcing, “Mother said that you are just jealous.” DeScall remains baffled about why his announcements are rebuffed so obdurately by even more virulent vitriol and compiles the comments as further evidence to be submitted to his mother.
His mother claims that much of DeScall’s brothers’ jealousy stemmed from when she got a moving picture camera in DeScall’s infancy. She asserted that she allowed DeScall to monopolize most of the time on the business end of the camera because she had already missed the youths of the others and wouldn’t miss his.
DeScall, content to accept his mothers soothing words of comfort, does not subscribe to the camcorder theory but does agree that his brothers and any other cynics suffer from acute and oppressive jealousy.
-The Editors
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Local White Man “Unaware Of Anyone Who Watches Tyler Perry”
New Baltimore, Mich.— Wyatt Wolfsfeld remains baffled about the continual stream of new shoes and movies by Tyler Perry, claiming he has never met anyone who watched any movies or shows by Perry.
Wolfsfeld, who grew up in a predominately white suburban community, said he knew an audience for Perry’s work must exist for the franchise to thrive, but that he had no idea who that audience was. “I sit through commercial after commercial for the TV shows and see ad after ad for his new movies that he seems to be churning out like summer sausage, and I wonder, who is watching these? I have done a little informal survey among my friends from prep school, my soccer teammates, the cashiers at my favorite whole foods grocery store, and my golf colleagues, and I found not one that has ever even experimented with the show.”
Wolfsfeld said he did find one student who rented Madea Goes to Jail one time, but the student, Jose Eduardo Vasquez, a transfer student from Mexico, claimed that he mistook the film for Marea de fuego, the Spanish version of the 1991 film Backdraft starring Kurt Russell, William Baldwin, and Robert De Niro and stopped watching the film when he finally realized Russell was not going to be in it.
While Wolfsfeld admits his case rests almost completely on anecdotal evidence he has collected and admits that it is possible there are viewers of Tyler Perry’s work, he has yet to find one in his community.
-The Editors
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Postal Entrance Exam Drug Screen Results Revealed, Losers/Users Taunted By Non-Users
Troy, Mich.— After six of the twenty-one applicants attempting to secure jobs for the United States Postal Service failed their toxicology screening test at the plant testing facility, those who passed the test mocked, taunted, and ridiculed the six who had failed.
“Looking back,” said Troy Postmaster Lou Heinrich, “announcing a list of the applicants who had passed to all the applicants at once seems like a bad idea, but keep in mind we had no idea they would react this way. Hindsight is 20/20—you know?”
Heinrich said that they are “revisiting” their procedures for announcing who did and did not pass drug tests and that he hopes that the applicants who failed their drug tests and were maligned by those who passed will not level any lawsuits against the USPS, stating that such an act against an American institution would be “unpatriotic” with flag day so fresh in everyone’s mind.
While the unfortunate drug screening failures will not be eligible for a job at the post office, they will still be eligible to collect checks from the government that gives money to drug users only if the users are not actually providing the government with a valuable service in return.
-The Editors
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