Volume XXII Dec. 24, 2011

Web Surfer Alerted To Free Fry Friday Via Social Network, Thankful For Technology

Lakewood, Col.— Nathaniel Allen realized he’d nearly missed out on free French fries following a last minute surf of the Web Friday.

It was the last day of work for Allen before he was to begin his holiday hiatus when he decided to take one last look at his social media Website homepage and see if there was anything interesting awaiting his perusal. Allen claimed, “It was just seconds before I was about to shut ‘er down when I saw a post about someone getting their free fries from Burger King. I remember pulling pranks where we’d go to random drive-thrus and ask them for Free Fry Friday fries. It never worked, but someone must have taken the idea to the top because last Friday really was Free Fry Friday. I verified it on the Burger King Website, of course, but it was true. I stopped at two different Burger King locations and enjoyed an order of hot, delicious fries at each.”

Allen went on to explain a sudden epiphany: “As I was pulling away from the second drive-thru window, I thought, what would I have done had I not stopped to check the Internet one last time? I would be driving home right now fry-less and miserable. And that got me thinking about all the poor saps who never grew up with this technology and all the Free Fry Fridays that they may have missed. I didn’t get emotional, but I was sad for them and thankful that I am alive now.”

Allen has redoubled his dedication to social media sites and is looking forward to the next Web-based fast food event.

-the Editors

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Disillusioned Chump Realizes He Is Still Susceptible To Cold In Black The North Face

Berwyn, Ill.— Terrence Schneider was expecting everything except ever feeling a cold sensation again when he received his brand new black The North Face fleece this Christmas.

Schneider, who had been begging his parents for a black The North Face fleece for over a year now, finally saw his dream realized when he chose one present to open early, as is the custom in the Schneider household, and touched the warm, black magic splendor of his very own black The North Face. Schneider’s parents allege that he danced around the family room in delirious elation and immediately put it on over his pajamas before running out into the snow.

Schneider, who was not wearing the fleece, said despondently, “I thought it was going to replace every coat I owned like how those awesome knives on the infomercials replace drawerfulls of knives, but when I went outside and started running through the snow, I felt a chill. At first I couldn’t believe it and ripped it off to check the tags to make sure it was actually a The North Face, but sure enough it was. Then I asked my mom and dad if maybe they got it off Ebay because I know there are a lot of knockoffs on there, but they said they got it at the The North Face outlet store. I was crushed. This has been my biggest letdown since they told me Santa wasn’t real.”

Schneider’s dad said, “I really don’t know what that kid thinks. I mean, it was a thin little fleece—it would make a good layer, but it is not down-filled or anything. The kid talks about it like it is supposed to be woven by the gods or something. I bought it at the mall, not Middle Earth. Now I kind of wish we’d bought him something more practical. The jacket cost us $85, and now he doesn’t even wear it!”

Schneider has decided he will remain in his room until they can invent something “that can actually keep someone warm without having to wear thirty pounds of jackets.”

-The Editors

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Man Helping Friend Move Suggests Hiring Movers

Clinton Twp., Mich.— Joe Sherman, the outspoken driving force among a group of tired, played out, and jaded movers, shocked fellow movers with a bold strategy for ending the misery.

Sherman, who, along with his brothers and several other friends from church, had been filling truckload after truckload of things from the storage units where they were stored only to unload them and fill the new house with a staggering number of bulky, heavy, and cumbersome items, stopped as he prepared to lift the second full-size freezer from the truck and make the long trek down to the basement and said, allegedly, “You know, with the number of guys here, if we all paid like five bucks each, I bet we could rent some movers.”

The comment was reportedly met with mixed reactions ranging from snickers to gasps. Some of the movers were skeptical about the numbers Sherman projected, but most trusted the math of Sherman, a long-time accountant in the community and Christmas in Action volunteer shining with unbesmirched virtue.

In the end, the group opted not to hire movers, but the amateur movers did enjoy piping hot pizza compliments of the new homeowners. Although the move took close to nine hours, most of the movers agreed that the pizza did little to palliate the mental suffering and psychological pain inflicted on them. Time will tell what long-term toll the move actually did exact.

-The Editors

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Christmas Comes Early For Unsuspecting Local Father

Warren, Mich.— At several minutes past midnight in the first moments of Christmas Eve, Timothy Schwartz’s wife proposed he open his presents then since it was, after all, Christmas Eve.

Schwartz stated, “At first I was shocked by the boldness of her proposition, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. All day Christmas Eve and Christmas was wall-to-wall visiting of family, and so what better time to enjoy the intimacy of opening our presents without feeling rushed? The baby was already sleeping and we were both still up, so I agreed although I had to tell her that I hadn’t quite wrapped her presents yet, but she said it was fine and that she could open them Christmas morning.”

Schwartz successfully unwrapped his presents while sitting with his wife on their queen size bed and seemed “genuinely excited” about them, claimed his wife. She was pleased and felt she had “done good.”

Although normal protocol in the Schwartz household is to wait for Christmas morning, this unconventional break from tradition seemed to be a success. The Schwartzes, however, shy away from committing to giving the practice tradition status.

-The Editors

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Man Celebrates Affinity For Waffle House In Style

Novi, Mich.— Ben Slitcher, who has stopped at a Waffle House on every trip through states that have them, can finally exhibit his love for the famous breakfast food chain with pride and class by wearing his new T-shirt.

Slitcher, who has wearied loved ones by incessantly bemoaning his home state’s dearth of Waffle Houses, became euphoric when he opened a Christmas present from his doting and supportive wife and immediately donned the next best thing to an actual Waffle House—a yellow Waffle House T-shirt with the widely recognized block letters across the front that dot roadsides and exits across thousands of miles of American highways.

“This T-shirt,” said Slitcher, “is brilliant. When I walk into a room wearing it, nobody has to wonder what my favorite restaurant is or where I’d rather be right now. The only thing that could make this experience better is if I could be wearing [the T-shirt] while enjoying a hot, delicious Waffle House waffle, bacon, eggs, hash browns, and a bold, tasty Waffle House coffee in an actual Waffle House. I am Waffle House’s number one fan, and I have often said that Waffle House is the only lady who could ever entice me to leave this state.”

Waffle House, while not planning any restaurants in Michigan, is happy to sell their T-shirts via the Internet to Michiganders.

-The Editors

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Editors Use Final Article To Relay Sentimental Holiday Message To Readers

In an unorthodox if somewhat tacky move, editors at a prestigious satire news-based Website used their last article before Christmas to feed readers with a steady stream of clichés and platitudes about holiday good will.

This article, the first Christmas article published by the young site, ordered readers to “Have a merry Christmas,” and “enjoy the New Year with friend, family, and TSR.” The article went on to claim that without the readers, they would “still be churning out drivel just for the fun of it” and therefore they “owed no thanks or credit to the readers.”

While readers have grown fairly accustomed to being demeaned, disregarded, devalued, diminished, and disdained by the editors, some believe this holiday haranguing has gone too far and will cause many to discontinue their support of the site. To these threats, the editors of TSR replied, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all get a life.”

-The Editors