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Special Thanksgiving Edition
Demolished Burger King Strikes Confused Harry Potter Doppelganger As Odd
Warren, Mich.— A local boy hastily defended his recent outburst after coming under fire from his cousins.
Andrew Taylonette, a thirteen-year-old whose floppy locks are reminiscent of the early Harry Potter, was riding in his cousin’s Astro minivan with his brother and several cousins when several of the boys allege that Taylonette ebulliently emitted, “Closed for Remodeling!”
“I almost drove my Astro into a telephone pole because he brayed so loudly in my ear,” said cousin Timothy Schwartz. “His high-pitched voice was like a needle that scratched my eyeballs and grated at my eardrums.” Other eyewitnesses claim they heard the violent screaming from the minivan and assumed a young girl was being murdered as the van traveled northbound on Hoover Road that Saturday afternoon.
After further questioning, Taylonette claimed that when he looked at a corner where there used to be a Burger King, he saw nothing but a sign which, he alleged, read Closed for Remodeling. “It just struck me as odd,” claimed an incredulous Taylonette, “that they could say ‘Closed for Remodeling’ when the entire building was gone.”
Burger King officials claim that demolishing dated restaurants to rebuild newer and updated ones in their place is a fairly common practice and that they had no intention of causing confusion or of misleading people. “We hope that Mr. Taylonette understands our intentions and will frequent our restaurant when the new building is open,” said Burger King executive Carl Feaghello.
Since the alleged incident, the new Burger King has been built and is open for business. Taylonette, who has since begun a serious romantic relationship, asserted recently that, in a display of good will toward the Burger King franchise, he would be planning a date with his new girlfriend to the Burger King in question and hopes that a relationship built on the King’s food will withstand the test of time.
Friends and family of Taylonette, however, wonder if such a move is warranted and if taking this next step is indeed, to quote Taylonette’s cousin Schwartz: “Too soon?”
-The Editors
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Melancholy Sap Parodies Christmas Carol To Express Heartache
Fond du Lac, Wis.— One heartbroken wretch turned his sadness into song after being dumped like a truck this holiday season.
Philip DeMaguel, a junior at the UW Madison had been enjoying a long-term, meaningful relationship with who he thought was the girl of his dreams over the course of the past six months. This holiday season, however, he visited her in New Hampshire and sensed something was wrong.
“I couldn’t quite put my finger on it,” said DeMaguel, “but I knew something was not right. She was distant and lacked the excitement she had had when I came to visit before.”
DeMaguel’s now ex-girlfriend, Jenni Slovann, is a year younger than DeMaguel and attending community college while working and living with her parents. “I asked her if anything was wrong and she said ‘no,’ but by the end of the week, she admitted that she thought we should take a break. I was devastated, and as I watched her through the window of the taxiing plane, I knew it was over. She just stared through the airport window with a stony, emotionless look on her face. I have never felt so empty in my life. It was as though she died or became another person.”
DeMaguel alleged that she replied negatively when he asked if there was anyone else, but he admitted that he has since learned she had been on several dates with another young man and that the new romance began even before DeMaguel’s trip to New Hampshire. It was after learning this news about the inexorable ice queen that DeMaguel claims he put his feelings to paper with the inspiration of the holiday classic, “Here We Come A-Wassailing”:
Here I am in bed again between the sheets so warm
Here I am all curled up just like when I was born
And I feel so morose
And I know I’m bellicose
But you ripped out and stomped upon my tender heart this year
But you ripped out and stomped upon my heart.
And when I want to love again without a thought of you
And where I’d like to see me inside a year or two
Are two things that you stole
All I have is char-black coal
For you ripped out and stomped upon my tender heart this year
For you ripped out and stomped upon my heart.
DeMaguel is working on several subsequent verses and claims they will all reflect his newfound bleak, cheerless, and elegiac outlook on life and romance.
-The Editors
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Naperville, Ill.— Clayton O’Flaherty, a grad student at Northern Illinois University, speaks grandiloquently and carries a big thesaurus.
Friends of O’Flaherty say he always carries around books by Tolstoy or Dostoyevsky that he isn’t even reading so that people would ask him about them and think he is intellectual. Family members admit that they have always been somewhat annoyed by the long, grandiose emails he sends them full of turgid details about his academic pursuits and about the things he had published in the campus newspaper.
O’Flaherty’s cousin, Michael O’Flaherty, complained, “Clayton often has nothing really to say, but he will take a couple pages to say it. He throws in these random words that nobody uses—like he thinks we all know what they mean—he knows we don’t. And half the time I think he doesn’t even know what they mean unless he’s reading them out of a thesaurus. I don’t know if he thinks we are going to take the time to look them up or something. To tell the truth, I don’t even think most of us really read the emails. I will sometimes skim through to the end to see if he says anything interesting—which most of the time he doesn’t. He doesn’t even speak that way in real life, so I know he is just rifling through his stupid little thesaurus thinking he is impressing everyone with his loquacious pomposity. Not everything has to sound like a New York Times book review.”
O’Flaherty maintains that he chooses only words that clearly and exactly express what he means. “Words convey meanings—both denotations and connotations,” O’Flaherty lectured us. “Proverbs teaches that ‘a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver,’” he continued, portentously quoting Proverbs 25:11 of the King James Bible. “I think anything worth being said is worth being said well, and I will not settle for a word when another word out there is more fitting.”
O’Flaherty continued droning on and on about what a good feeling he gets when he reads something he’s written that he knows is done well, prattling about the “feeling of satisfaction” a well-stated piece gives him.
As of last week, O’Flaherty alleged that he has had “nearly two articles” published in the campus student newspaper and looks forward to someday creating his own publication.
-The Editors
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Young Journalist Shocks Her Fiancé’s Family With Lurid Article Rife With Expletives
Warren, Mich.— Carol Lewinski had it all after college—a new career at a local Detroit newspaper, an upcoming wedding, and a brand new puppy—until she scandalized her soon-to-be in-laws with lowbrow, coarse churlishness that violated their sensibilities and desecrated good taste.
Timothy Schwartz, her fiancé’s brother, claimed he came home and picked up the newspaper after a long day of delivering mail when the name of his brother’s fiancée caught his eye. “I noticed that she had authored a front-page article, and I was really excited for her until I began reading it.” Schwartz went to describe the sickening feeling he got as he read the article: “It was as though I’d just learned I had been adopted or that my father was a Russian spy. Every time I read a horrifying new vulgarity it was as if I was receiving a fresh wound. I just couldn’t believe that she was capable of writing those things, and the first thing I thought was that I had to let my brother know before he entered a lifetime commitment with this girl we all thought we knew.”
Schwartz claimed he highlighted the sections that could still be read while retaining any decency or good conscience and blacked out the parts that were too vulgar for his family’s eyes. He then tried his best to prepare his family for the blow they were about to receive.
To Schwartz’s dismay, his family all but shrugged off the incident as trivial. “It wasn’t even a swear word the way I used it,” claimed Lewinski. “It was an investigative report profiling a woman who lived through the Depression. In the article I quoted her comparing the Depression to a place of eternal punishment. That’s all. People say that about war all the time, and Tim blew it all out of proportion just to get a reaction out of everyone.”
There is no word yet on whether or not Lewinski has been disciplined by the newspaper for her language or if she still even has a job there. Her fiancé, however, claims he still has every intention to marry her despite Schwartz’s strongly urging him to reconsider.
-The Editors
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Local Man Refuses To Allow His Famous Chocolate Chip Cookies Become “Holiday White Noise”
Bay City, Mich.— Steve Morales made a tough decision to not bake his famous chocolate chip cookies this Thanksgiving—a decision for which he was later vindicated.
As Morales stood in the kitchen this past Wednesday, he allegedly asked his wife if she thought he should make his now-famous chocolate chip cookies that have been the belles of the ball at many occasions since he first lifted the recipe from the Internet just over a year ago and made it his own.
“My wife said I could if I wanted to,” said Morales, “but then I got to thinking and remembered that my mom would be making pumpkin pie and my brother would be making a couple pumpkin cheesecakes. People are going to eat those kinds of desserts at Thanksgiving no matter how good the cookies are, I thought, and I just didn’t feel [the cookies] would get a fair shake, so I said to my wife, ‘You know, I don’t think I will. There is going to be so much stuff there anyway, and I don’t want my cookies to just become white noise.’ Right away as I said it I knew it was pretty clever, and sure enough, with the pies, cheesecake, and my cousin’s tollhouse pies, the cookies would never have been appreciated as they should be. It was just one of those on-the-spot calls you make with the information you have and hope for the best—this time it was the absolute, spot-on right call, if you’ll pardon the pun.”
Morales has already baked a double batch of his cookies this year, and he plans to bake more as soon as an occasion arises on which they will receive “maximum enjoyment.”
-The Editors
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