THE PANIC BOOTH
(The setting is a phone booth with a man talking on the phone.)
TALKER- What are we having tonight?
(The Captain walks up approaching the phone booth from outside. He is dressed wearing blue overalls that say, "Burnham" above the sleeve pocket.)
CAPTAIN- Who are you talking to?
(The man in the phone booth looks at him and then looks away. Then the Captain gets anxious to know who he is talking to.)
CAPTAIN- Who are you talking to?
(The man cups the phone with his hand and looks towards the Captain.)
TALKER- You talking to me?
CAPTAIN- Yes, I'm talking to you!
TALKER- What?
CAPTAIN- Who are you talking to?
(The man leans forward looking at his shirt closer.)
TALKER- We was just going to burn ham!
(The Captain looks around in amazement as smoke passes by.)
CAPTAIN- Who's burning or cooking ham?
(A blonde walks up towards the phone booth from outside like a cashier holding up a prepared ham to ring up.)
BLONDE- I am………….. (She tallies her talzon really fast) We need a price match!
IT AIN'T EASY BEING A WIENER
(The image is a guy dressed like he's in a suit dressed up as a wiener with a hat.)
VOICE OVER- It isn't easy being a wiener because I am smacked, stroked, beat up, and abused all of the time by my owner almost every day. I have to wear this rubber suit and throw up all over myself. I have an eye I can't see out of. I have a head I can't think with. Worst of all, I have two nuts that are hanging around me every day. Another drawback is that my best friend is a uterus and my neighbor is a rear. Also I'm hanging there being useless all day long. I love to get out once in a while and hang out in the bushes. Sometimes I am too wet and have to take some time to dry off. Furthermore, last week I almost lost those two nuts hanging around me. And I always feel horny at weird hours of the night. And I never run away from girls chasing me all over town either. And another thing is that once in a while I make my owner angry so that he can call me a wiener.
IT AIN'T EASY BEING A UTERUS
(The image is a girl wearing a black mink dressed like a uterus.)
VOICE OVER- It isn't easy being a uterus because I am beat, spanked, reamed, and abused every single day. Sometimes my lips drool on my legs so bad that I have to go get a sponge and wipe it all of the way up. Sometimes I use Vaseline Intensive Care to spread them apart. Sometimes guys get me so I'm totally wet that I end up sweating. Many times I have to shave because my hair gets too long. My best friend is a wiener and my neighbor is a rear. My owner is always playing and paying attention to me like I'm some sort of toy. Some guys call me a hole while others call me a wench. There is also this little thing called a tampon I have to use and days after that the thing gets dumped and I go crazy.
AT A GLANCE
(The setting is a Rock on Well commercial as she shows off her glasses except this time she's out for Whigs. She is browsing around some sun glasses. She grabs a pair of Forster Grunt's to hide herself from a bald guy trying to scope her out.)
WELCH- Why is this guy following me; I wonder if he knows who I am?
(The bald guy stops over by some cologne and smells a sample before squirting some on himself to smell better for her. She walks away from the glasses and stops by her line of 2010 male Whigs displays.)
WELCH- Maybe I ought to pick him out a Whig and he'll look better to me or something.
(She looks around at a few then back at him and then compares another.)
WELCH- Which one is better, I think this one will do him?
VOICE OVER- At a glance, when you're being checked out and you know he's a baldy!
CHICKS ARE SHARKS
(The setting is a weight lifting room with one jock like guy lifting weights and the other jock is spotting him from behind ready to grab the heavy weights if need be at any time soon. They both are talking about dates).
SPOTTER- So when was the last time you went out on a date?
LIFTER- It’s been a while.
SPOTTER- What happened to the last date you told me about?
LIFTER- She was a jerk!
SPOTTER- What do you mean by that?
LIFTER- (AS HE PUSHES UP THE BARBELLS) I stayed there for three nights and she wouldn’t put out!
SPOTTER- I wonder why?
LIFTER- At first that’s what I wondered. She wore some baggy shirts like she was trying to hide something!
SPOTTER- What was she hiding?
LIFTER- Well, every time I tried to lift up her shirt she would wake up!
SPOTTER- And?
LIFTER- Then on the third day she was so tired I had my chance!
SPOTTER- And?
LIFTER- She had some weird scars all over like something bit her?
SPOTTER- And?
LIFTER- I didn’t know what to make of it!
SPOTTER- (THE SPOTTER DROPS THE BARBELLS ON HIS CHEST AFTER SPOTTING HIM A LITTLE BIT FOR A MOMENT) Chicks are sharks, you idiot! (THEN HE WALKS AWAY LIKE IT’S A JOKE).
(The chick holds up her shirt half way showing her shark scars mimicking.)
CHICK- Chicks are sharks, chicks are sharks!
A TREADMILL WORKOUT
(The setting is a Weslo Proform Line with the Jane Fonda Workout Treadmill being fabricated. The first action on the set is the board slapper who is a Jane Fonda female look-a-like who slaps a long rectangular sheet of plywood on the roller assembly line. The board slapper then pushes the board)
BOARD SLAPPER CHICK- Let’s works it!
FRAME BUILDER- She’s got a good frame!
ARM BUILDER- (First she bolts the treadmill arms on before saying) She’s got good treadmill arms!”
COMPUTER MODULE BUILDER- She’s got a good computer module!
FONDA- (As she jumps up on the roller line and tests the treadmill by running on it. She looks at the camera like she’s talking to the audience.) I am not a communist, I am not a communist!
(The camera pans to the claims building with some piled up claims with a treadmill of hers in black marker saying.)
FONDA IMPOSTER VOICE- I am not a communist, I am not a communist!
LOPEZ- (Jumps up on the roller line to test one out.) That looks fun that looks fun!
(Jane Fonda falls down and rolls down the treadmill and down towards Lopez who tries to revive her from a treadmill accident.)
LOPEZ- Wake up! Wake up!
We need a QC to come give us a hand!
(All of a sudden there’s a voice from off stage.)
VOICE- You need a what?
LOPEZ- (With a mega-phone.) I said I need a QC, Quality Control over here to check this treadmill.
(Lopez lifts Jane Fonda up and bangs her head on the treadmill like in her movie!)
Fonda- That’s a workout of mine if ever I worked one!
SWAT III
(The setting is the “Swat” film with the usual characters. The plot takes off as there is a fight between the swatters.)
VOICE OVER- You has seen them in the first “Swat” movie.
(The setting is the second “Swat” movie setting with a bogus scene.)
VOICE OVER- You has seen them in their second “Swat” sequel!
(The new setting is the third “Swat” set with Jackson dressed like a fly on the cereal box with black goggles with Rodriguez swatting him to the theatre seat.)
VOICE OVER- And you has seen them in their third final sequel.
Swat III!
STAND UP MATERIAL
Have you ever known a peeping tom named Tom? I never knew a Tom that peeped, but I knew a Jack or a Mike that did. Most Toms have their women already lined up.
Ever look at the guys who paint the street, half of the time they are painting the sidewalk. There are more lines on the sidewalk than the street anyways. Most of them are even fluorescent. Just walk out your door and pick a color.
George Washington the Father of our Country, like he was really on the front line. The soldiers in the front lines couldn't have kids. They were mistaken when they said he chopped down the cherry tree. He was behind the lines popping all the cherries. He wanted a perfect soldier so he had to have one on his own.
It tore and ripped him up before he even said one or two words. Those oatmeal cookies really made him stare and space out, kind of like a burned out light bulb or flashlight. He doesn't even have a night light, just a for sale sign. That's what happens when you don't leave a deposit.
Dates are expensive. I had one date that took me to a video store saying, “Have you seen this, have you seen that?” Then she said,“Have you seen “Some like it hot” with Marilyn Monroe?” And I said, “No but I’ve seen Playboy with here.”
Her mother was pretty expensive too with renting movies. So expensive that I had to put my credit card in my dog's name. Then a couple months later a creditor called my house, "Is Sparky there?" And I said, "No, he's out tonguing and licking himself right now, and then he has a few holes to dig and a few female snowsers to sniff, can you call him on that credit card and American Express later?"
Have you ever seen a dog smell another dog's behind at a dog spectacle. I don't think so, "Sniff, sniff, she's in first place you bowsers!"
Sometimes I try to talk to Spanish speaking girls but it's pretty hard, sometimes I wonder why I even took Spanish Classes because I don't really get with any of them anyway. Maybe I should have stayed in French Class, by now I could be eating Quiche Lorraine with a sip of French Wine.
Why in the Army do they have guys dressing up like a tree and calling it fashion? Now days they even dress in brown like a tird coming at you. I've heard of tirds coming out of the poop chute, but not hitting you with a peep shot, "We'll send our tirds over and poop on them."
I watched this guy try to hit the curb. Man you have more guys riding or driving on the darn sidewalk rather than the darn street, "Why don't you park your car and drive a darn shopping cart." Some guys drive down the wrong way rather than the right way. Well, who has ever known any man to do things right?
After all of the trials and errors from working on cars I just once want to kick an engineer's rear. They put stuff in the wrong places on cars. You used to be able to check the motor oil, now days you have to be a dip head to check the dipstick.
I'm just very glad the engineers designing women textiles aren't as screwed up as car designers. They design cars so you can't get to things and all we need is some designer women making it hard to get women's clothes off. She has five belts, a dead bolt, and a burglar alarm. If you touch her it goes off. She'd be like, "Well I didn't want just any Tom, Dick, or Harry to play with my Warner's or Mudd Braw!"
If they were wearing an ionizing bracelet you know they were getting their butts pricked, "Oh yeah, I don't feel anybody pricking my behind anymore."
The reason this girl hangs at the gas pump is because she thinks they're aliens with big things. If they were they sure could wrap theirs around themselves twice and stick it in their ear.
Why do they call it a wake when the person is dead? The only ones getting up early are the ones alive. Is it a funeral or a séance?
I have this burn on my arm because my girlfriend decided to cook inside. She started a grease fire. Then quickly as I could I went to grab the fire extinguisher--bang, my cat runs by nearly tripping me as I'm playing with it outside. Never throw water on a grease fire, especially when you are stark naked. The only thing there was to do was grab a blanket to grab it and take it outside. Instead of a blanket I get thrown a nighty gown and then we were both stark naked. So immediately I took the grease fire and headed towards the door. That's the moment some of the grease had hit my arm and gave me a scar. The rest of the grease went downward. Where did it go? Where did it go? We shouldn't speak about that one anyhow! Afterwards for some reason there was a noise still. "Baby, why is the stove still turned on?" She replied, "For some reason I must have forgot to shut it off, holy crud I cooked my coffee mug."
Did you hear about the owner of an Auto Glass Company dying, "Come to our Auto Glass and we'll fix your windshield and give you 24 free dinners? Turn in that hooker chick and we'll give you 300 free dinners, turn in the gay guy and we'll give you a massage.
If you eat at a restaurant that serves chilis you know when you're hungry again, your rear stops burning.
Ever notice how condom machines say protect you and your partner, when I use them I'm trying to protect myself from my partner.
Sister Mary remembers what I did as a central figure, but my ex won't remember at all.
With this last chick I went out with you don't need to touch the thermostat unless you're still sweating. Having a date is better than having a lay, at least with a date you can go out to eat.
I'm tired of chicks wanting me to take a chance; the last time I nearly took a chance I found out they had herpes! Well there's always other fish out in that sea, well who wants to date a fish?
I have so many things in my pockets; I'd drown if I went swimming. Mr. T wears so much gold around his neck I bet you he never goes surfing.
On TV they showed a woman that lifts weights. Real sexy, she can wear a dress and tear up the town. Maybe when she takes a man out on a date she takes him for some barbells. Then after they're real sweaty they'll cruise to the Jacuzzi so she can steam her thyroids.
Whenever I have to send something I take it to the Postmaster. They don't even lick the stamps anymore. Now the Postmaster girls use that sticky stuff. They were the best licks when it was a quarter. Now they charge more for less tongue. Pretty soon they'll sticky the envelopes then they'll charge more for less French.
If you were a roadie would you want to work for George Strait? No, I want to work for him drunk!
If he opened a restaurant called Bubba's Coot, would you eat there?
Have you ever watched that show "Where the Heart is?" After watching the scene where she grabs the old man by the you know what, they should have called it, "Where his nuts went!"
One night I met this gay guy named Pookie; I thought it wasn't a name and that he was just hinting to me. And it was the way he said it, "Pookie." The next time he meets someone he's interested in he should just say, "Pookie you in the rear."
And that Spider Man movie did pretty great at the box office for a weekend flick. I mean he took in more in one weekend than Superman and Batman combined together and he has a smaller jock strap. With those box office records even Captain America couldn't fit in that one.
I met this guy from another state and he said his best pick up line was "Good Stuff." Then he said if you can find a chick with more than three teeth you found yourself a snag. Where does he pick up girls at the dentist's office?
My friend said he lost his girlfriend, but then he said he could go back to his babysitter he had a while before; she's the only chick he can get for a $1.50 an hour.
I asked my friend in Utah if he would like to check out Play it again Sports, he thought I meant an adult shop.
Ever watch the Dukes of Hazard. You know if I was the Duke boys and Daisy ran over my hood in front of me with them tight shorts, I don't think I would want to jump in to the General. I mean who's the man in the show. It seems to me that the Duke Brothers are too busy chasing after fat hog. While the only one getting any is old Jesse who is a smart cripple playing them for a fool and his posse Roscoe who just points the Basset Hound towards Boss Hog and he barks.
It must be hard to get a good modeling advertisement for yourself these days. There are many models just waiting by the phone for work. Many of them are lucky to get another panty or bra strap for themselves. Some guys like a number of the rocking rollers, for example, some rappers just walk across stage and gets a drawer full. Even many rappers' Grandfathers have more panties and bras lying around than a model.
Why is it that some people think life is a strip tease or strip show? Some women go so far as to using see through canoes to get the job done. It might turn a shark like Jaws on a little. Is this true? I don't know, who do I look like Roy Scheider, (With a cigarette hanging out of his mouth) Mother…….. Mother Fokker.
After studying lots of cinema I started wondering who would be the funniest cinema character at a strip club. And I think the answer is Benjamin from "The Graduate." Instead of a three cut scene to Misses Robinson and her naked tan line in the back room somewhere, we could have Benjamin getting a four cut table dance, "Oh God……..Oh God……..Now get that dollar out of your outfit. Oh God, oh God! Now get off the table, get off the table. Open the door, oh God, open the door, and let me out of here!"
Even the ET movie takes up a whole week of cinema class; I guess he really does have an extra testicle that's coming home.
Most people are jerks anyhow; most people can be compared to anthropology. Most people are like the Yanomami of Venezuela. Most people don’t just try to hold you up like a prick. Most people have their pricks tied up by a string like the Yanomami because they’re freeloaders hanging around begging all day long.
The End