INTRODUCTION
The comedy book entitled “More Onstage Comedy Material” is another original comedy book of skits and jokes featured as stand-up routines which were written by the author Rodney Soroka.
PROLOGUE
The comedy book entitled “More Onstage Comedy Material” is an original material comedy book which was written by the author Rodney Soroka. All of the comedy skits and one-liners were written and collected by him through years of hard work and dedication.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PRESIDENTIAL MEETING
THE RICH AND THE SNOBBY
THE LOAN RANGER
THE GAMBLING GUN
DIE HARD BATTERY
THE BOOTLEGGERS
WHAT A FORTUNE
THE FAMILY FOOLS
DIRTY MOUSE AND THWACKING BIRD
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
MOLE MAID
THE X-FIGHTERS
AIN’T YOUR MOMMA
PEN-PAL
ROYAL FLUSH
BAD GIRLS
KICKING IN THE SHEETS
MR. SCAMMER
STAR TRICK
IN DEEP TROUBLE NINE
RHINESTONE TOMBOY
PLUG IT IN
MEANT TO LAY TOM
FREAKING SICK
PAD DICK POOLS
FLASHED DANCED III
FEEL LIPS AND ATTORNEYS
WISH LAUNDRY DETERGENT
I LOVE LUDCY
FEEL LIPS AND ATTORNEYS
WISH LAUNDRY DETERGENT
I LOVE LUDCY
GENERAL HORSEPITAL
DAYS OF OUR LIES
YOUNG AND THE USELESS
RYAN’S JOKE
ALL MY DEGENERATES
ONE LOSER TO LIVE
GIVING LIES
AS MY STOMACH CHURNS
OLD AND THE UGLY
PORT HARRY
DAWSON’S GEEK
WHO NEEDS PHILOSOPHY
TROJAN HAG
BAYER
RUDE FAST FOOD LAND
RUDE FAST FOOD LAND II
BARKINATOR
WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS
ALL NIGHT
BUSTALOS
BLOCK PARTY
SASSY MOMMA
STREET MAMMY
MET A MULE SO
SURE THING
DRAGGING IT
THE GRAMMY AWARD
STUTTERING SINGER
MATH SON
MAC AND RUN OUT
GET CHEAP
GET ARGUING
NAPPING AUTO PARTS
TURNED FOR SOME HOOCHIE MOMMA
BACKSTAGE LUNCHMEAT
SKID SOME ROWS
THE PANIC BOOTH
IT AIN’T EASY BEING A WIENER
IT AIN’T EASY BEING A UTERUS
AT A GLANCE
CHICKS ARE SHARKS
A TREADMILL WORKOUT
SWAT III
STAND UP MATERIAL
PRESIDENTIAL MEETING
(The setting is with Ronald Reagan sitting in a chair at the Presidential Reunion. Bill Clinton walks up to him.)
BILL- Hey Ronald how are you doing?
It's your Presidential friend Bill Clinton; we had dinner together last week.
(Ronald Reagan starts looking at his little book he carries around with him entitled "People I know.")
RONALD- Do I know you?
BILL- Yes, you come over to my house all of the time for dinner.
RONALD- Well, I don't see your name in my book. I must not know you.
(Bill Clinton reaches for the book.)
BILL- Let me see that book.
(Bill Clinton writes his name in the book.)
See it is right here, Bill Clinton buddy.
(Al Gore walks up to Ronald Reagan as well.)
Al- Hey Ronald how's it hanging?
RONALD- Do I know you?
AL- Of course, its Al Gore the Vice President, we had a double date last week, Tipor and me and you and Nancy.
(Ronald looks in his book of names he knows once again.)
RONALD- Well, I don't see your name in my book.
Al- Let me see that book.
(Al Gore grabs the book from him and writes his name in it next to Bill Clinton's name.)
AL- It's right here!
(Then Al Gore hands the book back to him.)
See its right there, Al Gore buddy.
RONALD- Oh, it says you're my buddy.
AL- Of course I'm your buddy.
(His wife Nancy Reagan comes walking up.)
NANCY- Come on Ronald, are you ready to go to McDonalds and get something to eat?
(Ronald Reagan looks at her funny like he doesn't know her.)
RONALD- Do I know you?
NANCY- Of course you know me, I'm your wife Nancy.
RONALD- Well, I don't see your name in my book!
NANCY- Give me that book!
(Nancy Reagan grabs the book from Ronald Reagan and scribbles her name in it along with something else.)
NANCY- There it is Nancy Reagan wife and buddy.
RONALD- I have a separate list.
(Nancy takes the book back from him.)
NANCY- No you don't.
VOICE OVER- Alzheimer's disease it can strike anyone, even a loved one. Don't let it happen to yours!
THE RICH AND THE SNOBBY
(Robin Leach is sitting on his yacht. He is in a lawn chair sipping a Pina Colada.)
ROBIN- Hi, I'm Robin Leach and today we are here with more of the Rich and Snobby. And today I have a very special guest on my show if she ever gets here. It must be hard to walk around in those parachute pants.
SFX- PLANE OVERHEAD
(Suzy lands on the yacht sky diving with a parachute.)
ROBIN- Oh, here she comes right now the one and only Suzy Cheap Stick.
(Suzy hits the deck. He starts talking before she gets up.)
SFX- SUZY SCREAMS
ROBIN- Suzy I never thought you'd make it!
SUZY- My word is as good as the other ski bunnies Robin.
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know! Your hair's a mess Suzy. Did you pay the water bill?
SUZY- You try jumping from a thousand feet and see if your hair looks like you might have left it.
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know. So how did you get the Cheap Stick Commercials Suzy?
SUZY- Well, I slept with a lot of different guys, you be surprised how many.
ROBIN- Like how many did you sleep with Suzy?
SUZY- Oh, just a handful!
ROBIN- Did you sleep with anyone famous?
SUZY- Well, you know Andrew Dice Clay, I slept with him. David Lee Roth and I slept with him. You know Clint Eastwood, I made his day!
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know!
SUZY- Well, you know now.
ROBIN- Is that mayonnaise on your lips or did you just get off work Suzy?
SUZY- I just got off work! It's clear Cheap Stick!
(She puts more Cheap Stick on her lips and sits down with some RTV Silicone Gasket.)
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know.
SUZY- Well, you know now.
(Robin picks up the Cheap Stick and then the silicon gasket.)
ROBIN- What's this Suzy?
SUZY- Oh, that's silicone gasket I use it so my lips won't get chapped. I tell the guys to hang on it drives in five minutes baby!
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know.
SUZY- Well, you know now.
ROBIN- I thought the Cheap Stick was to keep your lips from getting chapped.
SUZY- Well, not when I have a photo shoot and I run out of Cheap Stick and my lips are cracked.
ROBIN- Oh, I wouldn't know. Well, there we have it! One of the best snobby stories if ever I heard one and my lips aren't chapped. Come back next week and we'll have another rich snob just for you. Goodnight!
THE LOAN RANGER
(Tonto is sitting on his horse and Kimosabe comes out of the Pawn Stables with $20 dollars and leaves Silver off to the right.)
TONTO- Come on masked man, we have to go before your horse Silver blows the stables before you return blowing a whistle!
(The Loan ranger jumps on the back of Tonto's horse and they both ride off.)
RANGER- Who was that Indian girl in the camp dress at your birthday party?
TONTO- Oh that was Little Virgin!
RANGER- I didn't know she was a virgin!
TONTO- She's only a virgin until the ceremony tomorrow. Then after she is Tee Pee sweated she gets to sleep with the drunkest Indian at the Pow Wow!
RANGER- What's a Pow Wow?
TONTO- It's a ceremony where we get rid of all of the virgins by getting them to wear easy dresses so when the Indian men get it easy once, they'll want it twice.
(Tonto and the Loan Ranger ride around the corner. Then they ride up to the bank. The Loan Ranger walks in the bank. He walks to a counter grabbing a Loan Application Form. He fills it out and then walks over to a Loan Agent sitting at a desk and sits down in front. The Loan Agent looks at it for a moment and then begins to read his choices and checks them off.)
LOAN AGENT- Your mother was never born!
Your dad is a rookie! But you don't look Indian?
(He points to Tonto sitting outside with his horse.)
RANGER- No, but I sure just bought one!
You're not going to discriminate a man wearing a mask?
(The Loan Agent looks at him and smiles. He then stamps it. The Loan Ranger takes the Loan Application Form from the Loan Agent and walks over to a female teller.)
FEMALE TELLER- With that kind of money, you should take me and that Indian out!
RANGER- Maybe once I pay off my Payday Loan I'll come pick you up and take you out to a Pow Wow and buy you an easy dress like his sisters wear.
FEMALE TELLER- I don't wear dresses too much because none of them are easy to get around in!
TONTO- (LOUD) Come on masked man, we've got to go so we can make our Payday Loan payments.
(The Loan Ranger jumps on back of Tonto and his horse as they head back to the stables. Eventually they make their Payday Loan payments and ride by Silver sitting at the Pawn Stables.)
SFX- I O SILVER AND AWAY
(Silver comes jumping over the stables as the Loan Ranger jumps from Tonto's horse over to Silver and they ride off.)
RANGER- So where do we ride to pick up some more Pay Day Loans Tonto?
TONTO- I figure we should go to the town of Medicine Bluff!
RANGER- Isn't that the place where Geronimo jumped off and killed himself?
TONTO- Yes, that stupid man. You take one look down and you know he was stupid!
RANGER- I can't wait to see that cliff.
TONTO - We'll stop there on the way to the Trading Post so I can pay off my beavers I borrowed the last time.
THE GAMBLING GUN
(The Naked Gun siren spinning around on the top of a casino cart stocked with poker chips and pull tabs. The shot is a point of view from the front of the casino cart. The casino cart continues driving around until it passes where the Captain and Frank Drebin are standing. The Captain points to someone while they both stand and observe the suspect scammer.)
DREBIN- There he is over at the craps table!
CAPTAIN- Why don't we try to get a closer look Frank to see what he's up to?
DREBIN- What a great idea, I'll go jump in to this card game at the table he is at?
(Drebin sits down at the craps table as the card dealer looks at him.)
CARD DEALER- Are you in this game?
DREBIN- Yes, I'm in for 200 dollars in chips?
(The card dealer hands him some blue chips and then the card dealer gets ready to shuffle the deck a few times. He then deals out the cards as everyone begins to look at their hand.)
DREBIN- (LOOKING AT HIS HAND OF CARDS) Hit me!
(The card dealer punches Frank Drebin in the nose.)
LADY PLAYER- Hit me!
(The card dealer punches her in the nose.)
BLACK PLAYER- Hit me!
(The card dealer punches the black player in the face.)
SCAMMER SUSPECT- Hit me!
(The card dealer punches him in the face.)
DREBIN- Hit me again!
(The card dealer punches him again and knocks him down on the floor.)
WHITE PLAYER- A pair!
(The card dealer punches him in the face with both fists at the same time.)
LADY PALYER- I hold!
(The card dealer has a fist ready but just looks at her.)
SUSPECT SCAMMER- I fold, these cards knocked the craps out of me!
(The suspect scammer leaves the table and gets away. Just then Frank Drebin gets up and scampers back to his chair, although he doesn't see the suspect scammer anymore.)
DREBIN- I fold!
(The card dealer looks at him and nods his head. Frank Drebin then leaves the table to go look for his Captain. Frank Drebin finds the Captain flirting with one of the waitresses instead of watching the game and watching Frank's back.)
DREBIN- Where did he go?
CAPTAIN- I thought you were watching him Frank?
DREBIN- I was, but those cards sure knocked the craps out of me!
CAPTAIN- To bad he wasn't a spin the wheel type of scammer Frank. Well, he must be around here some where's!
DREBIN- Let's looks over there!
CAPTAIN- Good idea Frank you look over there and I'll catch up to you when I'm done talking to this cute waitress.
DREBIN- Sure, and I'll come back when you've had ten drinks and are passed out on the floor by a poker machine for a night cap.
CAPTAIN- Don't act so negative Frank!
DIE HARD BATTERY
(The "Knock-It-To-Me" building where LA's finest Officer Al is outside trying to radio someone to see if there are any hostages.)
AL- Can anyone hear me on this radio up there?
JOHN- I can hear you!
AL- Who is this?
JOHN- This is John McClain, I'm a cop and we have a bunch of hostages that have the munchies and are screaming for food up here!
AL- I'm a cop too and the whole Police Force is out here!
JOHN- That's good! I'm getting hungry has the Meat Wagon or Donut Truck come by yet?
AL- They don't come by until first break.
JOHN- Well, I'm really hungry. I might have to eat a hostage or something.
SERGEANT- Hey, let's not eat any hostages!
JOHN- Well then, could you get me some donuts and a cup of coffee and knock-them-up-to-me.
SEARGENT- The donut truck will be here shortly.
JOHN- I am also scratched up pretty bad. Can you knock-up-to-me a first aid kit.
SERGEANT- I'm waiting on agents Johnson and Misses Band-Aid right now, they should be here shortly.
JOHN- I hope they hurry. I'm in the mood for a cinnamon donut.
SERGEANT- While we're waiting talk to Al.
(The Sergeant hands the microphone back to Al.)
Al- I heard a rumor that you were like a Nuclear Power Plant in the Force?
JOHN- Just a Die Hard Battery Al!
AL- So how's your honey?
JOHN- She's doing fine. I thought I'd get her a couple of donuts too.
AL- The donut truck is here now with those agents.
JOHN- About time!
(Al and the Sergeant are standing there as agent Johnson and Misses Band-Aid approach them both.)
JOHNSON- I'm agent Johnson and this is agent Band-Aid no relation. So how is John McClain doing up there? Let me talk to him!
(Al hands agent Johnson the microphone.)
JOHNSON- We have your band aids and donuts, how's the hostages?
JOHN- They are probably hungry by now!
JOHNSON- I don't have enough donuts here for all of them.
JOHN- Well, knock-them-to-me, I'll eat a few before the hostage's even notice. Now you band aid dudes aren't going to cling to me.
JOHNSON- No the saying goes; I'm Agent Johnson and misses Band-Aid only sticks to me.
THE BOOTLEGGERS
(The Bootleggers are in the recording studio trying hard to make an album. Paul is singing with a new English accent.)
SFX- SINGING
"It's been a hard day's Night, and we're trying to sing this song. But when I get home to you I find out that my singing is through, am I singing alright."
BAND MANAGER- Cut, cut, you guys sound terrible! You sound like you have a bunch of potatoes stuck in your mouths.
RINGO- But we are from England and everybody from England sings like they have a potato stuck in their mouth.
BAND MANAGER- That doesn't mean that you have to sing that way.
PAUL- In England we even sing like that.
BAND MANAGER- Well, that doesn't sound like no accent. Now come on and get some tempo or have that Japanese girl sing chorus. This time let's make it better!
(The band manager leaves the recording studio. They go back to the singing with a little better of a tone.)
SFX- SINGING
"It's been a hard day's night and we are trying to sing this song, but when I get home to you I find out that my singing is through, and it makes me feel alright. When I'm home everything seems to be right. When I'm home I seem to be singing tight, yes."
(The band manager comes in again.)
BAND MANAGER- Cut, cut, you all sound like a bunch of finches! I know birds that can sing better through their beaks or peckers.
JOHN- But we told you we are from England and everybody knows we all have an accent around here.
BAND MANAGER- Well, this is America and we don't sing like that in this country. How do you think Richie Valens made it? He didn't sing like he had a taco or burrito stuck in his mouth or like someone threw him a tortilla. He sung like a Mexican-American. He didn't sing like he was south of the border.
GEORGE- So what are you going to do boot the Bootleggers out of the studio?
BAND MANAGER- If you guys can't get it right then you leave me no choice.
YOKO- Now, now, chow me now man…………..I sock it to you!
BAND MANAGER- Now look at you guys. Let's quit getting out of hand. Shouldn't she be doing chorus or something? Shouldn't someone hand her a harmonica or tambourine.
YOKO- Let him sings it to you or I get the ginsu!
BAND MANAGER- Now look, why don't you try one more time, but try using some lip openings or something.
PAUL- My lips are open when I'm singing.
BAND MANAGER- I mean try using some structural lip openings like I showed you in the voice and diction book I put together for all of you. Did you all read the first couple of chapters?
RINGO- Yes, we all read them together and we practiced together.
BAND MANAGER- Okay well, let's get it, remember those lips.
(The band manager leaves the studio again for the last time.)
SFX- SINGING
"It's been a hard day's night; I need the money I'll sing it right. So when I get home to you, I find the things that you do, am I singing alright?"
BAND MANAGER- Better you guys! That sounds much better! We are going to move up in the world now!
WHAT A FORTUNE
(The set is a game show like the "Wheel of Fortune." The host of the show Tap on the Back comes out and heads to the "What of Fortune" wheel. Very Wise comes out and stands next to the word puzzle boxes.)
HOST- Welcome illiterate people and people who don't know English to the "What a Fortune" show. This is a show where you spin the wheel and score money by choosing letters to solve a puzzle. This is my assistant Very Wise. And you all know me Tap on the Back.
(Very Wise puts on some glasses to look smarter.)
HOST- And here are our special guests.
(All of the special guests on the show wave to the audience.)
Our number one guest on the right used to be a car thief until he got a pacemaker.
Please meet Slick!
(Slick waves to the audience and then nearly touches his filthy greasy hair.)
HOST- And the woman next to him is a town slut because she stays home and acts like one.
Please say hello or flip a fifty to Jessica Hun!
(Jessica Hun waves to the audience.)
And the special guest all of the way to the left is a high school dropout and says that one day he hopes to be a business man and make a debut in any one of the Fortune Magazines.
Please meet Hip!
(Everybody waves together as Very Wise waves to the audience from the back of the set.)
The category of the phrase tonight is about something in this room. I guess the first to spin is you Slick.
SLICK- Right on!
(Slick spins the wheel and lands on 50 cents.)
HOST- You landed on fifty cents that's enough to buy a vowel.
SLICK- Well, I would like to save a quarter and buy a consonant. I would like to buy a letter k instead for a quarter.
HOST- Is there a k?
(A capital letter k pops up within the word phrase.)
I guess that's the only k!
Slick gets to spin again.
(Slick spins the wheel again as it turns and turns around landing on a $0.)
HOST- Nothing that's too bad, but you have enough to buy another consonant.
SLICK- I'll pass and save my money!
HOST- Jessica it is your turn.
JESSICA- (SMILING) Good!
(Jessica Hun spins the wheel and it turns around and around before landing on $1 dollar.)
HOST- $1 dollar is enough money to choose two vowels or four consonants.
JESSICA- Well, I would like to buy a vowel and two consonants. I would like to buy a letter a.
HOST- Do we have a letter a?
(Very Wise uncovers a letter a.)
We have one!
JESSICA- Also I would like to buy a letter t and an h!
HOST- Do we have a letter t and a letter h?
(Very Wise uncovers a letter t and a letter h within the word phrase.)
We have one of each. You can spin again; actually we have two t letters.
(Jessica Hun gets ready to spin again.)
JESSICA- Let's get a good roll, I'll roll it like I did to my boyfriend.
(She spins again and it lands on the $1.50 mark.)
HOST- That gives you enough to buy 3 vowels or 6 consonants.
JESSICA- I'll by a letter e.
(Very Wise uncovers a letter e as it lights up like all of the others.)
HOST- We have two e letters.
JESSICA- I'll also buy a letter f.
HOST- Is there a letter f?
(Nothing happens.)
HOST- There is no letter f!
JESSICA- I'll buy a letter y.
HOST- Is there a letter y?
(Very Wise uncovers a letter y.)
JESSICA- Last I want to buy a letter u.
(Nothing happens.)
HOST- There is no letter u!
Hip it is your turn.
HIP- Wow that's hip!
(Hip spins the wheel and scores $1. dollar.)
HOST- You scored a dollar, what a fortune that is huh?
HIP- That's hip!
HOST- You can say that again.
HIP- Really, I would like to buy a J.
(Nothing happens.)
HOST- I'm sorry we have no letter j!
HIP- I was talking about the kind you smoke!
HOST- I'm sorry Hip but we don't do that on this show.
HIP- Okay, I'll buy a letter m!
HOST- Do we have a letter m?
(Very Wise uncovers a letter m.)
HOST- We sure do!
HIP- And now sell me a letter o!
HOST- Do we have a letter o?
(Very Wise uncovers two o letters.)
HOST- We has two o letters!
(Hip gets ready to spin again.)
HIP- I'll spin again!
(Hip spins the wheel again and gets a 0.)
HOST- You got nothing.
HIP- That's not too hip!
HOST- No its snot.
Well, it's your turn to spin Slick!
SLICK- Right on!
HOST- So why do they call you Slick?
SLICK- I got on this show.
HOST- You are right, that's pretty slick!
LICK- I still have a dollar and I would like to buy a letter r.
HOST- But you haven't even spun!
(Slick spins again and lands on a $1.dollar.)
SLICK- That gives me two dollars, I would like to buy a letter r.
(Very Wise uncovers a letter r.)
HOST- We has one r!
Slick- I would also like to buy a letter p!
(Nothing happens.)
HOST- There is no letter p!
HIP- My turn.
HOST- That’s right Hip go ahead and spin the wheel.
HIP- I would like to solve this phrase.
HOST- Go ahead Hip!
JESSICA- Hey, isn't it my turn now?
HOST- Oh sorry Jessica, it is your turn.
HIP- That's pretty hip!
HOST- You can say that again Hip!
Are you trying to skip Jessica's turn; pretty slick Hip?
JESSICA- Well, I think I'll spin.
HOST- Go ahead Jessica it is your turn to spin.
(Jessica spins the wheel and hits Bankrupt.)
HOST- You are bankrupt and now it is the next person's turn.
HIP- Now it's my turn?
HOST- It is now.
HIP- I would like to solve this phrase.
HOST- What do you think it says?
(Hip looks over at Jessica before disclosing his answer.)
HIP- I think it says, "Take my hooters."
(Very Wise turns the other letters around revealing that he is totally right.)
HOST- You are totally right!
Do you think you could take those hooters Hip?
HIP- Do I get my choice?
HOST- Actually the ones you see are the ones you get.
HIP- That's hip!
HOST- Well Slick, since you came in second place you can take the McDonald's gift certificate for a number 1, 2, 3, or a number 4 meal deal, and if you like you can have those super sized. And Jessica you win another night at Audio-Scope with Sam Kinison cuing the turn tables again for him all night.
If you ever see me in public just give me a Tap on the back.
Goodnight!
THE FAMILY FOOLS
(The setting is the same set as the Family Feud. There are two family couples on each end.)
VOICE OVER- Get ready losers, jerks, and dropouts for the show that has family couples fight against one another over stupid questions. And here's the host of our show the one and only "That's a dumb answer."
(The host walks out towards the front of the set facing the audience.)
HOST- Thank you! Welcome to another great show tonight. We are here with a family of losers and a family of wimps this evening.
(The host puts both of his hands together like he's going to make somebody look stupid.)
HOST- Let's have two patrons one from each family come up and claim one of the questions.
(Two patrons one from each family couple on each opposite side takes the front.)
HOST- What are your names?
(The boy speaks his name first.)
WILL- My name is Will!
(Then the girl says her name second.)
SAMANTHA- Samantha-err!
HOST- How could you have the same name you don't look like a guy?
SAMANTHA- I said Samantha-err, I mean Samantha!
HOST- You all knows the rules. The first one to smack the other one in the face gets to answer the questions and take the game.
(Will and Samantha both nod their heads.)
HOST- The question is:
What is the one thing that people are usually full of?
(Samantha smacks Will in the face first and gets to answer the question.)
HOST- Samantha?
SAMANTHA- Food!
(The host turns around and looks at the survey screen.)
HOST- The survey said!
SFX- BUZZZZZZER
HOST- Will?
WILL- Hot air!
(The host turns to the survey screen again.)
HOST- And the survey says!
(The word hot air flips open.)
HOST- It looks like you got that one right!
WILL- We want to play!
(Will's family gets all excited and jumps up and down with their hands up in the air as Will goes back to his family couple's side of losers. Samantha walks back to her family couple of wimps.)
HOST- Who's that next to you?
(The host walks a little closer to Stacy.)
WILL- This is my wimp sister Stacy.
HOST- Stacy, name one thing that people are full of?
STACY- Lard!
HOST- (LEANING BACK LIKE) I would tell you what I am full of but that might be a giveaway, survey show me lard.
(The survey screen flips over the word lard.)
HOST- You got that one right; you're all full of lard.
Who is this next to you Stacy?
(The host gets closer to Peaches.)
STACY- This is my mother Peaches!
HOST- You look fruity Peaches; tell me something people are full of and give me a good answer.
PEACHES- If it were my husband he would be full of dung!
HOST- Is that your answer?
PEACHES- Why not, dung and manure they're all the same?
(The host looks at the survey screen.)
HOST- Okay surveys, show me dung.
(The survey screen shows the word dung as the family couple of wimps jump up and down applauding.)
HOST- Well, you got that right and it's hard to believe that losers are better than wimps. Well Peaches, let's get you some bonus points.
(The host walks her over to the Bonus section.)
LOIUS- Peaches if you can answer these five questions right in a row the best you can and if you can score more than one hundred points, you win $10,000 dollars for your family.
Let's not be a Family Fool!
(The host gets ready by holding the card up ready to read.)
The questions are:
Name a porno star?
PEACHES- John Wayne!
HOST- What's the most common braw size and cup?
PEACHES- C-cup!
HOST- What's a popular sexual position?
PEACHES- On the bottom!
HOST- What's a name for a type of bed?
PEACHES- Futon!
HOST- What's a popular past time?
PEACHES- Texting!
HOST- What is a name of a famous hotel?
PEACHES- My Parents Inn!
HOST- Okay, let's see how well you have scored!
I said name a porno star, you said John Wayne which scored you twenty points.
I asked what the most common braw size is and you said c-cup which scored you twenty points.
Then I asked you to name a sexual position and you answered on the bottom which scored you another twenty points.
Afterwards, I said to name a type of bed and you said futon which scored you another twenty points.
Next I asked you what a favorite past time was and you said texting which earned you an additional twenty points.
And finally I asked you to name a popular hotel and you said your parent's place which earned you another twenty points giving you a total of the hundred points so your family wins the Family Fools!
(The family gathers together to jump up and down and all around for joy.)
It's so hard to remember which family is which when they are lowlifes like wimps, and losers; so join me the next time for the Family Fools.
DIRTY MOUSE AND THWACKING BIRD
(The setting is early morning with two girls sitting and watching cartoons on the television. They start really getting bored while flipping back and forth between a few stations.)
JUDY- These cartoons are really boring!
SHERRY- Yes, I know!
JUDY- There has to be something better to watch.
SHERRY- Let's watch an older age Channel!
JUDY- Wouldn't that be great if an older age channel would buy out some cartoons?
SHERRY-Then we could watch cool cartoons like Dirty Mouse!
(They both dream about a Dirty Mouse cartoon.)
VOICE OVER- (DIRTY MOUSE) Here I come to get some tushi that means that Dirty Mouse is horny!
JUDY- That would be totally cool!
SHERRY- I think so too!
JUDY- Then also we could watch the cool cartoon Thwacking Bird.
SHERRY- I think that's Gooney Tunes!
(They both dream about a Thwacking Bird cartoon.)
VOICE OVER- (THWACKING BIRD) I've been up for three days thwacking and I thought I saw a puddy, I did, and I did see a puddy!
SHERRY- Those cartoons would be much better than what we're watching!
JUDY- I think so too!
SHERRY- Then we could also watch Elmer Fudge.
(They both dream of an Elmer Fudge cartoon.)
VOICE OVER- (ELMER FUDGE) Silly wabbit, tricks are for kids.
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
(An Internal Revenue Service Agent is sitting at a desk talking to the camera to inform all of his tax payers.)
AGENT- I'm your Internal Revenue Representative and I would like to inform all of my "Male Tax Payers" that the only thing the Internal Revenue hasn't taxed yet is "Your ?."
That is because mainly ninety percent of the time you are out of work and the other ten percent of the time you are in the hole, and of course your dependents they are both nuts.
(The Internal Revenue Service Agent is holding up a "?" checker chart.)
AGENT- This year your "?" will be taxed to its size according to this scale I'm holding here.
TEN TO TWELVE INCHES: EXTRAVAGANCE TAX $50.
EIGHT TO TEN INCHES: POST TAX $25.
SIX TO EIGHT INCHES: BENEFIT TAX $15.
FOUR TO SIX INCHES: ANNOYANCE TAX $5.
(The Internal Revenue Service Agent puts his scale down.)
AGENT- Now, note, anyone who has a "?" less than four inches is most definitely eligible for a full refund. And please do not request extensions. And males exceeding over twelve inches can file under "Capital Gains." And let's not be like some people and forget to file. Also if your "?" is single please only claim one dependent even though you really have "two nuts" as dependents. However if your "?" is the "Head of the Household," you may claim for more than one dependent. If you're "?" is blind or over the age of sixty five you might want to apply for Social Security benefits.
Now remember, applicants on Social Security may not refile because your "stub" is too small to expect a return. Now some of our applicants filing a return are in smaller tax brackets that need to use the "EIC Credit." Even if your "?" is acting up please just fill in the chart to see if you qualify for the easy credit.
Also I would like to inform all applicants that if you are having trouble as to the size of your "?" because you can't see it, please use the "I'm under 10EZ form."
MOLE MAID
(The setting shows a car that looks like the Molly Maid Cleaning Service Car. The car has a bunch of spots on it and one huge one on the hood.)
SFX- CAR SCREACHING THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD
(The Mole Maid pulls up and parks in the driveway of a large house. She jumps out of the car with a huge feather duster.)
SFX- A SEXY MOAN
MOLE MAID- Is this the place?
(She goes up to the door and tries the key and enters inside. To start things off she starts cleaning and dusting some China sitting on a large wood hutch.)
VOICE OVER- When your place is totally filthy and you don't have the time to clean it.
(She moves towards an entertainment center sitting off in the living room of the house.)
VOICE OVER- You should call the one and only…………………………Mole Maid!
(She walks over to an end table of a catch with a stuffed mole (giant rat) sitting as a display. A huge mole on her leg shows.)
VOICE OVER- You should call the one and only "Mole Maid."
(She dusts a few strokes on her leg.)
She even dusts moles.
(The Mole Maid is cleaning off a land-line telephone with her feather duster.)
VOICE OVER- So, pick up the phone and dial 1-800-Mole-Maid.
THE X-FIGHTERS
(The Setting is a takeoff from the X-Files with Agent Molder and Agent Scully sitting in the car scoping some guy out that's just standing out in a yard waiting for something.)
MOLDER- I don't know Scully; we've been sitting here for hours. What should we do?
SCULLY- I'm not sure; he's been standing there messing around for a long time now behind those trees.
MOLDER- I need to stretch my legs.
SCULLY- You could blow our cover and we're out of donuts.
MOLDER- Well, we'll have to do something, plus I have to bleed my lizard.
SCULLY- Well, you could walk out there and try to catch him from another angle or something.
MOLDER- What kind of crime figure does he look like standing out there like a Peeping Tom tailor.
SCULLY- Since you're about to step out why don't you just go arrest him that'll take care of it.
MOLDER- You're the hard head Scully; why don't you go frisk him while he's out there with his pants down, if he kills you getting another agent that part is easy.
VOICE OVER- The X-Fighters coming back this fall.
AIN'T YOUR MOMMA
(The setting is a black lady preparing pancakes with a different woman other than the "Aunt Jemima" on the front label of the bottle of syrup sitting on the counter. She flips a couple of pancakes over and then fondles her afro like hair. Then she grabs a silver dinner chime and turns around and rings it for the little son and daughter of the house.)
SFX- SILVER DINNER CHIMES THREE TIMES
(There are two white kids sleeping in the same room with beds next to each other. A little boy and daughter both wake up wondering what the dinner chimes are and who is ringing them.)
MOMMA- (LOUD YELL FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Come and get it!
SON- What the shudder?
DAUGHTER- Who the heck is that?
SON- Dang if I know!
MOMMA- (LOUD VOICE AGAIN FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Come and get it before school!
(Then all of a sudden both kids come running downstairs and approach the table as a strange black lady flips pancakes on their plates.)
SON- Who the heck are you?
DAUGHTER- What the heck?
MOMMA- Well, I sure ain't your momma!
(The Momma of the house puts the pancake syrup on the table with her afro like hair staring them both down.)
VOICE OVER- Ain't your Momma, the syrup for those who know that sure ain't their momma cooking them pancakes!
PEN PAL
(An ugly guy is sitting on the couch. The phone rings and he picks up the phone realizing that it is his pen pal.)
GUY- Hello!
PEN PAL- Hey it's your pen-pal, how are you doing?
GUY- I'm fine, I see you received my letter.
(The pen pal is sitting at home looking at a picture of a famous actor instead of himself that the ugly guy had sent her.)
PEN PAL- I sure did, I received the picture of yourself that you sent also. I didn't think you were so gorgeous, with a beautiful voice.
GUY- Yes I know, that's what all of the girls say about me.
PEN PAL- You're even better looking than my last pen pal.
(The ugly guy begins to get a little jealous of the other pen pal.)
GUY- Who is your other pen pal?
PEN PAL- Believe it or not it was a Sweepstakes Host.
GUY- How did you get with a Sweepstakes Host?
PAN PAL- Well, after I won the Sweepstakes ten years ago he put me on a Star show. I'm just glad I don't have to sleep with him anymore. Plus when I'd sleep with him there was always this other guy around.
(Guy sitting there thinking that the Sweepstakes is something for old ladies.)
GUY- Really, I didn't know them two were that way.
PEN PAL- Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore!
GUY- I'm relieved.
PEN PAL- Yes, so when are we going to get together, you're so gorgeous. I want to see you as soon as we can get together. How about this weekend?
GUY- Well, I really don't look like that anymore. I let my hair grow way, way long. Plus I had plastic surgery since that picture. I also was in a couple of fights at a biker bar. Plus in that picture I had a ton of make-up on and you probably wouldn't recognize me anywhere.
PEN PAL- Come on, that's okay! I really want to meet you, and I'm serious, when?
GUY- Well, I'm really busy right now for the next couple of months, how about next June sometime.
(Guy is looking over her picture trying to get out of it. The picture of her starts to appear to him as an older lady.)
PEN PAL- I guess you think my picture is ugly and you don't want to meet me.
GUY- I'm just really busy plus I sprained my ankle yesterday.
PEN PAL- I won't stop asking until we do.
GUY- Fine not this weekend but the next one, but I'm warning you, you won't recognize me.
(Guy gets mad just thinking about it now.)
How about this send me a better picture then I'll date you.
ROYAL FLUSH
(The setting is a Poker Room inside a casino with a bunch of people around the table playing poker. Behind the card dealer on one side is a toilet the says "Royal Flush." The card dealer finishes handing the cards out to the players.)
LADY CARD PLAYER- Hit me!
(The card dealer punches her in the face.)
SFX- ONE LOUD SMACK
(Immediately an older guy wants another card.)
OLDER GUY CARD PLAYER- Hit me!
SFX- ANOTHER LOUD SMACK
(The lady card player wants another card again.)
LADY CARD PLAYER- Hit me again!
(The card player pops her in the face once again.)
SFX- ANOTHER HARD HIT
(They all continue to play cards at the table as usual. Without notice Frank Drebin gets excited.)
DREBIN- I win, I have a Royal Flush!
(The card dealer flushes the toilet.)
SFX- TOILET FLUSHING
(Another young card player gets excited and says he has a Royal Flush. He lays his cards down on the table with the faces upwards.)
YOUNG CARD PLAYER- Hey, I have a Royal Flush too!
(The card dealer flushes the toilet once again.)
SFX- THE TOILET FLUSHES ONCE AGAIN
(Right off the bat a black man gets anxious to get flushed.)
BLACK CARD PLAYER- Hey, flush me!
(The card dealer flushes the toilet once again.)
SFX- TOILET FLUSHING ONCE AGAIN
(The lady gets excited and impatient for another flush.)
LADY CARD DEALER- No, flush me!
(The card dealer flushes the toilet once again.)
(Frank Drebin wants his Royal Flush again.)
DREBIN- It looks like I gave you all the Royal Flush!
(The card dealer gives Frank Drebin the Royal Flush.)
SFX- THE TOILET FLUSHING ONCE AGAIN
(Everyone starts leaving to go to another card table.)
LADY CARD DEALER- Aw!!!!! I'm going to play some craps!
(The lady card player leaves as the young man begins to get up to leave as well.)
YOUNG CARD PLAYER- Me too!
(The black card player gets up to leave behind them all.)
BLACK CARD PLAYER- I'm leaving too!
DREBIN- Aw!!!!! Hit me again!
(The card dealer punches him once again.)
SFX- A HARD SMACK
(Frank Drebin wants another Royal Flush.)
DREBIN- Aw!!!!! Just give me another Royal Flush.
(The card dealer flushes the toilet again.)
SFX- ANOTHER LOUD TOILET FLUSH
(The captain approaches the card table.)
CAPTAIN- You let him go Frank!
DREBIN- Aw! Flush him down too!
(The card dealer flushes the toilet again laughing.)
SFX- SLIGHT LAUGHING AND ANOTHER TOILET FLUSH
CAPTAIN- Come on, let's go Frank, we can't let them get away!
FRANK- I think I'll go play some poker.
BAD GIRLS
(The setting is a takeoff from some cop shows, although this time it is only the female cops frisking the bad people out.)
VOICE OVER- Where are you going to go, where are you going to go when they come frisk you? Bad Girls, Bad Girls! Where are you going to go when they come frisk you, frisk you?
Where are you going to go, where are you going to go when they come frisk you? Bad Girls, Bad Girls! Where are you going to go when they come capture you?
MAIN VOICE OVER- Bad Girls, the ladies of Law Enforcement are brought to you by Mission Toilets. Whether you are on the job or on a mission, we give the Bad Girls something to go on. Also brought to you by Bad Girls Hardware Store. If there are too many Bad Girls after you, just bolt. Otherwise you're had!
(A lady cop dispatcher is on the PA system intercom. She receives a call about a real bad crime in progress.)
LADY DISTAPCHER- All units, we have a 69 in progress!
(A Mexican lady cop dispatches to the scene like a bat out of hell. She starts driving really fast through traffic as she puts her sirens on full blast.)
MEXICAN COP- Yes, and I take my job so very seriously. Every call is special to me because I learn how to handle so many different situations on the street.
(The Bad Girl Cop car is cruising through traffic with cars stopping and screeching.)
SFX- CAR SCREECHING
MEXICAN COP- Now this call is a 69 in progress. I know it sounds way kinky, but I'm not the one who gave it that name. It's probably a guy getting it off with a female. And the way I handle this call is very unique.
(The Mexican lady cop starts to put on some lipstick.)
MEXICAN COP- I always put on my lip stick and my blush to throw his eyes off when they first see me walk up. Sometimes I even put on some eye shadow so I can even look sexier than the discount meat further up the street.
When they first see me approaching so sexy like, they usually shake a leg loose releasing the female. Then I ease my way in with a little search. Finally it ends with a pair of hand cuffs.
(The Mexican lady cop pulls up stopping to a screech and then she gets out and starts walking towards an alley way behind some business establishments.)
MEXICAN COP- I bet they are down this alley way here somewhere.
(The Mexican lady cop enters the alley way as quick as she can by walking really fast nearly running.)
MEXICAN COP- Freeze! Now shake off the leg meat over to the side and then turn around and walk back three steps and pull your pants back up!
(Another lady cop dispatches to the scene and enters the alley way.)
OTHER LADY COP- What do we have here?
MEXICAN COP- Just another usual day for us Bad Girls is all?
(The Mexican lady cop frisks the guy out thoroughly. After the Mexican lady cop frisks the crook out he hops with his hands up towards the other female cop.)
SECOND LADY COP- You've already been frisked!
(She sort of frisks him and then taps him on the rear slightly.)
VOICE OVER- Bad Girls! The show was brought to you by the ladies of Law Enforcement.
KICKING IN THE SHEETS
(The setting is a Real Estate infomercial with a Real Estate investor named Kicking in the Sheets that is sitting and laying around in bed going over his Real Estate strategies.)
KICKING IN THE SHEETS- Hi, I'm "Kicking in the Sheets" and I'm still in these sheets going over my latest Real Estate strategies. You are probably wondering why I do Real Estate. It's so I can lounge around in these sheets and stay at home. And you are probably wondering how I learned about Real Estate. Well, I sure didn't do it slouching in these sheets.
No, I actually used to go out and look at my properties, although now I only slack it at home and as well still manage to buy Real Estate over the phone or internet.
(Immediately he holds up his packet with him in the sheets looking at Real Estate contracts.)
If you want to learn a lot more about slouching at home and as well buying Real Estate, order my packet. It'll teach you how to sit at home and make telephone calls setting options. With a credit card, telephone call, or a click you can buy a property and never have to get out of bed to see it.
(Close up of Kicking in the Sheet's Real Estate packet.)
In my packet you will get twelve compact disks that explain everything from buying options to little getting out of bed payments. Some of the payments I make without getting out of bed. Sometimes they come to my apartment with the picture while I hand them the check. There is also a video that shows me in bed making Real Estate purchases where agents come to my apartment with the contracts while I hand them the check. Also my video shows me lying around talking about Real Estate strategies and also a few of my properties I have seen. My packet will explain fully to you how to have a sale your very first day and never have to leave home to go see it. My packet is the opposite of American Express; you can stay home and not worry about it, and then be on your way.
Send $99.99 to:
Kicking it in the sheets
P.O. Box 1234
Allow 6-8 weeks deliberately
Richmen, stay home
MR. SCAMMER
(The setting is an ocean view with a view of the ocean waves directly behind a 1-900 line salesman. Like a con man with a sales pitch he starts talking in to the camera about his 1-900 phone line scams.)
MR. SCAMMER- Hello! Welcome to my scamming your money show. I'm your host Mr. Scammer. You know the one thing I seemed to stagger over when thinking how to make an easy buck was a system of placing little tiny, tiny ads in newspapers all over the country.
This system is so lucrative that you could have your 1-900 line getting off on the wrong mark. I started in an alley way and finally worked my way up to a slum like studio apartment. That's where I and ten other dudes ran a 1-900 scoop line while sleeping on cots and living like a bunch of wet backs. I was scamming tons of hard earned cash every day. Then eventually we became very rich and bought a house where we could all sleep on the couch or floor. The more ads I placed in these newspapers all over the country the more money I scammed.
I advise you to buy my packet and start scamming money and people like I do within the 1-900 line business. In my packet you will get your choice of what kind of line you want to run, a Date Line, an Adult Line, a Sports Line, or you could call this investment a Horror Line. In my packet you will get:
How to start your own 1-900 line video tape?
A catalog list of places to advertise your bogus ads to make money.
A couple of compact discs about running 1-900 lines.
A book of how to word the scamming ads and a catalog of wholesale merchandising equipment so you feel like blowing off suing me for the 1-900 scam and eventually end up selling jewelry on the freeway somewhere.
Everyone who has bought my packet says wonderful things about it. Let's start by interviewing one of them.
(One angry 1-900 line investor sitting in a back yard patio somewhere.)
So what do you think of the 1-900 line business?
MR. ANGRY INVESTOR- Well, before I bought your 1-900 line I had a savings account and a good bright future with an electronics company. Now I have no savings account and I'm working at a fast food restaurant. Really, I'd settle for a refund or an aspirin.
(Mr. Scammer is sitting back by the ocean view again.)
MR. SCAMMER- There's another bonus to buying my packet. You get to have lovely people from my office help you.
(There's an older lady talking on the phone to a client listening on the other line.)
ADULT LINE LADY- I'm so hot and bothered right now!
(The caller dude at the other end gets curious as to who is on the other line.)
CALLER DUDE- You sound like an older woman. I thought I was calling Honey Nut, not Shredded Wheat.
(Mr. Scammer is sitting back at his ocean view by the beach.)
MR. SCAMMER- So if you want to buy my packet and get yourself started in the 1-900 business. Send me $499.99 to:
Mr. Scammer's Big 1-900 Scams
P.O. Box No return's please!
Phone Nicks, let it ring twice!
1-900-RIPPED-OFF
STAR TRICK
(The setting is in outer space with the Star Trek Enterprise cruising through space at warp speed.)
SFX- THE STAR TRICK THEME MUSIC
VOICE OVER- Star Trick………… a strange mission. These are the voyages of the Star Trick Enterprise. A mission to explore very, very strange people and to seek out a life, and to boldly go where even very strange people would go even before.
(Scotty is ready to beam them on down.)
SCOTTY- Ready to beam down Captain?
CAPTAIN KIRK- I’m Ready Scotty!
SCOTTY- Ready to beam down Mr. Spock!
MR. SPOCK- I’m Ready Scotty!
(Scotty touches the button to beam them down. Immediately they are beamed down from the transporter room. After a moment they disappear from the platform completely after another moment. Purposely they are beamed in to a Turbo-lift going down to a lower floor than planned for some reason.)
MR. SPOCK- That was fast!
CAPTAIN KIRK- Yes, it seemed like Scotty just wanted to get rid of us for some reason or other.
(Sulo and Uhura are watching the screen of the Turbo-lift.)
UHURA- Is it safe?
SULO- Yes, they are on the screen beamed down.
(Scotty is over the microphone of Uhura.)
SCOTTY- The Captain and Mr. Spock are beamed down.
UHURA- Watch my station and take all of my calls!
(Uhura gets up and heads through the sliding doors. Sulo starts to watch the screen as Captain Kirk is talking to Mr. Spock.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- Why are we in a Turbo-lift?
MR. SPOCK- I don't know Captain! It looks like………!
CAPTAIN KIRK- He wanted to get rid of us?
(Uhura enters in to Scotty's quarters.)
UHURA- About time!
SCOTTY- I'll say!
(Uhura sits on Scotty's lap and kicks her feet up in the air.)
UHURA- I really missed watching the television with you!
SCOTTY- I really missed watching all of our favorite episodes with you too!
UHURA- Now that they are gone let's watch the first episode with Captain Pike and his old grannies!
SCOTTY- That one again? We watched it twice last week.
(The Captain and Mr. Spock are in the Turbo-lift heading to the basement.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- Mr. Spock why are we heading towards the break room.
MR. SPOCK- I don't know Captain Kirk maybe we could stop off for a Space Nut candy bar or something or other.
(The Turbo-lift door opens to the basement. The two of them are standing there looking out of the Turbo-lift doors.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- What's this?
(Mr. Spock stands there with a confused Vulcan look on his face.)
MR. SPOCK- I don't know…………..like I said there must be……………
CAPTAIN KIRK- A logical explanation for all of this!
MR SPOCK- Precisely!
(The Klingons aboard a Klingon vessel turn around to each other after viewing the screen with Scotty and Uhura hugging each other completely.)
FIRST KLINGON- What do you make of that nonsense?
SECOND KLINGON- They look like a bunch of ding bats!
FIRST KLINGON- Who ever heard of a ding bat; what planet do they come from?
SECOND KLINGON- Earth!
(A Klingon lady turning around from the side controls with her headset on.)
LADY KLINGON- Hideous, very hideous!
(The Klingon Captain approaches from behind them all.)
KLINGON CAPTAIN- Obey the Prime Directive!
LADY KLINGON- That's nauseating!
(Through the Turbo-lift doors the captain pushes one of the buttons to another floor.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- Let's try the first floor!
(Mr. Spock gets confused again.)
MR. SPOCK- I would have tried the third floor.
(Captain Kirk gets angry again.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- You're really no help Mr. Spock!
(The Turbo-lift doors close as it descends towards the first floor. The light to the first floor lights up.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- Here's the first floor.
(The Turbo-lift doors start to open slightly.)
MR. SPOCK- About time!
(The Turbo-lift doors close again before he steps out.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- What's this?
(Mr. Spock gets a very confused look on his face.)
MR. SPOCK- I don't know Captain, but I sure could go for another Space Nut!
(The Turbo-lift starts to move and then stops between floors.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- What happened?
MR. SPOCK- It seems that we are stuck between floors Captain.
CAPTAIN KIRK- I see that Mr. Spock!
MR. SPOCK- Then why did you ask Captain?
(Captain Kirk pushes his communicator to call Sulo.)
CAPTAIN KIRK- Sulo help us……….we are stuck in a Turbo-lift!
(Sulo continues watching the older episode as he answers back to Captain Kirk.)
SULO- If you had any brains captain you'd see that I'm busy right now!
(Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock standing patiently in the Turbo-lift as Captain Kirk begins to push the buttons frantically.)
MR. SPOCK- Logically speaking Captain, I think we have been Star Tricked again.
CAPTAIN KIRK- Beam us up someone, beam us up somebody!
IN DEEP TROUBLE NINE
(Flash is walking down the hallway with her bag. All of a sudden Q appears and walks right besides her. The two of them start talking.)
Q- Where are you going?
FLASH- To the hall, why do you want to come?
Q- Sure, I love the escapade.
FLASH- Well, you'll have to wait for the escapade!
(Flash hits the button to open the sliding doors to the hall. Obrien is watching from around a corner.)
OBRIEN- Huh!
(Obrien speaks in to his communicator.)
We have a problem!
COMMANDER- What is it?
OBRIEN- Q went in to the hall with flash.
BRUNETTE- Who is Q?
COMMANDER- A very powerful being I met in the Gamma Quadrant!
BRUNETTE- The Gamma Quadrant?
OBRIEN- He means the Gaming Quadrant?
COMMANDER- Yes, we met at a Flash Bingo game.
BRUNETTE- Flash Bingo?
COMMANDER- Yes, he won his first pot of lintium bars.
RED HEAD- Then what is he doing here.
COMMANDER- He is obviously here to resume his game of Flash Bingo.
OBRIEN- Oh no, then we are in trouble.
We only have nine lintium bars left in the pot for tonight's games and one more for our G-ball during the late night sessions.
BRUNETTE- Then we are in deep trouble nine.
COMMANDER- Quick let's view them again in the optics.
(Q and Flash are in the middle of a game already.)
FLASH- I just need O74 for a four corner bingo!
Q- I only need B9 for a straight bingo!
(Back with the others the commander has his hand over his forehead. Obrien is all eyes while the brunette gets slightly angry.)
BRUNETTE- What should we do he only needs one number?
RED HEAD- Well, you are all in Deep…………..!
CALLER- (VOICE OVER) And your next number is………O74!
FLASH- (FROM THE HALL) Bingo!
CALLER- (VOICE OVER) We have one bingo, are there any others.
SFX- SILENCE
This game is closed with one winner!
RED HEAD- Looks like he lost his winning streak.
BRUNETTE- Aren't you guys lucky you added a little flash to your Bingo game. If I had to flash them it would be with something else.
RHINESTONE TOMBOY
(The setting is a tomboy talking to a cowgirl he doesn't even know on the telephone.)
TOMBOY- What's it matter if I don't know you?
COWGIRL- I really hate blind dates!
TOMBOY- Blind, I have 20/20 vision.
COWGIRL- I mean, I don't want to date men I meet on the main drag when I'm out cruising.
TOMBOY- Ah, come on!
COWGIRL- Why don't you call up a tomgirl that you know from somewhere? Bye!
(The cowgirl hangs up the phone on him. Then all of a sudden his whole family enters the room after ease dropping in on the conversation.)
FAMILY CHORUS- He's a Rhinestone Tomboy! Sitting around in a family he doesn't even know, and a cowgirl calls up on the telephone.
PLUG IT IN
(The film director approaches the middle of the set with a clapboard for the camera cue.)
DIRECTOR- Another smelling scent commercial!
Take one!
(The film director slaps the clapboard and exits the set. The set is a brand new house where people have moved in. A woman walks around trying to make the house smell fresh.)
WOMAN- When I moved in to this house it was also with the original home's smell that was hard to get used to.
(The woman starts to paint the walls a different color.)
I tried everything like painting the walls.
(The woman is steam cleaning the carpet.)
Also I tried steam cleaning the carpet.
(The woman tilts her head up thinking a second.)
Then I realized it was him!
(The woman glances over towards the living room where her boyfriend is watching the television. Quickly she reaches over to the kitchen counter to grab a Plug-It-In-To-Hims.)
So right away I grabbed one of these Plug-It-In-To-Hims.
(Right away she gets close to him and sets it on his lap.)
And right away when I came home I plugged it in to him.
HUSBAND- Honey, what's this?
VOICE OVER- Plug-It-In-To-Him by Reako!
MEANT TO LAY TOM
(The setting is a home where a woman comes home way late from a very important date. Her husband is waiting so very patiently for her.)
HUSBAND- Where were you this evening?
WIFE- I had a few errands to run and some chores to do all day and night.
HUSBAND- You were gone a long time.
WIFE- Why so many of the stupid questions?
HUSBAND- I think you are up to something.
WIFE- Actually, today I was with someone else.
HUSBAND- I call that cheating!
(The wife holds up a can of Mentholatum Vapor Rub facing her husband.)
WIFE- Well, I call it meant to lay Tom.
VOICE OVER- Meant to lay Tom! When you really feel like laying Tom.
FREAKING SICK
(The setting is a hair commercial for a product called "Freaking Sick." It's a takeoff from a Physique shampoo commercial. The first woman is totally gorgeous.)
VOICE OVER- This woman is Physique!
(Another woman waves her beautiful blonde hair around a few times.)
And this woman is gorgeous with Physique!
(Another woman waves her long pretty hair around a few times.)
And this woman's red hair is elegantly physique!
(Then all of a sudden a few fat women enter the set waving their hair around confusing the viewers.)
And these women are…………….."Freaking Sick!"
PAD DICK POOLS
(The set is an advertisement for a pool commercial. The shot is of a swimming pool in the backyard of an ordinary house. On a raft in the pool is a mean fellow who acts like a jerk to his girlfriend all of the time. He floats closer to his girlfriend who is sitting on a towel a few feet away.)
BOYFRIEND- Go get me something to drink!
GIRLFRIEND- Go get something yourself.
BOYFRIEND- This is my house you should do what I say!
GIRLFRIEND- Why are you such a total jerk?
BOYFRIEND- Because I'm thirsty and I don't won't to have to get out of the pool.
GIRLFRIEND- Well, I'm sun tanning and I don't won't to have to get up.
BOYFRIEND- Please!
GIRLFRIEND- No!
BOYFRIEND- Pretty please!
GIRLFRIEND- No, I said!
BOYFRIEND- Right now!
GIRLFRIEND- No, get it yourself!
(The boyfriend paddles over to the side to get out of the swimming pool.)
BOYFRIEND- Whatever!
VOICE OVER- Pad Dick Pools!
FLASH DANCED III
(The setting is a dance stage with a flash dancer dancing at a strip club.)
VOICE OVER- You saw her in the great movie Flash Danced once.
(The dancer slides up and down the pole.)
You also saw her in her best selling sequel where she flash danced twice.
(The flash dancer is leaning over backwards sticking her rear end up in the air. A guy approaches and tries to stick a dollar in her g-string.)
Now you can see her in her third sequel.
(Now the setting is her flashing a sign at city traffic that says, "Not hungry just need a night club.")
Flashing City Traffic III- Stripping her way to local freeways near you!
FEEL LIPS AND ATTORNEYS
(The setting is a law office firm called Feel Lips and Attorneys with a blonde secretary sitting under the emblem answering the telephone.)
BLONDE SECRETARY- Law Offices of "Feel Lips and Attorneys."
(One of their clients is sitting in a chair facing the camera.)
CLIENT- When I was in a car accident, I called the Law Offices of "Feel Lips and Attorneys" to handle my case. And boy did they live up to their name. My lips were still swollen throughout the whole case. I'm just glad I remembered my blistex.
(The client starts to slide down in his chair from pain.)
In fact, by choosing "Feel Lips and Attorneys" I saved myself from lots of:
Embarrassment
Cold sores
Lost days at work
Medical bills
And high insurance costs
The next time you are hit from behind, remember these lips!
(The client points to his swollen lips.)
WISH LAUNDRY DETERGENT
(The setting is a "Wish Laundry Detergent" commercial with a bottle sitting on top of a washing machine. Next to the row of washers is a row of dryers. They are both located in the laundry mat. There is a lady who begins pulling out her clothes. An interviewer comes up to her to ask her a few questions.)
INTERVIEWER- How long have you been using Wish Laundry Detergent?
(The camera zooms in to the bottle of Wish Laundry Detergent.)
LADY- Ever since I wished that my clothes would come out cleaner.
INTERVIEWER- How long has that been?
LADY- Ever since I stopped using this stuff.
INTERVIEWER- But aren't your clothes way cleaner?
LADY- Actually they smell about the same.
(The lady begins to get angry.)
Well, I'd like to make a complaint.
INTERVIEWER- You wish!
VOICE OVER- "Wish Laundry detergent" If you want to make a complaint, you "Wish."
I LOVE LUDCY
(The setting is a living room like the one found on "I Love Lucy." Ricky Retardo is standing in the living room as Fred walks in.)
FRED- What's up Retardo?
RETARDO- I'm just worried about Ludcy!
FRED- Well, what's the matter with her?
RETARDO- She has been taking too many lately and I don't know what to do!
FRED- Well, take her on one of them tours at the gallery or studio with the band.
RETARDO- That would drive me crazy!
FRED- Why don't you try giving her some fresh air?
RETARDO- She would probably settle for an air freshener.
FRED- Whatever settles her?
RETARDO- I need to think of something.
FRED- I have an idea.
RETARDO- And what is that?
FRED- I'll think of something after I go back next door and snort some more Ethyl.
RETARDO- You do that Fred! You go back home and snort some more Ethyl. If there is any left save it for me and Ludcy?
(Fred exits the living room stage walking through the door.)
FRED- I'll save a little for you Retardo.
GENERAL HORSEPITAL
(Elaina is sitting at the kitchen table as Nicholas comes in.)
NICHOLAS- Where is the money?
ELAINA- I never touched it.
NICHOLAS- You took the money, that is such horsepital.
ELAINA- I am so sure you liar, I never touched it!
NICHOLAS- Then where did it go?
ELAINA- I don't know, maybe Alexis took it.
NICHOLAS- Alexis, my God, you fool, that's totally horsepital.
ELAINA- Well, what do you expect on this show?
NICHOLAS- Well, maybe I was expecting a few honest Soap actors and actresses on this show.
ELAINA- You have a fat chance of that with me around.
VOICE OVER- "General Horsepital," right before "Days of our Lies."
DAYS OF OUR LIES
(The setting is a master bedroom of a giant house where Marlene hits Brady across the face.)
VOICE OVER- Like the betrayal of your lover, these are the Days of our Lies.
BRADY- What was that all about?
MARLENE- Because you make me very mad.
(All of a sudden Chloe enters the bedroom.)
CHLOE- Victor is dead.
(Brady is still holding his face with his hand from Marlene's hard slap.)
BRADY- That one is almost as bad as the one you came up with last week.
MARLENE- I think you are a big fat liar.
BRADY- So do I.
PHILIP- And so do I.
CHLOE- Well, these are the Days of our Lies.
VOICE OVER- The "Days of our Lies," right before the "Young and the Useless."
YOUNG AND THE USELESS
(Sharon hits on Nick the best that she can with her flirting.)
SHARON- Don't leave me.
NICK- I would stay if you were more helpful.
SHARON- You act as though I am unable bodied.
NICK- You just all seem not there.
SHARON- I'm just different when it comes to that.
NICK- I guess.
SHARON- You act as though I'm no longer a handy girl.
NICK- You may seem very young, but other than that, when it comes to making love you're pretty dang useless.
VOICE OVER- The "Young and the Useless," right before "Ryan's Joke!"
RYAN'S JOKE
(The setting is a backyard patio with two men arguing over something.)
RICK- That joke sucked!
RYAN- Well, I have a greater joke.
RICK- And what joke is that?
RYAN- You………you're a joke!
RICK- Well, I have an even better joke!
RYAN- And what's that?
RICK- This show!
RYAN- You're right!
RICK- You're right Ryan, you make this show a big joke.
VOICE OVER- "Ryan's Joke," right before "All my Degenerates!"
ALL MY DEGENERATES
(The setting is a living room with Leslie and David together conversing.)
LESLIE- You treat me terrible!
DAVID- I always take care of you and always have taken care of you.
LESLIE- Well, everyone else agrees with me.
DAVID- I think they have it all wrong; you must be lying to them.
LESLIE- They think you treat me like an outcast.
DAVID- Did you ever tell them that you are a major degenerate?
LESLIE- No, not really!
DAVID- Well, I think they ought to find out the truth that you are a major sleaze bag.
LESLIE- How dare you insult me like that after sleeping with you?
DAVID- You and Sybella, you are both sleaze bags!
VOICE OVER- "All my Degenerates," right before "One loser to Live!"
ONE LOSER TO LIVE
(The setting is a girl trying to kick a boy out of her place.)
LOSER- Well, I wouldn't have to if you.
AMANDA- If I'd what.
LOSER- You just don't like me.
AMANDA- Well, why should I? You're a loser….err….err….err?
LOSER- That's right a loser, one loser to live.
AMANDA- You ought to get a life.
LOSER- I don't need a life, I kind of like yours.
VOICE OVER- "One Loser to Live," right after "Giving Lies!"
GIVING LIES
(The setting is a takeoff from the soap opera, "Guiding Light." Vicky is talking to Harley about his lies.)
VICKY- I want to know the truth.
HARLEY- You usually believe what I say.
SFX- SOAP OPERA MUSIC
VICKI- No, not this time.
(Vicki walks away from him towards the kitchen.)
HARLEY- Well, you're going to have to.
VICKY- Why?
HARLEY- Because I never made them.
VICKY- You promised me.
HARLEY- Well, only because you are so……..naive!
VICKY-Well, I'll just have to stop!
HARLEY- You know you can't!
VICKY- Oh, just watch me.
HARLEY- Watch you, I know you love me giving lies!
VOICE OVER- "Giving Lies," right before "As My Stomach Turns."
AS MY STOMACH TURNS
(The setting is Angel sitting on the couch eating some tacos. Carli comes in very mad from heartburn.)
SFX- SOAP OPERA MUSIC
CARLI- You ate my taco.
ANGEL- I was hungry.
CARLI- My stomach is churning. I should chow down your TV dinners.
ANGEL- Oh, you can have her, I'm through with her.
CARLI- I'm not talking about your girlfriend Danielle. I'm talking about those TV dinners in the freezer. Danielle she doesn't even qualify for a pot pie.
ANGEL- Oh, you can have as many as you want. It's false advertising, one isn't enough for someone who is very hungry.
CARLI- We'll see about that!
VOICE OVER- "As My Stomach Turns," right after the "Old and the Ugly."
OLD AND UGLY
(The setting is in a bathroom with Alicia putting on her make-up in front of a mirror. Megan quickly enters the bathroom.)
MEGAN- You look very ugly today!
ALICIA- Well, I put on my make-up.
SFX- SOAP OPERA MUSIC
(Alicia turns around with her make-up on.)
MEGAN- Maybe you should take off all of the old make-up first because it sort of cakes there.
ALICIA- I don't know how!
MEGAN- Have you ever tried this stuff?
(Megan holds up a bottle of make-up remover.)
ALICIA- What is that stuff?
MEGAN- Make-up remover.
ALICIA- Who recommends that stuff?
MEGAN- I do!
ALICIA- But you have acne!
MEGAN- Well, I also use acne remover!
ALICIA- You mean the stuff that is used for zits?
MEGAN- If I start to use that stuff, do you think I'll still be old and ugly?
ALICIA- Actually no, I think you will look very sexy.
VOICE OVER- "Old and Ugly," right before "Port Harry."
PORT HARRY
(The setting is in the living room with Patricia standing there as Victor comes out of the bathroom.)
SFX- TOILET FLUSHING ONCE
PATRICIA- So how did everything come out?
VICTOR- Not so well.
PATRICIA- What do you mean?
VICTOR- Well, I could only go a little.
PATRICIA- What do you mean just a little?
SFX- SOAP OPERA MUSIC
(Victor gets an embarrassing look on his face.)
VICTOR- I don't know!
(They are both standing in the living room.)
PATRICIA- Maybe, you need to drink a lot more liquid.
VICTOR- Well, I have been, I've been drinking Fuzzy Navels all day.
PATRICIA- Well, everybody knows a Fuzzy Navel is nearly almost all syrup.
VICTOR- You mean like the syrup for pancakes?
PATRICIA- That's right! You're probably bloated.
VICTOR- Well, what should I do?
PATRICIA- Well, you could open the port, kind of like buttering a pack of Newports.
VICTOR- I'll try anything!
VOICE OVER- "Port Harry," right before "Dawson's Geek!"
DAWSON'S GEEK
(The setting is a Dawson's Creek takeoff. A girl and a geek are in the living room having a disagreement with something so dumb and of course so stupid. The girl is talking to the geek about why he didn't tell her about something.)
GIRL- Why didn't you tell me about that?
(The geek has a dumb look on his face.)
GEEK- I don't know why I didn't tell you!
(The girl gets a very angry look on her face.)
GIRL- You always try to hide things from me.
(The two of them are standing in the living room still. They are both facing each other like they are having a total show down or something.)
GEEK- That's because you always get so darn angry with me.
GIRL- Because you should just try and tell me when you do something so stupid.
GEEK- Well, I thought you wouldn't call me dumb, I thought you would call me a complete jerk.
(The girl looks around the room a bit.)
GIRL- A jerk, oh, that's an understatement!
(The geek gets a very confused look on his face.)
GEEK- Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
GIRL- That means that you are a complete geek!
VOICE OVER- "Dawson's Geek."
WHO NEEDS PHILOSOPHY?
(The setting is the last day of a Greek Philosophy Class with Aristotle teaching in a Greek Arena. Without any hesitation a student asks a question.)
FIRST STUDENT- So how did we do in this class?
(Aristotle is standing before the class.)
ARISTOTLE- I'll tell you all how you did in this Philosophy Class!
(Aristotle holds up a handout.)
Remember the handout I passed out called "Who needs Philosophy?"
SECOND STUDENT- So who really cares?
ARISTOTLE- That's what I said, who needs it?
(Aristotle throws the handout in the air.)
THIRD STUDENT- So what does that mean?
ARISTOTLE- That means that you all failed Philosophy.
FOURTH STUDENT- You mean to tell us that you failed us?
ARISTOTLE- No, you all failed me and I even invited over my buddy Philosopher Immanuel Kant to explain it to you.
(Immanuel Kant approaches the front of the class.)
KANT- I came to say that you all can't pass Philosophy this year.
(All of a sudden a female gets up ready to run out of class.)
AYN RAND- I hate Aristotle from Greece.
KANT- Well, maybe his hair needs a little grease!
(Ayn Rand runs out panicking.)
Well, it looks like Ayn ran out of class!
FIRST STUDENT- This class blows, now I have to wait until I'm too old to graduate.
SECOND STUDENT- My parents are going to kill me.
(Both Philosophers start acting like Greasers.)
BOTH OF THEM- Go Grease Lightning you go too far.
Grease Lightning, go Grease Lightning.
Go Grease Lightning you go too far.
Go Grease Lightning, go Grease Lightning.
ARISTOTLE- That chicks a huh!
KANT- That chicks a huh!
BOTH OF THEM- Grease Lightning.
TROJAN HAG
(Helen turns around looking down from Mount Olympus wearing her treasures from Troy.)
HELEN- Ah! What a beautiful day.
(Achilles outside arguing with an arrow stuck in his heel.)
ACHILLES- I'll never get my prize of honor, Paris shot an arrow in to my heel. I feel like a used douche and I'm going to die. What should I do?
(All of a sudden Ajax comes to the rescue.)
AJAX- I'll tell you what you can do? Hold on to me and I'll carry you to the ships away at the Scaean Gates.
(Ajax picks him up and carries him away.)
You're heavier than a Trojan Horse!
(Athena looking down on it all from Mount Olympus as Zeus is behind her glowing forth.)
ATHENA- It looks like Odysseus wins the votes to wear Achilles' Armor instead of Ajax.
ZEUS- What about the Prize of Honor Helen?
Who would want those hand me downs?
ATHENA- Someone will rescue her!
(Homer gets the Trojan Horse ready for an offering as everybody climbs in.)
HOMER- All aboard!
(Odysseus straggles last.)
VIRGIL- What's wrong? Are you on your last rocker, hurry it up!
ODYSSEUS- Wait up for me!
(The Trojan Horse is sitting around a bunch of Troy soldiers.)
APOLLO- This is a gift from the Achaeans.
TROY SOLDIER- We'll open it tomorrow!
(From Inside the Trojan Horse.)
ODYSSEUS- When they fall asleep; you guys fight them off while I get our Prize of Honor.
(That night the Troy soldiers lie asleep around the Trojan Horse. The Greeks get out and start to fight them as Odysseus sneaks off towards Helen in the City of Priam. Athena steps out and blocks him from moving along)
ATHENA- And who are you?
ODYSSEUS- I'm a Trojan Hag!
BAYER
(The setting is a tennis court with a woman sweating really hard from playing tennis. She wipes some sweat from her forehead with her forearm and wipes it on her shirt.)
TENNIS PLAYER- Getting bayer really helped me when I almost had bad heat stroke. I was sweating and exerting myself.
(The woman tennis player swings at the tennis ball really hard and nearly falls leaning over too much.)
Now every time I play tennis and feel like I'm going to have heat stroke or sweat.
(The lady tennis player takes off her shirt nearly.)
I get bayer!
Then I went ahead and told my friends about it.
(Now the setting becomes two women playing tennis sweating and exerting themselves hitting the tennis ball back and forth over the net to each other with their tops nearly off.)
Now they get bayer
VOICE OVER- Getting bayer, doctor recommended.
RUDE FAST FOOD LAND
(The setting is the inside of a fast food establishment with a bouffant red head sitting there. She is a type of mascot for the fast food restaurant.)
RUDE- Don't come near me!
(A child with his tray of food passes by and heads to an empty table somewhere.)
KID- You isn't any Ronald McDonald with that messy hairdo.
RUDE- No I'm not, I'm the "Rude Fast Food Land" mascot. And I hate kids you think this place is like a playground.
KID- So I'm not here to play, I'm here to bother you.
RUDE- No you're not, just take your Kid's Meal and sit down some where!
(A little girl sits at the table next to the lady.)
RUDE- Don't sit here your making messes every time you come to eat here.
GERTRUDE GIRL- I wanted a kid's meal, not a "Rude Meal."
RUDE- Now just look, take that Kid's Meal and go sit down I said. I hate to have to be rude, didn't you read the sign outside, "I hate to be rude, just get your meal and get the heck out of here!"
KID- Whatever Rude Lady!
RUDE FAST FOOD LAND II
(The very same setting as the skit before with another exciting episode of "Rude Fast Food Land." A guy has just paid for his meal.)
RUDE- Did you just pay for that?
DUDE- Yes.
(Rude puts her fisted thumb towards the door hinting for him to leave.)
RUDE- Just make sure you pay for it and then take it and leave the premises.
DUDE- But I wanted to sit down!
RUDE- Do you see any tables?
(The dude looks around with amazement at how the place is empty.)
DUDE- No.
RUDE- That's because I took them all out of here!
(Rude walks away as he gives her the finger. Then she approaches three girls sitting on the floor.)
RUDE- What did I tell you at the counter?
GERTRUDE GIRL- You said, "Get it and get out of here." So I'm hurrying up to eat it so we can get out of here!
RUDE- No, no, no…….. You know why they call it the Rude Mac Burger? So you can mac on it fast and then get the heck out of here!
BARKINATOR
(The setting is the Terminator two movie with some cinema sound effects from the security guard at the asylum. The T1000 on the phone talking to the TX model.)
T1000- What's the dog's name?
KID- Rover!
T1000- Is Wolfe there?
TX- Yes, he's here!
T1000- Yes, I can hear him he's really barking loud.
TX- It must be those dog biscuits.
T1000- I thought I heard barking!
TX- Well, this is cinema so our sound effects are with the dog biscuits.
Roof, roof, you little……….
T1000- Those are some loud biscuits crunching.
It sounds more like a security officer's head for such a sound effect!
TX- When you coming home son?
T1000- Bite me!
WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS
(Two dudes are sitting on the couch talking.)
DUDE 1- What happened to that girl you were seeing?
DUDE 2- I don't know, she hasn't come around lately. She's probably seeing someone else. It's a no win situation!
DUDE 1- I know how you could win!
DUDE 2- Yaw right, how?
DUDE 1- You could play the Pick 3 using her apartment number. It works for me every time. I color in the numbers and presto, I cash in big time.
DUDE 2- Then what do you do?
DUDE 1- What do you mean, what do I do, I say, "Bite me you idiot?"
Sometimes I'm a player and have three addresses lined up for multiple gains!
DUDE 2- You're a twerp!
ALL NIGHT
(The setting is a nightclub with a dancer springing and straddling the dance pole. A weekend straggler writes his phone number on a dollar bill and sticks it in her garment.)
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- Here's my phone number!
DANCER- I don't take rain checks.
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- It's a date!
DANCER- I'm married!
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- Rings don't work on me!
DANCER- No, but my fist does the trick!
(Then a bouncer walks up and approaches from behind and grabs the dollar bill.)
BOUNCER- We don't except blind dates.
WEEKEND STAGGLER- I'm not blind!
BOUNCER- You will be when I punch your lights out!
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- Then I'll just hit on the other dancer!
BOUNCER- She's dating the bartender.
(The weekend straggler looks towards the bar as the bartender tips a bottle of booze to him.)
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- This place is for hosiers.
(The bouncer grabs him by the shoulder and tells him to leave.)
WEEKEND STRAGGLER- I thought I came to an all-nighters’, not a family reunion!
BUSTALOS
(The setting is a dancing show called Dance Idol with three score keepers sitting at a row of tables on the set. One of the score keepers calls on the next patron to do an act.)
BUSTALOS- So who do we have next; he says he's a computer hacker and every night dancer named Buster.
(Buster walks out ready to do his dance routine while the score keepers are eager to watch.)
BUSTALOS- So what kind of dance routine have you geared up for us tonight?
(Buster breaks a back step kick like he's doing the moonwalk or something or other.)
BUSTER- Well, I came here tonight because I have several different dance routines!
(The second scoring referee steps in to the conversation.)
BUSTAMAN- This one I learned from a Macy's modeling chick named Andrea.
BUSTALOS- And what's that?
(He starts to do the Cha Cha.)
BUSTER- I can do the Cha Cha!
(He repeats himself dancing.)
Or I can do the Cha Cha Chas!
(He turns around dancing back to his original position.)
And I can also do the Cha Cha Cha Chas!
(The female score keeper Bustalos gets confused.)
BUSTALOS- And what's the difference?
(Buster gets a confused look on his face.)
BUSTER- The difference is that I 'm strung out on coffee right now and don't know the difference.
(The three score keepers boo him down.)
BUSTAMAN- Boohoos!
(They all start booing Buster.)
ALL OF THEM- Boohoos!
BUSTAFRIEND- You are disqualified!
BLOCK PARTY
(The setting is a block party on a cul-de-sac with all of the neighbors from nearby homes enjoying themselves. The music is blaring super loud. The cops arrive and approach the party slowly observing the drunks rummaging around. An older drunk lady gets excited about the block party.)
DRUNKEN LADY- Let's gets some excitement around here!
HER DRUNKEN SISTER- I called for some excitement, it should be here anytime!
(The cops make their way towards the two drunken older ladies.)
DRUNKEN LADY- Are you those strippers she called for, take it off, and take it off?
(The cops get very serious.)
COP- No, we are the real cops.
HER DRUNKEN SISTER- Take them off, take them off anyway!
COPS- You knows, we could take you in for that?
DRUNKEN LADY- Take them off, take them off!
(The cops change their mind after thinking about it.)
COPS- Oh, why not!
(The cops get in to the party and begin to have a good time.)
SASSY MOMMA
(The setting is the "Ain't your Momma" set again, although this time there is a much heavier set lady cooking some pancakes. She flips her hair around and fondles it like the other previous lady. Then she flips the pancakes over and grabs the same dinner chime and rings it for the same son and daughter of the house.)
SFX- SILVER DINNER CHIMES THREE TIMES
(There are the same two white kids sleeping in the same room with beds next to each other. A little boy and daughter both wake up wondering what the dinner chimes are and who is ringing them once again.)
SASSY MOMMA- Come and get them!
SON- What the shatter?
DAUGHTER- Who the heck was that?
SON- Beats me this time!
SASSY MOMMA- (Loud voice again from downstairs.) Come and get it before school!
(Then all of a sudden both kids come running downstairs and approach the table as a strange black lady flips pancakes on their plates.)
SON- Now, who the heck are you?
DAUGHTER- What the heck?
SASSY MOMMA- Well, I sure aren't your momma!
(The Sassy Momma of the house puts the pancake syrup on the table while buffeting her hair along the way.)
SON- Then who are you?
SASSY MOMMA- Don't you all study cinema, you know movies?
SON- Not lately!
SASSY MOMMA- I'm your Sassy Momma!
DAUGHTER- Now isn't that a little bit interracial?
(Sassy Momma starts to change.)
SASSY MOMMA- Now, don't you start to get sassy with me. Eat your pancakes, take out the trash, wash the dishes, and then be on your way.
(The bottle of syrup is sitting on the table with Sassy Momma on the label.)
VOICE- OVER- Sassy Momma, meaner than an old coot!
STREET MAMMY
(The setting is an ordinary street with a bike lane right along a sidewalk. There is a bicyclist riding as a colored lady passes. Quickly and nonchalantly she shrieks something.)
STREET MAMMY- One hundred an hour baby!
(The bicyclist passes and turns back to see if she is on the phone talking to someone else.)
BICYCLIST- Is she talking to me or is she on the phone.
(The bicyclist nearly wrecks and falls in the grass and racks himself. Then he gets up barely.)
STREET MAMMY- (Looking back) I told you a hundred an hour baby!
BICYCLIST- What did you just say to me?
STREET MAMMY- I said a hundred an hour baby!
BICYCLIST- What are you a hooker?
STREET MAMMY- What do I look like?
BICYCLIST- Who knows?
If I had a hundred dollars I would want a model or someone hot.
STREET MAMMY- I can make it hot.
BICYCLIST- Yes, maybe with your water bottle or on a summer day!
STREET MAMMY- What did you say to me?
BICYCLIST- I said have a nice day!
MET A MULE SO
(The setting is two women sitting at a bar talking.)
BLONDE- It's hard meeting new people these days.
BRUNETTE- I know, I can't meet anybody these days either.
BLONDE- Well, I never give up and there's hardly anyone at this bar.
(Then their friend walks up to them with some flowers.)
RED HEAD- Hello!
BLONDE- Where did you get those?
RED HEAD- I met someone very special last night.
BRUNETTE- Where did you meet him?
RED HEAD- On the farm.
BLONDE- One of those cowboys.
BRUNETTE- They doesn't step in enough manure to date you.
RED HEAD- Really, he's very special and owns a ranch and pans gold like a conquistador. I met a mule so!
VOICE OVER- Met a mule so, when it's hard to meet anyone but a conquistador.
Below is a link to the "More Onstage Comedy Material" subpage 2.