A
When you’re an author other people want to rewrite your books because they are too stupid to write one themselves.
There are two kinds of people in this world. There are alligators, and the rest of them are full of crock.
Why do most accidents happen in the yield lane? Like most drivers want to yield to a head on collision. “Err wreck; oh no I’ll miss karaoke tonight!
Why do most airline stewardesses have apartments in every city? They figure the more stops the better. Not only do they carry tiny 150 ml bottles of liquor with themselves to the casino, but they also have more ports than a yacht club and have even more ports than a pack of Newport’s.
Rear- You either has to be smacking others on the rear or you’re getting your own butt smacked and behind kicked!
If she works at Arby’s, she might add some horsey sauce to your order!
Artifacts- the Bureau has gone from artifacts to Sonoran Desert cactus pricks to real pricks. They just like a lot of pricks. There’s a Mexican behind a Saguaro cactus up the drug corridor with his pants down. Does that make him a Taco Prick? There’s a jack rabbit behind him with his two ears pointing over the barrel cactus. It’s a jack prick. Another jack rabbit elopes. It’s a jack lope prick.
If you think those stock brokers in Chicago are going to invest my money with Al Scarface Capone and some moonshine, tell you what moonshine they can kiss, their Brokers?
Avaris Space Fish- I’ve been trying to write about the Avaris Space Fish, although all I get is a can of worms, or a can of sardines from everybody!
What do they call Aqua man south of the border in Mexico? Agua Man.
B
In the last Batman film with the Joker who did the Joker’s make-up? Earl Schieb, Bill Maco, a Puerto Rican with a spray can.
And Batman said, “And Cat Woman is bringing Ethereum from Gotham to Metropolis!” Robin asks, “And what are you going to do about it Bit Man, I mean Batman?” Then Batman answers back, “What I am going to do Robin while you wait at the Bat Mobile and scratch your butt, is bang her like a wild bat and exchange her Ethereum for Bitcoin. What do you think of that Robin?” And Robin says, “That sounds like a great idea Batman!” Then as Robin turns away and leans back on the side of the Bat Mobile he says, “Two timer slut!”
Everybody is full of bull, or they are a crock of bull, heck everybody is just full of malarkey.
Bob wasn’t even worth a nickel; even the actor Nicolas Cage would buy you more drinks at the pub than Bobby. Heck Bob’s so tight that he wouldn’t let the sweat off his jock strap go for nothing.
Bob, he isn’t no baby boomer, “I’ll say that much!”
I’ve heard about the birds and the bees: but the bats and the bees is a different story. Who wants honey that gives rabies?
You borrow a friend’s bedroom to be with a chick and the parents come home saying, “Oops it’s time for another vacation?”
Are you going to brooch them? Well the jewelry hairdresser brooches Johnny Depp’s hair!
Bull crud! I’ll tell you the bull crud Stock Ticker. That’s Bull for Bull because everybody leads you to buy crud.
Bless my heart bless my soul, I’ve never seen a state pharmaceutical nudist named Sam with a California Black Beach a-hole!
Superman Peanut Butter- Is that why he stands like a "man of steel" with his hands to his hips with his arms out, so he can lick the peanut butter from his armpits when it's time for lunch.
Or how about nearly licking draino from your lips when someone threw a draino bomb at me at a store. I would like to throw a balloon bomb of that shit up the tailpipe up his rear.
C
Ever go camping by a small lake and think “I’ll take a swim and then some local farmer comes up and says, “You can’t swim in there, the cows drink from there.” You reply, “I don’t care what are you going to do throw some corn at me, some pop secrets, how about your local farmers throw some Orville Redenbacher my way.”
My favorite cinema film cut is from Encino Man when his parents arrive home, “Your parents are here.” My parents,” he replies. Then Linkovich Chomosky frantically screams, “Arggghhh!! Of course, the classic choice would be “The Graduate” if it weren’t for Misses Robinson’s tan line.
Here’s another cinema joke, they have images like Chow Yun Fat, heck I want to Chow Yun Ho!
Read a cinema book entitled “Dogville versus Hollywood.” Now I realize Hollywood is nothing more than a bunch of Dogville dog chow. "Roof, roof give me kibbles and bits!"
Cinema Test- What Marx brother played an instrument? Was it fluto, saxo, guitarro, or Harpo?
Other people always snub their nose in to other people’s crapper,”Hey buddy, snub your nose in to somebody else’s crapper. That gets very annoying, “Then snubs your nose back in your own.”
The Jewed Coronado Priests think they can eavesdrop a conquistador dude and draw up his stuff. Well, the arrastra Indian miner left his sweaty stained boxers for you guys also. Why don’t you guys draw them up? What’s wrong, don’t you guys like Peanut Butter Captain Crunch?
That chick is so hot. I’d drink her bathwater.
China Panda Doll- Saw a doll of a child dressed up like a panda bear. I thought China was all out of Pandas?
D
Why is it when you’re dating a girl who is seeing other guys it is usually their brother?
You have to be careful if you have a black date, they may have a sassy mammy they have to answer to, “I’ll have her home early.” She replies, “You better, or I’ll bend you over my knee like the sassy mammy that I am. Now beat it!”
Really does poison ivy give jock itch?
Disney’s movie “A Lady and a Tramp.” Like anybody is looking for a lady and a tramp. If someone needs a lady with a tramp they could find that at work or school nowadays.
You can blame Johnny Depp’s hairdresser. Why does Edward Scissorshand need a hairdresser anyhow?
Dakota Indian- Who is the horse with him Rolling Rock?
Daffy Duck impersonation- Is that a carrot you’re eating or are you happy to see me?
Debitage is actually two words. Debit age. That tells you that the world is turning to crap.
Drill Bit Joke- An England manufacture manufactures the wolrd's smallest drill and sends it to a Swiss drill bit manufacturing company saying in a letter, “Hey look, it’s the world’s smallest drill bit." Two weeks later the Swiss drill bit manufacturing company sends it back with a letter saying, “No it’s not. Take a look at your drill bit. There’s a hole in it!”
The only degrees that school has are the degrees deodorant sticks they are out at the beginning of the semester, that’s because they ran out of Menn deodorant sticks.
Dumb Email- A foreign athlete emails saying that he's in a Canadian Airport and he needs a loan of $100 dollars because his $five million dollars is in your name and he needs the money to straighten it out. First of all dude, if you're in Canada and you don't speak French neither do I so I guess he can go work out and sweat the whole entire bluff off.
Another Dumb Email- A email comes from a girl in South America and she wants you to call a number so that her refugee camp will let her come to America to go to school while you manage her quarter million dollars. But if her crooked cousins find out they will find her. Well, honey sounds like you need a green card and a Mexican Lottery Ticket!
E
Why does everybody want what everybody else wants? Can’t they get it themselves?
Then when you are shopping there’s the easy check out where most of the slow pokes go to get in your way when you want to shop faster. Then they pull out an expired coupon and hold the line up a few aisles back.
And there are others who are so easy at being cheap that they will lie at the convenience store. “Which hot dogs did you get? The ones at the end or the ones in the middle,” the clerk asks while the customer replies, “The cheap ones?” The clerk adds, “Not the Polish dogs?” The customer responds, “I’m not Polish.”
Indian Extensions- What’s an Indian Extension? Is it when the Pirates of the Caribbean Hairdresser gives an Indian a hair extension, or is it when you’re waiting on an Indian and he doesn’t show up? You give him an Indian extension. Is this a Pirate joke or what?
Energy Drinks- Most people can’t clock in for work unless they have their energy drinks before they start. They are like, “They don’t have my favorite energy drink so I’m not clocking in and going to work. Coffee doesn’t do it for me. I looked around the whole store and everyone drank up my energy drink. They don’t have my green monster drink in and I’m quitting!” Even the Devonian human like “Age of the Fish” wouldn’t make the “Creature from the Black Lagoon” set crying, “I can’t wear my swanky green outfit without me green monster fricking drink!”
F
What about all of the dipshits out looking for fossils like Brachiopods and Cephalopods? An amateur would ask, “Is this a shark tooth?” An archaeologist replies, “No it’s a crinoid, this area is Permian, meaning it was an ocean before. A lot of people mistake that for a coccolith. In other words a shark crap or a shark tooth stuck in a shark crap. Anyhow who really knows the difference?"
For every ten people you meet, nine are a bunch of crock.
Freaking Sick II- This girl is Nice and Easy, and this girl is Nice and Easy. But these fat slobs are fat and sleazy!
Frito Lay (Free to Lay) - A chick out for the night on the town, “Oh, the chip vendor, I’ll just hit on him……….. Hey isn’t Jane Seymour Frito Lay?
Fidel Castro- What did his cigar say after having his first baby? It’s a Cuban! Then what did he say at the Cuban Dance hall after meeting his wife for the first time lighting another cigar? She’s a Cuban!
There’s still another cinema class called “Women in Films” if you want a female anthropologist hero like Keystone Jones with the front of her shirt rolled up!
Foreign Dating- It’s hard to get laid on a foreign date when her father dressed like a sandman has to sleep there too and the father comes up to the bed lifting up the sheets when you’re both in bed to do an inspection for the real husband.
Talk about stars with wars- Did the mouse eat the fox?
G
Why do the gamers like the people who play War Craft subscribed online have more brains than the Literary Agents when it comes to computer issues?
Most Literary Agents couldn’t sell a water softener!
No one knows how to do anything else—How about asking a gamer nudist?
That’s what George Brett said, “You’re like a hemorrhoid you can’t bat off!”
He said the coffee gave him a headache. It’s not chicory, there’s just a bunch of Garfield Grandma’s around this place trying to poison us to take our jobs away!
G-string chicks--- Girls wanting more money handed to them easy like. She’ll be walking in that G-string so much trying to earn an extra dollar that it won’t even be underwear anymore, just a wet rag.
Those guys couldn’t discover flies on a bull?
I heard it through the grape vine that after this lawsuit, they’ll have more money than the Amanda Gay case. Oh, or did I mean the Marvin Gaye case.
H
Some singer is always copy catting the Go Go’s, maybe they are all on the go-go-go!
Someone walks in to run the show. Who do they think they are Mel Gibson, Road Warrior, or maybe even Hamlet?
People are such honky tonks nowadays. They act like they want you to talk to them. Then when you do they act different saying, “I don’t care about that!” Blow off honky takes a hike, or make like Michael Jackson and Beat it!”
Heck after that B-day cake give me cash, or a few brew skies afterwards. Or how about just some Prilosec. Couldn’t you just save nine dollars and take a Rolaids?
Hardees Restaurants- In Ogden, Utah all the people who work there are a hard ass!
Holly Hunter Raising Arizona- “I thought the Terminator III chick was a Holy Hunter! You want Film Comedy, this is Film Comedy. You can ex the Coen Brothers from directing. Unless you want the runs from Nicolas Cage’s stocking or some Nathan Junior runs from his stolen Huggies!
Hermaphrodites- Would an advertiser needs a Hermaphrodite to help advertise? They can wear a panty, bra, or a jock strap!
Hook and Lake- I think he hooked the swamps.
I
If she were the Indian and Carter Jones, she’d be the Indian and a Jones. Get it Indiana Jones!
In that scene she should quit pussy anting around. Who are you talking about Cate Blanchet?
Here’s a book that simply just shoots the breeze!
Rocking Robin don’t shut up about the coffee at work, he says, “There’s a lot of Rocking Robin Grandma’s around here these days spiking the coffee.” I say, “What do you expect from a Lone Butte Grandma anyways?”
Talk about an Italian Film Comedy Cinema Book with an Italian Clown on the cover. “Hey the Italian Clown has got to go!”
If you aren’t a real player shut your rear!
How do you keep three Indians from fighting? Layout some black jack!
It’s time to update your Real Player you fool!
Indian Anthropologists- “I don’t care about a Wooly Mammon toot fossil!”
In this world if you’re not talking you’re listening!
Innuit- I knew it, they’d rip off the Eskimos.
J
Why does everyone think life is a strip tease, some girls go so far to shop wearing no shoes and who knows what else?
The Jolly Green Giant don’t get mad at a bad sales day, “Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!!”
The Jolly Green Giant Comparison- The Hulk – “What, do you think I’m the Jolly Green Giant and I’m going to rip through my shorts a frozen bag of green beans and peas?’
Jive Talking—Want to be a history major. After all of the history classes, cinema classes, many anthropology classes, and music history—the only thing left is Jazz—if you’re Roy Scheider—“All that Jazz” Jive Talking telling no lies ya, Jive Talking it’s understood ya!”
Johnson and Johnson, an overdosed of baby powder company, or use a plastic bag and drown your heirs to death.
Jamaican- What’s you making?
Johnny Crack Corn- The usher in the bow tie took his popcorn because Johnny cracked corn and he doesn’t care!
James Bond- “Are you James Bond?” Reply, “No, I’m Bitcoin Bond; give me a dry martini and a few bitcoins and I won’t smack you around any! Now I sound like Humphrey Bogart and you’ll like it!”
K
She said she was like a kick boxer, “Well kick my boxers off you karate stud.”
I guess there aren’t that many jokes that are kinky enough to put under the letter K, huh!
Well, isn’t that so kick ass?
I don’t have any more karate the kid jokes.
Even the word crap isn’t spelled with a letter K!
Oh, well shoot: I’ll just kill this letter anyhow!
Killer- A bad killer who killed someone nobody liked! The Jury – “We find the defendant sort of guilty, but uh, sort of innocent because we didn’t like that person anyhow. We think the defendant should get a free trip to the liquor store and we’ll throw him a hell of a midnight bash! And then we’ll get him drunk and help him laugh it off!”
L
A lot of people get gold rush fever over fool’s gold or iron pyrite, it’s also considered levirate because you should leave it right there. Gold you take it in and get cash at those expensive prices.
It’s hard to profile chicks with just lipstick, oh that looks like NYC, or maybe Maybelline!
“Is that Stetson you’re wearing?” “No cheap Jordache.”
Oh what, you need a lumber jack to trim your hair? Who are you Paul Bunyan?
Lucky Strikes- There’s lots of chicks at Retrix in Logan, more than Mr. Lucky’s. If he had twenty Lucky Strikes, let him switch to Marlboro.
What, you worked for a Lion’s Gate? So what are you going to do stand in front of the MGM Lion and roar your rear off for a while! You don’t look like the Marx Brothers to me!
We just bought an LC computer monitor, “Life is cruddy!”
Lawyer- Be your own lawyer and when you sue that punk you can pay your own pocket your lawyer fees and charge him for all of the court fees. Then you can put a check in both of your front pockets and both of your back pockets and even one in your shirt pocket.
My spaceship is so big that it makes the Star Wars Death Star look like a little space disco ball.
M
Mitsubishi- Meet it and beat it you piece of?
With those advertisements you can’t even get a haircut for $13.00. Heck, I’ll just stay a mop head.
Everybody is a bunch of gold diggers; they beat you like a silly boob and milk you to death!
That marriage was no Macy’s day parade, I’ll tell you that much!
What the heck you get some boxers with moths drawn on and have moths in your pants, or draw crabs on and have crabs in your pants, or draw some ants on and have ants in your pants!
Monte Python~~ Monte Python~~ you have snakes in your pants!
Wow! Eminem’s old Michigan Pizza Manager Elise is in Film Comedy Class~~ Well they couldn’t beat me with a soggy bag of peanut M&Ms to keep me out of class now!
Mary Poppins—what she popping a little tyke Dick?
Miley Cyrus—if they think sending her topless scandal is going to weasel anything that only works at Disneyland! No wonder she turned to the Hunger Games!
Two gay guys on a mystery novel cover. I guess they both caught each other a snag.
Just think of trying to do a Math 182 Review with 75 math problems for an hour and fifteen minute class test when even Superman on crack couldn't pass that math test.
The movie industry wants to steal your story because they can’t get their own wet dream and their own bed time story, I guess.
Below is a link to "Everybody is full of Crock" subpage 2.