Onstage Comedy Material

SFX- GROWLING AND MOANING OF THE OTHER PATIENTS

(Peter tries to sit, but can't. Everyone who works in the office is looking at him laughing even the secretary. Then a blonde looks and laughs.)

BLONDE- Did someone set your squirrel free, or did someone burn your hemorrhoids.

(Peter looks away from the blonde as the secretary calls his name.)

SECRETARY- Peter the doctor will see you know!

(Peter walk's to the doctor's examination room and sits down on the examination table when the doctor comes in.)

PETER- Doc, I just can't stop itching.

DOCTOR- What did you do last night?

PETER- Played pool!

DOCTOR- You're probably itching because when you were playing pool last night you left the eight ball in your corner pocket.

PETER- What's that supposed to mean?

DOCTOR- Well you know, the ball game is over! You have a Viral Infection probably.

PETER- So what do I do now?

DOCTOR- Nothing, the only thing you can do is pass it on!

VOICE OVER- Viral Infections; there isn't a cure but you can pass them on!

THE MAN AT THE CORNER

(A business man is walking down the street. He walks passed a bum holding a sign saying, "Will work for Liquor.")

BUM- Hey!!!!!! Do you have some spare change I can borrow?

BUSINESS MAN- Borrow! When are you going to pay me back?

BUM- It's so I can buy a bottle of liquor.

BUSINESS MAN- Tell you what, here's two bucks so that you can buy yourself a beer.

(Bum takes the money and starts walking down the street mumbling.)

SFX- BUM MUMBLING.

(The business man starts to follow him as he crosses the street. The business man gets right up behind him as close as possible. The bum turns back and looks at the business man.)

BUM- Why are you following me?

BUSINESS MAN- I just wanted to make sure you ain't lying about buying liquor and turn around to buy some soup.

BUM- Like I'm dressed for a bowl of soup.

BUSINESS MAN- I thought you were dressed for a food line.

BOGUS CHECK MART

(A lady with a check walks inside a very strict grocery store to see if she can cash her check. She walks up to the store manager and hands him the check.)

MANAGER- Another bogus check, that's a good way to get rid of them. Two bucks, heck Bogus Check Mart across the street will give you three bucks, let me throw this in the trash and I will hand you three bucks because I don't want to get in trouble again for holding up the line.

LADY- That check was for five hundred dollars!

MANAGER- Oh I'm sorry, I didn't notice. Do you have a picture identification to prove you aren't a minor?

LADY- Minor…… I'm one of the majors.

(Manager points across the street.)

MANAGER- If you are a major than you should go across the street to Bogus Check Mart.

(Lady walks across the street to Bogus Check Mart.)

NARRATOR- At Bogus Check Mart we will cash your check whether it is bad, bogus, or has insufficient funds.

(The Bogus Check Mart clerk gives her the five hundred dollars. Then another guy walks up to another Bogus Check Mart clerk working there.)

GUY- What a bunch of morons across the street?

NARRATOR- At Bogus Check Mart; we don't care how many people are morons and have to cash a check.

LOST

(Two guys are looking for a disco club but they are totally lost. They are dressed up for a night on the town. They are walking around the outside of a strip mall like plaza. They walk around the corner to a street in a Mexican neighborhood.)

ROD- Man this isn't the street there's a Mexican disco club on. We're in the wrong neighborhood.

RICHARD- What was the name of that street we were looking for?

ROD- Some street with a new wave club!

RICHARD- Must be around here somewhere. Maybe we are looking in the wrong place. Let's look over here!

ROD- I have an idea, let's ask this guy.

(Rod points to a bum on the street.)

RICHARD- He doesn't look new wave.

ROD- No, but he might know where the club is located.

RICHARD- Hey! Do you know where the new wave club is at around here?

(The bum looks at his bottle thinking that they are asking him what he is drinking.)

BUM- No, this is cheap vodka, you want some?

RICHARD- I told you we shouldn't asked a bum. I'm surprised he didn't ask us for change. He thought I was asking for a sip.

ROD- If I wanted a sip, it better be a beer.

RICHARD- For me it would be two beers.

(They continue to walk away.)

BUM- Go new wave my friend!

BODY SEARCH

(An officer at a high school is walking passed some class rooms and enters in to the locker room area. He sees two suspicious students passing the other a cigarette. Chris one of the students sees him and hides the pack of cigarettes in his front pocket. The officer confronts the both of them and takes them both to the office.)

SFX- Students groaning on the way towards his office.

OFFICER- I saw that………….. (OFFICER APPROACHES CLOSER) Now hand those cigarettes over!

CHRIS (FIRST STUDENT) - Hand what over you old pig!

PAUL- (SECOND STUDENT) - What are you talking about officer?

(In the officer's office he gets ready to have them both empty their pockets.)

OFFICER- Alright you two smoker's empty your pockets out on the table here.

CHRIS- Before I empty my pockets, I have to ask you! Where would you kiss a rabbit, between the ears or on the rear-end?

OFFICER- Between the ears.

(Chris empties out his pocket and pulls the inside out so that the white part of the pockets is showing. He holds the pack of cigarettes in his hand.)

CHRIS- Are you sure? Now kiss the rabbit.

OFFICER- Very funny, now just hand me the cigarettes before I bust you for making fun of an officer. But of course I should have said the rear end because this younger generation is such a pain in the rear end. Now go out and buy another pack of cigarettes so that I can catch you two again.

MOP TILL DEATH

(Kids tracking mud and dirt inside of a kitchen while scuffing up the kitchen linoleum.)

MC- Tired of those little brats ruining and messing up your kitchen floor.

(An old lady like the one on the Old Dutch cleanser bottle comes and chases them out shooting a cloud of cleanser dust. She throws the cleanser bottle at them hitting one of them in the head. The other one she hits in the head with a broom stick.)

MC- Then what you need is "Mop till Death."

(A hand reaches in to the set showing the product with a dead granny on the bottle as an illustration with the logo "Mop till Death" on the top.)

MC- This very hi-tech new product will leave you spotless and boneless.

(The old lady gets down on her hand and knees scrubbing.)

MC- Just squirt on a sponge and it will do the rest. Removes dirt, mud, and even scuff marks that brats leave like these.

(The old lady wiping down the scuff marks.)

MC- And another great fact about "Mop till Death" is that……………………………….

(The old lady falls over lying down on her back dead.)

MC- It will give both you and your floor a fine finish!

(A close-up shot of the product "Mop till Death" sitting on a shiny kitchen floor.)

MC- Sponge and body bag not included!

CLEAN EYES

(A teacher dressed in a white doctor's outfit holding a long chalk stick is standing in front of the chalkboard. He draws two circles with dots in the center. The teacher points to a student with long black like hair looking like a hippie.)

TEACHER- What do you think these are?

HIPPIE- They look like cha chas!

TEACHER- These are not cha chas!

(The teacher points to another student holding up his hand.)

ANOTHER HIPPIE- Your eyes when you first saw her cha chas!

(The teacher gets a stressed look on his face.)

TEACHER- Maybe this will help.

(The teacher adds dots inside the circles.)

TEACHER- Now what's that look like?

(The hippie raises his hand again as the teacher points at him.)

TEACHER- Yes.

HIPPIE- Cha Chas with goose bumps.

(The teacher gets angry again. The teacher redraws them back to original and points to them.)

TEACHER- No these are your eyes.

(The teacher points to the freckled set.)

TEACHER- And these are red-eyes!

SFX- STUDENTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY

(The teacher grabs a bottle of the clean eyes product.)

TEACHER- To remove redness it should be clear; Clean Eyes!

HIPPIE- (BLURTS OUT) So the next time I see cha chas and my eyes get real red, I should use clean eyes.

THE NEARLY DEAD GAME

(The host comes out from stage left. He walks to his post while waving. He sits down and turns to the audience.)

HOST- Welcome, sex offenders, perverts, and weirdoes to the Nearly Dead Game. The show that asks honeymoon couples how their honeymoons went and to see if any of them makes it out of this show alive. I'm the host Choke or Strangle and here's our first honeymoon couple. She's a winder washer and molly maid, her husband is a DJ from the south. Meet Sue and Sonny.

(Sue and Sonny are sitting there.)

HOST- Then to the right of them is Porsche and Rich. I wonder who wears the pants in that family Rich.

(Porsche and Rich are sitting there next to Sunny and Sue.)

RICH- Well I told her, if she wants to get in these pants then I'd better be wearing them and she better get a bigger G-string with more tips so I can afford that dang on Porsche of hers.

(The entire set is in the shot.)

HOST- Good for you Rich I hope you took care of it.

Then least but not last we have our two girl couple Kinky and Bunny.

(Kinky and Bunny are sitting there waving and smiling.)

They were married two days ago in the Virgin Islands. With a name like that I wonder if they are still virgins and didn't get any. I wonder which one wears the pants in that family.

(The Host sort of chuckles with his hand to his lips.)

SFX- AUDIENCE LAUGHING

HOST- I would like all husbands to leave the room, so I can ask their spouses the questions. Which one of you wears the pants in the family Kinky or Bunny? One of you has to go.

And the questions are; question number one.

What were the kinkiest things your husband did on your honeymoon?

And question number two?

What was the most romantic?

You have twenty seconds to jot the answer down you two girls.

(Kinky and Bunny write down their answers on the white board they have sitting on their lap with their markers. Soon twenty seconds goes by.)

HOST- Okay, your twenty seconds is up. Kinky you come out from behind there and leave those anchormen alone.

SFX- KINKY YELLS OW!

(Finally Kinky sits back down with Bunny.)

HOST- The question I asked your wives was "What were the kinkiest things you did to your wives while making whoopee on your honeymoons, and the most romantic. We'll start with you Sonny.

(The entire set in the shot.)

SONNY- I think the kinkiest thing I did was rub lotion on her back, and the most romantic was because I'm a DJ from the south was play a song about how love has everything to do with it!

(Sue holds up her sign that says, "Pulled out the Ham and stuck in the bone.")

HOST- That's not what she said. She said the kinkiest thing you did was pulled out the ham.

SONNY- Pulled out the ham?

SUE- That's right, you're so skinny all you've got is bone. And love has everything to do with it. All I can remember is you kept replaying that song until my hair…...................I mean my Whig almost fell off.

RICH- I think the kinkiest thing I did was walk around the room with my blue moon boxers and the most romantic was getting ready for fast love.

(Porsche holds up the white board that says, "Bored and Stroked and ready for warp speed.")

HOST- Porsche says your right on both.

You two take the lead you both have the most points.

Okay, it's your turn Bunny!

BUNNY- I think the most kinkiest thing I did to Kinky was I told her I was really a woman lover, and the most romantic was pull her top off at the beach in front of everyone.

KINKY- That was the kinkiest thing you did but I was going to take my top off anyways. You had me riding the wave like one of them surfer boys doing the gyro.

(Immediately Bunny chokes Kinky.)

HOST- There we have it; another week with three honeymooners madly in love with each other,

and they are only at throat and neck trying to choke and strangle each other.

Come back next week and we will have three more couples!

PSYCHO CHICK

(A middle aged woman is trying to cash her psycho check.)

TELLER- Ah! The sum on the check says five hundred and fifty dollars and where it's supposed to say your name it says psycho schizophrenic!

MICHELLE- That's because I am a psycho schizophrenic with an imbalance!

(She hands him her psycho-schizophrenic identification. The picture of her looks like Norman Bates dressed up like his mother in the movie "Psycho.")

TELLER- I think you really only look brain-dead to me.

(The psycho-schizophrenic Michelle gets a really mad look on her face.)

MICHELLE- How about I just prove it by freaking out or bang you over the head with my fist ten times, or I'll start crying out loud. Or maybe I'll even jump back there and cash it myself. Is that identification good enough for you?

(The teller gets a satisfied look on his face.)

TELLER- Sign here!

(Then Michelle takes the check and signs it on the back.)

MICHELLE- You are lucky!

TIDY BOWL KID

(Husband comes out of the bathroom again very mad because the toilet water is blue again.)

HUSBAND- Why is there Sani-Blue in the toilet again?

WIFE- That's because I am not pregnant and I wanted to clean all these messes and chores by myself.

HUSBAND- Well, I told you to get pregnant again.

WIFE- You can't tell me to get knocked up.

HUSBAND- Oh, yes I can! I make the money around here.

WIFE- You know if I did have a kid you probably wouldn't even play with me anymore. You would probably rather play with the kid by taking him out for ice cream or maybe even to the playground. Then I would be left here all alone by myself.

HUSBAND- Well at least kids like to play, all you do is lay there.

WIFE- I knew you were using me just for a kid. That's why when we met the first thing you asked me was, "Do you have any kids?" And I said no!

HUSBAND- Well, I figured if you did have kids I could use them to get to you.

WIFE- See I knew that and that's why I found out about "Tidy Birth Control Pills."

(She shows him the box of "Tidy Birth Control Pills.")

HUSBAND- Hey! Why is that spelled like the toilet sanitizer?

WIFE- It is spelled that way because you are washed up on kids. The only laundry I'll be doing is yours and mine. And the only kid you will have is a "Tidy Bowl Kid" like the one on the box."

HUSBAND- I want to separate!

UMPIRE DEODORANT

(A Baseball Player comes off of the field heading to the dugout.)

BASEBALL PLAYER- Baseball is a very tedious sport which makes me sweat very hard if I don't use the right deodorant.

(The Baseball player is at home walking in his own personal bathroom. He steps in front of the mirror and grabs some Right Guard.)

BASEBALL PLAYER- Right Guard makes me feel fresh all day, especially under my arms.

(Baseball looks down while lifting up his shorts.)

BASEBALL PLAYER- But those private parts are a little tougher, especially when they are sweating because there are beautiful girls around. You can't put just anything on them.

(He pulls his sweat pants out a little bit again and sprays some "Umpire Deodorant" on his private parts below.)

BASEBALL PLAYER- That's why I discovered this new deodorant called "Umpire." It's for foul balls!

VOICE OVER- Umpire Deodorant! Keeps you from hitting foul balls! Don’t play ball without it!

MADAM SEER

(Rick is in the mall at the Madam Seer Gypsy vending machine. He quickly walks away laughing his head off.)

SEER GYPSY MACHINE- Give me a quarter and I'll tell you your destiny. I'm Madam Seer, I'm a gypsy.

(Rick comes home and his girlfriend is pissed off again. She thinks he has another woman and tries to scare him.)

RICK- Sorry I stayed out late.

GIRLFRIEND- It's okay! I went and talked to my psychic today. And she said that we are going to be together a very long, long time, and that we are going to have kids, own a house and all of that good stuff.

RICK- Who's your psychic?

GIRLFRIEND- Madam Seer!

RICK- Where did you meet her?

GIRLFRIEND- At an exhibit at the fairgrounds!

RICK- What exhibit?

GIRLFRIEND- The Fairgrounds exhibit with the Siamese guitar players and the skinniest woman in the world.

RICK- How can you trust psychics at the fairgrounds, they are all fakes?

GIRLFRIEND- Well, she's pretty cheap.

RICK- Well, I was at the mall today and I talked to my psychic, and she says you're a floozy and a stupid liar and she's very cheap too. She said give me a quarter and I'll tell you your destiny because we are going to be together for a long time. Would you like to know her name? I didn't think so because it's a stupid vending machine that rips you off for a quarter.

HOME FREE CLUB

(The set is a TV studio sales program with two black guys sitting next to a table of stolen goods. Their names are Free Hand Willie and the Pick Pocket Man.)

FREE HAND WILLIE- Alright all you rip off artists and car thieves. Welcome to the show called the "Home Free Club." The show that steals a lot of cool shit and then sells it directly to you for a five finger discount price. I'm Free Hand Willie and this is the Pick Pocket Man.

We are……

(They stick their thieving hands together.)

BOTH OF THEM- The Home Free Dudes.

PICK POCKET MAN- We only call it free because we get it free. You will like our discount prices and if you don't like it…............our "That's Tuff Guarantee."

FREE HAND WILLIE- We almost had a couple of special guests on our show tonight. You guessed right two famous rappers. But on the way to our show the Pick Pocket Man stole one of the rapper's wallets when he was doing a dance routine, so the other rapper said that they were going back to the slums because they didn't feel safe unless they were back in gang territory.

PICK POCKET MAN- I opened one of the rapper's wallet and found $2000 bucks and an adult gift consumer card. I thought that maybe we could sell the card but it was maxed out on sweatpants, lingerie, and some dirty magazines.

(Free Hand Willie and the Pick Pocket man point to the table and the Pick Pocket Man picks up a pearl necklace.)

FREE HAND WILLIE- At least we still have red hot items sitting at our table over here.

PICK POCKET MAN- That's right, for example. I have this beautiful pearl necklace I snagged as a charity from my girlfriend's jewelry box. Look at it shine. I must have buffed it good with our own Home Free Club Polishing Kit.

FREE HAND WILLIE- Look at that pretty thing. If I wasn't a host of the show I'd buy it for my girlfriend.

PICK POCKET MAN- You could have it right now for $19.95. That's right you heard me just $19.95. We only take major credit cards like Master Card, and Visa, because we don't want to get ripped off.

(Free Hand Willie holds up a card with their information written on it.)

FREE HAND WILLIE- Call our toll free number right now, 1-800-ITS-HOTT.

(Pick Pocket Man holds up some red raffle tickets and drops one in a jar that is filled to the top.)

PICK POCKET MAN- Also before we go and steal more stuff. I want to offer you a chance to enter our raffle to win this pink Cadillac we picked up in the slums. The pimp's timing chain broke and the girls had to get out and push.

FREE HAND WILLIE- If they can suck a ball through a garden hose.

PICK POCKET MAN- Or maybe slurp a tennis ball through a chain link fence.

Call our number and we will send you those raffle tickets. Then fill them out and send them back to:

The Home Free Club

P.O. Box 1111

Stolen from a White Neighborhood!

THE TRUANT OFFICER STORIES

(The teacher of an elementary class is taking roll of the students in the class to see who is missing on the roster.)

TEACHER- Doug?

DOUG- Here!

TEACHER- Dave?

DAVE- Here!

TEACHER- Stacy?

STACY- Here!

TEACHER- Laurie?

LAURIE- Here!

TEACHER- Rick?

RICK- Here!

TEACHER- Rick if you are going to wear ear rings, please studs only, but Rick if you were a stud then you wouldn't wear ear rings!

SFX- STUDENTS LAUGHING

TEACHER- Mary?

MARY- Here!

TEACHER- John?

(The room remains silent because John isn't present in class.)

TEACHER- John, where is John?

MARY- Maybe he's ditching or maybe he has better attendance staying at home with Suzy!

(The teacher leaves the class and heads to the truant officer's desk.)

TEACHER- John didn't show up for class again today!

(The truant officer crumbles a piece of paper in her hand.)

TRUANT OFFICER- I'll handle that!

(The truant officer walks down the school hallway and then gets in her car. Then she makes her way to John's house.)

(The truant officer pulls up to John's house.)

TRUANT OFFICER- This must be the place. I think I've been here before. They all look the same like a bunch of houses owned by spoiled brats.

If I lived in a place like a dump, I'd rather be in school.

(The truant officer knocks on the door of John's house. John's mother answers the door.)

TRUANT OFFICER- John didn't show up for school. I am here to pick him up and take him in.

MOTHER- I told him and tried to drag him out of bed, but the Suzy part hurt, she wouldn't let go and nearly dragged the both of them to the living room before I nearly tripped over Sparky.

(The truant officer goes in to John's room. John looks at her all scared. She grabs his leg and pulls him out of bed as he drops to the floor. Then she starts to pull him past the bedroom door as Suzy holds on to his right arm and the blanket at the same time. She drags the both of them through the living room and past the front door. She doesn't stop until the both of them are dragged down the driveway and in to her back seat. Then she finally drags them both through the hallway and in to class.)

SFX- STUDENTS LAUGHING

MARY- I bet you won't ditch again!

JOHN- Lay off you ditz!

TEACHER- The next time you two ditch I will come drag you to class myself!

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS

(The setting is an Angry Management Class with a black teacher who was a former football player standing in front of the class next to the chalkboard. There are lots of students sitting around the class in chairs.)

TEACHER- Welcome to Angry Management Class you will look at me like I'm the head of a football team and call me the coach of the team. I'd like to get acquainted with you all and see what angry thing got you here.

(The teacher of the class points to someone on the right.)

TEACHER- What is your name and why are you here?

JOE- My name is Joe and I am spastic and I am here because I was screaming at the top of my lungs after my wife pushed me out of bed while doing it. I was so loud and freaked out that the neighbors called the police.

TEACHER- And why did she throw you out of bed?

JOE- She said she told me I was pinching her, but I didn't hear her so she said I have a communication problem. Then I told her it's hard to communicate when I don't know any turn on words. To me it's like the cave men days where you grab them by the leg and drag them in the cave.

(Joe gets up and acts out the cave man grab.)

SFX- RRRRR RRRRRRR

TEACHER- Well let's see if there are any other spastic fellows in here!

(The teacher points to the next person.)

Okay next?

RON- My name is Ron and I'm here because I choked a plant!

TEACHER- What kind of plant was it a rose for your hot date?

Was the plant a Venus Fly Trap?

Or was the plant some type of poison ivy.

RON- No, my friend pissed me off so I didn't want to choke him and get in trouble so I choked his plant instead. I just grabbed it like this and shook it.

TEACHER- You still didn't answer me about what kind of plant it was because we could put some rock and roll in it and think it was Robert Plant.

RON- No, it was a fake plant.

TEACHER- You mean you went to jail for choking a fake plant, you're stupid.

(The teacher points to the next person.)

Okay next!

MITCH- My name is Mitch and believe it or not I choked my chicken.

TEACHER- You mean you were arrested for choking a chicken?

MITCH- Actually no!

TEACHER- You know what; I don't even want to know?

(The teacher points to the next person.)

Next?

HEATHER- My name is Heather and I was supposed to be at Alanon, but over there they didn't give you none because they are too busy playing bingo. And after seeing them strippers bring me coffee I ended up working like one and going to Striptease Anonymous. Then I found out that the strippers are a bunch of partiers who go to anything anonymous. Then I went back to boozing it up and here I am with a bunch of imbeciles.

TEACHER- Well, sounds like a bunch of the sorriest excuses I have ever heard and it's only the first quarter. Everybody stretch and take five!

SUPER STEWARDESS

(The set is an airport terminal which is very crowded because it is small and narrow like the older ones at back east. A skinny stewardess is standing by the terminal door that is open. There is a man having a cigarette who throws it out the terminal door right close to a jet that is parked just outside the terminal door. The stewardess freaks out as she transforms herself into "Super Stewardess.")

VOICE OVER- Quicker than a lit Marlboro, able to leap higher buildings than a pack a Pall Malls, can leap further than a Virginia Slim, cooler than a pack of Kool, luckier than Lucky Strikes, more generic than a pack of generics, more capricious than a pack of Capri, can fly through the door faster than a pack of Dorals, faster than a pack of loaded Camels, wins over more lit butts than a Winston, gives better head than Benson and Hedges, can spray it out better than a Misty, can handle more ports than Newport, can handle more men than Monarch, can burn them at the stake quicker than a pack of Salems, can blow the horn quicker than a rolled Bugler, will bust them more than a pack of Mores.

It's Super Stewardess!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Super Stewardess comes back in after catching the cigarette before blowing the airport up in flames.)

SUPER STEWARDESS- You crazy nut, you could have blown me, you and this whole airport up. I ought to beat your rear. Do you know who I am? I am Super Stewardess.

(The man leaves as Super Stewardess goes back to her usual daily routine as a normal stewardess.)

(Another man comes up to the terminal port with a lit cigarette. Quickly the stewardess transforms herself in to Super Stewardess again and stands in front of the doorway of the port terminal.)

SUPER STEWARDESS- Do you know who I am? I am Super Stewardess and I really hate cigarette smokers who think they can come flick their cigarettes out this terminal port doorway. So why don't you put that cigarette butt out somewhere else!

KILL THEM THEATRE

(Two Shinto Sword warriors walk on a trail up to each other.)

SFX- DUBBED IN

CHINESE SAMURI- Ah! If it isn't Fruity Pebbles!

JAPANESE SAMURI- Ah! Captain Crunch, we meet again!

CHINESE SAMURI- Why do you keep calling me Captain Crunch?

JAPANESE SAMURI- Because everybody says your sushi is a little on the crunchy side!

CHINESE SAMURI- I didn't think you'd show up this week after what had happened last week.

JAPANESE SAMURI- All you did was give me a bloody nose and a fat lip.

CHINESE SAMURI- That's because I'm a nice warrior who fights like a Master in self defense so that I only hurt you when I want to.

JAPANESE SAMURI- Well, I would rather really sword fight so that we make contact and this time maybe hurt you and feel macho.

CHINESE SAMURI- Well, let's see what you've got? Ah a practice sword. You couldn't cut cabbage with that. Benny Hanna's of Tokyo wouldn't even hire you with that thing. What are you going to do spank me?

JAPANESE SAMURI- Ah! Pretty funny, no but I could hurt you by giving you a couple of welts all over your body and embarrassing your honor.

CHINESE SAMURI- A steel sword, you couldn't pull a noodle out of a bull's behind with that thing.

JAPANESE- No, but I could cut off a limb so you can't make it home to your family and job tomorrow.

JAPANESE SAMURI- Last week that's all you brought.

CHINESE SAMURI- Well, I thought we were going to have lunch or something.

JAPANESE SAMURI- But Shinto Warriors don't even read the fortune inside their fortune cookie afterwards.

CHINESE SAMURI- No, I just eat them. By the way the last fortune cookie I read told me I had to go to church.

JAPANESE SAMURI- What kind of fortune is that? The only church I know of is in Tokyo and they steal in that church. One time a peasant stole my rice cart. There are no Holy People there.

CHINESE SAMURI- That's why I bring my real sword with me to church. If someone steals from me I cut them up until they are holy with holes all over through them.

JAPANESE SAMURI- Why if I see someone bad I just throw Holy Water on them.

CHINESE SAMURI- Tell you what next, time you bring your real sword instead of those chopsticks and we will fight to the death, how's that?

JAPANESE SAMURI- Fight to the death, huh you'll be too scared. You aren't any Kung-Fu Theatre.

CHINESE SAMURI- You'll see!

CHINESE CUISINE

(Three people as a couple walk in to a Chinese Cuisine and are immediately waited upon and placed at one of the booths and then given menus.)

MIKE- Thanks! We need a minute!

(The Oriental waitress leaves while Mike, Barry, and Stan all start looking at the menu to decide what they want for dinner.)

BARRY- I kind of would like to try the Suc Mei Wang. Do you know what you want?

STAN- I don't know, what kind of restaurant has meals named like this? I guess I'll try the Fling Sum Pork.

MIKE- I think I'll have the Sum Yung Chink!

BARRY- Waitress, we are ready to order know!

(The Chinese Cuisine waiter comes back to the table to take their order.)

WAITER- Have you decided?

MIKE- I'll have the Sum Yung Chink!

BARRY- I'll have the Suc Mei Wang!

STAN- I'll have the Fling Sum Pork!

(The waiter double checks the order by looking at them as he goes back over the order.)

WAITER- (NODDING) Fling Sum Pork, Suc Mei Wang, and Sum Yung Chink!

(The waiter leaves and heads for the kitchen. He flags the young Chinese waitress to go over to the table.)

WAITRESS- Have you all decided what you want to drink?

MIKE- What is there?

WAITRESS- We have tea, water, and moo goo.

MIKE- What's Moo Goo?

BARRY- Okay, give us three Moo Goos.

(The waiter comes back with the food as they get eager trying to look at the plates before he gets there.)

WAITER- Your young chink will be back with the Moo Goo and here's your food.

(The waiter gets ready to dish the food out on their plates.)

I'll fling you some pork I flicked with Mei Wang.

(While the waiter starts to dish the food out on their plates.)

STAN- What did you say?

WAITER- I said, "I'm flinging you pork I flicked with Mei Wang."

MIKE- You mean to tell me that you used that spoon to flick your thing?

WAITER- It's to fling the pork out!

(The waiter leaves as the waitress comes back with their drinks.)

WAITRESS- Here's your drinks!

BARRY- I can't bare this any longer!

WAITRESS- If you guys don't like it you could have ordered just a couple of fortune cookies!

STAN- Who can eat just fortune cookies?

WAITRESS- So how do you like us young chinks now?

MIKE- We are leaving!

(Mike, Barry, and Stan all three leave and walk out the door.)

STAN- That's the last time I eat Chinese Cuisine!

RUT BUSTER

(The setting is a music store where a little kid comes in and stands there for a second staring at the accessory counter. A guitar teacher salesman notices him entering and approaches the little kid.)

TEACHER- How may I help you?

KID- I want to learn music!

TEACHER- So little kid you want to learn music, have you thought about playing the harmonica or how about the tambourine.

KID- I think the harmonica sucks and it drives me nuts when my Grandfather plays his, and the tambourine is stupid because he makes my leg fall asleep.

TEACHER- How about the fiddle?

Johnny played the fiddle!

KID- And so did the Charles Daniels Band?

So what's it to it!

I want to be better than Johnny and the Charles Daniels Band. I think the fiddle is boring and a waste of time.

(The music teacher points to some drums sitting off to the side of the counter.)

TEACHER- Well how about them drums?

KID- But then I have to sit down all of the time and worry about the beat and keeping the band at the right tempo or maybe using the wrong stick. Two sticks are too much.

TEACHER- Then what do you want to play?

KID- I want to play guitar!

(The music teacher looks back at some of the guitars hanging on the wall.)

TEACHER- Have you any idea what kind of guitar you want to play?

(The music teacher points to an acoustic hanging on the wall.)

KID- Acoustics, they suck!

(The music teacher points to a Stratocaster hanging on the wall.)

KID- Stratocasters, their guitars really suck, they have no action on the fret board, and I wouldn't give you my lunch money for that thing which is $1.50 these days!

I want the best!

TEACHER- How much money do you have, how much cash are you talking about?

(The kid pulls out a wad with twenty hundred dollar bills rolled up.)

KID- I saved up about two grand!

(The music teacher starts grabbing the best for him.)

TEACHER- Then let's get you this cordless Destroyer and this Super Distortion Pedal and this half-stack!

KID- Great!

TEACHER- No, this set up is radical.

KID- Killer!

TEACHER- And I'll give you a smoking deal, all of this for the two grand. That saves you $250 dollars. What do you think?

KID- On one condition!

TEACHER- What's that?

KID- I want to learn Rut Buster and I want to learn it now!

(The music teacher notices his shirt is like the "Ghostbusters" t-shirt, although it says "Rut Buster.")

TEACHER- My God! You are probably going to be a Rock Star, nobody has ever asked me to teach them Rut Buster. Let's take your stuff in to the practice room.

KID- (LAUGHS) Practicing blows!

TEACHER- I mean the jamming room!

(The music teacher grabs the guitar, distortion peddle, amp, and some guitar picks and heads down the hallway to his practice room. The music teacher sets up his stuff like he really wants to teach him the Rut Buster scale. Then the teacher hands him the guitar and a guitar pick and heads to his chalkboard. He starts to write the Rut Buster scale down on the board in tablature notes on a staff clef. The little kid looks at it and shrugs his shoulders.)

KID- I want it in a diatonic and a 4th major!

(The teacher looks back at him.)

TEACHER- Okay, I'll have to make some changes.

(The music teacher adds a few notes and adds some sharps.)

Are you ready?

KID- (GETTING READY) Yes!

TEACHER- What are you going to play?

(The kid puts his picking hand up flinging his guitar pick around his fingers.)

KID- Rut Buster!

TEACHER- What are you going to learn?

(The kid jumps up and does a rock star like jump with his feet back and lands back down.)

KID- Rut Buster!

TEACHER- What are you afraid of?

(The kid sits back down ready to learn the Rut Buster scale.)

KID- Finger fretting!

TEACHER- Just use your guitar pick.

KID- Sure thing buster!

(The music teacher begins to teach him the scale Rut Buster.)

GRANDMA DUMPING

(The setting is a rest home with an older lady sitting in a wheelchair inside the screen porch. One of the nurses goes outside to get the newspaper but sees the old lady sitting on the porch. The nurse decides to wheel her inside out of curiosity.)

BLONDE NURSE- What's your name?

(The older lady doesn't really move very much or say anything.)

LADY- Huh!

BLONDE NURSE- Where did you come from?

(The older lady sits there continuing to remain still as another nurse strolls in the waiting room.)

BRUNETTE NURSE- Where did she come from?

BLONDE NURSE- I don't know she was just sitting there like this on the porch staring at the front door.

BRUNETTE NURSE- Does she have identification or any way we can find out who left here?

BLONDE NURSE- No, but someone left this envelope in her lap.

(The blonde nurse hands the brunette nurse the envelope. She opens it and pulls out a folded piece of paper. She opens it and reads, "Can't take care of her anymore.")

BRUNETTE NURSE- Oh no, this is Grandma dumping; this is the second case this month. I wonder if she has been fed recently.

(The blonde notices that she has something in her cheeks and takes a quick peek.)

SFX- GRANDMA SIGHS SLIGHTLY HUH

BLONDE NURSE- Well, it looks like she may have a little bit of food still in her cheeks.

BRUNETTE NURSE- Maybe someone fed her before they brought her here. Is she still alive?

(The blonde nurse takes a hold of her right wrist to feel for a pulse.)

BLONDE NURSE- Well, she has a pulse!

BRUNETTE NURSE- Are you sure that isn't her pacemaker?

BLONDE NURSE- Unless someone changed the batteries!

BRUNETTE- Well, then she has probably had a bath?

BLONDE NURSE- (SOFTLY) How can you be so sure she kind of looks dirty?

BRUNETTE NURSE- Don't be so rude use a wet rag and give her a hand bath or something and stick her with the rest of them. She gets a bath when they all do. And see if her feet need scraped.

BLONDE NURSE- But what if her feet smell?

BRUNETTE NURSE- Come on, what do you think they pay you for just changing diapers!

BLONDE- They better pay me extra money per hour because it's hard to put a little Huggy on a hugely.

MOBY-FIX

(Ronald is lying in bed with Michelle and he is trying to get it on, although nothing is happening.)

MICHELLE- What's wrong I can't get anything?

RONALD- I don't know I hate when this happens!

MICHELLE- You're totally........!

RONALD- No, actually it's just a little flat.

MICHELLE- So what are you going to do?

(She gets a sort of frown on her face.)

All of the other girls told me to call you Moby-Dick because you were bigger than a whale.

(He gets out of bed and heads to the drawer and pulls out a bottle of silicone fix-a-limp.)

RONALD- Really, the other girls call me Moby-Fix because they know I can cure it with this Fix-a-Flat silicone.

MICHELLE- Does it fix breasts?

(Ronald gets ready to try on her nearly.)

RONALD- We sure could try; I did notice that you have one that is larger than the other.

MICHELLE- Let's fix them, fix them Moby-Fix!

RONALD- Well, hold on I have to find the pressure gauge tester to make sure that it doesn't explode by accidentally getting it over inflated or getting it punctured maybe. This stuff is real tuff.

MICHELLE- How tough is it?

RONALD- It's so tuff I could crack walnuts with it and stand back three feet.

MICHELLE- Just hurry up I don't have all day!

RONALD- You better have all day because this stuff is guaranteed and if both parties aren't satisfied then they give you a full refund and a free rubber discard.

MICHELLE- Well, we'll see after we take it for a test ride around the block a few times so.

RONALD- Sounds good to me!

THE BALE ON TINY

MULTI DIGITAL TESTER

(There is a woman sitting down on the couch who is pregnant. The real father isn't present at this time. However the shammed father is sitting next to her confronting her about whether it is really his or someone else's.)

VOICE OVER- Is your woman really pregnant and you're not really too sure whether you should believe it's yours!

MIKE- How can you be sure it's mine and not someone else's?

TINA- I haven't even been with anyone else except you.

MIKE- But it's only been about a week since then and that was the only time and there is no way you can tell that soon.

TINA- Look I missed my period!

(A close-up shot of the product.)

VOICE OVER- Confused, then what you need is the Bale-on-Tiny Multi-Digital Daddy Tester.

It's simple to use!

(A close up of the sensor pads hooked to a pregnant woman's belly.)

Just hook the sensor pads to her stomach right above the belly button and then set the indicator to the right setting and ask her the question again!

(A close up of one in action as the red light comes on blinking.)

If the light begins blinking on and off then you know it isn't your tiny and you are free to bale-on-that-tiny immediately, as soon as you can bolt out the door.

(Mike has his hooked up to Tina and ready to pop the question.)

MIKE- Is this my tiny?

TINA- Yes!

(The red light starts blinking and he is happy.)

MIKE- The red light is blinking and I know you are lying and now I am leaving you.

TINA- Well, Batman is tiny according to Google. See you in court!

(Mike takes his Bale-On-Tiny Multi Digital Daddy tester and darts out the door.)

VOICE OVER- Now you are free to bale-on-tiny.

The Bale-On-Tiny Multi Digital Daddy Tester.

Never sleep around without one.

Made by Bale-On-Tiny now!

THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT

(There are two girls and a guy on a trolley. They are on the back of the trolley overlooking the railing. While passing by a street intersection one of them thinks they see someone they know.)

TERESA- Hey! Isn't that Skip standing over there?

KURT- I can't tell, that person is wearing spandex.

HEATHER- I heard that he divorced his wife and left his kids for who knows what? In fact rumors are that his wife hasn't been seeing him for a while.

TERESA- I heard a rumor that he moved in with a couple of guys and is working at the "Hot Dog on a Stick" which is a deli-stand at the mall.

KURT- Someone told me that he turned gay and then she threw him out because she didn't want a gay husband taking care of the kids.

HEATHER- I'll tell you a mere fact, and that is that Skip is no longer a woman thing anymore. He is now just another role model for men here in San Francisco.

KURT- That's kosher as long as he stays away from me and my friends.

TERESA- I bet you those guys gave up macaroni and ramen noodles and made Skip the new San Francisco Treat.

HEATHER- What a new way of life that would be!

KURT- As long as his boyfriends and male dates pay well with benefits. If it was me I would be wanting overtime pay and skip the foreplay.

VOICE OVER- Skip……….The new San Francisco Treat!

BEEF STROGANOFF

(An overnight grocery stocker is working on the soup and spaghetti aisle who is wearing black gloves. He is trying to fix a plug by pulling out most of the beef stroganoff so he can fit more in and plug the next product home even less. A lady grocery shopper looks at him funny because of the way he is working and the fact that she wants something right where he's working.)

LADY SHOPPER- Why do you have a glove on your left hand?

STOCKER- I'm trying to push back the beef and stroganoff!

LADY SHOPPER- I don't think you should on this aisle even with a glove on.

STOCKER- I said I'm trying to push back the beef stroganoff so I can fit more in. Do you need one?

LADY SHOPPER- Not now, I think I'll just settle for some Tuna Helper instead.

STOCKER- There's nothing wrong with it; it just sounds that way sometimes.

LADY SHOPPER- I guess I'll take one.

VOICE OVER- Beef it isn't what's for dinner, or who's shopping, it's who stroganoff.

ONE JERK A DAY VITAMINS

(There is an older adult riding his bike along a strip with lots of people moving around him roller skating, walking their dogs, or just out for a stroll etcetera. All of a sudden a ball hits him pretty hard on the back and bounces away as he stops and looks around and can't make out who must have thrown the ball.)

BIKER- Darn, there are a bunch of jerks at this park. Heck they are all over the place. The crud I have to trek through to have an enjoyable day at the park for a bike ride. Sometimes it is just too hard to keep up with all of the jerks.

(The biker turns around and starts riding his bike once again. Before even getting a few feet a dog cuts him off jumping for a Frisbee.)

Darn cut off again right away by a dog this time. Man this place is getting to be a rat race.

(He reaches in to his pocket and pulls out a bottle of "One jerk a day vitamins" and holds it up.)

That's why I take along my bottle of "One Jerk a Day Vitamins." As soon as I even see a jerk I take one. Sometimes I take four or five pills during a trip to the park just to keep up with them all. Even my wife takes them just to deal with her jerk encounters.

(He puts them back in his pocket.)

If I was you people, I'd buy some and try them and let it help you ignore the jerks, "One Jerk a Day Vitamins."

WIGWAM

(There is an old Cherokee Indian Chief sitting in his teepee with his son. There's a pile of steaming stones in the center of the teepee making it a sweat tent. They are wearing only under garments to sweat themselves.)

SON- Father how did you get your name Cherokee?

CHIEF- Well, your mother and I both started sleeping in the same teepee together. So one day I came home and she started calling me "Share a kid." So we rephrased it to make the name Cherokee.

SON- I thought they didn't have keys back then.

CHIEF- No, just a password.

SON- And what's that?

(The Cherokee Chief puts his hand up with the flat palm facing out towards the Cherokee son.)

CHIEF- How!

SON- How did mother get her name Thrifty Dress?

CHIEF- Well, she always shops and buys clothes at real cheap trading posts, so I started calling her Thrifty Dress.

(The Cherokee son looks at his brother's garments lying in the corner of the teepee.)

SON- So how did my brother get the name Running Dog?

(The Cherokee Chief thinks to himself for a moment while rubbing his chin slightly.)

CHIEF- Because when he was born there were two dogs doing it, so I named him after the two dogs going at it.

(The Cherokee son thinks to himself for a minute.)

SON- I thought you said doing it?

CHIEF- Doing it or going at it; they're both the same thing on the reservation.

(The Cherokee son looks over towards his two sisters belongings sitting in the other corner of the teepee.)

SON- Where did you get my sister's names from?

CHIEF- When they were little they would both chase ducks all day out by the river. It was a lot of fun to the both of them. So one day your mother names one of them Catching Duck and I named the other one Dashing Duck.

(The Cherokee Chief thinks to himself for a moment.)

Why do you ask so much Broken Indian rubber?

MR. RIGHT

(An economic teacher walks in to a classroom while two students are counting their cash along with their stock certificates they began purchasing at the beginning of the semester.)

MR. RIGHT- How's the investing coming along?

RONNIE- Pretty excellent!

CHUCK- Especially after you showed us how to open accounts and to invest our own lunch money. But it's a good thing I still get a lunch card.

(Mr. Right walks up to the podium and begins to speak to the class about how money works in the world.)

MR. RIGHT- Well, that's how money works, for example if I buy a pair of shoes at the shoe store another person in Russia has to walk around barefoot. And if I buy another vehicle another person has to take the bus or walk or maybe even take the cab. And if I buy myself another tv another person has to listen to the radio, newspaper or has to read. And if I take a loan out from the bank, or credit union, another person has to settle for donating plasma. And if I buy a bottle of vodka another bum has to settle for a cheap non alcoholic beer. And if I meet a gorgeous babe another person has to settle for a call girl.

SOMEONE ELSE IN CLASS- You're wrong!

MR. RIGHT- You're wrong, I'm Mr. Right!

SHOOK, HARD, BOB, AND BACON

(The setting is a lawyer commercial with a client standing in a lawyer's office looking at the audience.)

CLIENT- When I caused an accident injuring another person and their family I needed aggressive attorneys to handle my case in order to keep my rates from getting too expensive down the road. So I called Shook, Hard, Bob, and Bacon. The lawyers that are a hard hand shake when it comes to bobbing down for insurance companies and having to pork it out when it comes to paying someone else a settlement for their personal injuries. They were so good and fast that they saw me as soon as they could that very same day.

(The lawyer Shook shakes the client's hand.)

SHOOK- I'm Shook!

(The lawyer Hard shakes the client's hand.)

HARD- I'm Hard!

(The lawyer Bob shakes the client's hand.)

BOB- I'm Bob!

(The lawyer Bacon shakes the client's hand.)

BACON- And I am Bacon!

(The lawyer Bacon makes a strange face.)

Get ready to pig your way out of this one!

(All four lawyers sit down at a very large round desk. The client becomes a little distressed.)

CLIENT- Do you think you lawyers can help?

BOB- Sure, but you may have to bob down a little, but I think we can help.

BACON- Like our advertisement you may have to shake it hard to pork your way out of it, although I think we can be able to help!

SHOOK- Maybe!

(The client is back standing in his original position looking to the audience.)

CLIENT- When you need aggressive attorneys go to Shook, Hard, Bob, and Bacon because you may have to pig your way out a little more somewhere else.

WAKE-UP-A-TEEN MIST INHALERS

(There is a woman's son in bed still asleep as his alarm is going off.)

VOICE OVER- Is your kid late or doesn't want to get up for school again?

(The son's mother approaches his bed and sticks an inhaler next to his nose and as he catches a sense of the inhaler he wakes up in a flash.)

Then what you need is Wake-Up-A-Teen Mist Inhalers. They will wake up anybody in a flash.

(The woman's son gets up quick and grabs his school books while he is still in his pajamas.)

SON- (YELLING OUT) I'm ready to go.

(The son's mother notices he's undressed from the hallway.)

MOTHER- You're not going anywhere dressed like that!

SON- Oops, it will help if I took a shower and put on my clothes first!

(The next setting is a black boxer sitting in the corner of a boxing ring. The boxer's coach is trying to wake him up by sticking a sniffer in front of his face.)

VOICE OVER- They even prime up boxers!

(The boxer's coach sticks the inhaler in front of his nose.)

BOXER- Wow!

(The boxer gets up as the bell rings and then corners his opponent while throwing a few punches and knocking the other boxer out completely.)

VOICE OVER- When you feel asleep, or are just about knocked out, you can knock yourself up.

Wake-Up-A-Teen Mist Inhalers, they prime up anybody!

BROWSING

(Two guys Toby and Fred go in to a Spend Sirs outlet and start looking at all the gizmos and gadgets. One heads over to the poster rack and flips through them checking out some of the hot poster babes. The other one jumps over to the heat lamps and then the psychedelic t-shirts. Next they go to some of the adult gadgets and start laughing at the whoopee cushions. Finally an employee comes up to the both of them.)

EMPLOYEE- Are you going to buy something?

TOBY- Actually, I'm just looking!

FRED- Can't you tell, we are browsing?

EMPLOYEE- I thought you two were shopping!

(Toby and Fred look at each other and comment on how they haven't bought anything.)

TOBY- We don't go shopping, we usually go buying. That's where we pick the item up and don't put it down. We take it to the register and pay for it then!

FRED- Shoppers…….. They never come home with anything, they just browse!

Do you see us with bags from anywhere else?

(Toby moves his eyebrows up at him while Fred picks up some Groucho Marx prank glasses with huge eyebrows putting them on.)

FRED- (TALKING LIKE GROUCHO MARX) We aren't going to get grouchy on us now?

EMPLOYEE- Look! I just want people in here, who buy things, and we are just tired of all the shop lifting browsers!

(The employee points to his shirt with the store's name on it.)

Now look at our name its Spend Sirs and we don't want browsers, we only want people who buy things.........Spend Sirs.

(The employee escorts them out towards the front as another person with a handful of bags passes them up entering.)

See like this customer; he's a Spend Sir regular.

(Fred pulls out a wad of cash from his left pocket.)

FRED- Well, we'll have to browse and become Spend Sirs somewhere else. Let's hit the arcade!

TOBY- Indeed!

(Toby and Fred start to leave.)

EMPLOYEE- Hey wait, I was only joking!

(The Spend Sirs employee tries to stop them both.)

You two can browse all you want!

(The regular customer is eager and ready to purchase some adult toys at the register.)

REGUALR CUSTOMER- Hey! I am ready to check out, I can't wait all day. I have an engagement!

THE BANGKOK CHEF

(Two couples walk in to the Bangkok Chef Restaurant for a great night to try and have a lovely dinner.)

RODNEY- This should be a great place to eat!

RISA- I think so too, let's check it out!

(The two couples walk in together and are waited immediately by a waitress.)

WAITRESS- Welcome to Bangkok, are we dinning?

RODNEY- Yes, we are all dining!

(The waitress grabs four menus and starts to turn towards the dining section.)

WAITRESS- My name is Naow, this way please!

(Both couples follow her to a dinner table as she waits for them all to sit down. Then she lays the menus out for all four of them to read.)

WAITRESS- Here are your menus, I'll be back in a minute!

I have to check on the Bangkok Chef.

(The waitress leaves to head for the kitchen.)

AL- The Bangkok Chef…….. I hope he cooks!

RISA- I hope he leaves the last three letters out.

(A minute or so later she comes back to check on them.)

WAITRESS- I checked up on him, he's still back there ready to bang out some meals, are you ready to place your orders?

(Rodney decides what he'll have.)

RODNEY- Yes, what's this meal special the Big Bang Slam?

WAITRESS- Oh! That's his specialty. He bangs that one out fast!

RODNEY- Okay, I'll have it!

RISA- And I'll have the Bang Wok!

AL- And I'll have the Choke On It!

SHANNON- And I'll try the Bang It Later!

(The waitress looks at her note pad all goofy like and tries to repeat the order.)

WAITRESS- This is my first day so bare with me. You want the Bang Wok, so you can go ahead and walk back there and bang him yourself. You want the Choke On It, so you can walk back there with her and choke on it, and you want the Bang It Later but you should wait until they're both done.

(The waitress starts taking off her apron and funky restaurant hat like she can't bare the language or establishment anymore.)

And for your Big Bang Slam I have a poem.

(She puts her eyes down with her fingers.)

Chinese!

(She pushes her eyes up with her fingers.)

Japanese!

(She points to her knees.)

Dirty knees!

(The waitress points to her chest.)

What are these?

(There's a loud voice from the Bangkok Chef.)

BANGKOK CHEF- You are fired!

WAITRESS- I quit! I can't speak Taiwanese or lip sync anyhow!

(The waitress throws her apron and leaves the restaurant and then a moment later the Bangkok Chef comes out to apologize for the waitress.)

RODNEY- I should have ordered the Bang Him Tomorrow!

AL- I should have ordered Bang Some Now!

RISA- I should have ordered the One Hung Low!

BANGKOK CHEF- (BUTTERING UP) Sorry that was my waitress Naow!

RODNEY- If that was his waitress now, he'll probably have a worse one tomorrow!

(They all get up ready to leave simultaneously.)

RISA- Who wants to wait until tomorrow to eat!

SHANNON- Yes, really we should of just went for Mexican at least you can somewhat read their menus.

At least I know how to order a taco or enchilada!

SUPER GAS PUMPER

(Super Gas Pumper is flying through the air dressed like a super hero. His shirt says Super Gas Pumper right across it with a big S followed by small letters.)

VOICE OVER- Faster than a gassed up Ford Escort, able to leap taller buildings than a Chevy Impala, and able to drive further than a loaded Winnebago, it's Super Gas Pumper.

(He stops in mid air right above a Super Gas Pumper Station and he makes his way down to help an older lady having trouble with her gas cap.)

SFX- HER GRUNTING

SFX- SHE MOANS

(Super Gas Pumper lands right beside her and gently helps her with the cap by hitting it with his hand as it flies open. Then he takes the gas nozzle and sticks it in the fuel tank for her. She stands back in amazement watching as he pumps the gas for her with one hand while flexing the other exposing his muscles. The older lady starts to build up a sweat from watching. Finally the gas tank fills up and he pulls out the gas nozzle and zooms back in to the air.)

VOICE OVER- Super Gas Pumper; able to pump more gas than most women's husbands and anyone else.

(Super Gas Pumper arrives at another Super Gas Pumper Gas Station and begins to perform the same task by helping another old lady having trouble sticking the nozzle in to her gas tank.)

VOICE OVER- Super Gas Pumper!

THE WINE AND LIQUOR TASTING 10K

(The setting is a track meet at a stadium with a quarter mile track. There are lots of joggers at the starting line. There's a referee with a starting gun as he makes an announcement before he begins the race.)

REFEREE- Once the gun is fired you may begin. Runners must take one drink every lap and the last man standing wins the Wine Tasting 10K. Your wine runners must have your drink delivered before you reach the finish line each lap and be ready to drag you off the track if you fail to compete. Are you ready to run, drink, and be drunk!

MR. TEQUILA- No, I'm ready to set the worm free and smoke everybody!

SFX- CAP SHOT ONCE

(All of the contestants leave the finish line like a dog off a leash chasing a stray cat. Mr. Tequila takes the lead towards the first turn while the other runners lag behind a little. Rounding the last turn before making the first lap is Mr. Tequila running neck and neck with Sir Vodka as he tries to bump him out of the way until the cup runners meet their sides with their shot glasses.)

TEQUILA CUP RUNNER- I poured you a full one!

(Mr. Tequila takes the shot and then hands the shot glass back as the Mr. Tequila cup runner tries to hand him a salt shaker.)

MR. TEQUILA- What's this for? I told you a lime you fool.

(Sir Vodka takes a shot of Vodka from the Vodka cup runner with an angry look on his face.)

SIR VODKA- I told you orange juice you idiot!

(The second lap comes and approaches as the Queer of Beers begins taking the lead. The Queer of Beers cup runner fails to catch up as he tries to take a cup of Chardonnay instead from another cup runner.)

CHARDONNAY CUP RUNNER- That's a little shot of Chardonnay.

QUEER OF BEERS- Who wants wine, where's my beer?

(The Queer of Beers cup runner catches up and hands him the cup of malt liquor before the finish line too late.)

QUEER OF BEERS- What the heck is that a non alcoholic beer?

REFEREE- (VOICE OVER) The Queer of Beers is disqualified for holding hands across the finish line!

(The tenth lap approaches as many of the runners are getting tired and passing out already. Mr. Wine Cooler gives up and stops to talk to a couple of babes on the side lines.)

MR. WINE COOLER- So how about we blow this Popsicle stick and get some coolers and head to my place?

BABES- Sure!

REFEREE- (VOICE OVER) Mr. Wine Cooler is disqualified, beat it!

(The last and final lap approaches as Mr. Pepper Man Schnapps is in the lead as the Pepper Man Schnapps cup runner hands him the entire bottle before he reaches the finish line. He takes a final drink and passes the finish line.)

REFEREE- And the winner of the Wine and Liquor 10K is the Pepper Man Schnapps!

(All of the other participants start to get up and stagger off the field while the cup runners help some of them.)

REFEREE- Thanks for coming out and passing out at the annual Wine and Liquor Tasting 10K. See you all again next year!

MANNITOL MAN

(The setting is a living room with a girlfriend and her boyfriend sitting on the couch watching the television as the boyfriend starts to hold his abdomen area from stomach pains. The girlfriend tries to make him feel better by rubbing his back slightly.)

GIRLFRIEND- Do you feel better now?

BOYFRIEND- No, not at all………….. I still feel like I'm bloated and I can't go.

GIRLFRIEND- Well, then try some Maalox.

BOYFRIEND- I can't wait that long.

GIRLFRIEND- Well, can you wait long enough to try some Pepto Bismol?

BOYFRIEND- I don't have acid indigestion I can't go. What I need is a powerful laxative, one that can help me go to the bathroom.

(Mannitol Man comes crashing through the wall like a laxative hitting a crap ball.)

MANNITOL MAN- It sounds like what you need is some Mannitol.

GIRLFRIEND- Where do we get that?

MANNITOL MAN- From your local Pharmacy or Head Shop!

BOYFRIEND- Does it work well?

MANNITOL MAN- It's the best man, it helps me every time I eat too much and pig out.

BOYFRIEND- Then I better run to the store and buy some.

MANNITOL MAN- No need, Mannitol Man brought a sample for free.

(Mannitol Man pulls out a sample and hands it to him to use.)

GIRLFRIEND- How nice?

BOYFRIEND- Right on!

MANNITOL MAN- Now! Just take this little packet and head over there to the restroom.

(The boyfriend runs to the restroom and closes the door in a hurry.)

SFX- TOILET FLUSHING CONSTANTLY

BOYFRIEND- (VOICE FROM INSIDE THE BATHROOM) Left over's.

GIRLFRIEND- So how long have you been Mannitol Man?

MANNITOL MAN- Ever since I've been constipated!

GIRLFRIEND- That sounds like that could have been a long, long time.

(Mannitol Man just stands there and stares at her for a second or so.)

MANNITOL MAN- So I see you two like to eat a lot.

GIRLFRIEND- Yes, how do you know!

MANNITOL MAN- I have the same pizza delivery driver you have!

GIRLFRIEND- Oh really!

SFX- THE TOILET FLUSHES AGAIN

(The boyfriend comes out from the bathroom.)

MANNITOL MAN- So how did everything come out?

BOYFRIEND- A little better thanks so much!

MANNITOL MAN- All those pizzas are getting to you huh?

The next time you have more trouble just be sure to remember me, "Mannitol Man."

GIRLFRIEND- We'll never forget you Mannitol Man.

VOICE OVER- Mannitol Man; if you can't go, he will.

MR. BROWNY

(The setting is a modern day bathroom with a woman entering the bathroom with a handful of generic paper towels and a spray bottle of bathroom cleaner. Immediately she looks at the toilet seat and notices a brown smudge from other family members. She sprays some bathroom cleaner on the generic paper towel and gets ready to wipe the seat down.)

LADY- I hope these brownies clean up!

(The lady tries to wipe it off but smears it all over with the generic paper towels.)

These generic paper towels are no good, they suck!

(She tries it another time smearing it more.)

They always leave a stain or smudge.

(She stops and leans back up and just stares at the toilet seat again.)

I don't know what to do!

(She throws the generic paper towel in the toilet and flushes it.)

SFX- TOILET FLUSHING ONCE

There has to be something else I can use!

(A voice comes from a bathroom drawer set next to the toilet.)

MR. BROWNY- Use me!

LADY- Who are you and where are you?

MR. BROWNY- I'm in here, I'm Mr. Browny, the fastest picker upper!

LADY- Well, how would I know?

MR. BROWNY- Well, just give me a try and you'll see how great I am with smudge stains.

(She takes the roll and opens it. Then she sprays on the bathroom cleaner and gives it a whirl which ends up working.)

LADY- The brownies came completely off of the toilet seat.

(She places the roll of paper towels on top of the toilet seat.)

MR. BROWNY- Isn't that so wonderful!

LADY- It is Mr. Browny; you are the fastest picker upper if I have ever wiped one.

MR. BROWNY- Just remember me.

LADY- I will never forget you!

THE PALMER CAT LITTER

(The setting is a cat going on the carpet because the cat litter is full.)

VOICE OVER- Are you tired of your cat going on your carpet because you are too busy to clean the litter box every day?

(The same cat is kicking cat litter all over the carpet everywhere making a huge mess.)

Are you also tired of your cat spreading the cat litter all over the living room or bathroom?

(There is a cat about to use the cat litter as the cat sits there sniffing the side like there is something wrong with it.)

VOICE OVER- Then what you need is our high tech state of the art cat litter. It simply cleans itself free of messes. Just place the cat litter next to a trash receptacle and it will do the rest.

(Finally the cat is completely finished going to the bathroom. The hand swats the cat with a pooper scooper as the cat jumps wondering what has happened. The hand aims towards the trash receptacle and the job is complete.)

VOICE OVER- The Self Cleaning Cat Litter by Palmer.

HOME FREE CLUB II

(The setting is the Home Free Club with Free Hand Willie and the Pick Pocket Man sitting down in chairs at the front of the set.)

PICK POCKET MAN- Welcome back all of you rip off artists and car thief's to the Home Free Club. The show that has to steal stuff to give you all of those ripped off discount prices.

(The Pick Pocket Man and Free Hand Willie both put their hands in front of the camera.)

BOTH OF THEM- And we are the Home Free Dudes!

FREE HAND WILLIE- Check out the tan Suburban we stole from the city of Never Worked, New Jersey just this week a few days ago. It's fresh from our Chop Shop out back.

PICK POCKET MAN- Look at it shine like a show piece for the show room.

FREE HAND WILLIE- We must have buffed it good with some stolen car wax.

PICK POCKET MAN- The shine came out just like it says on the can.

FREE HAND WILLIE- Yes terrible!

PICK POCKET MAN- We had to tow it because a man was roasted to the seat when we found it.

(The truck is sitting in the background with a dummy sitting behind the front seat.)

FREE HAND WILLIE- Yes, he was still sitting behind the steering wheel when we found it.

PICK POCKET MAN- I suppose the story is that the guy who owned the truck stuck alligator clips to the DC battery and ran them all of the way to the springs in his truck seat to roast and stop car thieves.

FREE HAND WILLIE- I guess that goes to show you why you shouldn't steal cars or trucks especially if you have a pacemaker.

PICK POCKET MAN- I guess that's too much voltage for his pacemaker.

(The Pick Pocket Man puts the negative and positive alligator clips together to spark. They are hooked up to the DC battery sitting in the front of them.)

FREE HAND WILLIE- Well, anyways. You get the dummy and the Suburban for a Home Free Club Price of $999.99. This is a cheap price considering we didn't have to pay any towing bills.

PICK POCKET MAN- Talking about towing bills he makes a beautiful truck addition.

FREE HAND WILLIE- Maybe that's because he is wearing a checkered shirt.

PICK POCKET MAN- Well, we would have stolen more stuff except that the neighborhood we went to have a neighborhood watch and they were all tight.

FREE HAND WILLIE- That's why you never pick pocket a man with tight squeaky jeans.

PICK POCKET MAN- You know how you can pick out a tight person, when he walks his tight pants squeak?

FREE HAND WILLIE- Send a check or proof of title to:

(The Pick Pocket Man holds up a cue card with the home free club address.)

PICK POCKET MAN- (SERIOUS LIKE)

The Home Free Club

P.O. Box 1111

Stolen from a ghetto, Harlem!

Below is a link to the "Onstage Comedy Material" subpage 2.