Onstage Comedy Material Subpage 2

ROD IN APPAREL

(The setting is a Department Store meeting with the overnight manager reading the Department List for the employees to know what area they're working.)

CHRISTINE- Danny Electronics, you have 4 hours. Then go to toys.

Dave you have HBA, you have 6 hours.

Angelina you have pharmacy for 3 hours.

Anne called in so Rod gets Apparel tonight, you get to sort through all the goodies like consumables which tonight are mostly bra straps and chicks hand me downs.

SFX- AN ANNOUNCEMENT OVER THE PA SYSTEM

ANNOUNCEMENT VOICE OVER- We need an employee to apparel.

CHRISTINE- Well, Rod that be you have fun!

(Rod gets to apparel while a customer is being helped.)

ANOTHER EMPLOYEE- We are out!

CUSTOMER- Do you have any in the back?

(The swing shift employee sees Rod taking his place.)

ANOTHER EMPLOYEE - Rod do we have any in the back?

(Rod looks at the label for the item.)

ROD- I'll go see.

(He starts to head to the back to see if they have any in stock. Just then before he gets away another employee gets on the PA only a few feet away.)

SFX- SCRAGGLY VOICE

ANNOUNCEMENT VOICE OVER- Rod in apparel!

ROD- (Turns) What?

CUSTOMER- Do you have any more of these in stock?

ROD- Let me go see!

(Rod turns around again to head to the back to check on two items now. Just then another employee finds a needy customer and gets on the PA system.)

SECOND EMPLOYEE- Rod in apparel!

ROD- (Getting mad) What?

ANOTHER CUSTOMER- Do you have any more of those?

ROD- Let me go see!

(He turns around to go towards the back to check on three items. Before turning around again a different third employee gets on the PA again.)

THIRD EMPLOYEE- Rod to apparel!

(Rod turns around another time getting really flustered and frustrated.)

ROD- What?

THIRD CUSTOMER- Do you have any of these?

ROD- Yes, I'll go see!

(He turns around and heads to the PA all ticked off saying.)

ROD- Get on this PA again and I'll shove a soft line rack up your you know what?

WAY TOO YOUNG

(The setting is another take from a Chinese Restaurant with a couple walking towards the entrance ready to enter. They are accompanied by a female agent and a male manager.)

WIFE- This place looks like a good place to stop.

HUSBAND- "Way Too Young," what kind of name is that?

(They both enter as a waitress nods her head and takes them to their seats. Then a waiter comes and hands them a menu.)

WAITRESS- Here is your seats!

WAITER- One of our waitresses will be here in a minute!

(A Chinese waitress comes over to the table with a pad and pencil.)

WAITRESS- What would you like to drink?

HUSBAND- What do you have?

WAITRESS- Tea, water, and some moo goops.

HUSBAND- Huh!

WIFE- Just give us the moo goops were hungry.

WAITRESS- Okay, four moo goops!

(The waiter comes back to ask for their orders.)

WAITER- Are you all hungry?

AGENT- No, I'm already stuffed, of course I'm hungry.

WAITER- Then what would you all like?

WIFE- (POINTING TO HER CHEST) Do I look like a guy, look at these?

WAITER- Then give me your order?

MANAGER- Well, let me see here.

HUSBAND- Huh!

MANAGER- I'll have the Sum Yung Chink!

WIFE- I'll have the Way Too Young!

HUSBAND- I'll need another second.

AGENT- I'll have a Goo Wei Chick!

(The waiter stands there for a moment wondering if he has it all straight. He points to them as he goes over the order.

WAITER- (POINTS TO WIFE) Some Young Chink.

(POINTS TO THE AGENT) Ah, Way Too Young!

(POINTS TO THE MANAGER) Goo Wei Chick!

(POINTS TO HUSBAND) Aw!!!!!! Choke On It!

(The waiter leaves as the waitress returns with the drinks.)

WAITRESS- I have your drinks……… More goop!

WIFE- Thanks!

WAITRESS- Now drink up that goop and I'll give you more later.

(The waitress leaves and walks away. The wife takes a taste of the moo goop.)

WIFE- This is the best moo goop I have ever had.

(The waiter returns as he starts to pass out the food.)

WAITER- Some young chink.

(The waiter nods to the kitchen and a young Chinese girl waves.)

Right over there!

Way too young, just come back next year.

(He gives the agent a coupon for next year.)

Goo Wei chick, just take your pick.

HUSBAND- You know what, do like your menu says, and Choke on It!!!!!!!!!

WE CARE AUTO PLACE

(The setting is a service center called "We Care Auto Place" with a lady freaking out because the mechanic is trying to scare her in to buying some new shocks.)

VOICE OVER- Mechanics are such rip offs. They always try to scare you in to buying new shocks.

MECHANIC- If you don't replace those shocks. You will be on your way with your family, your car will be bouncing down the road, your doors will fly open and the kids will fall out. Cars will run all over them and then you'll bounce right off the road and hit a ditch. You will be stuck for ten hours until a tow truck gets there, maybe even hit the windshield and crack your head open. Then you will be waiting for an Emergency Response Team and have to fill out a report when you're all dizzy. Your kids will be screaming with smoke up to here pouring out everywhere. Then you and your kids will spend three days at the hospital. Then you will have a large hospital bill to pay after your sick pay at work completely runs out. Then your insurance premiums may go up double before your even better.

(The mechanic puts his hands to his stomach while the lady places her hands on her cheeks.)

LADY- Replace them, replace them!

VOICE OVER- At "We Care Auto" will never try to scare you.

MECHANIC- Yep, it's broke!

(The service center mechanic acts serious.)

I know you don't know what that means.

LADY- Should I replace it and buy a new one?

MECHANIC- It would probably be a good idea!

DATE A JERK

(The setting is a bar scene as a guy is grabbed or pinched on the rear by a chick. Quickly he turns around and slaps her.)

VOICE OVER- Going out and meeting people can be so tough, especially when they all act like jerks.

(There's a girl at a bar counter buying a guy a drink, he gets very mad and slaps her.)

VOICE OVER- It can cost you a lot of time and money and slaps in the face.

(There's a girl talking a lot on the phone to a "Date a Jerk," Representative.)

VOICE OVER- But by calling "Date a Jerk," we can save you the hassles by hooking you up with a perfectly matched jerk which is pretty much the same exact thing.

(The setting turns to a shot of the front of a "Date a Jerk" Office. The customer from the bar and phone conversations walks in.)

VOICE OVER- Our locations are all over to serve you.

(She shakes the hand of a "Date a Jerk" Representative. She has on a shirt that says "Date a Jerk." There is a guy standing next to her ready to act like a total jerk.)

VOICE OVER- And our selections of men are complete jerks. Some are even those non-slapping individuals we call perverts. We have many to choose from. Depending on the type of jerk you want, you can be on your way to a better relationship.

(There is couple fighting on the couch with the female winning.)

VOICE OVER- Have a relationship where you slap him around because he is a jerk.

(There is a guy and a girl talking on the phone.)

VOICE OVER- And we guarantee that with all of our men you can talk to them like they are a complete jerk and that is normal.

(The same chick is in a bar getting slapped by a guy.)

VOICE OVER- So if you are tired of the same old bar scene trying to meet the perfect jerk then go ahead and call……."Date a Jerk."

(The same female is on the phone with a guy who is being rude like a jerk.)

VOICE OVER- "Date a Jerk," we are waiting to serve you

AUDITION

(The setting is a table with a secretary sitting at the desk and there are chairs all around lined up against the wall. And off to the left is an audition room. There are four guys and one girl sitting and waiting for their auditions. All of a sudden one actor comes out of the audition all mad and yells through the door. Everybody is dressed in medieval clothing.)

RICK- This is the stupidest audition I have ever been to. Let's see you bark like a dog. If you want a dog why don't you go to the Humane Society? There you can have your pick of dogs that are spaded and neutered.

Screw playing in your Hamlet!

(Everybody sitting and waiting for their auditions in the waiting room just busts out laughing really hard.)

BOB- What is this the Oxy Moron Comedy Troupe?

SECRETARY- Okay Bob, your audition is next.

RICK- You shouldn't have told him that your name was Bob!

(Bob gets up and walks in to the audition room as the other guys in the office start talking.)

RICK- So how did you get in to acting?

RON- I started out as a Shasta Pool Model.

RICK- Really, I hear that's really hard work?

RON- No not really, you didn't have to take time out to go to the bathroom if you had to go really bad, you could just pee in the swimming pool, and everybody does? The only thing you have to change is your shorts when cold dressing and we even do that in the swimming pool!

(All of a sudden Bob comes out of the audition room very, very mad.)

BOB- (YELLING THROUGH THE DOOR) Why don't you crow like a rooster? If I was a rooster I would peck your head off, and stop calling me Dear Brutus.

(Quickly Bob storms out of the office really mad.)

BOB- These dudes are perverts or something or other.

SECRETARY- Okay! Sarah you are next to audition!

(A lady named Sarah who was sitting there very quiet gets up and goes in to the audition room. Just then another person enters the waiting room dressed like a bumble bee or a striped pants look-a-like Christian rocker or something.)

STRIPER ROCKER- Did you call for a Striped Rocker to audition?

VICKI- (ANOTHER FEMALE WAITING FOR AN AUDITION) I called for a stripper!

SECRETARY- No I didn't, rocker's should go down the hall where the usual high school degenerates audition.

STRIPED ROCKER- Cool, rock on, and does Jesus love us all.

(The striped rocker musician leaves and walks out the door as a Jehovah Witness enters in to the waiting area with a Jehovah Bible.)

WITNESS- Do any of you want a Jehovah Bible?

RICK- I thought you all weren't supposed to come in anybody's place!

RON- Maybe they're just actors acting Jehovah thinking they'd have a better chance?

SECRETARY- Are you Jehovah witnesses auditioning or preaching, because we aren't allowed to have any solicitors? Didn't you read the sign outside?

WITNESS- We are auditioning!

RON- For a Renaissance and Medieval part, you have got to be kidding me?

(Right about then Sarah comes out of the auditioning room super angry for some reason.)

SARAH- If you want a chick in heat use your secretary, the way she straddles that pen you ought to.

(Sarah takes one of the Jehovah's Bibles out of his hands before he sits down.)

SARAH- Give me one of those, I might decide to convert. Auditions suck!

WITNESS- Hey, that's a prop!

(Sarah leaves the scene. The secretary asks Rick to come in to the room for his audition.)

SECRETARY- Rick it's your turn to audition now.

(Rick gets out of his seat and walks over towards the auditioning room. Just then another person enters wearing leotards.)

MR. LEOTARDS- Is this the Rocky Horror Picture Show Stage Production?

SECRETARY- No its snot!

RON- (LAUGHING) Do I look like I'm dressed for the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

SECRETARY- Gay auditions are across the hall.

(Mr. Leotards leaves the waiting room.)

RON- I've seen that guy around somewhere.

VICKI- I know where? He hangs out in front of the movie screen before the movies start.

RICK- (COMES OUT HAPPY) I got the part!

RON- What did you have to do?

RICK- Meow like a cat, I didn't have to bark like a dog or anything else.

RON- You got yourself an easy one. That's not fair to those other ticked off losers.

RICK- It was easy meow, meow. I was going to spray on him but I didn't want to get my clothes all smelly and I forgot my speed stick and aftershave at home to cover it up. I think I will after the production is over.

(The secretary looks at Ron.)

SECRETARY- I guess you're next Ron.

(Ron gets up out of his seat and heads in to the auditioning room.)

RON- Man………. I hope he doesn't ask me to moo like a cow.

VICKI- Hey! I'd be very careful in there if I was you!

RON- I hope I get to tweet like a woodpecker.

PHARMACEUTICAL DATE

(The setting is a living room with two females talking to each other about life and such. They are sitting in a living room with a soft tone music playing over head.)

TASHA- So how long have you been by yourself?

MOLLY- Ever since my last boyfriend that lived with me moved out.

TASHA- When did he move?

MOLLY- When he left!

(Tasha gets eager to know a lot more about her friend.)

TASHA- So do you have a spare room now?

MOLLY- Yes, why are you looking for a place?

TASHA- Sure! Haven't you tried to find someone else to date that could have moved in with you?

MOLLY- Yes, but most of the men I have met were jerks.

TASHA- Who was your last date?

MOLLY- My last date was weird.

TASHA- What did he do for a living?

MOLLY- He said he was a pharmacist, then after a few tequilas he said he was a nudist pharmacist?

TASHA- Really! I wonder what he liked to do.

MOLLY- He invited me to an optional beach, but I turned it down.

TASHA- I could see him at the beach writing prescriptions and waving to the crowd, "Mr. Moby Dick!"

And a guy gets up naked from his towel, saying, "No, I'm Viagra Skit."

MOLLY- What a day at the beach that would be?

TASHA- Let's go to a movie!

BOOGIE BREAK PANTS

(The setting is an aircraft garage with an aircraft mechanic trying to work on an aircraft engine. He is holding a micrometer and snap gauge trying to take some measurements. He is wearing some really tight uncomfortable pants that are making him rearrange himself constantly.)

MECHANIC- I hate really tight pants especially when I'm always crotched over and always kneeling over something. And that pucker effect is tremendous when working on these big things, I just don't wear anything. I hate that especially when the gap of my end can be micro-metered to less than eighteen thousandths.

(The new setting is with the aircraft mechanic in his Boogie Break Pants that he had purchased.)

So I bought some Boogie Break Pants and boy do they really live up to their name. I can feel and adjust the gap with an air hose.

(The aircraft mechanic is checking the endplay of some of the internal rotational parts.)

Also I can check my endplay with even a feeler gauge. I like these pants because wearing them I feel like not only directing planes on the runway but getting down and boogieing while I do it.

VOICE OVER- Boogie Break Pants, for those who want to boogie.

THE PERFORMANCE

(The setting is a Community College Theatre stage with a female acting teacher teaching acting students how to act on stage. The acting teacher is wearing golf pants and has on a sweater. She's teaching them how to act dramatic. There are two fans of theirs sitting out in the audience. Their names are Dave and Mike.)

SFX- STUDENT TALKING LOUD

FEMALE STUDENT- (DRAMATIC LIKE) How many times have I told you?

SFX- THE FEMALE ACTING STUDENT GRUNTS ONCE

TEACHER- More, more, you need to emphasize more, give it more emphasis.

(The acting teacher's students start talking louder than before.)

FEMALE STUDENT- Oh god, how many times have I told you?

SFX- THE FEMALE ACTING STUDENT GRUNTS ONCE AGAIN

(The acting teacher's students start talking even louder.)

MALE STUDENT- Oh god, god, and how many times have I told you?

SFX- THE MALE ACTING STUDENT GRUNTS ONCE

(Dave and Mike are sitting out in the audience watching the performance like it were some sort of audition or something. Nobody else is around except the class practicing in the background.)

DAVE- So, that's your acting teacher?

MIKE- Yep, that's her alright!

DAVE- Why does she wear golf slacks when she is on stage with the class?

MIKE- I don't know maybe she goes golfing and hits a few balls in the morning before class or something or other.

DAVE- If I was an acting teacher and wore golf slacks, I wouldn't even want to connect the two.

MIKE- I'm sure she doesn't connect on the golf green either.

DAVE- I bet the best two balls she hit was when she stepped on a rake.

SFX- CLASS PRACTICING EVEN LOUDER IN THE BACKGROUND

MIKE- If she had any!

DAVE-She even wears her beeper while teaching acting on stage. One of these times it's going to go off in front of an audience. She'll have to yell, "No call backs!"

(Dave stands up and puts his two arms up like an antenna while saying, "No call backs.")

MIKE- Two bad I don't have my cell phone with me because I'd call her up and interrupt the class.

DAVE- Well, I have to say what an excellent performance up there.

MIKE- I do agree!

DAVE- Let's give her the "Golf Slacks Clap."

(Dave and Mike both stand up and give his acting teacher the "Golf Slacks Clap.")

SFX- LOUD CLAPPING TOGETHER

TEACHER- (LOOKS OFF STAGE) What are you two guys doing in here, can't you see we are rehearsing?

MIKE- Before we go you deserve a round of applause.

(Dave and Mike clap their hands in circles applauding her as a joke.)

SFX- MORE LOUD CLAPPING

WE’RE OVER HERE

(The setting is a movie theatre with Bart walking away from the concession stand to head to the theatre to look for his party.)

SFX- PEOPLE TALKING REALLY LOUD

(Bart is holding a drink and popcorn that is spilling all over while he turns around looking for Ronnie and Jay.)

BART- Huh!

Huh!

(Bart starts to walk down the aisle a few rows further while looking around some more for the two of them.)

SFX- PEOPLE TALKING REALLY LOUD STILL

(He stops and looks around for them again.)

BART- Ronnie?

Jay?

(Jay turns his head and answers back trying to get his attention.)

JAY- We're over here, we're over here Bart!

(Bart looks around some more nearly spinning in circles trying to look through people going to their seats.)

RONNIE- Bart we're over here!

(Bart turns around again almost spotting them out as two more people walk past blocking his view. Then all of a sudden other patrons take note and start to confuse Bart a little bit.)

BRUNETTE MOVIE FAN- No Bart, we’re over here!

BLONDE MOVIE FAN- No Bart baby, we're over here!

(Bart starts to spin around in circles looking back and forth at people he doesn't even know calling out his name.)

RED HEAD MOVIE FAN- No Bart honey, we're over here!

JAY- Bart we're over here!

(The usher even gets in on it as Bart spins in circles as popcorn goes everywhere.)

No Bart, back here!

(The Film Projector Technician opens the window above the audience.)

FILM PROJECTOR TECHNICIAN- No Bart, we are all up here?

(Jay and Ronnie are getting very frustrated.)

JAY- No Bart, we’re all over here!

(Then the whole entire movie theatre goes berserk.)

EVERYBODY- No Bart, we’re all over here!

(Bart's popcorn hits the floor and his drink spills as he hits the floor. Jay approaches him and picks up the popcorn container.)

Jay- I told you we're over here!

(Jay leads the way to the seats pointing.)

Jay- See we're over here!

(Then the movie starts and the preview comes on. After a couple of sneak previews for future films the film runs out leaving an ugly snow that gets the crowd angry.)

ONE ANGRY CROWD PATRON- What happened to the film?

ANOTHER ANGRY CROWD PATRON- I don't know, but all I can say is that they better find out what is wrong with it.

(The Film Projector Technician sticks his head out of the window again.)

FILM PROJECTOR TECHNICIAN- Someone must have cut one!

EVERYBODY- Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Then Bart, Bart cut a fart and blew our movie reels apart.

THE LADIES PIP SQUEAK DOG

(The setting is a "Kennel Club" like dog show gearing up for a roundabout performance of the many dog attractions for a wondrous night.)

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Here we are for another exciting night of the "Kennel Club." We have many scraggly and scruffy animals here for you tonight.

So who do we have for you all first?

GUEST OF HONOR- First to come out is this Mountain Terrier. And look at his snowser, he'd really tear you a new one.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Even if he tried I'd just distract him with a dog snack or something or other.

GUEST OF HONOR- I bet you could distract him with a fire hydrant or another female snowser.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- He looks pretty clean cut after a shampoo and sponge bath from many of our sponsors from the dog groomer we've been using the last couple of episodes or so.

To me who ever manicured this dog must have been gay; I mean look at that it looks like shag. If that was my dog my wife would come home, "I need to go to bed." Dog hairs all over her sheets, she gets real pissed and washes them and has to break out the mangle.

GUEST OF HONOR- What's a mangle?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- You don't know what a mangle is? That's because you must not wash or dry your sheets.

GUEST OF HONOR- I wonder what the judges will score that shagged thing.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Who cares?

(Then the next dog to be brought out on the leash is a Chiwawa.)

Who's this?

GUEST OF HONOR- This is a Chiwawa.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Kind of like that taco advertisement!

GUEST OF HONOR- I don't know, I think he'd make a better tostada.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Oh man, that's terrible, I was wondering what happened to him.

GUEST OF HONOR- Man, I think I have to go now thinking about Mexican Food.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- The last taco place I went to they should have had a bathroom at the end of the counter.

GUEST OF HONOR- Who's this behind him?

SFX- THE CROWD ROARS BOO!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Oh no, it's Pip Squeak Dog!

GUEST OF HONOR- Man, I hate Pip Squeak Mutts.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Doesn't everybody!

GUEST OF HONOR- So what's his score?

(Pip Squeak Dog comes out and starts barking and tries to rip up the dog trainer's leg a bit.)

SFX- PIP SQUEAK DOG BARKING MANY TIMES

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Well, the last time we had a great, great show, although Pip Squeak tried to go on the dogtrainer's leg and now he's trying to again.

GUEST OF HONOR- Sounds like he needs a laxative.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Sounds like what he needs is a better potty trainer.

SFX- PIP SQUEAK DOG BARKING MANY TIMES AGAIN

(Pip Squeak Dog stops as a lady walks around scoring him. She stops and turns around to the judges to tell his score. Pip Squeak Dog lifts his leg again as his trainer pushes him down.)

DOG TRAINER- Sit boy, sit!

GUEST OF HONOR- Oh man! Pip Squeak Dog nearly tried again.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Sounds like what he needs is a doggy diaper.

GUEST OF HONOR- That would cost him some points the next time around.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- Maybe we could add a muzzle along with it!

GUEST OF HONOR- Anything will do!

MASTER OF CEREMONIES- And we'll be right back to see Pip Squeak Dog’s score right after these messages from our sponsor. Maybe he'll win a free dog biscuit!

WHEN HE THUMPED THE LIGHTS OUT

OF GEORGIA

(The setting is a grade school play ground with kids on the swing. A chick comes up and pushes a boy sitting on the swing barely swinging back and forth. The boy struggles away from her a little but she pushes him again, and again. He gets out of the swing to turn around and clocks her one.)

SFX- A VERY HARD CLOCK TO HER FACE!

(The school girl Georgia falls on her back in the grass behind the swing set.)

SFX- A VERY HARD FALL

SHEILA- Look everyone! He knocked the lights out of Georgia, get him!

OWEN- Look out dummy! Get her, get her!

CAMERON- Wrestle her to the ground!

SHEILA- Kick him in the nards!

ROBERT- Give her a twister!

SHEILA- Smack him silly!

OWEN- Pull her hair!

SHEILA- Pull his ear!

CAMERON- Quit being a wimp, beat her silly!

SHEILA- Sock him in the jaw.

(All of a sudden out from nowhere a teacher comes up running and grabs Georgia and the boy by the arm and holds the both of them there while scolding them.)

TEACHER- Break it up!

Break it up!

What's going on here, who's beating who?

Are you picking on boys, or are you picking on girls?

What do I need to do take the two of you to the office and give you either detention or something?

SHEILA- He knocked the lights out of Georgia!

CAMERON- She pushed him first!

SHEILA- Who cares guys are wimps!

OWEN- Girls are sissies!

SHEILA- Guys are wussies!

ROBERT- Just shove it everyone!

TEACHER- Well, I'd knocked the lights out of the both of you, now go back to the class.

MERV THE PERV

(The setting is a bar scene as a perverted guy name Mervin enters. There is a braw model sitting there having a drink while pinching herself all over to look sexy for the guys in the establishment.)

MERV- Is that Go-go Rodrigo?

CATHY- No it's not Mervin!

MERV- No that's "Merv the perv” to you

LAURA- Is that all you think about is go-go’s?

MERV- Why not, as long as I am on the go-go-go?

I'm Merv the perv!

CATHY- You just said that a second ago.

ANA- Hey, he said that twice!

BRAWMA- That's okay, I like perverts.

MERV- Then what's your name?

BRAWMA- Brawma!

MERV- As in braw…….ma? (HE POINTS TO HIS CHEST.)

I was hoping you didn't wear any?

CATHY- Of course she does?

You're so perverted Merv!

MERV- That's Merv the perv!

Now I'm going to show Brawma the ones I have!

BRAWMA- And what's that?

MERV- My 44 Ds!

LAURA- You're such a liar!

ANA- Why do you have to make up stuff like that Merv?

MERV- That's Merv the perv.

BRAWMA- Why don't you grow up and act like a real gentlemen and quit acting like your having a sex change or something?

LAURA- And quit saying your bogus name so loud your embarrassing us in front of all these people.

ANA- Yeah, because there are some gorgeous guys we might want to ask to do the cha-cha, salsa or tango or something and we don't want you screwing it up with your I'm "Merv the perv."

CATHY- Yeah! I think we have had enough of your sarcasms with your obscenities and go get us a drink or something before we all leave and go somewhere else "Merv the Perv."

CHEZ CHILLING

(The setting is a furniture store with two guys trying to make some sales. One of the guys named Chillan makes a sale finally again.)

CHEZ- You got another sale?

CHILLAN- Yeah, and now that I made another one I think I'll go do some chilling and kick back and let you get one.

CHEZ- Well, go sit in the Lazy Boy.

CHILLAN- I'm already Lazy, I'm a lazy man.

CHEZ- Then go sit in the Lazy Man!

CHILLAN- We don't have a Lazy Man I sold it with the Lazy Boy!

CHEZ- You mean to tell me that you made two sales in one?

CHILLAN- Yeah and I even sold an end table too.

CHEZ- Did he pay cash?

CHILLAN- No, he was pretty lazy and used his credit card and I was pretty chilling!

CHEZ- That's why I like working in this furniture store but it's too chilling because I hardly have made any sales, you hog them all.

CHILLAN- I knew this job would be chilling and I would be able to wheeze out the sales,

But I'll let you have the next one!

CHEZ- You'd better; otherwise I will have to find another job!

CHILLAN- Don't worry, more customers will come!

(Their logo is superimposed like an advertisement.)

VOICE OVER- Chez and Chillan, you buy your furniture from two guys who are kicking and a chilling!

THE NEW AND ORIGINAL GIRL

(The setting is a Christian School with the boys lined up on one side and the girls lined up on the other side. The Principal comes by for a hair and dress code inspection of all of the school's students. The Principal is carrying a slapstick.)

PRINCIPAL- Huh!

(The Principal notices a student with hair over his ears. He walks over to him and sticks his slapstick closely over his ear.)

Huh, a little over the ears!

(The Principal starts walking again passed some of the other students. He stops at a boy who has long hair that hasn't been cut short yet putting his slapstick up and down pointing to his hair.)

What's this? Long hair, this is a Christian School?

(The Principal scolds him to the middle of the line while spanking him on the end with his slapstick to move out of the school line.)

Move it, move it, and move it! Get in line everyone!

(The long hair hippie walks over towards the middle of the two lines of boys and girls and stops.)

PRINCIPAL- Now bend over and hold your ankles!

(He leans over and holds his ankles as the principal approaches with his slapstick. The Principal approaches from behind him and pulls his hand back ready to swat him.)

SFX- A HARD SWAT ONCE

(The paddle is then pulled back and forth.)

SFX- A HARD SWAT TWICE

(The long hair hippie leans back up in lots of pain and embarrassment.)

HIPPIE CHRISTIAN- (REALLY LOUD) Ow!

(The Principal looks around ready to address everybody else as the long hair hippie goes back to his place in the formation line.)

PRINCIPAL- Everyday that hair isn't cut around the ears gets the paddle!

(The Principal walks over towards the female side to check the dress code. He starts walking by all of them making sure that their wearing a dress that covers up past the knees and that their hair is properly attired.)

PRINCIPAL- Nice dress!

Nice dress!

Nice dress!

Nice dress!

(The Principal finally approaches a girl dressed in jeans and a tatter torn t-shirt with the sleeves sort of rolled up. The Principal's eyes bulge at her like she's from some rock band or something.)

Who is this?

(The school administrative secretary comes running up with a list.)

SECRETARY- She's the new girl!

PRINCIPAL- What new girl, when did she arrive?

SECRETARY- Today!

PRINCIPLE-Well she looks like a naughty girl wearing blue jeans with that so called t-shirt and not to mention she doesn't have dress shoes on. She only has those retched sneakers. Are you from a Public School, that figures! They let them wear whatever they want. Half the students wear their pants half down like they're in a hurry to go to the restroom or something. Their fathers probably keep their belts to spank their little behinds when they are around and out of line. Otherwise they would have their pants up when they are on their way going to class.

I stepped in less manure on my way to the bus stop when I was younger than they did on their way to school and I lived on a cow patty.

If my hand didn't hurt and you weren't a new student from a Public School I would have to punish you!

(The new girl has a distressed look on her face, although she's relieved. The Principal turns around and addresses everybody.)

Now everybody listen, there will be no more long hair hippies in the Christian School, and definitely no more new girls dressing naughty wearing tight jeans.

(The Principal looks around at everybody in the school by glancing from side to side.)

Now everybody go home and get dressed!

(Everybody in the school both girls and boys start running off in all directions.)

SECRETARY- What about the classes?

PRINCIPAL- Oops, I forgot to tell them to go to their classes!

SEARCH FOR SUNGLASSES

(The setting is a neighborhood with four girls walking ready to go to a park. Their squinting because it's a very hot day and the sun is really bright.)

STACY- Are those generic glasses you're wearing?

KIM- Are those bell bottom pants you're wearing?

MOLLY- Will you stop with your put downs?

STACY- Anyway before we go to the park we need to stop at a mall so I can buy some shades because I can't stop squinting.

JODY- Same here I guess, but the last time we went to the mall and shopped we spent too much money at the lingerie store!

KIM- Well, this time will just browse!

STACY- I'm browsed and surfed right now from squinting too much!

My eyes are almost tearing! Let's just surf our way through the lingerie stuff and get some shades.

MOLLY- What are we surfers now on a beach?

STACY- What do you mean?

MOLLY- You said surf our way through!

STACY- That was just a saying!

(All four girls enter the mall and head for the sunglasses store in the mall. Right away they all walk over to the sunglasses stand.)

KIM- These suck, they don't fit. They don't look good on me. They look brainless.

MOLLY- I like these shades they look good on me. I should buy them.

JODY- I like these English style shades.

(Stacy picks up a pair of huge sunglasses nearly covering her whole entire face.)

STACY- They have nothing I like except these huge glasses. Check these out!

(The store worker approaches them with some glasses with really huge fake eyebrows.)

STORE WORKER- Try these fake eye browse! I bet they'd look very good on you!

KIM- Where did you get those?

STORE WORKER- Oh, a guy tried to come in and put them on to use them in a hold up but tripped over the magazine rack and then ran out. For some reason I decided to take them back and keep them.

STACY- Cool, I'll take them!

(Stacy grabs them out of her hand and puts them on really quickly and tries them on.)

Now I can put on these fake eyebrows and use them as visors instead of my own, I like them.

JODY- Now let's go to the park!

Below is a link to "Onstage Comedy Material" subpage 3.