N
Talk about the street Ivyglen and Stapley where someone who looks like the actor Napolean Dynamite lives. They send a hooker for a joker and don’t even get a peep show. And what about the actresses like Lindsay Lohan and Natalie Portman, most of them never stayed at Wal-Mart long enough for a peep show!
There are only three Film Comedy seats left in cinema; you better jump in there you nice and easy idiots.
Nobody has a briefcase for that meeting: well, I bet neither of them ever shops at the Men’s Warehouse neither!
Ghost Rider-- Hey Financial Advisors where did you dig up that guy. It’s a Nickel less cage around here. What are you a bank teller and can’t afford a role of nickels when you’re working with your head on fire. Maybe Ghost Rider will have to get some rocks and stone rear in an extraditable country to get a good Financial Advisor. “You like the Rocket Man? It’s you, you’re the Rocket Man!”
The only other line would have to be a naked one I believe.
Most people don't know my actor name; because they never saw the movie "Sahara." So go figure! What is it Arabian like Lawrence of Arabia?
O
Oops, a lot of people think that they can get an honest nude job. They’re wrong most companies make you start out with gay porn. They say to the guys, “See that Grizzly Adams over there with hair on his back. He’s your first job then next week you get Suzy Q.” They tell the women, see that old lady with curlers welded to her hair. She’s your first special.”
“Old time actresses, old time actresses, actresses, actresses. There are these way old time actresses!” Sounds like an Opra Winfrey moment.
“Oh,” is something you say when you don’t understand what someone is saying to you in a conversation.
Two of the letters in a conversation is pronounced differently.
The only other line I can think of is “Oh God!”
P
Here I sit on the pot as my rear begins to plop, the likeness of a local cop!
Here’s my first jewelry prayer—“Bless my heart; bless my soul, you can all kiss me a-hole!”
It’s funny when you read about all of the famous directors and their past experiences like Francis Ford Coppola, Roger Corman, and Martin Scorsese. Many of them became popular through porn. What an interesting set to teach cinema students, “Can’t you cop and score enough sissy’s you hard core men?”
Nowadays anybody can be Paparazzi. Anybody with a phone. But in the old days they had to send one out. I have a shot of him in this hat, that hat, these shirts and those shirts. Boring--- No wonder most of them are peeping toms.
Peacock displaying plumage—even Jay Leno shows his plumage and alpha maleness, or how about no plumage like the show with the two hairs on his head character in “Little Scoundrels.”
Pixar- Quit picking your nose and picks her!
Posers- They wouldn’t know how to rock if Van Halen came over and sat on their face and the lead guitarist beat his electrical tape on them and twisted his toggle switch a few times.
Paramount- If you want two mounts.
Talking Philosophy- “The John’s Locke doesn’t work, and then everyone will see you pooping philosophy!
Those dudes won’t be on the Periodic Table of Elements until they trip and cut themselves and have their momma rub their busted behind with some ines, bromines, or some iodines.
They couldn’t find out who murdered the “Purple Rain” singer Prince. That’s because they couldn’t find his finger Prince.
Q
Are there any queers in the room? Not mine anyhow!
It’s hard to come up with jokes that are about the letter q anymore to put in here!
There must not be that many queers in town.
I guess we can count out all of the ferries in town as well!
If I had some Queen jokes, I’d let you know!
You’re mother’s a queen and your daddy is a queer!
R
Rose are red and violets are blue, here I sit taking a doo!
Richard Simmons—he’s so sensitive he couldn’t swat a fly without a guilt trip. Well, because he’s gay. I’m sure he has swatted a lot of gay fly’s in his lifetime.
Russian acting groups—well you can blow off the Russian Dating Service. Heck those girls don’t even stay five years anymore. Now days you’re lucky to get a year and half. According to Cap the Army man, or should I say Ken, their fathers perform a virgin test. What do they do look up there when they fly over and make sure the letters CCCP are still tattooed on her thighs. Or maybe they make sure there is still gang way for their Russian Hammer to pound in later to take back their virginity. If you have a Hungarian Dating Service you might have a pissed off father with a hammer and a grim reaper whacker. Who are they Monte Python? Boom Chug a lugga, boom chug lugga, boom.”
He said Green Day was pussy rock when I asked him because they were booed off warming up for the Rolling Stones, but Prince had a great Purple of Rain tour!
You’re like a rash because you've Bengay!
The rocks between his legs must be emery rocks, because you can’t tell if he’s smoothing his nails or scratching his rocks.
Rock Star Energy Drink- Gives you a rocking buzz feeling, but nobody is really rocking out!
What does a Russian say when having an orgasm? Yet, yet, yet, yet!
Did you know that Ramsey had 100 sons? That's because he forgot to use Ramsey condoms. Yes well, he could have used Trojan condoms too. (Overdub) Ramsey wish he were a Trojan Man!
S
A couple sailboating, "Stick the rutter back in, stick the rutter back in!"
Why is it that when you go shopping you always pick a line that has someone with a return?
Why do shoppers ditch items five aisles over, “Oh, I don’t want this anymore, I’ll leave it here?”
You show the shoes so the audience looks for a matching blouse!
There are a lot of sleeper cells now days. Who cares, as long as the world still has lots of chicks? How about sleeper chicks?
Most shoppers are a bunch of jerks. Why do you always pick a line that has a shopper with no cash or a good credit card?
All the entertainment people are worth is a slash in the throat or rear. Heck by the time your down with them you’ll have two rears!
Anybody can write a comedy book, but as far as selling it, “What does a literary agency know about skits? Are they in the teepee outback?
Stretch four— how fantastic? You have to be a stretch four to shove your foot up everybody’s rear.
Stripper Wars—kind of like Storage Wars, although instead of junk you have 4 strippers, a dance table, a couple of poles, and a DJ booth. The bids start at $100. “Do I hear $100,” the auctioneer says. The yapper’s man says, “Yupp!” That concludes this auction. Pay the lady. “Do you want it in their G-string?” “Yupp!”
Shakespeare in the bush, what is he getting some poontang?
Shaving- Instead of Jim Bridger killing the wolf for fur, why couldn’t he just frocking shave the wolf mamma you idiot!
Smitty's- Someone moved in to type your story!
Slang- Know what I mean, jelly bean. Don’t be wise, bubble eyes. Understand rubber band?
T
Everybody is thrifty, cheap, stingy, nor low budget.
Who would want to shoplift a huge hundreds of dollar TV? Can’t anyone afford a cheap boob tube?
A new name for Tesoro is Tesoro De Oro Campos.
T- For field goal— Ponce Deleon—or punts that foot up your rear.
Maybe Tom Cruise could bungee jump over there! Maybe Jeremy Renner could bungee jump from Hungary to Germany across the Hungarian River. Heck there’s only really two Renner’s anyhow!
Those people are like Hemorrhoids you couldn’t put a George Brett bat up against. Even Johnny Bench would sit down in the cage on that one.
Talk like a dork. Heck everybody talks like a dork.
The Nacho Avirex (Flying Taco) sounds like someone named a clothes line after a freaking potato chip. You may as well add the Lays Vulture (Rolling Dorito) who annoys you with his noisy chip rack cart and Jane Seymour couldn’t beat him off with an onion dip, a chick who makes your eyes water.
U
You all better move and beat past the Rocky Mountains. We’re under water 10 feet, 2 feet, and 1000 feet—get your snorkels ready. Hell, just surf it!
“If you aren’t drinking beer with them don’t do business with them.” That’s someone else’s old motto. My motto is, “If you aren’t sleeping in bed with the female every night don’t do business with them.” Capuche! I’ve drunken tons of beer with all kinds of people and don’t do business with them, capuche again!
Actually, he drove a Union Pacific caboose up their.
V
If you want a ventriloquist, he’ll have to put his hand up your rear and make a puppet out of you!
Is Victor a victor because he’s a winner? Maybe he’s a boxing dog.
V for Vendetta or how about G for gay?
Or better yet, how about V for vagina!
Maybe we can even have a ventriloquist do an impersonation for us!
Vegetarian- Do vegetarian men eat pussy wussy?
W
There are only two kinds of women in the world, those that are nice and those that are dumb.
Notice that when you go to wrecking yards they say they have your car but when you get to the row it’s a wrecker two years off and even the rear view mirror doesn’t fit?
Don’t worry about people getting you angry because tomorrow it’ll be someone else who says something bratty or offensive.
When it comes to books I have a ton of stuff. Everybody has a ton of crap; everybody is a ton of crap.
Weslo- People return their treadmills for refurbishing with weird items left inside the box, “Do you want your Jane Fonda treadmill refurbished or your sweaty Jane Fonda workout shorts?
W.C. Field’s imitation- Like my film short “The Bank Dick.” You will talk to him like he is a man named Dick and that is usual.
Who Captain Kirk? He started off like Pike turning Star Trek in to a quest for strange green women. Then he met Big Daddy. Heck in the newest Star Trek Captain Kirk goes from strange green women to Delta Omega; he doesn’t even get a click from Hotel.com. So much for a cameo appearance!
When did the crab eat the fox?
X
Why did the man at the sewer plant x that job? Because there was too much crap to deal with over there. Now he is a farmer. What a change from crap to manure.
I guess he is an entremanure because everything he touches turns to manure.
Talk about x marking the spot, I write a page, they scratch their?
Hey, aren’t there any x rated lines that are funny anymore around here?
My ex-wife is an ex I assume!
Y
Sometimes you can become mad a t yourself for having a big mouth, but it takes one to know one.
You have the Ying Yang Twin chins, so you may as well ad the other chins as well too.
Jerry Seinfeld- making out in his comedy show at Schindler’s List, that’s a circle of crud list. Where’s the Terminator movie at?
Why work out to get great abs when they turn to flabs.
Yahoo- Now that you have search for bitcoins in yahoo you know all of them chicks will turn their heads not only for bitcoin, or feather coins, but for some doge coins.
Yes, I like dry humor!
Z
Need some z’s time he got to sleep!
There aren’t even any jokes that I can place under the last letter z either!
Why aren’t there any zoo landers around who want to act like animals and be a stud?
So much for her zebra!
Unless you like ZZ Top!