SURE THING
(The setting is a waiting room with a girl Michelle sitting with an empty seat next to hers.
Mickey approaches wondering if the seat next to hers is free or open.)
MICKEY- Anybody sitting there?
MICHELLE- (WITH AN ATTITUDE) Where?
MICKEY- Here in this seat?
MICHELLE- Does it looks like anybody is sitting there?
MICKEY- No!
MICHELLE- What's it to you?
MICKEY- Can I sit there?
MICHELLE- No, I need to rest my arm.
(Mickey leaves and then changes his shirt and then comes back again.)
MICKEY- Is anybody sitting there?
MICHELLE- Where?
MICKEY- There in that chair right next to you!
MICHELLE- What do you think?
MICKEY- I don't know, are you going to rest your arm there all day?
MICHELLE- Why what's it to you?
MICKEY- Why are you such a hard case?
All I want to do is sit down.
MICHELLE- My arm is still tired!
(Mickey leaves again but this time he puts a cap on and some sun glasses and heads back.)
MICKEY- Is anyone sitting there?
MICHELLE- Where?
MICKEY- Right there in this chair.
MICHELLE- What do you think?
MICKEY- I don't know.
MICHELLE- Didn't you say that last time?
MICKEY- Who, what, why?
MICHELLE- Why do you keep coming back dressing different?
MICKEY- Because this is the only seat open in thewhole entire place…… (Mickey Looks around) See?
MICHELLE- See what?
MICKEY- Any empty seats?
MICHELLE- I guess not, why what's it to you?
MICKEY- Are you going to let me sit her or not?
MICHELLE- I don't know, what it is to you, I guess……… Just don't bother me though!
MICKEY- I won't!
(Mickey sits down right away really quick.)
Hey, you can move your arm now!
MICHELLE- Oh sorry, it fell asleep…. I have habits of falling asleep at weird places!
MICKEY- Wow! What's it to you?
DRAGGING IT
(The set is a cop show from the Dragnet set with Joe Friday and Bill Gannon. Joe Friday comes walking from an alley way all tattered and torn after getting the bad guy. The handcuffed culprit is moaning in agony like Reverend Jim from Taxi as he carries him away.)
MOANING GUY- Ohhhhhh!
VOICE OVER- Your favorite cop show is back tonight at 9:00 Eastern Time.
(Bill Gannon comes out dragging his left leg as he approaches other officers who take the suspect in to custody.)
Dragging it.
CAPTAIN- You two aren't officers of Dragnet, because you two are always dragging it.
JOE FRIDAY- Ah, shut up!
VOICE OVER- Dragging it, at 9:00 tonight. And then Hungry Harry is back again with a surprise for viewers to eat and shove down their throats. And he's hungrier than ever this time around.
(Hungry Harry walks in to a taco establishment with a bunch of beaners looking back at him as he walks in. He takes off his sunglasses and looks at the menu.)
CASHIER- Can I help you?
(Hungry Harry pulls out his gun and aims it at the cashier.)
HUNGRY HARRY- Yes….. I have had a really bad day and I'm really angry.
(Hungry Harry looks around at the menu once again.)
HUNGRY HARRY- Now, make my taco and hurry it up!
(The cashier walks back with a twitch as she makes his taco for him.)
HUNGRY HARRY- And put more cheese on them this time………And hurry up!
VOICE OVER- Hungry Harry pigging his way to you at 11:00PM.
THE GRAMMY AWARD
(The Grammy Awards with the host "More to rid of them" doing the honors.)
HOST- It's great to be here tonight, I'm your host "More to get rid of them," And this special award to a very special actor for his role in, "I just want to get back to your hotel and do one," Snorting Junior.
(Snorting Junior comes approaching for the award.)
JUNIOR- It's great to be here tonight.
HOST- I heard you're still a junior?
JUNIOR- No, they tried me as a senior.
HOST- Well, that never stopped you from winning Grammys.
JUNIOR- In fact, if it's a healthy Grammy, I'll sneak off to your hotel and try one.
(Another actress walks up to the podium where he is standing.)
ACTRESS- I heard you scored a Grammy?
JUNIOR- This time it's only enough for me.
ACTRESS- So are we going to bogie out?
JUNIOR- Not if you come back with me and enjoy a night cap!
HOST- There you have another match made in heaven!
STUTTERING SINGER
(A father is sitting with his daughter at the dinner table.)
FATHER- Your Music Teacher called earlier and said they don't need you at Band Practice anymore.
DAUGHTER- We we well, wh wh why di di did she say th th that?
FATHER- Come on, you know why she said that, everyone knows you stutter.
DAUGHTER- I do does not stutter that badly.
FATHER- Well, everyone knows you stutter, just listen to yourself, how can you hide that, it's impossible?
DAUGHTER- I can st still si sing a number or tw two.
FATHER- What number could you possibly sing stuttering so much like that!
DAUGHTER- I can sing Mad Madonna Cherish.
FATHER- I talk perfectly and I can't even sing that one, so I can't imagine you singing it.
DAUGHTER- Yo you wa want to see me?
FATHER- Okay, let's see you try and sing.
DAUGHTER- Ch ch ch cherish, Ch ch cherish. S so t tired of b broken hear hearts, o of l losing the, this game be before it starts.
FATHER- Come on, that's enough, finish your desert! Maybe one day you'll have your own recording and be a stuttering star.
MATH SON
(The setting is a Trigonometry III classroom with the math teacher standing at the front of the classroom. All of the students are watching for his instructional introduction. There is one hippie student who is sitting on the side leaning against the wall because there aren't enough seats. It is the very first day of the school year.)
DR. MAN- I guess everyone has found themselves a seat except our hippie sitting over in the corner over there. I actually passed you last year in Algebra II. I guess your long hair gives you more leverage.
HIPPIE- You know I passed your class with an A.
DR. MAN- And over on this side we have our world's smartest math son.
MATH SON- I'm not a math son, I am a girl because I have these. And if you knew anything about math you would see two.
(She starts to scribble on her notebook a little looking away.)
DR. MAN- And over here we have our favorite jock!
CHEER LEADER- I'm not a jock, I am a cheerleader.
DOG ALONE- And I'm the one dog you gets her alone.
(The Cheerleader Dog Alone gets up and shakes her stuff around and then sits back down.)
PUNK ROCKER- And I are a man from another time of lives, a Punk Rocker who can sing and jive.
DR. MAN- Well, it looks like we are going to have us an interesting class this semester everybody open their textbooks and let's get started!
MAC AND RUN OUT
(The setting is a typical wife and husband scene where the husband comes home expecting an already prepared meal when he walks inside the front door. After he enters he approaches the kitchen.)
HUSBAND- What's for dinner?
WIFE- I made your favorite.
HUSBAND- That cheesy stuff you usually like all of the time?
WIFE- Of course that cheesy stuff, Mac and Run out!
VOICE OVER- "Mac and Run out." When she knows you came home only to mac and then run back out.
WIFE- Now that you have mucked out, I bet you're going to run out.
(He eats the macaroni off of the plate as fast as he possibly can in order to get out of the door.)
HUSBAND- That's right!
(He takes the plate to the sink as quick as a flash and heads for the front door.)
WIFE- Don't worry? We're having the same thing tomorrow night!
GET CHEAP
(Agent Might Get Smart comes walking through the two closing elevator doors, then two closing steel doors, then two different colored steel doors. And then finally, Might Get Smart stands in a jail as the doors made of steel bars slap him in the nose. Then Agent Might Get Smart walks up to Agent 9.)
AGENT 9- Oh, there you are to the max.
SMART- Well, I'm not to the max anymore?
AGENT 9- Why is that?
SMART- Well, I changed my Agent name to Might Get Smart because all of my credit cards were cancelled.
AGENT 9- That's terrible, I thought you made your payments.
SMART- And right before my special assignment too. I guess I'm going to have to get cheap on this one.
AGENT 9- Well, how cheap can you possibly get?
SMART- I'm going to get so cheap that I can only pay you 9 dollars a week according to your position.
AGENT 9- Don't be stupid, I give my services for absolutely nothing.
(She puts her arms around him as tight as she can without falling over.)
SMART- It was a good thing I gave you a down payment.
AGENT 9- With that cancelled check; I don't even have enough change to pay the parking meter. I had to park a million miles away, I couldn't even find any covered parking.
SMART- I should have figured that without your license it would be hard to get a parking permit!
GET ARGUING
(The setting is a talk show where people argue over pitiful things. The camera zooms in to Dr. Over the Hill with three people and their family problems.)
DR. OVER THE HILL- Okay, we are back after those important messages!
HUSBAND- You liar!
(The wife starts to get angry at her husband.)
WIFE- What did you say?
(The Husband speaks back abruptly to his wife.)
HUSBAND- You heard me call you a liar.
(Dr. Over the Hill gets in to it a little more seriously this time.)
DR. OVER THE HILL- You two definitely have a communication problem. Are you two very aware of that?
WIFE- Heck yes!
HUSBAND- You darn right!
SON- You darn right they sure are!
DR. OVER THE HILL- Now the way I see it is that you need to tell her just how angry you really are with each other.
HUSBAND- I do every day.
WIFE- Every morning he dresses up like Groucho Marx and wears funky Big Eye Brows bitching at me while smoking a huge cigar.
HUSBAND- That's because when she wakes up she looks like Frankenstein's Daughter trying to take a shower before I do!
SON- And I are tired of not getting my Wheaties before I head off to school.
DR. OVER THE HILL- Well, what you need to do is scream your head off about getting some Wheaties in your diet!
SON- When I wake up I better get what I want, okay!
DR. OVER THE HILL- And what you need to do is while he's arguing tell him off and jump in the shower anyway.
WIFE- You darn right I will!
DR. OVER THE HILL- And what you need to do is!
(He puts his head down putting on a Groucho Marx set of funky glasses.)
DR. OVER THE HILL- There we have it another Grouchy show if I ever have done one, Goodnight!
NAPPING AUTO PARTS
(The Setting is an auto parts store where the sales clerk is napping behind the counter; a customer walks in while the sales clerk is still snoring. The customer walks up to the counter and waves his hand in front of his face. The customer then gives up waving his hand and puts his hand under his arm and makes some noise smiling.)
SFX- SNORING
CUSTOMER- Still nothing, boy he's really asleep!
(Then the customer moons him and then turns back around to see if he has woken up yet.)
SFX- SNORING
(Then the customer grabs a brake drum from the side of the counter and slams it down as hard as he can trying to make lots of noise.)
SFX- A LAST SNORE OF RELIEF
(The napping employee wakes up quickly like a soldier dodging a bombshell.)
SALES CLERK- Woo!
I fell asleep again!
What do you need?
CUSTOMER- I need a new fuel pump for my Fiat.
SALES CLERK- You mean fix it again Tony!
CUSTOMER- What is that supposed to mean?
SALES CLERK- It's just a saying I have when someone needs a part for a Fiat.
CUSTOMER- Is that right?
SALES CLERK-Yes, I tell them to take it around the corner to Tony's Garage, get it. Fix it again Tony?
CUSTOMER- Ha, ha, funny, I can fix it myself. The only thing I can't fix is a bad day.
SALES CLERK- Well let me ring you up because I have a napping to catch!
TURNED FOR SOME HOOCHIE MOMMA
(The setting is with the character Time for a Hankie walking his dog named Hoochie. His dog aims for the newspaper before he even picks it up from the front patio. Quickly he pulls on the leash.)
HANKIE- Come on; don't go on that, I don't even have today's paper.
(Hoochie walks over to a tricycle and lifts his leg.)
HANKIE- Now, come on Hoochie. Turn away from that there tricycle. I don't want to cause no trouble for the people in our community.
(Hoochie approaches a passerby with a newspaper as he nearly lifts his leg again.)
HANKIE- Hoochie, can't you see he is reading the newspaper again.
(Hoochie leaves as he shrugs his leg.)
HANKIE- Come on Hoochie, let's leave him alone!
(Then Hoochie pulls the leash over to a female dog just a little ways a way. He runs over as fast as he can tearing the leash loose from his hand.)
HANKIE- Oh my God, you turned for some Hoochie Momma!
VOICE OVER- Turned for some Hoochie Momma premiering tomorrow night!
BACKSTAGE LUNCHMEAT
(The setting is the backstage of a Sugarloaf concert where everyone is getting ready to gather around the table for dinner before a big show.)
SUGARLOAF- Come on everybody, let's eat!
(Everybody gathers around the table for some chow. Sugarloaf stares around the room at some new roadies that are there tonight.)
SUGARLOAF- Looks like we have ourselves some new roadies here tonight!
I don't have enough food for everybody!
(Everybody starts growling for some food because they are all hungry.)
SUGARLOAF- Should have brought some more?
HEAD ROADIE- What are we having for dinner tonight Sugarloaf?
(Sugarloaf gets a funny smirk looking at him as though he is stupid.)
SUGARLOAF- What do you think we are having? What did we have for breakfast, what did we have for lunch? What did we have yesterday? What did we have the day before that? What did we have when it was your birthday, my birthday? What did we have the day your car broke down, the day our bus broke down? The day you got laid, the day I got laid? What did we have the day I fired your manager, the day I became your manager? The day your mother came to town, the day my mother came to town?
(The head roadie gets a disgusted look on his face from his excuses.)
SUGARLOAF- What did we have the day we went gold and the day we went platinum? What did we have the day we made our first video?
(Then Sugarloaf stands up leaning over the table to lift the silver lid exposing a large sugarloaf holding it open for everyone. Everybody starts to moan and groan.)
SUGARLOAF- We are having the mascot of our idol, sugarloaf for dinner again!
HEAD ROADIE- Oh man, not sugarloaf again today!
SKID SOME ROWS
(The setting is a music awards ceremony with many famous bands heading towards the front looking for their seats. Arrow Smith is leading the way as the lead singer points to his seat a few rows away.)
ARROW SMITH SINGER - Hey look someone is in our seats!
(Flip Some and Jip Some is sitting in their seats trying to stay unnoticed by him. Arrow Smith wants their seats backs as they approach closer.)
ARROW SMITH GUITARIST- Hey, those are our front row seats!
ARROW SMITH DRUMMER- You guys are going to have to skid some rows!
FLIP SOME AND JIP SOME GUITARIST- We just got here!
ARROW SMITH SINGER- And so did we!
FLIP SOME AND JIP SOME SINGER- Aw man, I'm too drunk.
FLIP SOME AND JIP SOME DRUMMER- Aw man, I got the gigs.
ARROW SMITH DRUMMER- Who cares?
ARROW SMITH GUITARIST- Now move it, skid a row!
(They all jump a row while Arrow Smith stands out of the way. Flip Some and Jip Some hops over the seats barely. Arrow Smith starts to choose what seats they all want. Someone starts moon walking in Flip Some and Jip Some's way impersonating Michael Jackson.)
FLIP SOME AND JIP SOME DRUMMER- Move it, you aren't Michael Jackson.
(Everybody gets ready for the show to begin as the Master of Ceremonies checks the microphone before the show. Flip Some and Jip Some start to have fun throwing their popcorn at Arrow Smith for taking their seats. Arrow Smith gives Flip Some and Jip Some a sign as one of them throws their candy bar at them hitting them back. One of the Flip Some and Jip Some guys picks it up and throws it back.)
SFX- ANOTHER BAND APPROACHING
SKID A ROW SINGER- Who are these guys in our seats?
FLIP SOME AND JIP SOME DRUMMER- Like who are you guys?
SKID A ROW SINGER- Like we're the guys who are going to kick you out of these seats.
(Skid a Row looks around like they're the stars of the show tonight. They look around at each other chuckling a bit.)
Who do you think we are you degenerates?
What do you think this is a Sacred Rich ten kegger?
We're Skid a Row.
Now skid some rows over!
Or go back to the Freak Block at Coronado!
(Flip Some and Jip Some gets angry as they start to skid another row back by climbing over the seats acting all goofy again.)
SKID A ROW SINGER- And by the way, when's the next stage bash?
Below is a link to "Onstage Comedy Material" subpage 3.