ONE LINERS
I was going to do my impressions of other performers, but this jerk beat me to it.
Hear about the playmate for Leaper Year? She had the same centerfold every month.
I record all of my shows but the show has to be played backwards to hear the punch lines of the jokes.
Blame a terrible joke on the audience.
Women are always telling me to take it easy, if I could get it easy I would take it twice.
But everyone says I'm tight, when I walk they can hear my butt squeak.
I don't mind going out with married women, rings don't plug holes.
My uncle caught me watching adult movies. I said they were a part of my life. He said, "So is diarrhea, but I wouldn't classify that as entertainment.”
It's so scorching where I'm from in Arizona that patio furniture and equipment stands on one leg.
They say that the divorce rate is going down, and that's because everybody is already divorced.
You know you're old when you are in the middle of something and you forget what you're doing, that could be embarrassing if you are in the middle of a piece of butt.
My girlfriend told me that she was breaking up because I had split personalities; I told her, "I don't think so and so do I."
Hear about the beauty contest in South Phoenix, Arizona. That's what I said "A beauty contest in South Phoenix," heck I came in second.
Phoenix is a city where you leave something and kick it over to Salt Lake City before you pick it up.
If you can hit something with an M-16 you're really good, "Damn peep sights."
All members of Congress are idiots and the rest are below that!
When the government tells you to do something you know it's messed up!
That's the greatest thing since tea in Africa and China!
I watched this guy walk in to a bar and throw down one hundred dollars on the bar. I guess he wanted to get rid of his sex appeal kind of like a Christian Evangelist.
Ever since you were born, you were dying.
My girlfriend started dating again as a result of taking her out on another date.
My dad died, I inherited his bills.
They say it's bad to have sex before marriage, but its okay after a divorce.
Nobody trusts me and I even cut my hair to change that, do I just have one of those reputations that don't stop.
After you go to the bathroom let me know if anything came out alright.
A testicle is a small test.
Wait until you get home to do it.
Bull riders think an eight second ride is so great!
Why is it when you turn the bathroom fan on the rest of the house smells?
You're not fat; just all body.
Its great having a friendly pen-pal and not really having to worry about anybody else.
I went out with this girl and she said, "I can fix anything but a broken heart."
And why do women think lane changing is a contest of will.
I've gone to traffic school so many times I could probably teach the class if I had to.
I go through girls quicker than cigarettes.
There's only one person who knows who your father is and that's your mother unless she don't know!
My girlfriend takes so long to dress, with such little result.
If Jerry had kids, they'd be Jerry's kids.
If it wasn't for radio, I would still have to read.
Waitresses are sluts who deliver.
Jew holding circumcise knife, "Well it won't be that long now."
Why do you wear a hat, too lazy to comb your hair?
It's better to be a slob, this way you don't lose things.
The coldness in the room gave it away.
Rum goes down warm, Tequila makes you puke.
If you hadn't had a piece of anything in a while go at it slow and easy.
Oh no, I'll never see the end to alcohol abuse and I'll drink to that!
Know when to say when, if I'm drunk it won't even make sense to me.
A rocker's water was turned off; well they don't take showers anyway!
You can pick your nose and see what makes it run.
How do you keep a hard on, don't mess with it?
What's wrong not enough hair to absorb it?
So we get to sit back and look at your hairy masculine legs?
What do you think beds are for sleeping in?
A pervert called my house and my girlfriend answered, "Talk to me some more," before he freaked out and hung up.
Don't call us, we'll call you, with those split personalities I can see why.
To be absent you must have an acceptable explanation, if you're dead.
Have you ever tried rubbing two sticks together or banging two rocks together, no wonder man invented the match.
It pisses me off about the people who get ahead; I guess you have to be a jerk to get anywhere!
I thought aids would be to knock out the gay platoon, now they are bringing it back.
Do you put lotion on your rear end, that's why it's cracked?
If you watch 3 football games you are legally brain-dead.
Do Native Indians drink alcohol, the law says they don’t!
A guy following you, do you pull in the alley way and say, "I'll see what he wants?"
He told her he was an actor because he can fake an orgasm!
He's such a slut girls have to find a fresh spot on his neck.
If Jack was on the roof would you help jack off?
I don't want to figure women out just sleep with them.
Kids don't smile when they are older because they are being tried as an adult.
MacGyver can do anything with duct tape and masking tape.
Just don't get a haircut like Mr. Horse shack!
“Are you hiring, are you hiring, okay I'll be right down!”
A straight beats a full house in a card game, "What are you stupid?"
Therapists say to buckle down with a woman, "This is marriage not a road test."
People die smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, but I am not going to stop screwing.
I'm not a Rocket Scientist under it with a match.
I'm not a Hula Dancer under your rear with a fire stick!
COMEBACKS FOR HECKLERS
You're like a rash I can't reach or scratch!
I feel for you just can't really reach you!
What's wrong someone go to the bathroom in your mess kit?
If you mess with my bean or cheese you're messing with the whole burrito!
If you're going to whistle, do it like a bird and through your woody pecker.
If I need lip from you, I'll scrap my zipper from my pants.
He's only in a depraved mood because he banged his head on the toilet seat getting a drink of water.
Save your hot air for your blow up girl!
Don't bother me when I'm sleeping because I don't come to your bed and knock the slorts out of your mouth!
If your shoulders were a rear, your head would be crud!
If a-holes could fly this place would be an airport.
Your memory is as short as everything else around here.
It isn't the Mayflower, but your sister came across in it.
It isn't the Riviera but your mother stayed there.
Is there a diamond in your rear?
Where did you get those spotted pants, a costume or dress shop?
JOKES
Where do Hershey Kisses come from, cows with skintight a-holes?
You have a lake with a dam and you want to let water out, what you do, you open the dam door?
What is paranoid? When you think the football players are talking about tackling you in the huddle!
The Police Department had their toilets seats stolen; the funny thing was that they had nothing to really go on.
What's the difference between LSD and LDS? One takes you on a mission and the other one takes you on a trip.
How did the two fish at the lake get aids? They ran in to a fay Ferry Boat!
What is Poly-grip for? To hold your parrot all day!
Did you hear about the Who Base Player dying? Who?
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking beer on a camping trip? Invite two of them.
BINGO
I lost my job as a Bingo Number Caller because I was putting the Bingo balls in the wrong holes.
I'd rather go to school than work at Bingo at least the girls there are in my age group.
My boss came up to me and said, "We're going to take you out of the caller stand and put you on the floor so you can drop your balls, I mean the bingo balls in the blower."
Before we call Bingo we have to have a customer check our balls, "No honey these balls."
One time when I was calling Bingo a gay guy came up and said, "I'm looking for your balls." I said, "I have seventy five balls."
It's especially hard to sell pull tabs, when I was in the restroom a guy came up to me to buy pull tabs when I was going to the bathroom and said, "Can I buy some pull tabs." I said, "Sure hold this while I count them."
One time I sold this guy a $1000 dollar winner. He told me to give myself a $5.00 tip and buy a rope. I told him to give me $50.00 and I'd surprise him.
Even though Bingo didn't work out I want you to know I'm going to be a millionaire because I came out with a new invention. Instead of using condoms I invented an airbag; it blows the Willy out of the Hussy.
AUTOMOTIVE
I used to work on planes. None of them hit the ground. Well none of them ever got off of the ground. Once I put a V4 in my friends go cart, it flew.
Before working on cars my girlfriend helps me pre-lubricate the moving parts. Sometimes the shaft doesn't fit the hole.
It's important to know a lot about cars I laugh at the people who don't know a lot about cars. In the morning it won't start so they kick it. That will start it.
And most people think that the idiot light means, "There's enough oil keep driving."
Never take the radiator cap off when it's hot unless you're my auto teacher. He does perfect every time. One of these days he will screw up and I'd be happy to watch.
Those mechanics suck. At least when I replace a belt, it doesn't sound like a guitar string on the high E chord.
Now the manufacturers took more money out of the mechanics pocket. Now if you want to replace a water pump any Tom, Dick, Jane, or Harry can put it on. There's even a picture on the side to show you how.
Joe Checker, he's really smart with a computer in front of him. At the counter I asked for a hump head piston, he thought I was going to hump the counter.
A lot of people don't understand what loss of power is on the intake manifold. If you hook it up to a woman on a pee-pot and you can't get it started, that's loss of power. What you want me to hook it up to you?
People always put Fords down, "Fords break." At least they burn enough rpm's to hurt themselves. Dodges don't!
Everyone makes their mistake in engine design and Ford is King.
Ford is coming out with a new model, "I just wonder which one they will delete?
Diesel, doesn't that mean that it decelerates all of the time?
Ever notice that there is only one hand signal people remember, the finger!
Why when you are making a left turn does it seem like the gut behind you has a magnet on his car, green arrow, turns red, who really cares?
Now days, you can buy stronger cars at "Toys Are Us."
My dad's car was so old that he had kerosene lamps for the headlights.
I bought a car with a sign that said broken door. The sign should have said, "GM! Don't touch."
This damn car falls apart so much that I feel like the "Six Million Dollar Man." She's breaking up, she's breaking up."
I pulled up and this guy took up two parking spaces. I guess he doesn't want anyone to hit his rust spot.
He must have bought a good deal with no bumper.
Working on engines is kind of like going out with fat chicks. You must always use crack detecting and plastic gauge.
Is it true a Mercedes is a German Taxi Cab?
There are proper ways to sit in your car but depends on what you are doing.
Pretty soon we will have as many freeways as Los Angeles, "Yes I saw two guys working today."
"Twinkies and coffee," the morning driver's favorite pet peeve.
What is the meaning of friction? The meaning is one body rubbing against another.
What is the meaning of sex? The matter of sex is the right friction and of course the right lubricant.
I told my girlfriend to let me know anytime the car made a funny noise. She's pretty good at that. Half of the time it's nothing
These newer cars are crash pads for the older ones.
Most people don't fix their brakes unless it sounds expensive.
When you buy GM, the license plate should say, "Fragile handle with care."
I called for an ad for a Datsun; the guy told me it was a lowered convertible. Yeah right, what did you do throw rocks in the back, steal the wheels off your lawnmower, or did you lower it using a feeler gauge. Then he tells me it's strong and dependable. What's it do lift weights and barbells?
His car has a beautiful engine, but you close the hood and it's totally ugly.
People get confused about which one is the tire and which one is the wheel. If you bang your head against it and it bounces back its rubber. But then if you bang your head against it and get a cling, its steal, or an over inflated rubber.
And why do people think the anti-sway bar is for drunks?
I was working at Automotive Service Center in the parts Department. Some guy calls and asks if we have a carburetor rebuild kit for a 1989 vette. So I look it up when I'm on the phone, "Yes I have a rebuild kit for your 1989 Corvette." The guy answers back, "That was a Chevette."
In the Iroc Race the tow truck was the first to cross the finish line.
Chevy your sucking wind, something better to do.
Buick 1.8 liter, heck my lawnmower has more power. Heck a bottle of pop has 2 liters.
The temperature of this room is controlled by Honeywell, but they can't keep a man up in space.
Smuggling Mexicans in Panel Doors, I guess it's better than power windows. Boom! Roll them up!
Do you know what torque and horsepower are, when you get up in the morning and stand in front of the toilet and push down real hard and your heals pop up. That's torque, but If you slip and hit yourself in the face that's horsepower.
Look at this guy he smiles and it looks like hi-beams.
And when you balance tires, you only need one weight on each side. Beginners always put fifty weights all over the tire. Well it says 00 and that it are balanced!
If you drive American cars and trucks did you ever realize that 75% of Checkers stock is foreign? When did Japan ever build a V8, I better go to Napa.
I trashed a motor so bad, I couldn't save the dip stick.
Axial play-- In or out movement, which sounds very kinky to me.
Hit that at 90mph with the seat covers up your rear. The pucker factor was tremendous.
You see people stopped at an intersection too long when there are no cars around, come on there's nothing but air going by.
When I went to Auto School we had no tools. Our teacher showed us all of the tools, out of his catalog. I couldn't tell if he was a teacher or a tool salesman.
Then I went to school for motorcycle engines. Can't go wrong if your teacher is a biker!
The teacher at my Auto School pulls in to the parking lot with a car all rusted out. If I was a Transmission teacher I wouldn't even want to connect the two. I mean what you teach.
Crosswalk guards make pretty good money around $30,000 a year, so they can retire before they get run over.
On the way here I was cut off by this fat chick on foot. Then she called me a name and gave me the finger. Come on baby can't you use the crosswalk. How hard was it to make a crosswalk, just paint two lines side by side next to each other? I guess she was made because traffic wouldn't stop for her preciousness. Baby just because you are fat does that mean your legal to drive on the road, at least get some break lights on your rear end.
If it isn't a low rider I don't know how to fix it!
These newer trucks have a built in foot stool so you can work on the engine.
Have you seen the Toyotas where you have to have a passenger just to keep the car in balance?
If the Auto Store doesn't work there's a shoe store down the street.
Hit her with your truck, it will be ugly.
What's a diaphragm? Well if you blow air, from the outside it's bad.
If there are no lines on top of the bolt that bolt is designed to hold a license plate.
You can't run over people in Japanese cars. These Japanese guys just keep pulling forward. They try to run you out of the crosswalk. When the Japanese guy tried I stepped on his front bumper, the hood, and then the rear bumper and walk away.
Universal joints usually fit everything except what you're going to put it on.
I saw a Public Transit called Para Transit. What's that mean? Transport my parrot today. I wonder if I did have one could I get the driver to pull over for a cracker.
Public transport sucks like the Public Bus System. It's so hard to catch one they're always in the slums.
Never ask someone when they want the vehicle to shift. I want it to suck the windshield out when I hit second gear.
Always put bolts back where they came from. Not in a rag or not on the lift. Now you have bolts all over the floor. They must have been there. Oops I hope nobody saw me. It cracks me up when people mix all of the bolts all together. "I need four bolts that are all the same. Yes it fits. Oops we'll have to shim it. I need twelve lock washers, well just give me a seal-a-gasket."
We went up north and had a good time stuck in the river. Where did the fun come in? After you got it out, or drinking twelve coffees and wondering how to get it out.
Don't look at the U-joint and say that it's really thrashed. He won't know what you are talking about, "Okay, I'll check it out later."
Did you know when you are pulling a door open that you're actually pushing it open? Your fingers reach around and push it forwards. That's because there are only two forces in the universe which are gravity and magnetic force. My ex-girlfriend had a hard time understanding that one, "Come on pull, pull."
When you check a pressure switch, do you use an ohm meter and blow through it. I don't think so unless you can blow 40psi. If you can I know some people who will be interested in you.
A colt doesn't have enough rpm's to pull a wet noodle out of a bull's ass.
Brake light warranty, if you drive away and the brake lights come on. Warranty expired!
When you said change the grease, I didn't think you meant from car to car.
An improper term is the horn blows; the proper term is the horn sucks.
Is it true that the Earth's gravity really sucks?
To check the battery has a girl give you a kiss while holding on to the alligator clips and sees if she stops. If she stops you have pressure and voltage.
What's the purpose of the manual valve, or if you're south of the border, the man well valve?
My friend went mud bogging in his truck which had manual hubs. He tried to get the truck out with mud up past his waist. An alligator bit him in the ass. Where did the fun come in when he got stuck, after he swam back, drinking a case of bear figuring how to get out?
My muffler fell out; I picked it up, "Yes, it's broken."
A diagonal split brake system will stop your car if you can keep from jerking in to oncoming traffic. That will stop you real quick!
We wouldn't need the Death Penalty if car dealers would sell cars with owner's manual inside the glove compartment when you bought a new car.
Why speed and drive fast, how much time do I lose being twenty car lengths away from the next vehicle, one half of a second, "Oops, I'm late and the ski lifts are closed?"
There's a guy on a bike riding while splitting traffic by riding in the bike lane, although some drivers think, Can I throw my coke at him."
Driving down the road and get the finger while your girlfriend says, "He just gave you the finger, are you going to take that?" I say, "Yes what do you want me to do pull over so you can kick his butt and then I'll save my life, another girlfriend, that part is easy.
A bus driver was in an accident but didn't know until the other driver pulled him over and told him. However there were ten kids in the back of the bus holding their necks because their mom's told them, "Anytime you're in an accident hold your neck, to get a check."
If you drink too much your peripheral vision may be off, like in front of your face.
Alcohol dissipates faster in men. Men have more water in them. Women just think men are full of crap.
This guy gets pulled over for stopping at a stop sign. The cop says, "You didn't stop at the stop sign." The guy says, " But I slowed down it's the same thing in California." The cop says get out of the car and then the cop starts to beat him up saying, "Do you want me to stop or slow down.
Why is it that they don't bust kidnappers for child restraint laws?
Can Granny's be stopped for driving too slow?
The law states that if you're in the back seat, you don't have to buckle up. Like I want to kiss someone's ass in front during an impact?
There are at least 10,000 bicycle riders at ASU and each bike has been stolen 2x a week.
In Driver's Ed if you don't touch the stimulator you beat the stimulator. Most of the people who go to Driver's Ed just learn how to play video games.
Why do people drive with the newspaper or book on the steering wheel? I guess it's because they are good.
When you said it ran, I didn't think you meant ran out of gas.
While working at an Auto store a girl came to the counter and asked my friend what a vacuum stroke was. He said if you're down there sucking and it doesn't come up then there's a problem with your vacuum stroke.
The gear had a 45 degree face and a 46 degree seat; well you know when she sits on your face.
People who check gas leaks with a match are stupid; well I guess there are even people who jump out of planes with a rubber band or even parachute pants.
The Cadillac I had looked more like a home or office than a car. The dash board looked like furniture in a way. It was so big you could have a Christmas Party inside and never have to get out.
Some people are around whom someone thinks should have never been born, well that isn't no different than in Brazil where I hear they turn off their headlights.
There was this sign that said Japan Motors. Yes like I want to buy a motor that has less cc's than a chicks braw. And I even saw that transmission they first built. The small one called the Jap co, come on how can you move yourself down the road with something that can't pull rice out of a bowl of sushi. The motors you can't run them on soy sauce. What are these guys putting together a carpool? If I had to carpool with three short guys and have to sit in the middle I'd rather call a cab or wait for the bus. These cars are so small you can't even see the stop signs or street sign, they just keep moving forward. Look at motorcycles, all of them have Japanese names except for Harley Davidson. When do you see a short oriental hanging out with the Hell's Angels?
You can even look at the name Kawasaki; it sounds like a fat cow slurped someone down and then called the name of the bike a Kawasaki-- this cow can Kawasaki!
And after that you have the name Suzuki, sounds like someone ate sushi and went down wind-- Suzuki!
There was this one car that had an owner's manual that caused some lawsuits. It said if you stalled out have someone get behind you going 50mph which means to put your bumper behind theirs and push them so they can crank it up to 50mph. This one lady thought that it meant slam her at 50mph. That'll start it. That pucker effect was pretty bad!
Swift- Sure wishes I had a faster truck!
The End