Ambrose Bierce
covers book apart
“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
speak angry speech regret
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
quotation erroneously repeat word
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
lunatic analyze delusion philosopher
“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
cynic blackguard vision see thing ought to
“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
lottery tax people bad mathematics
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
corporation device profit responsibility
“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
education disclose disguise wise foolish understanding
“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
cogito cogito ergo sum certainty philosopher
“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
stupid christian help religion
“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
brain apparatus think
“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
philosophy route road nowhere nothing
“Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
lawyer skill circumvention law
“Lawyer – One skilled in the circumvention of the law.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
history false event unimportant ruler knave soldier fool
“History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
logic misunderstanding premise conclusion mathematics
“Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
politics strife interest masquerade contest principle
“Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
christian inconsistent life sin
“Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
war god way teach american geography
“War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
alliance politics thief hand pocket plunder
“Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
peace period cheat fight
“Peace: A period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
idiot powerful tribe dominste control
“Idiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
god future historian past alter know
“God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
telephone invention devil advantage distance person
“TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
nothing say said
“he had nothing to say and he said it”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
debt device chain whip slavedriver
“Debt is an ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. ”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
immigrant unenlightened person country better
“Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
civilization government intelligence office
“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
cogito cogito
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum—"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
habit shackle free
"Habit, n.: A shackle for the free."
― Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)