Original Date of Post: 05/18/2008
Narrator: You know, I could just give you a story about what happens during a snow day, but in order for that to happen, I would need to know what actually happens during a snow day. The last time I saw a snow day was…I think we had a democrat as president and not the one you’re thinking of. But hey, here’s a story of what can go on during a snow storm while you are at school.
DJ: Good morning everyone. Happy Friday to you all! Hey check out the clouds in the sky. Do you think we might get some snow today? Well I checked the forecast and it looks as though we’re not getting any kind of precipitation until this evening. So that’s just bad news for all of the kids out there who wanted a snow day. Maybe next time! (In the hallway before first period)
Marcus: It’s going to snow while we’re in school. I can feel it.
Marisa: You keep thinking that. You know all we get is a dusting and then it’s melted by the following morning.
Marcus: Ye of little faith! Do you not see those big-ass clouds up there? We’re going to get the mother of all huge snow storms. I can’t wait to go outside and play in the snow.
Ash: Oh who cares? We’re going to be in class all day while it’s a winter wonderland out there.
Misty: Damn, I was hoping for a snow day today. I have this test that I’m so not ready for and I could have used the extra couple of days to do some extra studying.
Ash: What? You have a test the week before final exams? What kind of dictator would allow that?
Misty: It’s a test today and a presentation on finals week. Plus the extra day could have done some good on poor Sakura.
Marisa: Uh-oh, is she twitchy and spazzy?
Misty: Worse. (Sakura walks up)
Sakura: Damn the weatherman. He should be run out of town with torches and pitchforks for being wrong and getting our hopes up.
Misty: She’s just extra bitchy.
Marisa: I say weathermen should be farmers or people with arthritis. See someone with arthritis hunched over and you know it’s going to rain or snow.
Tracey: I’ve been at this school for about three years and not once did we ever have a snow day.
Ash: Ah, snow days! Those are the best days of the year. Eh…Come to think of it, when was the last time it actually snowed on a school day?
Drew: I think the last time for us was back in Elementary school!
Ash: That long? Man, we are long overdue for one. (May walks by)
Drew: Good morning May.
May: Piss off! (She walks off)
Misty: What the hell did you do to her?
Drew: I don’t know! I don’t remember doing anything stupid. I don’t think I forgot anything important.
Ash: Maybe it’s that time of the month. What’s it called again? Oh yeah, PBS! (All groan)
Misty: (Thinking) So cute, yet so stupid. (In the front office)
Scott: Any chance of us leaving early today?
Oak: Don’t hold your breath.
Miss Agatha: What do you mean you can’t come in? (Over the phone)
Lt. Surge: My car will not start!
Miss Agatha: That’s the excuse you used last week so you could get out of the teachers meeting.
Lt. Surge: But I’m not lying.
Miss Agatha: Well we don’t have a substitute for your class! Get here A.S.A.P. Surge! (Hangs up) Okay, one of us will have to be the substitute for gym class until Lt. Surge shows up.
Oak: Oh no! First period is a class full of immature freshmen. I’m not going through with that again.
Scott: Me neither. Those brats do not show me any respect!
Miss Agatha: We’ll have to draw straws. Whoever gets the short straw is the substitute for gym class. (They pull straws) Okay Scott, you’ve got the short one. You’re substitute this morning.
Scott: Damn it. (Bell rings) Oh, this is going to suck. (Back in the hallway)
Sakura: Hey look at that, it’s starting to snow now.
Misty: Who cares? It won’t cancel school and now I have to take that stupid test.
Sakura: Good luck.
Misty: Thanks. I’ll need it. (Outside)
Marcus: IT’S SNOWING! IT’S SNOWING!
Marisa: It’s only a quick dusting. The clouds will pass and by noon today, it’ll be sunny again. It’s the same old song and dance.
Tracey: I don’t know. It really looks like this will last. (After first period)
Sakura: How was your test this morning?
Misty: Don’t ask.
Sakura: I’m sure you passed with flying colors. (Drew walks by) Hey Drew. Are you okay?
Drew: Not really. I just got my head bitten off by May.
Misty: Oh dear. What did you do this time?
Drew: What the…I didn’t do anything. Why do you automatically assume that I’m to blame in all of this?
Sakura: Sorry Drew. It’s just that it’s usually the man’s fault in the relationship. Or so I’m told! (During second period)
Marcus: So Drew. What did you do this time to make May so pissed off?
Drew: To be honest I don’t even know.
Tracey: But she has to have some reason for being so cranky.
Marcus: Did you forget your anniversary?
Tracey: No. Their anniversary was last month so it couldn’t be that.
Marcus: Do you think that she could be holding a few grudges from when we did Romeo and Juliet?
Drew: What do you mean?
Marcus: Oh, the cheering girls in the audience. (Flashback)
Erica: Oh Drew, you are so dreamy.
Whitney: Isn’t he? Sexiest man in tights!
Erica: You said it. (End of flashback)
Drew: I don’t think so. It’s been a couple of weeks since the play and May’s been okay with me since then. I must have said something recently to upset her.
Tracey: It happens Drew. Sometimes you say something stupid and your girlfriend ends up mad at you.
Drew: You’re right Tracey. I mean, I bet you’ve pulled a few boners with Marisa before.
Tracey: Well…no. I’ve actually been on Marisa’s good side and she’s never cussed me out. Marcus on the other hand doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut.
Marcus: Yeah, I’m the one she takes it out on. But dude, just give May some space. Maybe it isn’t even you she’s mad at. Maybe she’s just having some family issues at home.
Drew: Maybe. (After second period)
Tracey: I’ll be so happy once the semester is over.
Drew: I’m going go find May.
Marcus: LOOK! SNOW ON THE GROUND! (Runs outside) BANZAI!
Marisa: (Shouting) YOU FORGOT YOUR JACKET! Do I have to be his mother?
Zoey: Is he going to be okay?
Marisa: He’ll tire himself out eventually. (Nearby)
Drew: May, is everything okay. (Locker slams)
May: Just leave me alone Drew. I don’t feel like talking to you.
Drew: Is there something I can do?
May: YOU CAN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (She walks away)
Dawn: Do you think they might cancel school?
Zoey: If the snow keeps up like that, then yes. (Drew walks up) What happened to you?
Drew: Don’t ask. (The door opens)
Marcus: Oh my God! It’s a friggin’ blizzard out there!
Marisa: What? No way!
Marcus: Trust me. It’s a blizzard. I wouldn’t be coming inside looking like Frosty the Snowman if it weren’t.
Marisa: Hey, maybe we’ll get out of school early today. (In the front office)
Oak: We’re not canceling school Miss Agatha.
Miss Agatha: But I can barely see my car in the parking lot.
Oak: You’re exaggerating. (Scott walks in) What happened to you?
Scott: Those little brats pummeled me with dodge balls.
Oak: Sucks to be you.
Scott: Wow, it’s really bad out there.
Miss Agatha: Yeah. Hey Scott, I saw you driving to work today with your top down. Did you remember to put the top back on your car.
Scott: Excuse me for a second. (He runs out) OH CRAP! OH CRAP! OH CRAP!
Miss Agatha: Idiot! (Phone rings) Pallet High School front office, this is Miss Agatha speaking.
Lt. Surge: I finally got my car to work and I should be at the school soon.
Miss Agatha: Very good.
Lt. Surge: But is school going to be canceled? I mean, this snow storm is crazy.
Miss Agatha: Well Samuel is going to keep school in session for now. He says the snow will clear up soon.
Lt. Surge: That old guy is crazy if he thinks that this crap is going to be cleared up! The visibility sucks! (Hangs up) Okay, if I stay at this pace, I’ll be there by lunch time. (Car sputters) What the fuck?! Come on you fucking piece of shit! Start damn you! Great, stuck on the road in the middle of a snow storm and my car is dead. Well…still beats a weekend alone with the in-laws. (At lunch)
Marisa: It's really coming down now. They have to cancel the rest of classes. If not, then I think that Principal Oak took too many blows to the head.
Marcus: (Silently) Or too many blow jobs from Ms. Ketchum! (Snickering)
Ash: What was that?
Marcus: Oh…nothing! (Tracey walks up)
Tracey: Hey guys. So Marisa, what was it you wanted to tell me?
Marisa: Oh, right. I got word that Lt. Surge isn’t in and most likely won’t come in because of the snow storm. So you know what that means!
Tracey: The gym is free?
Marisa: You’ve got it. We’ll see you guys later! (They walk away)
Misty: What was that about?
Marcus: They’re going to the gym to make out. They do that whenever Lt. Surge isn’t there.
Ash: Very nice.
Misty: Hey where’s Brock?
Dawn: I think I have a clue. (Points to him) Comforting the girls of the school through the snow storm.
Zoey: He is such a pervert.
Brock: Let Brock ease the pain!
Erika: Get away from me you sicko!
Sarah: Please, go away Brock.
Grace: Don’t touch me!
Marina: Perv…Perv…PERVERT! (She lifts up a book)
Brock: NO NOT THE LATIN BOOK!
Drew: Poor Brock can’t catch a break.
Max: Hey Drew, what did you do to my sister?
Drew: What are you talking about?
Max: May’s been really moody lately and it’s all because of you. Ever since she met you, things have changed. And every time you two get into a fight, she always takes her anger and frustration out on me. Well I for one am sick of this. Whatever you did, make up with her right now.
Drew: Well so much for thinking that it was family issues affecting May’s behavior.
Max: Hey, our father might be away on business, but that's not why my sister is moody. It's because of you!
Drew: Max, mind your own business. You’re too young to know about relationships! (He gets up) I’m going now.
Max: You better be making up with May. (The lights go off) Huh? (Screaming)
Ash: The lights are off!
Marcus: WE’RE GONNA DIE!
Drew: Where’s Marisa so she can control your stupid-ass?
Misty: That’s a sign! We’re getting off early today! (In the gym)
Marisa: I love these make-out sessions. (They kiss)
Oak: (Over the P.A.) Attention students, since all of the lights are off in all of the classrooms, please report to the gym.
Marisa: Say what?
Oak: The gym is the only place that has working lights due to the back-up generator. So everyone report there. Class is canceled for the rest of the day. We have a snow plow in storage that will clear out the parking lot. I want you to stay in the gym until further notice.
Marisa: No fucking way!
Tracey: Oh come on, it shouldn’t be that bad. (The doors open) Well here comes everyone else.
Marisa: There goes our make-out session.
Marcus: Marisa, Tracey, there you guys are. Isn’t this great? We’re out of class!
Marisa: Thrilling. Marcus, I don’t think you should be too excited about this blizzard.
Marcus: They’ll get the plows working in no time and we’ll be out of here like that and enjoy the rest of our day of winter wonderland.
Narrator: Five minutes later.
Marcus: (Gasping) I’m not going to die! I’m not going to die! I’m not going to die! Oh God, the walls are closing in on me. Marisa, you’ve got to help me get out of here. Please little buddy, old pal of mine.
Marisa: Marcus, get a hold of yourself. Where’s your dignity?
Marcus: It died at Misty’s birthday party last year.
Marisa: Oh yeah, sorry I asked.
Tracey: Guess he has cabin fever. (Nearby)
Drew: Have you ladies seen May?
Dawn: Not me.
Zoey: Well, I did see her in one of the bathrooms about five minutes ago. I’m guessing that she caught something because she told us that she hasn’t been feeling well for the past few days.
Drew: Thanks Zoey.
Dawn: (Sighs) May must be one lucky girl to have such a sweet guy like that to care for her when she’s not feeling good.
Zoey: Drew’s the lucky one.
Dawn: Huh?
Forrest: Hi Miss Zoey. (Puts his hand around her) I know it can be scary, being in the school during a freak-blizzard, but I’m here to ease the pain. (She punches him in the gut)
Zoey: Get your hands off of me you mini-pervert! (Dawn and Zoey walk away)
Brock: Oh, you’ve got a lot to learn my young brother. (Nearby)
Erika: I hate having to be trapped here.
Grace: Yeah, I hope we get out of here soon.
Kelly: Never fear! In times of great crisis, we shall sing. Singing should help us try to forget our troubles.
Erika: Not now Kelly.
Kelly: (Singing) Oh, Grandma got run over by a reindeer…
Grace: Kelly, ANYTHING but that song.
Sakura: I guess some people can find some good with a situation that's as dire as this one.
Misty: What’s your way?
Sakura: Me, I study. Finals are next week and I’m taking advantage of this. You know you should do the same Misty.
Misty: I’ll pass. By the way, have you seen Ash anywhere?
Sakura: Last I saw of him, he was near the door with a bunch of packets of salt. Apparently he read somewhere that salt can dissolve snow.
Misty: I’m actually surprised he learned something in his science class. I guess he must have been awake for that lecture. (Near the door)
Ash: Okay guys get your salt packets ready.
Richie: Ash, I don’t think a couple of salt packets are going to dissolve all of the snow that surrounds the school.
Morrison: You better do something. If we don’t get out of this place soon, we might run out of food and then it might come down to an elimination of who gets eaten.
Richie: Don’t you think you’re resorting to cannibalism a little early?
Morrison: It’s survival! We all have to do what we can to survive. And if that means that some have to die so that others may live, so be it.
Richie: You’re being ridiculous. We’re not going to stay in here forever. Just until they plow the parking lot and clear it for safety.
Morrison: You better be right. In fact… (Starts imagining Richie as an ice cream cone)
Richie: Morrison? (Morrison starts licking his lips) Hurry up with those damn salt packets! (Outside a bathroom)
Drew: May are you in there? (Knocking)
Brianna: Hold your horses, I’m almost done. (She opens the door) Drew! My apologies for my rude behavior!
Drew: (Sighs) Have you seen May?
Brianna: It’s always about her. You talk about her like she’s your girlfriend!
Drew: That’s because she is my girlfriend.
Brianna: (Thinking) For now! (Aloud) For your information, I just talked to May and she said that she’s mad at you.
Drew: FOR WHAT?
Brianna: That I don’t know. She just seemed to be pretty steamed about something and it must involve you in some way. One second she was mad as hell and the next, she started crying.
Drew: Is she still in there?
Brianna: Not anymore.
Drew: Well thanks anyways.
Brianna: Drew, whatever it is you did, I’m sure that May will forgive you. The two of you have been through enough to stay together through anything. (Drew nods and walks away) I can’t believe I just said that. I must be coming down with something. (Two hours later on some road)
Lt. Surge: Damn it! I can’t get a tow-truck. I guess I’ll have to be the tow-truck. (Gets out and starts pushing the car) I have to make it to the school! (Back in front of the school)
Oak: Is it started yet?
Quackenpoker: No good.
Miss Agatha: What do you mean by that?
Quackenpoker: No good as in the machine is dead! When was the last time you used this?
Oak: Um…I’m pretty sure that Alf was still on the air. (All sigh) Hey look, we haven’t had to use this machine for a long time because we haven’t had a snow storm like this before.
Miss Agatha: Well we better hurry up and get this thing fixed. We can’t keep the students in the gym all day.
Quackenpoker: Hey give me a break! The only person who can handle this kind of machinery is Lt. Surge and he’s not here.
Miss Agatha: I’ll call him to see where he is! (Back on the road)
Lt. Surge: Of all the retarded things…I have to do to keep my job! (Reveille ring tone) Hello!
Miss Agatha: Lt. Surge, how far are you away from the school?
Lt. Surge: About a good fifteen minute walk from here!
Miss Agatha: Well hurry up. The snow plow that we had in storage is dead and you are the only one we know who can fix it.
Lt. Surge: Who told you that lie? I can’t even fix my own car!
Miss Agatha: Just get over here and do it! (Back in the gym)
Tracey: At least he’s sleeping now.
Marisa: I suppose. It is better than having him screaming, "We’re going to die" over and over.
Dawn: Oh man. It’s been two hours since we’ve been in this gym. When the hell are they going to get us out of here?
Marisa: Soon I hope.
Marcus: Where are we?
Marisa: We are still in a gym with the whole school. (Marcus closes his eyes)
Tracey: It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from anybody.
Marisa: Principal Oak said that it’s still pretty bad outside. Apparently the snow plow they have isn’t working, so they’re going to try and fix it.
Dawn: Well that sucks!
Marisa: (Sighs) This is just perfect! We’re stuck in a gym with a bunch of people and not enough exits. What else could go wrong? (Lights go off) Oh, fuck me!
Marcus: WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!! (Everybody screams)
Tracey: No one is going to die.
Marcus: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
Kelly: Oh God! Oh God! (Whimpering) Where’s my flashlight? For the love of God, where is my flashlight. (Hyperventilating)
Grace: Are you okay?
Kelly: No I’m not. I’m afraid of the dark!
Grace: I kind of had a feeling when you screamed right in my ear both times the lights went out.
Kelly: Well now you know the truth. I’m 18 years old and I’m afraid of the dark. I sleep with a nightlight for Christ sake! I’m not equipped for the dark. And now you know my deep dark secret!
Grace: Well if you want us to be even, I guess it won’t kill me to let you know something before we die. I’ve always thought that Brock was…kind of…sort of…cute.
Kelly: Ah! My flashlight! (Turns it on) My savior!
Marisa: Oh man, this is turning into anarchy.
Marcus: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! KISS YOUR LOVED ONES GOODBYE!
Zoey: Oh, what the hell! (Grabs Dawn and kisses her on the lips)
Forrest: Whoa. (James screams)
James: What the hell, man? Harley, why did you just kiss me? Aren’t you still dating Tucker?
Harley: Oh that Tucker is away at college and I don’t know when I’ll see him again. But let’s not beat around the bush James. I know that you’ve been hiding in the closet for years.
James: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
Harley: It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it’s just you and me now.
James: (Shouting) I’M NOT GAY! I’M NOT GAY! I’M STRAIGHT! Where’s Jessie? JESSIE! (Nearby)
Drew: (Sighs) I’ve searched this damn gym up and down and still no sign of May! I wonder where she could be. (Hears crying from one of the bathrooms) Huh? I recognize that voice. (Knocks) May, is that you?
May: Drew? (She opens the door)
Drew: There you are.
May: Oh Drew…YOU JERK!
Drew: What the hell is your problem? I’ve been searching for you all day. And when I wasn't looking for you I was wondering what I did to irritate you! And now that I’ve found you, you’re calling me names for no reason. What did I do May? Just tell me what is wrong with you.
May: Does this sound familiar to you? “Nothing is going to happen. I brought protection so you have nothing to worry about.”
Drew: I’m not following you!
May: I’m pregnant!
Drew: …Whoa, okay…I must have blacked out for a second. Did you just say that you were pregnant?
May: Do you need me to draw you a diagram? Yes I’m pregnant! I’m having a baby, I’m knocked up, I’m with child, I have a bun in the oven! Do you need me to go on?
Drew: Not so loud. You don’t want anyone to know yet!
May: Well I’m mad. And when I’m mad, I yell!
Drew: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!
Narrator: Let’s freeze for a second! A couple of weeks ago, there was a Cast Party for the cast and crew of Romeo and Juliet at Erika’s house. This party was to celebrate a job well done on their play. May and Drew on the other hand decided to have a celebration of their own in Erika’s closet. And for the record Drew did wear a condom. But the condom broke during intercourse and Drew’s little soldiers marched right into May’s yoo-hoo. We now return you to the story already in progress.
Drew: Are you sure that you are…?
May: I took three tests and they all say that I am. This is the worst possible thing that could happen! I’m going to have some big bulge when I walk down the aisle to get my diploma. And I can just say goodbye to college right now. The whole school will think I’m a whore and my family will disown me when they find out. (Cries) And now, you’ll probably abandon me. (Drew puts his hand on May’s shoulder)
Drew: You obviously don’t know me too well! You should know by now that I don’t back away from any duty or obligation that I have to do. And you should also know that I love you so much. Mark my words, I will not abandon you. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to be by your side. I love you, May.
May: Oh Drew! (She cries on him) I love you too! (Snow plow revs up)
Drew: What was that? (Outside the bathroom)
Marisa: It’s the snow plow! They’ve got it working! We’ll be out of here soon!
Tracey: Thank you God! Marcus, did you hear that? We’re going to live!
Marcus: Is that you Mommy? (The lights come on)
Tracey: The lights are back on!
Brock: Wow, two miracles in a row? I wish for a girlfriend!
Marisa: Yeah, keep wishing, you lecher!
Misty: What a relief!
Sakura: Hooray! We’re not going to die in this rat-trap!
Marisa: Marcus! We’re going to live! (Shakes him)
Marcus: You mean we’re not really going to die?
Tracey: No. We weren’t going to die and you shouldn’t have screamed out we were.
Marcus: Oh. Well I’m glad no one believed me. (Screaming)
Jessie: Hey Boy George, what the hell were you thinking kissing my James like that? (Shakes Harley) I ought to rearrange some of those teeth!
Brock: So Grace…you think I’m cute huh?
Grace: My life is OVER!
Erika: You sleep with a nightlight?
Kelly: Erika, either you shut up about my little nighttime problem, or I’m going to tell everyone your first name is really Hortence.
Erika: You win this time.
Dawn: What was with the kiss?
Zoey: Oh um, it was just that, uh, I’ve always wanted to kiss a girl. You know, there are just those things a gal gets curious about. Plus with all of the anarchy that was going on I guess I just got caught up in the moment.
Dawn: Okay. (Zoey sighs and walks away) That was weird. Fun, but weird! (Principal Oak opens the door)
Oak: Attention students, the snow plow is finally up and running. The parking lot will soon be cleared. As it looks like we have a bit of a break in the storm, I want you students who are able to drive to take caution when leaving. Everyone else, there are buses ready to take you home. (All of the students run out of the gym) CALMLY! CALMLY! (Lt. Surge walks up)
Lt. Surge: What the hell is this?
Oak: Oh, you’ve come at last. Well don’t worry about it. We’ve got the snow plow up and running and now class is canceled for the day. (His jaw drops)
Lt. Surge: MOTHER FUCKING FUCK! SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING FUCK, FUCK!
Oak: Not so loud, Lieutenant! (Indistinct cussing)
Marisa: Wow, some of those words he's using are ones I don't even use!
Tracey: Do you think he’ll get fired for saying that?
Marisa: Nah, he didn't say the big three!
Morrison: WE’RE FREE!
Richie: I’M NOT GOING TO BE EATEN!
Morrison: Oh yeah. (Pulls hair out of his mouth) Here’s some of your hair back. It started to look like a drumstick from KFC.
Richie: (Sarcastic) Gee, thanks.
Ash: You got off easy Richie. Fat-ass over there decided to nibble on my shoulder.
Morrison: Hey is it my fault that it started to look like a scoop of ice cream?
Marcus: (Singing) Amazing Grace…
Tracey: Is he always like this?
Marisa: I’m afraid so. (Back in the bathroom)
Drew: There’s just so many things racing through my head right now.
May: I know the feeling. (She hugs him) I’m so glad that you’re really going to stay with me. (They walk out of the bathroom)
Drew: Now just remember. The school has this strict rule about this sort of thing. If they find out, you won’t get to graduate with the rest of us. So remember, you can’t tell anybody about this.
May: Right. Hopefully no one will notice by the time graduation comes along.
Drew: And I’m just glad that Erika didn’t find out about… (Erika glares at him) Erika, hi there, how are you doing?
Erika: YOU TWO HAD SEX IN MY CLOSET?!
May: How did you find out about that?
Erika: That annoying Narrator voice!
Narrator: Whoops, that’s my cue to get the hell out of here! Tune in next time.
~*Preview*~
Harley: It's the worst thing that could possibly happen to this school! In the next chapter, we the students must endure...SCHOOL UNIFORMS! Oh, the humanity of it all! Well I won't stand for it and I won't take this lying down! Lying down on a pool table while Tucker...Oops, out of time! Next time on Romance 101, Chapter 40...See you next time!
Song(s) used:
*Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer