The real, unequivocal end is here.

Harmon the Harmonica

DLC

God has a cruel sense of humor. He wrote this bible then made us pay for the bonus chapters. Please donate to our patreon because we are now broke. These are chapters that didn't fit in with the others and are bonuses. They include prequels and even a few sequels. Enjoy!

(note, none of these are in canonical order with each other, only with the main gospel itself. If you've read that, reading these in any order will make sense unless stated otherwise)

((these are also not in order for when they will release, they will be worked on depending on which one I want to work on.))

Prequel: Lenhart's Divide

This story takes place before the main Gospel's story.... Obviously.

Nearly a thousand years before the great ginger war, in a small hut in Big Ham village lived a mathematician. His name? Lenharticus, the great sage of quadratics. Born and raised in Big Ham village, many people he knew only knew how to live simply. He was judged and outcasted for thinking such complex thoughts as; "There may be more numbers than 1-100" or "Calculus is a fun subject". He had always dreamed of moving to Smogden or No Lake City, but as an underpaid mathematician, he couldn't afford the former and could definitely not afford the latter. So he sat, living in his small hut in a tiny dead-end village in the middle of nowhere. He cast spells of math that would be considered extraordinary in a city that cared for magic, which unfortunately his village did not. He was already a few centuries on in years and feared his life may go nowhere if he was forever trapped in Big Ham village. He had to get out.

One day, a mysterious passing traveler was taking refuge in Big Ham village before he would continue south to Smogden. This traveler heard mysterious math-like noises from inside Lenharticus' hut, and it piqued his interest. The mystery man knocked on the door and was greeted by some of the most sophisticated math equations he had ever seen as soon as Lenharticus opened the door. They spilled out with wisps and sparkles, filling the village with whimsical graphs and wonderous logarithms. The traveler said no words, only applauding Lenharticus' performance. This was the first positive reinforcement he had received in decades, and this was just the math he did daily. It was barely a fraction of his power.

The traveler made Lenharticus an offer. He could personally escort him to Smogden if Lenharticus taught him how to do such mathematically genius things. Lenharticus loved to teach others. It was a dream of his to become a math wizard who could educate the unenlightened mathless masses. Lenharticus agreed with the stranger, and they made off for Smogden. Soon into the journey to Smogden, the two had realized they knew next to nothing about one another. The traveler revealed his name and face. He was called Master Macfarlands, and he was a roving trader.

When they had reached Smogden, Master Macfarlands invited Lenharticus into his household. Macfarlands revealed that he was an ex-wizard, not in the math field but in the brimstone and chaos field. Despite its evil connotations, Macfarlands had actually served as an enemy to the gingers in their first excursion. He showed Lenharticus some of the spells he knew, demonstrating great skill and technique in his field. He, however, wished to learn math spells to disassociate with the more sinister side of brimstone wizardry.

Macfarlands told Lenharticus of a great treasure, one inside of a cave near to Smogden. It could only be accessed with the most powerful math spells of an ancient mathematician. Macfarlands believed that Lenharticus' math spells could break the seal on the cave and allow the two entry.

The two took the long hike to the cave, although both were very weary about this. Macfarlands had expected far more danger to be afoot on the route to the cave, but there had been barely any. He informed Lenharticus to keep watch, as the ancient scriptures depicting this cave also warned of a powerful abomination, a Wendigo that hid out in the cavernous mountainside and prayed on hikers and gold alike. Wendigos were known to be resistant to magic, although not invulnerable, it'd still cause the two a major issue were they to wake it up. Unfortunately, they already had.

Lenhart's Divide: Chapter 2

The horrific creature emerged from the forest, ready to cause an incident. Lenharticus and Macfarlands took shelter in a nearby cave, acutely aware of the approaching danger. Macfarlands had powerful brimstone spells, but he did not believe them to be good enough to take out one whole wendigo. The two would have to work together, and Lenharticus would need to prove his worth. Macfarlands attacked first, shooting brimstone fireballs at the creature. This dealt very little damage, and served as a distraction for the true power.

Lenharticus could barely get a shot in on the beast's weak point, with it dodging and weaving all around. Soon the creature approached him, throwing him to the floor as if he were a sack of potatoes. Lenharticus shot off a quadratic spell right into the horrible being's eyes, stunning it temporarily as he limped to a safer distance. Macfarlands saw this, and continued pelting the beast with spells to draw its attention. it turned rapidly, running towards the wizard. Macfarlands shot off one more brimstone fireball before being kicked in the head, which knocked him unconscious entirely. Lenharticus watched as the creature approached his mentor's immobile body, and knew what he had to do. The treasure could wait, for he had a spell that could nullify the wendigo's weakpoint entirely.

This spell was known as The Continuum Hypothesis, an equation thought to be entirely unsolvable without immense energy. Lenharticus knew that the effects of him using this much of his power would be dire, but he had to save his friend. He began solving the equation in his head, using every ounce of brain power. A large ball of light grew from his staff, its power immense and flaring. His eyes turned pure white with beams of power shooting out of them, the power charring his staff to a crisp and knocking his hat off. He could feel the pain, as if he were being torn in two, and his being showed that as well, but he kept going until finally, It was within his reach. The equation was solved. He fell to the floor as the ball of energy careened towards the beast.

Neither Macfarlands or Lenharticus anticipated the power of the Wendigo, with even technology such as the God Given American Musket not being able to take one out, but this was something different. As the ball hit the beast, it liquified it instantly, exploding the blue blood of the horrific creature all over the forest, its scream of pain being heard throughout the entire valley. Lenharticus lay there, his power nearly entirely drained. He could barely walk, but he mustered his strength to walk over to where Macfarlands was knocked out. He felt oddly happy, as if his anger had been taken away from him. Once Macfarlands had awoke, the two realized that neither of them had the power to get into the treasure room inside this cave according to the scriptures, with their injuries being grievous, they needed to get to a hospital immediately. It was revealed to Lenharticus that it would take centuries for his power to return, and for Macfarlands, his wounds would prevent him from journeying like this again, hence he retired from it as a whole. All seemed well after the wendigo was destroyed, but now there was a new fiend terrorizing the forest hikers. A far stinkier one.

The End.

Prequel: The Forging

This story takes place before the main Gospel's story.... Obviously.

Ben Jamin File Photo

A few thousand years before the great ginger war, there existed a valiant warrior who, with his sheer overwhelming power, punched a tree several thousand times turning all but one section of it to dust. Despite being quite "Special" in his mannerisms, people could not deny that he was very powerful. He was only missing one little thing, a weapon in which to channel that power. This warrior was, of course, the powerful Ben Jamin. By this point he was strong, but nowhere near his strength in the First Ginger War or Great Ginger War. He was without the thing that made him whole: The Silencer. Ben had punched this tree down not for fun, but for a certain piece of wood from which he could forge a weapon worthy of him.

This tree was the last of its kind, meaning Ben had just single-handedly (quite literally) made an entire species go extinct. Nice job! The tree was made of Crimson Wood, planted by the Ginger Lord himself. It was too sturdy to be destroyed with standard tools, but Ben Jamin is not a standard tool. He's Ben Jamin, and he's angry. The gingers had recently begun an incursion that would lead to the first Ginger War, and in this they had stolen Ben's signature crocs. With this Crimson Wood, he wood (get it) be able to create the base of one grand weapon.

Ben lugged this log around through the Great Salt Lakebed for hours underneath the scorching sun. This was turning him more red than his anger at Badminton ever could. He had a very specific reason to be there, looking for an ever-powerful artifact that would, with the right blacksmith, forge with the crimson wood log and create a weapon most powerful, one that could challenge even Harmon's great shusher. He was looking for one singular cabinet handle. Not a normal cabinet handle, however, this one was special. It was forged by Harmon's carpetners for his kitchen, but disposed when Harmon decided that the colors didn't match and was so angry he threw it down onto the lakebed. More than likely, it was buried beneath layers of salt. Ben had remembered to bring his metal detector, luckily.

After hours underneath the hot salty sun, Ben Jamin's metal detector went off for the hundredth time. He had mostly found coins or valuable thousand dollar rings, which he promptly threw away because nobody needs that junk, there's a cabinet handle to be found. And find it he did, after digging quite a few holes, he had finally located the powerful cabinet handle. It was glowing a dim red, and its power could be felt from at least 20 centimeters away.

The Forging: Chapter 2

Now that Ben Jamin had both pieces to his grand weapon, he would need to take them to an expert blacksmith in Smogden. Luckily, he knew exactly who to find. He was going to take these pieces to The Monkey. Ben had a very storied history with The Monkey. They've known each other a long time. The only issue is that the last time they had met each other was centuries ago, and Ben had missed The Monkey's birthday party.

The Monkey's Domain was up the Smogden Canyon, with a long hike to it. Ben knew that he would have to smooth things over with The Monkey before being able to forge his weapon. Missing a birthday party is a sin in the 10 Harmon Sins Book. After several hours trekking through the salt flats and one very depressing bus ride on the gray line, he had reached the mouth of the canyon. Now, a dangerous hike to the top of Mount Smogden would ensue. He followed a trail to as far to the top as he could, annihilating rattlesnakes and wiping out several species of scorpion with his big log. Upon reaching the end of the trail, he had to rock climb up the rest. There was just one small issue.....

Donkey Kong, whom was very close family to The Monkey, was waiting atop the mountain on guard duty. He was tasked with throwing barrels down at anyone who tried to infiltrate the Ape Camp atop Mount Smogden. Ben is very far from stealthy, he might as well be a disco ball, and D.K. noticed him immediately. He began throwing barrels down onto Ben as he climbed, knocking him down a few pegs with every hit. Ben realized that in order to outsmart the ape, he'd have to think a little bit smarter than an ape, which was quite hard for him. He began to use his log to annihilate each barrel thrown down at him, climbing up the rocks and finally reaching the top, where Donkey Kong attempted to toss him off. Ben slammed Donkey Kong on the back of the head with the log, causing him to tumble off the mountain and literally explode. Ben realized pretty soon after that The Monkey may not be happy about his brother being slain, but it didn't matter so long as he never found out.

Ben Jamin approached The Monkey with caution, knowing that The Monkey could act very impulsively. The Monkey turned to see who the visitor was, before its face turned to that of an angry bored ape NFT. The Monkey demanded that Ben left immediately, but to his shock, Ben did not forget his birthday party, he had a gift ready! It was a bunch of bananas. The Monkey's scowl turned to pure joy and cheerful dancing. After a few hours of watching The Monkey do a really stupid looking jig, Ben finally asked The Monkey for a favor. Ben explained to The Monkey that the gingers were leaking out of their cave and into Smogden and other surrounding cities. The Monkey was shocked, but didn't yet know what this had to do with Ben's favor. That was until Ben showed him the artifacts.

The Monkey was shocked. He had never before been requested to forge a weapon of such power, and his nerves were at an all time high, which doesn't bode well for a banana'd-up ape. If he messed up fusing these artifacts, the power could cause them to explode and kill Ben, The Monkey, and every other ape on the top of Mount Smogden. It'd be as if the mountain erupted. The Monkey swung his hammer on his wood anvil, hammering the nails in very carefully. One mistake would mean the end of him. Sweat poured down his face, even though monkeys physically cannot sweat. With one final hammer strike, a flash of light occurred from the anvil. The Monkey thought he was dead, but he was wrong, the artifacts had fused perfectly, and the new weapon was glowing a bright purple. The Silencer was born.

The End.

Sequel: Breaking Bad

This story takes place after the main Gospel's story.... Obviously.

After the Great Ginger War and the disbanding of the Three Scholars with the capture & containment of Edwardsious, Cormackica was at a point where he was lost in life. Lenharticus had already moved on to be a Math Wizard, living in a fancy tower and conjuring spells of math, this was a path Cormackica did not wish to follow. He has always been a scientific mind, not one of magic or any other bogus garbage that happened during the Great Ginger War. Despite seeing magic himself, he still believes that SCIENCE! reigns true as the overlord of all that is holy and unholy.

Science jobs were dwindling as more and more people were becoming wizards rather than scientists. More people wanted to abra kadabra than e=mc^(2). You may think that, in this economy, that'd make science jobs easier to find, but lo, most scientist jobs had been replaced, stolen by those dirty wizards. Cormackica had a family to feed but no income to do it with. He crossed all of his options, before realizing that there was one thing no wizard could do. Cook Crystal........ Not Crystal Meth, that was a drug that was so 2008. The drug everyone was after now was known as Crystal Math, but really was just a bunch of different chemicals and equations nobody cares about coming together to make a substance similar to the surface of grating worksheet paper. Despite being the equivalent to injecting smartness into your veins, it was very popular among people who don't like to inject smartness into their veins. It was pricey as well, especially for a pure quality bundle.

Cormackica knew that many of today's hip gangsters could not make a batch of high quality Math, but he, with his scientific notations and orbital periods, most certainly could. Crystal Math was illegal in most places, because, unlike normal math, it was a drug that could get people hooked. He already had the equipment to begin cooking, all he needed was a place to do it.

Deep in the Desert of Deseret, nearing the Arid Zone border, Cormackica found the perfect location to cook up some quadratic tier crystal math. Earlier that same day, he had purchased the perfect vehicle to cook in as well; a Honda Civic. He drove it out to the desert and parked it a few miles off the main highway. He pulled out the ingrediants he needed. Crystal Iodium, Crimsonite, Math Worksheets, and Quadratic Ore. Most of the street-grade producers did not have access to the equipment or skill Cormackica had, but even more importantly, they did not have access to Quadratic Ore.

Quadratic Ore was a valuable resource that only the best scientific minds had access to, and Cormackica was one of the best scientific minds. This meant that he could cook the highest tier of Crystal Math, quadratic tier. The DIB, Drug Investigation Beaurau, had many patrols out in this desert. They went after anyone cooking Math, but cooking Quadratic Crystal Math would get you far more time than street grade. Even just getting caught with quadratic ore could lead to issues. Cormackica was far off the highway, but it still could prove to be problematic if they see the smoke produced by creating Math. He had to be as careful as possible. Little did he know, the DIB was the last thing he had to worry about out here.

Breaking Bad: Chapter 2

Cormackica kept close communications with Lenharticus, despite them no longer working together. They were still very good friends. Cormackica worried less about jail time from the DIB and more about letting his pals & family down. What he feared the most, however, was vanishing without a trace with none of them ever knowing. Then, in the distance, he saw a vehicle. It was the sweetest ride he had ever seen. It had hydraulics in it, a sweet coat of orange, and whoever was driving it was whipping it so hard it'd make a lincoln driver have a heart attack and die. Cormackica thought little of it as it approached, it wasn't a DIB vehicle and was probably just some hooligan going for a fun ride in the middle of nowhere. As the car began drifting its way towards him, however, he would soon get a taste of reality.

The car screeched to a stop right next to Cormackica's math site. The inside was completely fogged up and Cormackica could not see who was inside. The door opened and a cloud of smoke came rushing out. He had never met the person in the car before, but she seemed to know a lot about him. He was a celebrity for his assistance in saving the world, after all. The woman greeted Cormackica, her name was Dacius. She did not know that the car she had followed out to the desert contained one of the Scholars, but she knew that this would be perfect. She was a mind of science, being able to cook a high grade of Crystal Math herself, Biosphere Tier. But she wanted to go a step further. She wanted to make Quadratic tier. Dacius realized that if anyone had Quadratic Ore, it would be Cormackica. Dacius was a professional in this industry, she knew what Cormackica was doing the moment she saw smoke rising from the Honda Civic. Dacius offered to serve as a "protectorate force" for Cormackica. She had an entire plan formatted on how to scam and scheme Cormackica out of his Quadratic Ore, and if push came to shove, his life. She was no dummy, she knew he had fighting prowess from taking on one of the balance gods, even if he was nearly killed.

Cormackica was weary about this traveller, but he knew that no scientist worth their salt would ever betray another. Little did he know, Dacius preferred pepper. While he was cooking his Math, Dacius sneakily pulled out a Swordfish Shank, prepared to threaten an unarmed Cormackica with it. Upon turning, he was greeted to this very silly looking weapon. Despite how funny it may have looked, Dacius was not laughing. Neither was the fish. Dacius demanded that he handed over his quadratic ore, 'ore' else she would stab him with the swordfish and leave him in a ditch in the desert, a way nobody else has died before because it's ridiculous.

Dacius did not know it, but Cormackica was far from completely unarmed. For a brief week-long stint after the dissolution of the Scholar Group, Cormackica had invented multiple illegal weapons for wholesale. This had proven too difficult to keep up with, hence his swap to making Crystal Math. He had saved one of his weapons just in case he had to use it, a Physics Phaseblade. It was an electric sword powered by quantum numbers and speed of light equations. He told Dacius that he simply had to go and grab the quadratic ore from the front seat, but she was not buying it. She went to go grab it herself, not noticing the giant red laser sword somehow and grabbing the ore. As she was storing it in her sick ride, Cormackica had the opportunity to grab the sword, which he took. He pulled out the sword and electrified it with his quick-witted physics problem solving skills, and before Dacius had even noticed he had already cut her entire car in half. She was very angry, as that car had cost her entire life savings. She channeled her rage into her Swordfish, and the two began to brawl.

Cormackica almost instantly annihilated Dacius' swordfish. She hadn't the experience nor the weaponry to take on someone who has assisted in killing GOD. The bones of the swordfish were sprawled onto the desert floor, and now it definitely wasn't laughing. Dacius had a plan B, a water jetpack with which she could escape with the quadratic ore now that her ride was totaled. She pressed a big red button on her Nokia Flip Phone and the jetpack deployed. She began to take off with her ore, prepared to fly away, but unfortunately for her, water is finite. The jetpack nearly immediately failed and she fell to the ground. All that she had done was made her situation worse, as a DIB stakeout that was watching the her car had spotted her & Cormackica's spat from how loud water is echoing through the desert.

The sirens wailed through the desert as the DIB cars drifted through the sand towards the cook site. Cormackica could not go to prison, he would be stricken from the scientific community and hated by his friends. Most importantly, however, Smogden prisons are full of wizards who are racist against scientists. He would probably be relentlessly called foureyes by those dirty wizards, and he could not allow that. Cormackica swiped the jetpack from Dacius like pulling a tablecloth from beneath dishes. His mind of science allowed him to jerry rig the very convenient quantum energy field in his trunk to it very quickly, allowing him to create a jetpack that, if it failed, would create a black hole and kill everyone. He kicked the crappy bucket of bolts once before being shot hundreds of feet in the air by it. Dacius looked on with envy, knowing that her lame water jetpack wasn't nearly as cool as a thermonuclear quantumly powered hyper jetpack. The DIB surrounded her in their cars, before arresting her for producing Crystal Math. Cormackica had, for now anyways, escaped. He would go on to fuel an underground Math ring, making him one of the largest drug kingpins in the world, but that is a story for another time...

THE END.

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