The real, unequivocal end is here.

2023 News Archive

This is where all news from 2023 is.

The twilight era of Boomer News as we know it.

Pictured: Vsauce Michael celebrating New Years

Boomer News 1/2/23

Welcome back to Boomer News, and happy new year! It is now 2023, and the march of time to our inevitable demise is eternal and unending. Mariah Carrey has been contained and her reign has ended. Next year, the military will be on higher alert. An incident like this cannot happen again. In other news, John F. Kennedy has reported that Santa gave him coal for christmas. This angered him so much that he went on a drive in an open-topped car, and has not been heard from since. Police are searching for Santa as we speak for breaking and entering. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 1/23/23

Welcome back to Boomer News, the most consistently inconsistent news source in on the whole Earth. January is a typically slow month, being commonly considered the "Monday" of the year, but news is finally picking up. The Harmon Flu is spreading throughout Boomerland. Many speculate it started from Harmon enjoying a 4 month out of date Egg Salad, his favorite passtime. No fatalities have been reported, but the old people are needing to put more pills in their organizer to fight this. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 1/24/23

Welcome back to Boomer News, the first news source to be daily bi-monthly per 2 weeks. The Harmon Election Polls have opened, and the results right now are Testosterone Tony, the late entry candidate, in first place. In second is the underdog, Gaden Nerdahl, in third the hill giant Gavin Ransom, and in fourth the famously scary Dreadwards. Tied for last with 0 votes are Blarmon and Hayden Reese. The winner of this election will go on to be the Vice President of Boomerland, so make sure to vote! That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 1/25/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! Today's news and poll numbers will be separated into different sections, so stay tuned for the current poll numbers. In today's news, a rally in Boomerland after seeing that Gavin Ransom, the Harmon-endorsed candidate, wasn't winning tried to march on the capitol. Many old people were wounded from the long staircase up to the presidential palace, and the few that made it were apprehended. Onto the poll numbers

POLL News 1/25/23

Today's polls are as follows: Anthony is still in the lead but Gaden is trailing him by two votes. In third place is Gavin Ransom, fourth place Dreadwards and in fifth Hayden Reese. Blarmon is still in dead last like a loser! That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 1/30/23

Welcome to the end-of-the-month edition of Boomer News! This month has been heated, with the Vice-Presidential election raging on and multiple rallies due to the poll numbers. Photos from the last rally have made it onto social media, showing that old people did make it into the palace and took photos nearby the sites within it. Harmon himself was in the palace at the time, and a few old people even got a selfie with him. Onto the poll news now!

POLL News 1/30/23

We have some big poll news this time around. Anthony is still in the lead but Gavin Ransom is rapidly gaining ground and has surpassed Gaden as the second-place candidate! Dreadwards and Hayden are battling it out for not having second-to-last place, with our bets on Dreadwards. That is all for the poll news today

Boomer News 1/31/23

Welcome to the actual end-of-the-month edition of Boomer News. We are not used to doing this almost daily. And we thought January ended on the 30th. The strikes lately have begun to calm down significantly, as Gavin has been racing ahead in the polls. The stragglers have all been put in the Harmon Harbor Penitentiary and will be released once they pay bail of 50 hard candies. In other news, after a voting scandal involving fraud, Hayden Reese, the second-to-last place sore loser candidate, has been disqualified from the running! That's all for the normal news, onto the polls!

POLL News 1/31/23

Here we are: what really matters. As stated, Hayden has been disqualified from the running due to fradulent votes being counted for him. What a loser! Gavin and Gaden are now tied second-place and are both only one vote from being tied with Anthony. Blarmon has also finally recieved his first vote, but due to Hayden's disquaification he's still in last.

POLL News 2/3/23

In today's poll news, quite a big development has occurred. Gavin Ransom has tied with Testosterone Tony, bringing the polls to a two-way tie. Should this tie not be resolved by the closure of the polls, a sudden death round will begin. Gaden Nerdahl is still in second followed by Dreadwards and in dead last, Blarmon.

Boomer News 2/3/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! In today's news, Typhurricyclone season is approaching Boomerland rapidly. The floods earlier in the school year may be an omen that this year's season may be by far the wettest and most destructive. Citizens are encouraged to be on alert for any storms that approach Boomerland, especially the Typhurricyclones. THC Kyle is approaching Boomerland, but hasn't strengthened enough to be of much concern just yet. Onto the poll news for today!

Boomer Poll News 2/7/23

Welcome back to Boomer News, minus the Boomer News. there is no actual news today, only polls. I love poll news. In today's poll news, Gavin Ransom has pulled ahead of Tony, cementing him in first place and Tony in second. Gavin is winning by one vote, meaning the tides could turn. Gaden has fallen behind substantially as he hasn't received a vote in a while. That is all for the news today.

Boomer News 2/24/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. With Gavin Ransom now being the vice president, his first bill has been signed into order. Any unpushed soft spots must be pushed at any local pushing station, which now exist all around Boomerland. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/15/23

Welcome back to our Wednesday edition of Boomer News. In today's Boomer News, Gavin Ransom is facing his first major challenge as the vice-president of Boomerland: the major flooding from this season's typhurricyclone season. THC Benedict recently impacted the western side of Boomerland causing flooding in Senile Sound, the lake on which Oldesville, a city with nearly 91 thousand boomers living in it, resides. This caused the city's streets to fill with rushing water too powerful for old people's knees to handle. VP Ransom's interview address to the citizens can be found here. All this comes, of course, just a few months after the flooding of Boom Beach, from which the waters have yet to recede as well. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/8/23

Welcome to a special edition of Boomer News, the source that can be anything except consistent. Today is March 8th, and despite this year being relatively slow in terms of news aside from the election, it's actually a very important year. On every year ending with 3, Harmon's favorite number, the Harmon Ritual is performed all around Boomerland. It's absolutely not cult-like and is in no way an ego trip whatsoever. In other news, Harmon the Harmonica, the website of all time, will be 3 years old tomorrow. It will soon be attending pre-school then kindergarten and oh goodness next thing you know it'll be driving and having a job. They grow up so fast. That is all for this emotional edition of Boomer News.

Boomer News 3/17/23

Welcome to a breaking edition of Boomer News. Typhurricyclone Schwimmer has impacted the eastern coast of Boomerland, and the flood damage is far greater than any previous floods. Boom Bay has flowed further inland and the island Triassic Town is on, La Isla Triasica, is nearly completely underwater. Triassic Town has been entirely evacuated and the damage in the city is immense. Evacuating a city of nearly 100 thousand old folks was tough, but it was handled by the Protection Of Old People (POOP) force. The government has called upon war plan delta and declared war on the ocean. BadLandsChugs has been hired, and is currently attempting to chug the ocean out of La Isla Triasica. Other low-laying areas of the country have also been submerged, and the nation has entered a state of emergency. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/20/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. In today's news, BadLandsChugs reportedly has been making good progress on chugging the ocean, with the waters around Boomerland receding nearly 10 inches. This is a good start, but with more inclement weather on the way it may not be entirely worthwhile. We've interviewed BadLandsChugs, an interview you can read Here. In other news, Jared Harmon and Vice President Ransom were seen at a fancy beach in Georgia instead of back home in Boomerland. Some are saying that they are on vacation when they should be dealing with the flooding. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/21/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! The flooding around Boomerland has been very bad lately, as we all know, but now a new issue has risen. A man fracking in his backyard discovered something that was neither water nor oil. A brown goopy substance shot out of the ground at lightning speeds, killing several birds. The man tested the substance and found it to have different chemical properties than any other substance and a Ph level of -43, making it extremely acidic and capable of destroying anything. The Boomerland Hazard Investigation Center is currently trying to contain the strange gloop before it can continue its rampage. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/23/23

Welcome to another edition of Boomer News. The recent gloop release has been fully contained and disintegrated by the BHIC. All further gloop sightings will be dealt with as if they were a nuclear-level threat. Some theorists believe that the Boomerland Secret Service may be using it to build new superweapons. Anne C. Ient, the commander of the BSS, said that this was bogus and that her and her team could not use the gloop even if they tried due to its toxicity. In other news, BadLandsChugs has made little progress on chugging the ocean, but the sea level has noticeably dropped around Boomerland by a few centimeters. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/24/23

This week has really put the news in Boomer News. In today's news, recent statistics have come out about Jared Harmon. He's been found to have multiple charges of abandonment from his time in the Boomerland Navy. This adds onto his recent spotting at an island away from the nation during turbulent times including the gloop and the flooding. Boomerland citizens are bringing into question President Harmon's rule, as he seems to be spending more time out of country during these disasters than doing things to help it. Some radicals are calling for a full-on coup of the current leadership. An interview with Harmon can be found here as he and VP Ransom recently returned to Boomerland.

Boomer News 3/28/23

Welcome back to our month of consistent Boomer News, truly an event more rare than gems. In recent news, Harmon has been forgiven for his abandonment, as it was found that on his break he was still working on assembling a militia to beat the ocean. This militia is very heavy in terms of manpower, and citizens everywhere are rejoicing. The ocean stands no chance now. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 3/31/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! In today's news, the ocean has visibly receded several centimeters yet again. Some skeptics say that this is the natural recession of the ocean from the wet season being over, but we say that people should stop being idiots and realize that this military is unstoppable. The ocean stands no chance, and soon the land as well. Science may say otherwise, but since when were scientists right. They always theorize about stuff but they never actually do anything! That is all for this very unbiased edition of Boomer News.

Boomer News 4/11/23

Welcome to the first edition of April Boomer News. We may have had a month of consistency, but be prepared for that to end very quickly. In this month's news, the high water around Boomerland has nearly returned to its normal levels. Scientists have admitted defeat as they estimate that 60% of this recession was from the new high-ranking members of the Boomerland military. The Ocean is currently signing a peace negotiation, and the war on the water is officially over. That is all for Boomer News today!

Boomer News 4/13/23

After a turbulent year, it's nice to have a good old fashioned fun story to lighten the wrinkled hearts of our readers. Welcome to today's especially goofy edition of Boomer News. In today's news, a movie team from Hollywood has announced their plans to film a movie in Boomerland. We don't know much about this, but we will have more news in the coming days. All we know is that the title is "The Old Folks: Redemption" and that it will star big names like Nicholas Cage, Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, and Jared Harmon himself. We also have the leaked cover art for it. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 4/14/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. Although the biblical flood was pushed out of Boomerland with no arks needed, it still has left some results behind on Boomerland. Primarily, it has affected the eastern tip, turning much of it into swampland. Within this swamp, the first new city in eons has been founded on the now specialized-crop-fertile marsh. Many crops that could not be grown now can be, like Boomnanas. This city is dubbed Geriatropolis and was once one of many unincorporated villages, but now has been signed in as a city. It has a population of 9,477 and has elected vice-presidential candidate Gaden Nerdahl to be its mayor. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 4/17/23

It's April 17th and you know what that means. It's the 17th of April, and we're here to celebrate this momentous day. April 17th is the beginning of the every-four-year tradition of Harmon Week. Harmon Week is a week in which anyone can make fun of Harmon with no consequence. So basically, Harmon is old. We technically break this rule all the time but the media is above the law, as we all know. That is all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 4/23/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! Today, we have a very apocalyptic edition: The End Is Upon Us! Repent your sins, for in 30 Days, 6 hours, and 2 minutes precisely, scientists predict that the meteor Harmonus I will impact Boomerland, destroying it entirely. Harmon has signed a declaration of war against space, but unlike the ocean, space is very very big. We fear Harmon may lose this war and we will all die terribly unless we leave Boomerland. We will have updates in the coming days. In other news: A puppy does a backflip in Old York City and everyone claps. That is all for Boomer News today.

METEOR News 4/25/23

Scientists have recently re-affirmed the suspicion that Harmonus I will destroy the whole planet. We have an interview with leading scientist Joseph McCormack, an expert scholar in his field. This meteor will wipe out Boomerland and the whole world! We need to all repent immediately and worship this meteor so that maybe it'll go away! In other news: Boomer News was sued by scientists for misunderstanding physics, a lawsuit we WILL win. That is all for Boomer News today.

METEOR News 4/27/23

Welcome back to more meteoric editions of Boomer News. In today's article, we will go over the trajectory of the meteor and precisely where we believe it will impact. Right now, the meteor is traveling at a speed that is fast and will definitely hit somewhere. Of course, we don't have all the information, but it's safe to say that the information we have is very reliable and totally true. Buy into our New Religion praising the meteor. That is all for boomer news today.

METEOR News 5/1/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. If all hope hasn't already been lost, the meteor appears to be covered in an illness known as super zombie turbo aids. When the meteor strikes, these turbo aids will spread to all and none shall survive the meteor nor its long effects. Super Zombie Turbo Aids has a 100% kill rate and nobody will live. This harrowing news comes just after our confirmation from physicist Joe McCormack. That is all of this terrifying edition of Boomer News.

Boomer News 5/2/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. In stark contrast to the fear spreading from the meteor, the Boomerland government has announced their new flag referendum. The country plans to change the iconic Boomerland flag, as it's beginning to show its age. We were shocked to find out that despite all evidence, the Boomerland government does not recognize the meteor as something serious or even as something happening. How terrible for them! We're not fear-mongering for money, news sources are always reliable. Check out the flag referendum HERE, or don't and go back into hiding. The end is nigh! That's all for Boomer News today.

Boomer News 5/4/23

Welcome back to Boomer News. Due to recent legal litigations, Boomer News would like to issue a public apology. We have made a severe and continuous lapse in our judgement, and we don't expect to be forgiven. The meteor that was supposedly going to hit Boomerland was nothing more than a big hoax. We apologize sincerely for lying for money, of which we did make a lot. In other news, Boom Media has started up to zero fanfare because old people cannot cheer without hurting their backs. They tried to absorb Boomer News, but I threatened them with a knife. That is all for Boomer News today.

Fine Print: Screw the law, Those Super Zombie Turbo Aids are still real.

Boomer News 5/9/23

Welcome back to Boomer News! Today, we would like to reflect on this year. Seeing as this is our final broadcast year, we believe that a reflection is in order. A lot happened this year, and it will go down in history as the Number 1 trusted website for old people. Trust me. In the first part of the year, business was as usual. That was until The Fog rolled in. It stuck around for a month, controlling the whole country and this website. After a while, local legend Paul, who was immune to the fog due to his grilling power making him used to gasses, blew the fog out with a big fan. A few months later, the great vice-presidential election of Boomerland. Gavin Ransom won, and the country was better for it. He and Harmon later fought off the Ocean and false rumors about a Meteor were spread by recently-released Kent Weed, who was promptly fired when it was found he lied about it. Since then, the country has continued as normal. As the twilight year comes to a close, we celebrate all that has come before. A final page will be made soon, but there's still a few weeks left of Harmon the Harmonica. That is all for Boomer News today.