Nocturna: Things to Watch for...

Now I am assuming you've either seen the movie once or are not planning on seeing it at all. Bear in mind that there's some spoilers below -- and some light nudity. So don't say you weren't warned.... Really, I mean it! Of course, you can't really spoil this movie since there's not much of a plot.. Regardless, now that's you've been warned, watch for...

*A NYC-Disco-Vampire-Comedy that was released before "Love at First Bite." A month before it, in very limited release. So "Nocturna" is to "Love at First Bite" as "Near Dark" is to "The Lost Boys." History really does repeat itself.

*Awesome Gothic vampire opening teaser scene (shot at an overpass in Central Park). Unfortunately as the scene abruptly changes, so does much of the stylish tone that was established.

*Nocturna walking the halls of the Hotel Transylvania as Glora Gaynor belts out "Love is Just a Heartbeat Away (Nocturna's Theme)." The authentic-looking castle corridors look authentic for a reason: a Gothic church in New York doubled for the Transylvanian Hotel.

*Okay, listen for this: An extra verse during "Love is Just a Heartbeat Away (Nocturna's Theme)" which is missing from most released versions of the song (this cut was only issued as a DJ promo). Unlike the film, the song was a hit and has had big exposure because it's by disco diva Gloria 'I Will Survive' Gaynor who, incidentally, only reluctantly agreed to croon the tune, which she once called "stupid" and "dated."

*Brother Theodore as Brother Theodore, a guy who was familiar to TV audiences for his frequent late-night talk show appearances in the years prior. Nowadays he's mainly remembered as the really creepy guy from "The 'burbs." And yes, that character was also Brother Theodore. In reality, the dude spent part of his youth living with Albert Einstein. That'd fuck anyone up.

*Theodore's insane, meandering rants to himself. If you like his character, these moments are a highlight of the film. If you hate him, they're utterly torturous.

*John Carradine as Count Dracula. Again. Wearing the same wardrobe he first donned in 1944's "House of Frankenstein." This time, however, he looks like he's about to wither away to dust. Hope no one sits on him.

*Gratuitous Sunkist product placement. They even have a thank you credit. Seriously?

*Endless disco dancing sequences. See conceiver/producer/star Nai Bonet's "Hoodlums" for more. This chick certainly thought disco was where it was at.

*Jimmy and Nocturna's reactions to one another as their eyes meet across the room. If only the pair had that chemistry when they were in frame together, this might have been a good movie. Nah, probably not.

*The Moment of Truth, a disco band who perform at the Hotel Transylvania. We get ridiculously overlong glimpses of their act but never get to know any of them as people. Yup, this movie's got token black guys.

*Tony Hamilton's funky dance moves. Clearly he forgot he was portraying a straight character. And an American one.

*Jimmy and Nocturna's sex scene. A self-proclaimed hetero dude on imdb commented that Jimmy has the nicer ass. See? Those gay guys have their workout regimens for a reason!

*Nocturna bathing as Brother Theodore watches from the doorway. Again, shot in that same church, folks! Dunno if that makes her thorough rub down and abundant waterplay hotter or creepier. Masturbation on Theo's part is only implied, though I'm certain many viewers have whacked it during this scene. Then turned off the video.

*Nocturna's endless inner monologue as she bathes. Even when she thinks she sounds like she's reading off cue cards. So I'm sure many of the aforementioned wankers kept a finger on the mute button... which isn't too difficult with one hand. You know who you are.

*A caped Nocturna twirling... and twirling... and twirling.... Man, that chick can twirl! While it does make for a cool effect the first few times, a little goes a long way. And then it pushes on a little further.... until you wonder why you're still watching.... yet you can't take your eyes off of her. The bitch is hypnotic. Huh, since Bonet completely fell out of public view soon after making this film and still resides in Manhattan today, maybe she really is a vampire!

*Nocturna seeing her own reflection. Amongst vampires, vanity rules supreme.

*A blink-and-you-missed-it appearance by cult fave Irwin Keyes very early in his career. Shame that they didn't save him for the BSA meeting. He would've fit right into the NYC of that era.

*Disconcerting directions. Nocturna tells Jimmy she's going to stay with a friend, then she immediately instructs the cab driver to go to the Brooklyn Bridge. Now if I were Jimmy, I'd be thinking she was going to turn tricks. Or maybe that's just me. But, I mean, look at her!

*Yvonne DeCarlo as Jugulia Vein. That's Lily Munster to most of you folks. Sometimes she looks bored, others she seemed to have been thinking she was performing Shakespeare.

*Jugulia's lair. It actually was underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. They certainly didn't have the budget for a set that looks that cool.

*The BSA Meeting. That's Blood Suckers of America, for the uninitiated. There actually are some nice moments and clever dialogue in this sequence but, as always, Sy Richardson completely steals the show. One also has to see the X-rated "Cinderella" and "Adult Fairy Tales" to fully appreciate his schtick.

*Cheaply animated vampire bats! Groovy!!!!

*Nocturna's impromptu and illegally-staged stroll through Times Square, which ultimately created a mob... though that part was omitted from the film. Shame, that certainly could've made the movie more interesting. Wonder if any of that footage survived or is sitting in the local news vaults.

*The Tricky Hickey Massage Parlour. The name says it all!

*A horny nebbish and an uninhibited hooker. The guy who went to the Tricky Hickey to get a 'massage' certainly wasn't much of an actor, and the conversation that the hooker instigates feels entirely ad-libbed. And if I'm not mistaken it looks like the dude really had a boner at one point. Hard to tell on VHS.

*Topless vampire chicks. A staple of bad movies, put there especially for guys who never get any in real life. Like the horny nebbish... and most everyone who's looked at this page.

*The Starship Disco. According to the press materials the dancing extras previously appeared in "Saturday Night Fever." Possible, but more likely they were just trying to cash in on the then-recent success of that flick. The disco also appeared in the next year's beloved cult oddity "Times Square" with Tim Curry, so if one really wants to push a Rocky Horror connection....

*Four words: Nocturna smokes a doobie. I guess it's true what they say about stoned people only seeming funny to other stoned people. Interpret that however you wish.

*Nocturna's reaction when Theodore tries to kill Jimm. She hisses and bares her fangs. It's an absolutely perfect bad movie moment.

*The Count's magic spell upon the patrons of The Starship Disco. Dig the groovy visuals:

All they've done to depict his spell is was wash out the screen with solarized color changes. Talk about cheap... though I bet it'd look awesome in 1080 clarity...

*Jimmy's makeshift cross, which is the blinking "t" from the Starship Disco sign. Another perfect bad movie moment.

*Dracula and Jugulia sharing a coffin. Oh God, he's gonna get sat on! (And I curse my own mind for conjuring that visual.)

*Sunrise. Rarely does sunrise end a vampire flick. That's usually the climax. But then again, everything about this movie is wrong!

And because I know why some of you perverts arrived at this page, here's one of Nai Bonet's nude photos from her "Gallery Magazine" spread, which she appeared in to promote the film:

Yup, that dude was right. Antony Hamilton did have the better ass. The full magazine spread can be viewed by clicking here.

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