What Christmas Is Not
The actors stand in front of the choir facing the audience, and they step forward in groups to deliver their lines. The words in capitals, which are sung by the choir, are to the tune ‘On the Twelfth Day of Christmas’.
Choir: TWELVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, QUEUEING PATIENTLY
Adult 1: Hey what do you think you’re doing?
Pushy person: What? Are you talking to me?
Adult 2: You’ve just pushed in, and we’ve been queuing outside in the freezing cold since last night!
Pushy person: Yes but I reached the counter first, and besides I’ve got to get to work!
Adult 1: Tough, that’s not our fault, get to the back!
Pushy person: No I’m here now and my little girl wants a 'WALL-E Lap Top' and she’s going to have one!
Adult 1: Over our dead bodies she is!
Pushy person: Look I don’t want any trouble!
Adults 1 & 2: Then get to the back !!!
Choir: ELEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WHAT WILL BE GIVEN ME?
(Parent and child enter Santa’s grotto, Santa is seated).
Parent: Go on then pet, tell Santa what you want for Christmas… The bairn’s been writing his list out for you.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Right come on and tell me!
Child: Dear Santa,
I WANT:-
A Play Station….. A Nintendo 64…..A Stealth Batmobile... A mountain bike….. A remote-control helicopter….. A Sky Digital T.V……A mobile phone….. A Ben 10 Omnitrix watch….. A set of drums….. A Robotic Dinosaur….. A python.....And a king-size Toblerone
And I want you to take my sister away! ……..Oh and I want a new I- pod.
(Santa faints)
(the parent smiles at the audience, highly embarrassed).
Choir: TEN DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, A WINDOW FOR TO SEE
(All the choir turn around to see Fenwick’s window, oblivious of a small child trying to see it too. None of the grown ups will allow the small child through).
Child: I can’t see….. I can’t get in….. I can’t see….. I can’t get in….. I can’t see!
Choir: NINE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, PLANNING FURIOUSLY.
(Busy mother enters tearing her hair out).
Mother: I’ll never get all these jobs done in time……….
Buy the Christmas tree….. put the decorations up….. make the cake….. buy the turkey….. buy all the presents….. wrap them up….. write the cards out….. buy the stamps….. post them….. wash the tablecloths….. pick up Grandma on Christmas morning….. tidy the house….. party food….. drink…..buy a Christmas outfit….. fake snow for the windows….. Think! Think! What else is there to do! Aaaaaaaaaaahhh!
Choir: EIGHT DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, SOME CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR ME.
(Enter person holding some Christmas cards, she speaks as though she is really offended.)
The writing’s too small on this one, how am I supposed to read it?
And that picture is rubbish.
HMPH! Cheap skate!
That card is too small.
This one should’ve had money in…..
And I don’t know why SHE sent me a card, SHE’S got a nerve!
Oh and I don’t believe it, this one’s got a lipstick kiss on it! How revolting.
And I don’t particularly want to know that their daughter is now playing FIVE musical instruments - Grade 6!
And no glitter on this one!!
They’re certainly NOTHING --- like the ones I sent out this year!
Choir: SEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, SEE SANTA AND IT’S FREE
(Same parent and child as before)
Parent: What’s the matter? Did Santa Claus nip you? (Child wails)
Did you not want to sit on his knee? (Child wails)
Were you frightened then? (Child screams)
What on earth’s the matter?
Child: He only gave me a plastic badge!!!!!!! (cries again)
Parent: Wait till I get you home, showing me up like this, in front of everybody.
Choir: SIX DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WHAT’S ON T.V?
Parent: Ah Christmas, a season of peace and goodwill to all people. What’s on television this festive season?
Child: Ssssshhhhh!
Parent: Don’t you ssshhh me! What’s that your watching?
Child: Hellraiser.
Parent: I don’t think so, what’s on the other side?
Child: Scream 2.
Parent: What else is on?
Child: (tuts) On 3 there’s Nightmare before Christmas.
On 4 there’s Commando, on 5 there’s Evil Dead,
and on Sky: Grid Runners and Lethal Weapon.
Parent: Hey! What about this being a season of peace and goodwill?
Child: OK I’ll go and watch them in my room then!
Parent: You do… and you’ll not be able to sit down till next Christmas.
Choir: FIVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, I’VE HAD A SPENDING SPREE.
(Mother enters with shopping bags, adding up the total amount of cash she has just spent).
Clothes………………………….£265
Toys……………………………..£400
Toiletries………………………..£165
Cards, decorations, crackers etc..£70
Food……………………………£100
Vouchers……………………….£50
making a total of………..£1050………….eeh!!!!!!!!
And there’s nothing much to show for it really!
(Enter Father)
Father: Well how much did you spend?
Mother: Have you had a good day?
Father: Never mind changing the subject… How much?
Mother: I sort of spent…. One thousand and fifty pounds!
Father: What did you say? How much?
Mother: I’m sorry luv, I guess I overspent!
Father: And how are we going to pay the bills now? ….I’m going out! I’ll see you later!
Choir: FOUR DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, COLLECTORS BOTHER ME
(A mime follows here of how folk avoid someone collecting for a charity as they do their Christmas shopping in the city centre streets, with remarks like:-)
My taxi’s waiting!
I’ve got no change!
I’ve already given!
Sorry, I’ve only got pound coins!
I’ve come the wrong way!
I need to be over there! One shopper to another: And how do we know it’s going to get to where it’s supposed to go?
(Finally a small child sucking dummy comes up and puts a coin in the box).
Choir: THREE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WORKING ANXIOUSLY
Husband: Come on lass, come and sit down; put your feet up and watch Emmerdale.
Mam: Would that I could!!! I’ve got too many jobs to do, I wish I had time to sit around drinking lager like you do! Work, work, work that’s all I do!! And you lazybones, go and tidy your bedroom, I want the house spotless before Christmas.
Child: Ah mam,I can’t be bothered, I’m watching TV.
Mam: Get up those stairs this minute1 And if you don’t do as you’re told, you’ll get nothing this Christmas.
Husband: Now lass, chill!
Mam; CHILL ?*&%!?
Choir: TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, A HOLIDAY FOR ME
(Husband and wife are watching the television, facing the audience)
Wife: Well Christmas is over now pet.
Husband: What makes you say that dear, it’s not the 25th yet?
Wife: Well they’re showing all the holidays on T.V. now! Where should we go? Costa Blanca? Costa Del Sol? Costa Brava?
Husband: Costa Packet if you ask me!
Wife: ………….I’ve not heard of that place before!
Choir: ONE DAY TO CHRISTMAS, SO TIRED AND WEARY
(All look shattered and mindless)
Voice 1: Thank goodness Christmas falls just once a year!
Voice 2: I’m absolutely exhausted.
Choir: We’re absolutely exhausted!
Choir solo: SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT HERE,
SOMETHING BOTHERS ME,
HOW FAR WE’VE COME FROM CHRIST-TIAN-ITY.
IN-SAN-ITY.
Luke 2:6 And while they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them at the inn
Choir copies
Choir:
TWELVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, QUEUEING PATIENTLY
ELEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WHAT WILL BE GIVEN ME
TEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, A WINDOW FOR TO SEE
NINE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, PLANNING FURIOUSLY
EIGHT DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, SOME CHRISTMAS CARDS FOR ME
SEVEN DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, SEE SANTA AND IT’S FREE
SIX DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WHAT IS ON T.V.
FIVE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, I’VE HAD A SPENDING SPREE
FOUR DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, COLLECTORS BOTHER ME
THREE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, WORKING ANXIOUSLY
TWO DAYS TO CHRISTMAS, A HOLIDAY FOR ME
ONE DAY TO CHRISTMAS, SO TIRED AND WEARY
Soloist:
SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT HERE, SOMETHING BOTHERS ME
HOW FAR WE’VE COME FROM CHRIST-TIAN-ITY.
Choir: (IN-SAN-ITY)