I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh”. The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s only got little legs.
“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
There is no doubt that funny birthday wishes will put a smile on someone’s face on their birthday.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Two penguins walk into a bar… which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.
You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
Let funny nicknames will bring joy and help you show how much they mean to you.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Dry erase boards are remarkable.
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets…. then it hit me.
PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
Have I told you this deja vu joke before?
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…
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