Dark Jokes

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

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Just switch off the lights.

Of course God exist. How else could those foolish atheists explain that my girlfriend got pregnant without us ever sleeping together?

On a train:

“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”

“I’m so sorry… Harry! Stop acting stupid!”

I went fishing for the first time. I learnt that fish can breakdance. Only for 1-2 minutes, but still.

Dracula visits his doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m really worried. For a while now, there was no blood in my stool.”

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a problem.”

Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”

“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

I took away my ex-girlfriend’s wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back to me?

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

Kamikaze pilot instructor:

“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat myself to you again tomorrow!”

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday.

Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.

I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away…

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

Today I went to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled?

There was a face-off in the corner.

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?

You.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never look at me twice.

"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

My favorite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He's all right now!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.